Hello group

[Chilibean13]

Hi everyone,

I just found this board while searching online for resources for helping people with BPD. My husband was texting me at work and got offended once again about something small. I watched the 3 minute conflict resolution video and responded in kind to my husband and his response was "thank you." So, I figured this site has resources that could probably help me.

My husband and I have been married for 11 years. We have no children and although my husband is past 35, his anger and verbal abuse have been increasing over the last 2 years (I've read that usually it decreases with age.). About 2 years ago I chose to give up a good paying job in order to work PT so I could focus more on the home and some personal hobbies. I went through a personality crisis after quitting my job that left me without as much confidence as my prestegious job and it's around this time that my husband began to increase his aggression. FOr many years he has been on a 3 month cycle, and usually he would get grouchy or yell but never like it has been over the last 2 years.

In June, he began to cycle once a week. He kept getting closer and closer to me in his rages. Began to not just yell but scream, punch walls, and threatened to kill me. One night I truly was scared for my life, although he has never hit me. He had to be at our church so I called our pastor to let him know what had happened. THis was the first time I ever told anyone about the emotional abuse I'd been going through. The pastor and a couple of men at church held an intervention for him. (My husband has had several big blow up conflicts with others at church before). They required that my husband start counseling and that he gets off facebook (that was a big stressor for him).

He has been in counseling now for 4 months. He was doing amazingly great, dealing with old hurts and forgiveness, and then the 3 month marker hit. For the last month he has been back to weekly rages, although not as intense as before. He is calling me names again. We start marriage counseling tomorrow. I'm nervous about it becuase I worry that the things I talk about in there will be used against me later when he is feeling unconfident in himself or when his tension starts to build. Divorce really is not an option due to my religious beliefs so I must find ways to live life again.

So that's my story. About me though. I'm 37. I have a BS in PSychology (yeah, kind of ironic right?). I am back to working FT at a hospital reviewing cardiac patients charts for data analysis. As I said we have no children but we have a big dog and 3 cats. We even had a pet squirrel until we released him to the wild a couple months ago. I am actively involved in my church on a leadership team, administration team, and host team. I try to stick to paleo living, but at times that is hard to do with my active schedule. And more than anything, I want to live a peaceful, God filled life, regardless of what mood my husband is in.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[believer55]

Hi Chilibean - welcome to the site and yes you will find lots of helpful information. I also have an undergrad in Psych and believe me have drawn on every thing I know to help with my relationship with my fiance. Just remember you can not fix him and what I have learned is to learn to set boundaries and really take care of myself (which is hard for someone who naturally wants to "help". Keep reading and posting xx

[formflier]

 

Hi Chllibean13,

Have you ever done MC (marriage counseling) before?

Is it with a pastor or a "out in town" counselor.

Does your husband have a diagnosis?

On a separate thread I gave you a link to the lessons... .please start reading... .ask questions.

Can you describe one of the weekly rages.  What starts it... .what he says... .what you say.

Our goal here is to help you "see" a dynamic that you are stuck in... .and hopefully help you "see" that you have the power to change that dynamic.

No need to ask or convince your husband that it needs to be changed.

Tell me about your husbands counselor... .is he religious based or out in town guy.

I've been involved with both... .they both have their place in an overall treatment system.

I'm very glad you found us... .we can help make your r/s (relationship) better.  Much better!

FF

[Chilibean13]

Have you ever done MC (marriage counseling) before?

Is it with a pastor or a "out in town" counselor.

We have never done MC before. My husband started therapy about 4 months ago so he is now open to it. The counselor we are seeing his his therapist. He asked my husband if he would like to invite me to one of this appointments and he agreed. I went to this counselor 5 years ago after my dad died and I was going through deep grief. I'm nervous about going though because I'm scared that what I share in the sessions will be used against me later. He may not want to continue sessions with the both of us or maybe he will suggest that I find my own T.

The counselor is a Christian counselor which I'm very pleased about because I know that he will not try to get me to leave the relationship.

Does your husband have a diagnosis?

No. He is undiagnosed but he meets every single DSM diganostics.

Can you describe one of the weekly rages.  What starts it... .what he says... .what you say.

One example of an argument happend a couple weeks ago. Before church he asked me what time we would be leaving. I told him shortly after 2nd service started. 2nd service was about to start and he asked what I had left to do. I told him I just had to check on some paperwork and relay some info to another lady and then we could go. 5 minutes. He started to get mad and I reminded him about the timeline I gave him. Once we got in the car he started punching the the glove box and screaming at me about how I don't respect his time. My response at first was to tell him he was being ridiculous about getting mad over an extra 5 minutes. Then after 15 minutes or so of him raging I started to cry and apologized. This is how it usually goes.

Another example would be about a month ago we went to bonfire with some other couples. One of the guys there was very extroverted and held the attention of a lot of the group. When we got home he blew up becuase he thought I was flirting with this guy. He still throws out snide remarks about me wanting to sleep with him. I don't remember how I responded to this accusation. I think on this one I just clammed up.

I'm really glad I found this site. I've just been reading through posts and may try not to post responses very often until I get my head wrapped around all of this. I know I feel such a big sense of relief in finding this message board. Hearing others stories lets me know that I'm not crazy or making all this up in my head. I started reading the lessons last night and I thought they were the most in depth description of BPD behavior that I have ever seen. I can't wait to get started on them again today.

I want to see us be happy again. I keep hoping there is an "easy" button that can be pushed but it sounds like I have a lot to do in regards to seeing how I respond. Last night he was mad at me for considering someone else's feelings over his own. I started to get anxious thinking that he was about to ramp up into a late night, deprive me of sleep argument, but I had just read other members validation attempts  and used it and the anger just melted right off him. I was able to go to bed at my usual time and he quietly and contentedly played chess on his phone.

[formflier]

 

What credentials does the Christian counselor have?  Especially in regards to dealing with PDs (personality disorders)


Full disclosure:  I'm a conservative Christian, I am a fan of Christian counseling.  Even bigger fan of "Biblical Counseling".  I think for a Christian examining issues through the "lens" of God's word is critical.

However... .(there is always a but... .)

Many pastors/counselors are not equiped (trained) to deal with a PD.  Many are.

Don't be shy about asking this question.

Also... don't try to diagnose this yourself.  Describe the behaviors and let it go at that... .

OK... .please consider this advice... .don't take action.  One of the goals here at bpdfamily is that people take action to change an unhealthy dynamic in their r/s because they understand and believe in a new way of doing things that is healthier.

So... .what would have happened if.  Husband gets mad and punches dashboard.  You stop car, turn off ignition and take keys.  "I'll be back in 5 minutes and we'll see if we can talk properly about this issue."  (notice you didn't accuse him of anything).

Go for walk... .


When you come back in 5 minutes ask him if he would like to have a respectful conversation now or wait until you get home.

Being in a car with a raging person is dangerous.  You deserve to be safe!

Thoughts?

FF

[Chilibean13]

What credentials does the Christian counselor have?  Especially in regards to dealing with PDs (personality disorders)

Looking at his website he is an LPC, NCC. He has several specialities that include Marriage Counseling, Family Therapy, Eating Disorders, Identity Issues, Trauma Counseling, Stress/Anger Management, and a few others. Personality Disorders are not listed. I know that when my husband first started seeing him, he mentioned that I thought he had BPD. His counselor said "Maybe. But doesn't like to put a label on people" becuase that can prevent them from getting better. I know that this counselor does not do CBT but instead does psychotherapy. For the most part, starting out, him and my husband have been working on dealing first with the trauma of his childhood. Now that some of that has kind of been touched on, during his last appointment they started talking about triggers and self talk to make him feel safe.

So... .what would have happened if.  Husband gets mad and punches dashboard.  You stop car, turn off ignition and take keys.  "I'll be back in 5 minutes and we'll see if we can talk properly about this issue."  (notice you didn't accuse him of anything).

Go for walk... .


When you come back in 5 minutes ask him if he would like to have a respectful conversation now or wait until you get home.

Being in a car with a raging person is dangerous.  You deserve to be safe!

I've wamted do this several times but every time I'm about to do it I get crippled by fear of how he will respond. Would that be the breaking point that would cause him to actually get physical with me? Would he chase me down and cause a scene on the side of the road? Once I walked out onto the front porch and as I was walking out I heard him say something along the lines of "You're not going to leave." and he followed me out the door ready to prevent me from going.

[formflier]

 

FOG stand for "fear... obligation... .guilt"

Not a good idea to use those in your decision making.

Again... don't take action right now... .but think about a healthier way of doing things.  Once you are ready... .take action.

FF

[Chilibean13]

Thanks for the info. I'll get there. Just getting started.

[formflier]

Thanks for the info. I'll get there. Just getting started.

 

[Chilibean13]

MC went really good yesterday! The counselor said we made some pretty big steps in regards to how we communicate. J. (my husband) felt remorse for the first time for the way he screams and yells at me.  He said that often times when he keeps going and going he is actually yelling at himself. The things he says to me are things he feels inside about himself. But he can't stop. He wants to protect me and he realizes that if anyone else were treating me the way he does, he would be ready to hurt them, but then he sees himself doing it and he hates himself even more, so he continues to yell. I don't get it completely, but if he is thinking in terms of black and white.

For myself, I looked at my motivations in our arguments. I often respond with fear or withdrawl, and often with JADE. I shared that I often feel confused about his out of the blue anger and along with being scared I don't know how to appropriately respond. J.'s simple answer was ask me how I'm feeling instead of trying to calm me down. He said usually he is feeling hurt, sad, insecure, worried about being abandoned. WE talked a little bit about taking a time out and he began to cry because when I want to go into another room he is scared that I"m plotting out divorce or that I want to leave him. He said that if I can let him know that he would probably be open to a time out if he knew my intent was not to leave but to get my mind straightened out.

So my goals right now are to not JADE, to validate more, and to consider where I am and what I"m experiencing in an argument so that I can respond to my own needs instead of trying to fix his.

[formflier]

  He said that often times when he keeps going and going he is actually yelling at himself. The things he says to me are things he feels inside about himself. But he can't stop. 

Please believe him!  That he can't stop.

And... .is there anything you can do to stop it?

Is it your role or function to stop it?

I'm really glad you had a good session... .looks promising.

Please consider this.  When he yells... .tell him you will be back in 5 minutes... .and leave.  Come back with glass of water... .or a cookie... .something.  Don't discuss the yelling or the issue. 

If he starts up again... .evenly let him know YOU need a break and will be back in 10 minutes.  Keep repeating.

You will learn how long you should leave him after a couple of times.  The time frame is to help with abandonment fears.

You are not doing him or you any favors by sticking around.

I like the thunderstorm analogy.  If you are outside and a bad thunderstorm comes through... .do you stay out and get wet... .or go inside.  Sure, the storm might be scary for a few minutes.  Lots of energy and bluster... .but it blows through... .it will be over soon

Then... .when you poke your head outside... .and realize that the storm is over... .move on with life.  Don't dwell on the storm.

How does this sound?

FF

[Chilibean13]

Sounds great! I'll try that.