What is wrong with me?

[hollycat]

We have been separated since June 29th. He lives in South Carolina, I live in Florida.  He hates his property in SC. It is a rough place to live.  Broken down mobile homes, black mold, no potable water.  BpdH blames for me missing tools, no internet and broken water pipes.  I have offered solutions.

What is wrong with me? Why do I keep texting him? I didn't hear from him in a week, then I stupidly reach out.  Then we go through a couple days of him blaming and me JADE ing.

Why am I finding it so very hard to go NC? Why am I dodging the fact our marriage is O V E R?  I can't say the word. My logical mind KNOWS this relationship is unworkable.

My heart is afraid he may be the last man for me.  The good parts of him make him my ideal soulmate.

I am attractive. I am smart (usually), I have a great sense of humor when I am not crying at the computer. I can initiate a great rapport with almost anyone.

What is wrong with me? I can't afford therapy. I do need some wise words of advice.  I need strength to move forward.  

Thank you. The smartest people I know are on this board.

[Creativum]

What's wrong with you?  Well, remember that you're coping with an addiction, and this person feeds it.  It's not "good" for you in the sense that it makes you healthier and happier.  It's "good" for you in the sense that it gives you a high -- an honest-to-Bob chemical high, inside your brain.  That's why it's so hard to let go.  And we all know that chemical dependencies are not ever "good" ... .The feeling is good when you're using the substance, but when that substance stops being supplied, it's miserable.  

Imagine trying to quit smoking.  It's HARD.  You get crabby, twitchy, stressed, etc.  And you have massive cravings when you're under stress, and even sometimes when you're not.  You have times when you want a smoke, even after you've been smoke-free for a year or more.  Now, the kind of addiction you're experiencing is much more sinister, because it can literally break your heart.  It HURTS to give it up.  And just when you think you've begun to move on, boom!  Temptation.  The brain is like "OOohhhHhhhHhHHH THAT'S what's been missing!  Let's go for that again.  I liked that."  Stupid brain.  :)oesn't know what's ACTUALLY good for it.

The thing is, I was in a very abusive relationship with someone with BPD, and even after it was over and I was hospitalized, my brain's pleasure centers still responded positively to contact from him later on.  Fortunately, my intellect had managed to override those pleasure centers and I maintained NC.  It's like overdosing on heroin -- yeah, it almost killed you, but your brain still wants that sweet, sweet dose, despite the adverse side effects.  It's really not that much different here.

Disconnect.  Disconnect.  Disconnect.  It gets easier.   There are also groups such as Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous who can help you, and if you don't live near one, they will often have Skype sessions online.  It HELPS.  Believe me it helps.  You MUST disconnect and you should really consider joining groups of people who can support you via their own experiences with similar situations.

[cyclistIII]

Oh, man, I was going to try to say something smart and helpful but I think Creativum is already smarter and more helpful than me, so I will just second all of that... .I didn't even think of support groups, but yeah, that's a good free option that might be worth looking into... .

I will just add that's what's wrong with you is that you are human, and we are amazing but flawed creatures, capable of intense emotions, especially around love, which sometimes defy our rational thinking. It's a design flaw maybe? I don't know. Anyway, you are not alone -- I have felt all of these things. I do have faith that it will get better with time.

[JohnnyShoes]

Hollycat,

I'm in Florida. Southwest Florida.

Maybe we can become friends.

Don't beat yourself up - stuff happens.

You'll get past this

Johnny

[JohnnyShoes]

What's wrong with you?  Well, remember that you're coping with an addiction, and this person feeds it.  It's not "good" for you in the sense that it makes you healthier and happier.  It's "good" for you in the sense that it gives you a high -- an honest-to-Bob chemical high, inside your brain.  That's why it's so hard to let go.  And we all know that chemical dependencies are not ever "good" ... .The feeling is good when you're using the substance, but when that substance stops being supplied, it's miserable.  

Imagine trying to quit smoking.  It's HARD.  You get crabby, twitchy, stressed, etc.  And you have massive cravings when you're under stress, and even sometimes when you're not.  You have times when you want a smoke, even after you've been smoke-free for a year or more.  Now, the kind of addiction you're experiencing is much more sinister, because it can literally break your heart.  It HURTS to give it up.  And just when you think you've begun to move on, boom!  Temptation.  The brain is like "OOohhhHhhhHhHHH THAT'S what's been missing!  Let's go for that again.  I liked that."  Stupid brain.  :)oesn't know what's ACTUALLY good for it.

The thing is, I was in a very abusive relationship with someone with BPD, and even after it was over and I was hospitalized, my brain's pleasure centers still responded positively to contact from him later on.  Fortunately, my intellect had managed to override those pleasure centers and I maintained NC.  It's like overdosing on heroin -- yeah, it almost killed you, but your brain still wants that sweet, sweet dose, despite the adverse side effects.  It's really not that much different here.

Disconnect.  Disconnect.  Disconnect.  It gets easier.   There are also groups such as Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous who can help you, and if you don't live near one, they will often have Skype sessions online.  It HELPS.  Believe me it helps.  You MUST disconnect and you should really consider joining groups of people who can support you via their own experiences with similar situations.

Great post Creativum

Hits home

[MSNYC]

"My heart is afraid he may be the last man for me.  The good parts of him make him my ideal soulmate."

I hear you! (I just posted my story in an earlier thread). I definitely respond to recent contact from him on some level with pleasure and relief (though I have remained stern with NC). There are so many things at play here:

1) Wanting to believe that this "illness" can be cured like any other one, that they can see reason and get past this

2) Dealing with any breakup is hard. One thing I've realized is that breaking up with pwBPD compounds that, because we never get to do the things we do in "normal" breakups (we're too busy being completely shell shocked, scared, or gas-lit)

3) If your ex is anything like mine, there's a deep charm and connection. This is part of what pwBPD can do because they can be really good at reading others and connecting with them, in order to fill that neurotic void deep inside.

Stay strong. Let's get through this together.

[ForeverDad]

It does require a change to our mindset.  Think of the old saying, "once burned, twice shy."

This has been said many times so I don't know if there is an original quote to cite, but I remember from the original Star Trek series the starship Enterprise's engineer Scotty finally exclaimed to those on the Bridge, speaking of the Klingons trying to keep luring the Enterprise away from Captain Kirk and the landing party with a second false distress signal, "Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me!"

I'm single, so there's hope for you, depends how desperate you are.

[hollycat]

Thank you to everybody! I am feeling a little better now. Sadness is always there, but clearly I want someone who does not exist.  I have to figure out how to put ME (Holly) first.

Thanks for letting me cry on ya'll's shoulder!