things are financially getting worse, and i still stay

[Vindi]

Hello, haven't posted in a while... .my fault, too caught up in life.

My bf of 10 years, yes 10... he is 51 years old and basically has "not pot

to piss in"... .pretty sad. He bought a car a few months ago, could not

afford the payments so decides to "repo" it willingly this past month,

now, he also started a new job, and is not making nearly as much money

as his old job... .and his excuse is "well i can't just pull money out of my

ass"... .this is tiring, we split the bills, yet he hasn't been able to pay

for his "fair share" for about 2 months and bills are getting backed up.

He decides to ask his dad for a "loan"... .and his dad says "a 51 year old

man should not be without a car, and should be able to help himself" and

denied giving him money.

Now, my bf decides to ask me for money... .yes, I have the money to

loan, but will i get it back? probably not most of it... .my bf's credit

is bad, and now will be worse since he willingly let his car be repo'd... .

I know the car company will be sending him a "balance due" for whatever

the car gets auctioned for and for what he owed.

I know i am soo Codependent, codependent person of the day... .

His biggest saying is "well when 2 people love eachother they help

eachother out"... .well i am tired of helping out, I am tired of always

picking him back up on his feet. And now he wants to borrow money from

me to buy a car.

I feel so messed up and "pulled" into his web by his "two people love

eachother" deal.

Any info is great!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Daniell85]

Hi Vindi,

I was married once. I was still in college when I met my ex husband. He was easily able to convince me to help him financially. Debt collector, tax collectors... .came crawling out of the woodwork. I felt obligated and horribly guilty for not wanting to. I did it, though. As a result I tried numerous times to disentangle myself from him. It took 10 years. I walked away cored out. I was financially ruined, my credit was destroyed, my business was deliberately taken apart by the ex, and a smear campaign ruined my reputation.

What I have come to realize, years later, is this is about boundaries. So what you are struggling with is your boundaries and core values being challenged. You sound like you have had a lot of empathy, and that is being manipulated.

He is guilting you. What is going on inside of you at that point? Are you afraid or you feel like you are being terrible? Or what is it you are fearful will happen if you enforce this boundary about money with him?

[Vindi]

thanks Daniell... .my question is... is why does he think like this? well yes,

being UBP bf... .why would anyone buy a car they know they cannot afford, then stop making payments... .then have it repo'd... .and now have no car... .Luckily his buddy from work is picking him up/driving him home each day... .I work opposite shifts from my bf so I cannot be his escort for this.

What i fear is... .that i am abandoning him at this time when he needs help, I guess i feel sorry for him... .his dad easily said "no i will not loan you the money"... .then my bf throws it back in my face that "well, when 2 people love eachother, etc"... .i am tired of hearing that saying, and yes he has said it b4... .he even said to me "well, i know you have the credit/money for me to loan him to buy the car, and I should offer to do this"... .well, again i do not understand "his thinking"... .i know deep in my heart I should not help him out, yes, he will give me the guilt trip and I honestly just feel sorry for this guy, even though he got himself into this big mess.

And yes, i need to work on my boundaries, setting firmer ones, being stronger... .sometimes i get mad at myself for feeling like a weak person, a weak girl when i should stand tall and proud. Yes, i suffer low self esteem!

I just don't know anymore, i cannot understand how he can just let everything go in his life, I mean a car, everyone needs a car! and he has no money to buy one, and he cannot expect his buddy from work to pick him up and drop him off everyday... then the whole other subject of this lower paying job that he has, how is he going to pay all the bills?

I just wanted to post here to get things off my back, and vent... .thanks for any feedback & listening.