Disproportionate emotions?

[Flintridge]

I find my sister's reaction is often not proportionate to the situation. My grandmother passed a few weeks back and as I'm not really on speaking terms with my mom lately, I wan't at my grandparents place when they were giving away some of their furniture. Of course, no one called me and my sister took everything for herself. Some really special pieces that I would have at least like one of. I sent her a very neutral email just saying that since she received one piece of furniture that was very special, could I take the other. There was no attacking or anything mean or that could even be perceived that way in my email. I heard back from her today and email started with "the tone of your email is pushy and passive aggressive and it really bothers me". I honestly was left scratching my head. Why does she do this? Is it the defensiveness, she somehow feels I'm attacking her? How do I deal with this behaviour, this is a common issue that comes up with my sister and I'm just really tiring of it. I can't have a rational, adult conversation with her.

[Kwamina]

Hi Flintridge

Yeah I can see why you might be getting tired of this behavior from your sister.

I think there are various factors that could (at least partly) explain why she behaves the way she does. People with BPD are often very sensitive and as a result can perceive seemingly innocuous comments and acts as major slights. To people with BPD, feelings often equate to facts:

Telling a person she shouldn't feel the way she does feel is akin to telling water it shouldn't be wet, grass it shouldn't be green, or rocks they shouldn't be hard. Each person's feelings are real. Whether we like or understand someone's feelings, they are still real. Rejecting feelings is rejecting reality; it is to fight nature... .Considering that trying to fight feelings, rather than accept them, is trying to fight all of nature, you can see why it is so frustrating, draining and futile.

Another thing that could be going on is that she is projecting her own negative feelings onto you. Perhaps she feels like she is pushy and passive aggressive herself and can't handle the resulting emotions so then projects them onto you to make herself feel better. She might not even be (fully) aware that this is the underlying dynamic of her behavior.

Do you feel like any of this might be going on with your sister?

[Flintridge]

Hi Flintridge

Yeah I can see why you might be getting tired of this behavior from your sister.

I think there are various factors that could (at least partly) explain why she behaves the way she does. People with BPD are often very sensitive and as a result can perceive seemingly innocuous comments and acts as major slights. To people with BPD, feelings often equate to facts:

Telling a person she shouldn't feel the way she does feel is akin to telling water it shouldn't be wet, grass it shouldn't be green, or rocks they shouldn't be hard. Each person's feelings are real. Whether we like or understand someone's feelings, they are still real. Rejecting feelings is rejecting reality; it is to fight nature... .Considering that trying to fight feelings, rather than accept them, is trying to fight all of nature, you can see why it is so frustrating, draining and futile.

Another thing that could be going on is that she is projecting her own negative feelings onto you. Perhaps she feels like she is pushy and passive aggressive herself and can't handle the resulting emotions so then projects them onto you to make herself feel better. She might not even be (fully) aware that this is the underlying dynamic of her behavior.

Do you feel like any of this might be going on with your sister?

Hi Kwamina Thanks for your help. My sister has always been very insecure and sensitive. It's like anything you say to her goes through her own filter and she decides what it is that you meant, even if you didn't at all mean it the way she took it. I guess I don't know how to communicate with her when I feel upset about an issue or feel that something wasn't quite fair. I wonder, is it worth saying anything? Sometimes it feel like it's not because the conversation doesn't go anywhere, she's just super defensive and twists everything I say.

[Kwamina]

Hi again Flintridge,

I guess I don't know how to communicate with her when I feel upset about an issue or feel that something wasn't quite fair. I wonder, is it worth saying anything? Sometimes it feel like it's not because the conversation doesn't go anywhere, she's just super defensive and twists everything I say.

Sometimes it indeed might be best not to partake in anything that might lead to circular arguments. We have tools here that can help you structure your communications if you do want to say something, such as validation, S.E.T. and D.E.A.R.M.A.N. However it isn't always necessary or advisable to respond, we have a workshop about circular arguments that you might find interesting. In the workshop it is said not to J.A.D.E., with this acronym standing for Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain. The basic principle is that whenever you feel the urge to J.A.D.E., just don't. You can find the workshop here:

COMMUNICATION: How to stop circular arguments