I don't know how love him

[ILoveMyBPDMan]

I am not even sure where to start.  Against my better judgment, I have fallen in love with a man with BPD.  My dilemma is that I know he loves me very much as well.  Unfortunately, he is adamant that hhe doesn't want a romantic relationship with me.   I am his best friend though he is not mine.  There is mutual attraction and in fact, we did have sex.  But, he immediately freaked out because he was afraid of losing me.  I assume it is because he expects romantic relationships to end badly (as they always have).  He pushes me away and refuses to talk about it other than to say he doesn't want to hurt me.  The thing is - I am hurt on a weekly basis it seems.  I am the only person he fully trusts and it has taken over 18 months for him to feel that way.  I, on the other hand don't. truly trust him though I find myself opening up to him more and more.  I find that I love him for all his flaws.  I know he has a good heart and wants to be a good person.  He has just never learned how.  He has caused alot of hurt to unsuspecting women.  I, however know who and what I am dealing with.   This makes me question my own sanity especially since he is the one trying to protect my heart.

This post could end up being incredibly long so I will just throw out some relevant pieces of information, then I'll try to formulate my question in the hope that someone in this group can advise me.

First of all, this is probably the kindest person I know but because of his inability to empathize, he cannot comprehend all the consequences of his actions so he hurts people routinely then suffers immensely knowing that he has caused pain. 

Following are a list of complications:   1) When he is triggered, he obsesses over his ex - the one that got away - the most perfect woman in the world and he messed it up by cheating (5 times but who's counting - I believe the ex may be borderline as well).  They've been breaking up since they got together 5 years ago.  When he's rational, he accepts things are over and admits it is obsession and an inability to let go (of anyone or anything).  2)  Another biggie - I am married for 30 years (25 of which were very good but we both realize it's over and want to end it as good friends).  My "friend" with BPD is not the cause though I must admit, having him gave me the courage to consider divorce because. 3) I have M.S. and he sees beyond that - at least he says he does but I tend to think that's a big reason why he doesn't want a romantic relationship (even if he sees past the M.S., he would worry what others might think).  4)  We had moved past his (guilt, shame, fear of losing me) after the hookup and there was growing flirtation and affection then all of a sudden, he has gotten cold and standoffish and insistent that he doesn't "want" me because that would mean romantically.   5) He has no qualms about telling me he needs me or that he loves and respects me; that I am the most important person in his life; that he doesn't know what he would do without me; that I have know idea how much he cares for me; that he would do ANYTHING for me;that his life would be crap without me and that I am the reason he isn't dead or no longer sober.  In recent months, he has wanted to always be honest with me which previously, he tried to lie (when there was no good reason) because that is what he has always done.  6)  He has no sense of self worth.  He only feels competent about his work and his powers of seduction.  7)  He has never seduced me (the hookup was what seemed at the time a natural evolution).  As indicated, I love him for him.  The only thing I would change about him would be to take away all his pain.  In fact, he is seeking help in the form of DBT.  I have no illusions about fixing him.  8)  We speak/text every day, several times a day - he initiates about 90% of the time.  9)  He travels frequently for his job and has recently moved 2 hours away.   He wants to leave his old life behind and so far, I am the only part of it (other than the obsession with his ex) that he wants to hold onto.  I visited once to go to therapy with him and then we had a comfortable, nice visit (during which other than a hello hug and a very lengthy goodbye hug, there was no affection shown to me.

I guess I need someone to help me understand what is going on.  He has a very difficult time expressing what he is feeling.  And I can't understand why he refuses to explore a relationship beyond friends.  Does he think that is the only way to keep me in his life?  Is it just a way to "have his cake and eat it too"?  I dont want to lose him either but loving him is too painful.   And as far as friendship, it's pretty one-sided because he is very needy.  I do have friends and outside interests.  It's not as if I have put my life on hold for him.  But I am in limbo just the same.  I am not giving up on him and we have both educated ourselves about BPD.  Its just really hard being his friend when I cant help wanting more and he insists he does not.

Any advice and insights as to what he may be feeling would be truly appreciated.  I am so confused.

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[an0ught]

Hi ILoveMyBPDMan,

it is a bit a confusing situation you are in. You got a relationship but it seems not be the one you seek. Whether at one time something can turn your relationship into a romantic one is probably not alone a factor of BPD. Sex tends to be a complicated topic.

he obsesses over his ex - the one that got away - the most perfect woman in the world and he messed it up by cheating (5 times but who's counting - I believe the ex may be borderline as well)

Sounds like he is still attached to her. The intense relationships tend to cause strong bonds - not always positive bonds but strong nonetheless. Detaching takes time - you wrote it was maybe a 5 year process in your marriage.

The only thing I would change about him would be to take away all his pain. 

And sink infinite resources into the bottomless pit. You can't help him. He got to do that. You can only point out that he is in pain and ensure seeing this is not hurting you too much. See workshops on validation and boundaries.

I do have friends and outside interests.

Protect them.

I guess I need someone to help me understand what is going on.

He is confused. Trying to see logic in what he does is not getting you anywhere it is just confusing you more. Take a step back and focus communication on emotional basics as

He has a very difficult time expressing what he is feeling.

that is keeping him from thinking clearly.

He has no qualms about telling me he needs me or that he loves and respects me; that I am the most important person in his life; that he doesn't know what he would do without me; that I have know idea how much he cares for me; that he would do ANYTHING for me;that his life would be crap without me and that I am the reason he isn't dead or no longer sober.  In recent months, he has wanted to always be honest with me which previously, he tried to lie (when there was no good reason) because that is what he has always done.

This is what he is saying. But then

He travels frequently for his job and has recently moved 2 hours away. 

this is what he has been doing.

I am not giving up on him and we have both educated ourselves about BPD.

It would be important that he commits to therapy. DBT is targeted education and training.

Focus on emotions and behavior when you try to understand him and discount words. Work on validation skills and protect what you got. The stability of the relationship depends a lot on boundaries and maybe it is easier to go slowly and get those in place before the relationship steers into a big crisis.

,

a0

[ILoveMyBPDMan]

Thank you all for your responses.  I am still confuse and probably will be for sometime.  He is definitely still attached to the ex.  There has been more pain than joy for him in the relationship with the ex.  They were clearly (to everyone but him) totally mismatched.  His "love" for is more of an obsession, an addiction a case of wanting what he cant have and idealization.  But at age 57 (and with a 13 yeeear old son), he sees her as the loss of his last chance at having a normal happy family (without having to work for it) - she is a widow with sons 9 and 11 and a large home in affluent neighborhood. She is pretty enough but her bad qualities far outweigh the good.  Ofcourse when he is pining for her, he "forgets" them.  I feel it may take an exorcist.

Her aside, I guess I need someone to help me understand his feelings for me.  It is hard on my ego thinking I am not "romantic" material on the one hand but on the other, he has also indicated that he is afraid to be alone with me because he couldnt control himself.  And the one time this was true, he immediately freaked out and becausehe was afraid of losing me.  We worked thru that and on 2 other occasions, I stopped him and he was compliant.  A third time, he stopped himself after a "gift" to me.  Since that he has been standoffish if not a little cold.  He doesn't know how to demonstrate affection without it ending in sex.  I do though and this difficult for me.  I would be willing to let our relationship evolve naturally but he has no concept of such a thong.  Its either friends or lovers in his mind.  He can't conceive of the idea that both is awesome.  He clearly has never been friends with his romantic partners.  Maybe I know and understand him too well.    I would like to think I could make him happy but it seems he is scared to find out.  I believe he loves me more than I can comprehend but it isnt in the way I want and need.  I guess I just need a reality check.  Am I being naive in believing that he really does value me and that is why he refuses to consider me as a romantic partner and that he really ddoesnt want to hurt and possibly lose me.  Or am I just a codependent sucker that puts in all the work of a real relationship but doesnt receive the benefits (saffection, seduction, sex).  Help!  I dont know what to think.