Brother now knows truth re moms illness and hes been so supportive :)

[lucylou]

Hi All  Just wanted to share that my brother now knows Mom has NPD/BPD  and is just getting his head around the fact his wife may well be BPD too. It feels good to finally have someone validate my experience and be able to give moral support after so much time of having to be the only one who sees the truth. He also sees the BPD side of my Dad.  we started communicating regularly via facebook last year. He lives on the other side of the world you see. Anyway we were never allowed to be close as children so there has always been some kind of triangulation going on either between mom, my bro or I or Dad bro and I. Over the past year  he was having some personal difficulties and we got to talking about our childhood. . After i stopped talking to mom 2 years ago he kept in touch with her via skype. Last christmas mom turned into mother and started giving him the silent treatment. He would email her and she would respond with short curt sentences or not at all.  I dont know if she was taking it out on him because we were not talking or what was motivating her to start being nasty. It wasnt as if he had done anything wrong she just decided to distance herself from him. She sent an email with "have  a good christmas love mom" quite clearly to get a reaction Normally this message would seem ok but when its our mother you know it means "i need attention". My brother at the time was quite distressed about it all as he was having a hard time from his wife too. This is when i shared a blog with him about NPD. Slowly over the last year he has begun to see the truth.

Sadly it turns out his wife is very likely a BPD too as she is constantly picking on him all the time and nothing he does is ever good enough. She wrote a sneering  comment on his facebook page mocking his english grammer and spelling a few months back. When they got married 18 years ago she made sure she moved my brother 3 hours away from us and yet when they came back to visit she never allowed my  brother to see our side of the family. I know he regrets this deeply now especially as our children didnt get time to become good cousins.  He is in a bit of a mess as she wont go to therapy. Anyway i told my brother that i have  just last week been diagnosed with PTSD. He was so supportive and sorry for my struggle. Then coincidentaly Mom called him up and of course I was brought into the conversation by her. My brother told me that she has absolutely no empathy for me whatsoever. And that she was sick of me blaming everyone for my childhood. I had food, i had heat and clothes and so what more can i want. She said that i rang her brother and had a go at him which is not true. What happened was 7 years ago, (yes i did say 7)  I  did call up her brother and spoke to his wife to tell them that my mother had helped herself to all his inheritance which was substantial as my grandmom had sold her house. I didnt have a go at him as my mom interpreted it, I had  a very pleasant chat.  I regret it now in some ways but at the time i was very angry at her  behaviour but i thought also he had a right to know  what was going on. Mother clearly is still smarting from that incident. I am actually beginning to think my mother is  a sociopath to be honest and i would love to hear from any of you with a mom like this.

Going back to mother, she said She didnt understand why my brother and herself didnt speak on skype anymore and that she felt he only got in touch when his childrens birthdays were due so he could get the birthday money. She forgets conveniently that it  was she who stopped contact with my brother. Anyway My brother had a right go at her and told her everything was not all about her,and that I was not blaming everyone for my problems and that its not just about getting fed, its about deeper emotions . Basically he protected me like a big brother which was lovely.  I just cannot understand why she suddenly got in touch with him like this? I wonder what the motivation was? narcissistic supply? or maybe she is feeling the loneliness of not seeing her children/grandchildren.

Anyway just hearing from my brother that she had no empathy or regret and is not the least bit ready to apologise only makes me more certain that i have done the right thing by going NC. It is 2 years this month. Maybe that is why she got in touch. I still end up feeling so sorry for my parents as difficult as they are because I know really they are going to destroy themselves and their chances of having wonderful relationships with their children/grand children.  Anyway just wanted to share. Lastly Therapy for EMDR is imminent but i have to learn to self regulate first which I am not very good at! Best wishes xx

[Kwamina]

Hi lucylou

Thanks for this update! Great news that you have started to re-connect with your brother. I can imagine how validating this must be for you now having your own brother validating your experiences and actually standing up for you

It is sad how a BPD parent can negatively impact the relationship between her/his own children. Sounds like your brother is dealing with a lot, also with his BPD wife.

I had food, i had heat and clothes and so what more can i want.

Sounds like you had everything a child needs right? The sad thing is that given the fact she's BPD/NPD, in her mind she might actually truly believe she was a good mom and took good care of you. This might actually have been the best she was capable of doing which is a very hard thing to accept since we all want a loving parent. Not just food, heat and clothes but also love, and also a love that is expressed in a way that we feel and know that we are loved.

She said that i rang her brother and had a go at him which is not true. What happened was 7 years ago, (yes i did say 7)

Well 7 years ago basically is just like yesterday isn't it?  My own mother often mid-sentence starts ranting about things that happened 60 years ago in a way that makes it seems as if they just happened yesterday. Her feelings in the moment are so intense that for her it probably actually feels as if it really did happen yesterday.

Lastly Therapy for EMDR is imminent but i have to learn to self regulate first which I am not very good at! Best wishes xx

Exciting times for you. I hope EMDR goes well. Best wishes to you too