Second Wave of Feelings around divorce

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hi All

I have not posted my going's on for awhile and had been genuinely feeling better.  Thought I was heading down path of being healed (self telling falsehood).  Still in process of divorce with uBPD wife and had been working out particulars of agreement with her. 

All during negotiation she continued to tell me I was untrustworthy, not dependable, only her words were reliable etc.  And there was I, still practicing my self-defeating care taking behavior patterns dropping my pants the whole way through by giving in more and more to her unreasonable requests thinking that she would change her mind about divorce.  (This is a pattern throughout the whole marriage that never worked and yet I still continue to do it- argggh!)

Divorce date is now imminent; less than 2 months.  She has not turned around and told me she is making a big mistake and still loves me.  She is not apologizing for her inability to see her behaviors and blaming me for everything.  She is not saying that she just wanted to make a point and will now come back home.  She really means that she wants a divorce and plans to follow through. 

Now I am feeling the hurt and anger and not wanting to agree to what I agreed to b/c I was hoping that she would not really follow through.  I was fantasizing that acquiescing to her demands would aide that outcome.  Of course all I have done is give her the justification she needs to tell me that my words are unreliable etc. 

I can't believe she is really going to do it.  I am just struck by waves of sadness alternating with waves of anger alternating with total disbelief.

Seriously pondering setting up a weekend consult with her to finally tell her the rest of the truth and that I wont agree to less than half.  My intellect says don't do it but my body and intuition say if I don't tell her now I never will feel good about walking away.  Further, accepting substantially less than 1/2 (which I stupidly have allowed to be whittled into) makes me feels like absolute cr@p!

My long overdue anger has finally arrived.  I think I need to use it, it has a purpose and I always suppress it.

Ant words for me before I open Pandora's box?

[joeramabeme]

Hi All

I have not posted my going's on for awhile and had been genuinely feeling better.  Thought I was heading down path of being healed (self telling falsehood).  Still in process of divorce with uBPD wife and had been working out particulars of agreement with her. 

All during negotiation she continued to tell me I was untrustworthy, not dependable, only her words were reliable etc.  And there was I, still practicing my self-defeating care taking behavior patterns dropping my pants the whole way through by giving in more and more to her unreasonable requests thinking that she would change her mind about divorce.  (This is a pattern throughout the whole marriage that never worked and yet I still continue to do it- argggh!)

Divorce date is now imminent; less than 2 months.  She has not turned around and told me she is making a big mistake and still loves me.  She is not apologizing for her inability to see her behaviors and blaming me for everything.  She is not saying that she just wanted to make a point and will now come back home.  She really means that she wants a divorce and plans to follow through. 

Now I am feeling the hurt and anger and not wanting to agree to what I agreed to b/c I was hoping that she would not really follow through.  I was fantasizing that acquiescing to her demands would aide that outcome.  Of course all I have done is give her the justification she needs to tell me that my words are unreliable etc. 

I can't believe she is really going to do it.  I am just struck by waves of sadness alternating with waves of anger alternating with total disbelief.

Seriously pondering setting up a weekend consult with her to finally tell her the rest of the truth and that I wont agree to less than half.  My intellect says don't do it but my body and intuition say if I don't tell her now I never will feel good about walking away.  Further, accepting substantially less than 1/2 (which I stupidly have allowed to be whittled into) makes me feels like absolute cr@p!

My long overdue anger has finally arrived.  I think I need to use it, it has a purpose and I always suppress it.

Ant words for me before I open Pandora's box?

[Sunfl0wer]

Hi Joeramabeme,

It sounds like you two played out some of the old roles you assumed while in the r/s.  Sounds like you were clouded by a great deal of FOG in your communications with her. It happens to the best of us.  After learning the tools and such, it takes time... .So don't beat yourself up about it.  I see people on here for many years working on boundary tools... .stopping JADE, clearing FOG, etc... .It reassures me that we are all here for sharpening these tools... .it is an ongoing process... .and catching yourself the way you did, is part of it.

I wonder, if you have not already, if you would benefit to also post on the legal board?

I do not know the type of "agreement" you two have, (if it is verbal vs legally binding) but if you feel it was emotionally driven out of obligation, guilt for whatever reason, then maybe you still have an opportunity to make an agreement that is more in line with your values?

Even if it is not legally binding, sometimes it is better to cut your losses vs lawyers and such, again, also a good thing on legal maybe.

My processing of leaving happened in waves of different grief, vs one big loss.

I grieved the announcement of leaving.

I grieved watching him leave.

I grieved being alone.

Then grieved having to move on solo.

I appreciate sharing my grief here as it arrives to me as just sharing it feels healing.  Keep sharing!

My long overdue anger has finally arrived.  I think I need to use it, it has a purpose and I always suppress it.

Ant words for me before I open Pandora's box?

You sound like you are struggling here.  What do you mean here?  What do you think you need?

[valet]

Hey Joe, I'm not going to pretend that I know what going through a divorce is like. I don't.

If your pwBPD is serious about the divorce you have no choice but to let it be what it is. I understand roughly how hard of a realization that might be and I'm really sorry for what you're going through. I get your anger. It makes sense.

I think that you should stand up for what you realistically want here. The marriage sounds out of your hands, but everything else, those are things that you have a right to negotiate in a legal setting. If the agreement is not satisfying to you, then it might be wise for you in the long run to try and change it.

What do you think that the best tangible course of action here is for you?

[enlighten me]

Hi Joe

When I got divorced I backed down on a lot of things as well. Maybe some part of me thought she would come back and another part didn't want to hurt her. Every time I backed down she ended up taking more.

I would personally not bother telling her how you feel about her behaviour. It may only get her mad and make her cause trouble.

If you want to reconsider what you offer her then do so. I know that its only money but at the end of the day if the divorce goes through then you need to be in a position that you can rebuild your life and money helps to be able to do that. Also it stuck in my throat how my ex got so much from me and I had to start from scratch.

If you reset the financial split it wont matter if she wants to come back and you want her back as it will become inconsequential. Its something that never happened. If she does decide to go through with it then you will have given her what is fair for both of you.

Don't let guilt and your goodness make decisions for you.

[joeramabeme]

Thank you all: Sunflower, Valet and Enlighten

I have been thinking more and I feel a pit in my stomach and soul knowing that this is the end. As such, I have decided to continue discussions. My intent in talking with her was to save us both from courtrooms and lawyers. She said she feels the same but then used this as a way to whittle me down more, which I personally and irresponsibly allowed.  So hard for me to act against my feelings towards her and hard to know that although she may have had similar feelings towards me at one time, they are no longer a part of her psyche. 

So I am left with one of two approaches.  One, go back to her and tell her what I want and listen to another round of how bad a person I am or two, go to my lawyer and just tell him to tell her lawyer what I want. 

This is same decision point as what lead me to here and I fear that my emotions will lead me down path #1 even as my head tells me to follow #2. 

How do you get past putting your heart in front of your head?  What a lifelong internal struggle this question has always held for me. 

[Sunfl0wer]

I think for a lot of us, the "ending" of the relationship brings forth new agonizing stuff to deal with in emotions and reprocessing the relationship dynamics.  Sometimes we use this to create a "new" dynamic, sometimes we replay the "usual" dynamics.

Part of my own agony was the realization of defining ME, while at the same time separating from this person.

_{Even months later... .I believe this ME vs who "I was as a couple" or "who I thought I was." is still causing me to have moments of grief as I am continuing to define myself and process this difference.}

For me, looking back, what ended up more important was not whether or not I played out any specific role... .even if I played the "old" role.  Where I benefited most was simply: observing it all

What I mean, is staying aware of what was happening and responding ^{as much as possible} vs reacting.  Even if I responded as my "old role" unintentionally... .I feel growth was still occurring as long as I was aware of the whole interactions with my logical mind still being present.

So, you have shared much about your ambivalence regarding option #1.

Can you share more about what your ambivalence is for option #2?

[AwakenedOne]

Hi Joe,

Sorry for what you are going through. My xBPDw and I also divorced.

I had a lawyer and during the divorce we didn't have to speak to each other at all, which was great for me. I had the papers served to her first even though she had deserted us. Having a lawyer made it a lot easier for the most part. Maybe you can have less stress by letting a lawyer deal with this?

Out of your possible options of what to do now, which option is best for you? You, not her.

How do you get past putting your heart in front of your head?  What a lifelong internal struggle this question has always held for me. 

1. Does this person actually love me in any real way?

2. Is this what a marriage is supposed to be like?

3. Do I deserve to be mentally & / or physically abused by my partner.

I found that when I answered those three questions my mind began to overpower the heart.

[joeramabeme]

Can you share more about what your ambivalence is for option #2?

Thanks Sunflower, I think the ambivalence for #2 is that if I follow through with this then I am admitting/accepting/validating/ensuring that the marriage is over.  I know . . . how CRAZY is that!  She left, said she wants a divorce, told everyone, has made no mention of wanting to be together and hasnt changed her mind since December.  LOL!  Or is it Cry out loud.  It is over and yet I allow my mind to hang on to some fantasy that she will change her mind.

I also really wanted this to be as amicable as possible and non-adversarial - but I guess that is a contradiction when it comes to divorce and moreover, she could care less if it is adversarial or not - does not change her approach at all.

Journey from the head to the heart is the longest... .

[joeramabeme]

1. Does this person actually love me in any real way?

2. Is this what a marriage is supposed to be like?

3. Do I deserve to be mentally & / or physically abused by my partner.

I found that when I answered those three questions my mind began to overpower the heart.

Thanks Awakened; here are the answers.

1) Yes, but I know that she does not feel safe with expressing and holding her love openly.

2) Nope!  Not at all, hence when I begin to let go of the fantasy, the anger comes right in.

3) No, which is why I am considering lawyer only but hesitate due to answer #1.

All this has been helpful, I think I know my next move is to call her in a matter of fact manner with a limited tolerance for any potential abuse stuff.

I will post back as I need to do this soon, like today or tomorrow... .