Manipulation And Emotional Abuse

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

 She was manipulating me and emotionally abusing me.

Yes she was...

What role were you playing in the dynamic?

FF



Mod note: This thread was split from: Shell-Shocked

[formflier]

 She was manipulating me and emotionally abusing me.

Yes she was...

What role were you playing in the dynamic?

FF



Mod note: This thread was split from: Shell-Shocked

[Flexion]

 She was manipulating me and emotionally abusing me.

Yes she was...

What role were you playing in the dynamic?

FF

Like a little b*tch, I was begging her to reason with me.

Later today, I impulsively swung through Ross to pick up my son some clothes for his birthday tomorrow. She is normally heavily involved in getting my sons( although they are from previous marriage). So, I was standing in line with him a few items and who walks in? you got it... .her!

She barely acknowledges me. I just look to see if she would say anything. In the middle of the store, she goes off saying "why are you staring at me like that?" .

she then asks me, is that for L__ ( my 21 yo). I said, "yes." she goes off about I didn't even consider her or ask her about it. Mind you, she hasn't spoken to me all week. She has b___ed about my oldest son and the one currently staying with us. It's been constant over the last several days. I told her "tomorrow is his birthday, you have surgery tomorrow and the is the only chance  I had. Usually, I would be with clients, but today I had cancellations, which allowed me to swing through.

I mean, what was  I supposed to do? She has verbally assaulted me all week and alot of it was about my kids. She started crap today about hte surgery.

I apologized even though she is in the wrong and hasn't spoken to me all week(except texts).

So from that point, she goes back into the entire 8 years of our relationship and 50 more texts saying the SAME THING AS SHE HAS SAID 1 MILLION TIMES. I am at an end. There is NO common ground or reasoning.  her mind is always looking for something to be pissed off at me. I swear I believe this.

I THINK IM GOING CRAZY! Lol

[babyducks]

So from that point, she goes back into the entire 8 years of our relationship and 50 more texts saying the SAME THING AS SHE HAS SAID 1 MILLION TIMES. I am at an end. There is NO common ground or reasoning.  

Hi Flexion,

what do you do when you get 50 texts in a row?

[Flexion]

So from that point, she goes back into the entire 8 years of our relationship and 50 more texts saying the SAME THING AS SHE HAS SAID 1 MILLION TIMES. I am at an end. There is NO common ground or reasoning.  

Hi Flexion,

what do you do when you get 50 texts in a row?

Honestly, I have tried everything. I have tried to reason (never retaliate), tried to be short, and also tried ignoring. She just keeps shifting gears and attacking. Jumping around from everything she FEELS that a wrong occurred. Many things are twisted around. They actually could of happened, but COMPLETELY out of context and exaggerated.

[babyducks]

I  believe you have tried everything you could think of.   And I believe the results you are seeing are confusingly illogical.   I have been in your shoes.

Today is the day your wife has surgery to repair the hand she broke hitting you in the head right?

How is that going?

[Flexion]

I  believe you have tried everything you could think of.   And I believe the results you are seeing are confusingly illogical.   I have been in your shoes.

Today is the day your wife has surgery to repair the hand she broke hitting you in the head right?

How is that going?

wow wow wow. Yes, today is the day. Everything was good. she said, Im going to take a bath and get ready. Meanwhile, my 21 year old mention that his mom(my ex) was dropping by is birthday gift. SHe started general conversations through text. All of a sudden, she shifts gears and says " you should just go F*ck her." I stopped texting and went to the room to say "babe, what are you talking about. I'm trying to be here for you for this surgery and I have no issues." Blah blah blah! She screams and cusses, belittles, cries, tells me she hates my ugly face, blah blah blah. we make it to the car and she explodes, punching the dash of the car (yes, including the hand for surgery). I have NEVER seen such hatred and anger. I did nothing to get such a response. sHe cant see that she attacks me everyday through text. IDL .

all of a sudden, she's calm again now. Acts like nothing happened.  She is in surgery now.

[formflier]

 

Why ask her what is up with the text?

It's bad behavior... .ignore it.  Stay away from her.

Next time she behaves badly in a car.  Pull over, take keys tell her you are going for 5 minute walk to calm down.

Make it about you... .don't "accuse" her of messing up.

Zero tolerance is best policy for rages in vehicles... .

Otherwise it will escalate.

FF

[babyducks]

Hi Jax,

I hope the surgery went okay and that her hand has been repaired.   I'm going to guess pounding it on the dashboard didn't do much for it.

I'm not sure how much information you have about BPD.    So I'm going to try and provide a little background for you.   People with BPD (pwBPD) process and perceive life much differently than you and I do.   That's one of the reasons why communications can get so tangled up.   Frequently our partners don't express themselves well or don't talk about the real issues.

Everything was good. she said, Im going to take a bath and get ready. Meanwhile, my 21 year old mention that his mom(my ex) was dropping by is birthday gift. SHe started general conversations through text. All of a sudden, she shifts gears and says " you should just go F*ck her."

pwBPD see their emotions as being caused by others or by events outside themselves, with no belief that they have any sort of control over their emotions.

If you and I were having a bad day, and someone was coming over who annoyed or irritated us we would likely think: "Shoot So-and-So is coming here, I am going to go hide in the bathroom until she goes away."  Or something like that.

A person with BPD is more likely to think: "Those two are doing it to me again,  they are conspiring to make me feel bad."

pwBPD Believe that the only way to change how they feel is to get other people or events to change.

All of a sudden, she shifts gears and says " you should just go F*ck her."

She is upset, she is irritated, she is annoyed by the visit.   She either wants it to not happen or for your Ex Wife to go away and she is going to change something that is bothering her by getting events to change.  She throws an F-bomb out.   

I stopped texting and went to the room to say "babe, what are you talking about. I'm trying to be here for you for this surgery and I have no issues."

This is a pretty normal reaction.   You are trying to soothe her heightened emotional reaction.  You are trying to explain something logically.   It's a natural thing to do.   And I guarantee it will never ever work.   

You are responding to the topic, the unusual text message about sexual relations with your ex-wife, which is really normal.   That is the topic,  that is NOT the issue.    The issue is pwBPD have harmfully intense emotions.  They are the emotional equivalent of third degree burn victims.   They have great difficultly regulating their emotional responses, they are highly sensitive.   They don't react or handle stress well.   This is a serious mental illness.    They are not evil.  It's not a lack of will power.

So you go in and try and logically explain to her that her painfully intense emotion that she is trying desperately to get rid of by dumping it (inappropriately to be sure) on you is, well... .logically wrong.   

and she goes... .

She screams and cusses, belittles, cries, tells me she hates my ugly face, blah blah blah. we make it to the car and she explodes, punching the dash of the car (yes, including the hand for surgery). I have NEVER seen such hatred and anger.

I have been through enough BPD rages.   I know exactly what you are describing.   All that boiling emotion inside of her has to come out and it does.   Badly.  It comes out badly because she has this negative emotion that she is trying to get rid of and you told her emotion is unimportant, a non-issue.  That's how she heard it.   

I did nothing to get such a response. sHe cant see that she attacks me everyday through text. IDL .

all of a sudden, she's calm again now. Acts like nothing happened.  She is in surgery now.

You did nothing wrong.   We've all done what you've done.   You process information and emotion differently than she does.   Right now she will never see that she attacks you everyday through text.   That is so far beyond her world view at the moment you might as well be talking rocket science.   And yes, once she has spent her emotional energy she would be calm.   

Right now you are stuck in the cycle of conflict.   Most of us are when we first arrive.   The cycle of conflict is like a feedback loop that keeps escalating and escalating.    Some one has to be the first to break the cycle.  By walking away.   By not replying to a verbally abusive text that tells you to do something to your ex wife.   by not engaging in the drama.   

what do you think?   

'ducks

[Flexion]

Why ask her what is up with the text?

It's bad behavior... .ignore it.  Stay away from her.

Next time she behaves badly in a car.  Pull over, take keys tell her you are going for 5 minute walk to calm down.

Make it about you... .don't "accuse" her of messing up.

Zero tolerance is best policy for rages in vehicles... .

Otherwise it will escalate.

FF

I am working on stuff like this. I usually do very well with getting away from her. But, it usually makes it worse.

[formflier]

I am working on stuff like this. I usually do very well with getting away from her. But, it usually makes it worse.

Very interested in how you think it is making it worse.

Please go into some detail and describe the dynamic and how you define worse.

This stuff isn't easy... .sometimes you have to power through "worse" to get to "better". 

Sometimes... .worse is really worse... .I'm hoping to help you work through it to figure that out.

FF

[Flexion]

I am working on stuff like this. I usually do very well with getting away from her. But, it usually makes it worse.

Very interested in how you think it is making it worse.

Please go into some detail and describe the dynamic and how you define worse.

This stuff isn't easy... .sometimes you have to power through "worse" to get to "better". 

Sometimes... .worse is really worse... .I'm hoping to help you work through it to figure that out.

FF

Kind of hard to explain. I hope others have a hard time putting in words as well! Lol.

Anyhow, She finds fault in everything. IF you do it this way, you should of done it that way. THe next time, you should of done it this way. There are no right answers.  IF I do something nice, she finds a negative with it. IF i don't do it, I'm the worse husband in the world. I am serious about this. I've tried even staring into the TV while she rants.

IF I share with her my feelings, stresses and work stress, she shuts me down. But, then b___es when  I didn't tell her about something. I can't win.

IF I walk out of the room, she calls me a Pu**Y . Names seem to be her thing( like a 15 year old).IF I stay in the room, there is no communication. It's just her yelling her "Feelings" at me. I get feelings, but as we know, she has an array of them ( i believe that shift by the hour).   

[walbsy7]

I am working on stuff like this. I usually do very well with getting away from her. But, it usually makes it worse.

Very interested in how you think it is making it worse.

Please go into some detail and describe the dynamic and how you define worse.

This stuff isn't easy... .sometimes you have to power through "worse" to get to "better". 

Sometimes... .worse is really worse... .I'm hoping to help you work through it to figure that out.

FF

Kind of hard to explain. I hope others have a hard time putting in words as well! Lol.

Anyhow, She finds fault in everything. IF you do it this way, you should of done it that way. THe next time, you should of done it this way. There are no right answers.  IF I do something nice, she finds a negative with it. IF i don't do it, I'm the worse husband in the world. I am serious about this. I've tried even staring into the TV while she rants.

IF I share with her my feelings, stresses and work stress, she shuts me down. But, then b___es when  I didn't tell her about something. I can't win.

IF I walk out of the room, she calls me a Pu**Y . Names seem to be her thing( like a 15 year old).IF I stay in the room, there is no communication. It's just her yelling her "Feelings" at me. I get feelings, but as we know, she has an array of them ( i believe that shift by the hour).   

I am literally in the same situation as I write this with you. I turn left, should have turned right, I turn right next time and I should have went left. I get her the wrong flavor seltzer and I am a criminal because she hates that one, so the next time I buy her what she "always has" and she wanted something different. Now I am trying to listen and learn, but now I suck at communicating. I am hoping the emotional roller coaster of my wife runs out of gas soon so I can have some peace in my life for a few moments. I am going on almost 24 hours of rage against me. I am emotionally drained now. I am sleeping at my desk because I was up until 3 last night. This dam BPD has 100% consumed my life, I can not even concentrate. I begin to think about it and I dont even know where to start. I want to express my feelings but I am so torn and beat down and tired I can not even start to express them. I want to go home to sleep after work but my wife wont let me. She will make me take care of the baby because I am the bad guy and need punishment and she is tired also. I want to sleep in my small crappy truck tonight but that would be abandoning her.

I have not gotten a text or call from her in an hour now, (I spent 2 hours on the phone already today getting yelled at. I need to stay on the phone otherwise she will call my boss and treat him bad, and there is nothing I can do about it). I am surprised though, ever once in a while I feel like I am walking through the door of fire when I comehome, and she is peaceful and calm. I really hope that happens in 3 hours for me, and I hope this happens for you as well Flexion. Every once in a while I think I am at my end, she lightens up, and hopefully that happens for you so you can mentally regroup for the next battle.

[walbsy7]

I figured I would update this for comic relief, my wife just texted/called, she is pissed!  Happy time is over. I need to resort to silence as my boundary right now, I am unable to cope at the moment.

[Flexion]

I figured I would update this for comic relief, my wife just texted/called, she is pissed!  Happy time is over. I need to resort to silence as my boundary right now, I am unable to cope at the moment.

Good luck, my friend.

Mine went off about me asking about her ___ty text.  From that, I am the worse husband, suffer short man syndrome( not sure where that comes from ), she hates me, worse 8 years of her life, I am NO man she wants to be with, she has nothing for me, blah blah blah blah .  She thinks my 21 year old heard me says "I guess I'm lying about being sick." she acts like I am, though. Questions everything I do or say.

IT's really taxing emotionally. I am not sure she's not going to do something stupid. Should I go ahead and end this? that's my question. This is nearly every week and every time something petty comes up.

MY question is... .Can she remain faithful with BPD or is it a matter of time? this  would never be a question in my mind, nor do I question her. SHe is very loyal. But, the stuff she says now, has me skeptical. 

So, yes silent treatment for now!

[Flexion]

[/quote]
I am literally in the same situation as I write this with you. I turn left, should have turned right, I turn right next time and I should have went left. I get her the wrong flavor seltzer and I am a criminal because she hates that one, so the next time I buy her what she "always has" and she wanted something different. Now I am trying to listen and learn, but now I suck at communicating. I am hoping the emotional roller coaster of my wife runs out of gas soon so I can have some peace in my life for a few moments. I am going on almost 24 hours of rage against me. I am emotionally drained now. I am sleeping at my desk because I was up until 3 last night. This dam BPD has 100% consumed my life, I can not even concentrate. I begin to think about it and I dont even know where to start. I want to express my feelings but I am so torn and beat down and tired I can not even start to express them. I want to go home to sleep after work but my wife wont let me. She will make me take care of the baby because I am the bad guy and need punishment and she is tired also. I want to sleep in my small crappy truck tonight but that would be abandoning her.

I have not gotten a text or call from her in an hour now, (I spent 2 hours on the phone already today getting yelled at. I need to stay on the phone otherwise she will call my boss and treat him bad, and there is nothing I can do about it). I am surprised though, ever once in a while I feel like I am walking through the door of fire when I comehome, and she is peaceful and calm. I really hope that happens in 3 hours for me, and I hope this happens for you as well Flexion. Every once in a while I think I am at my end, she lightens up, and hopefully that happens for you so you can mentally regroup for the next battle. [/quote]
[/quote]
I feel you, man! She's blown my phone up for 2 hours, bashing everything about me. Emotionally spent is to say the least. I have shared before, I am 43 and a NPC Pysique competitor. My background is a former Church Pastor. I am confident and by standards, very successful. However, she has a way of destroying that happy, confident feeling.

The problem remains... .they never see their faults. THey devalue us and tell us how  we did everything wrong.

I have spent 8 hours over days going over the SAME STUFF! Repetetively beating me down about things that are not true( She's admits t0). It wears you down. THen come home to her locked in the room. Of course, she doesn't want to talk. She wants to assault from the bedroom with texts. .

Yes, I work 12-14 hours a day. she works 8. I take my son to school 2-3 days a week and pick him up the same. But, to hear her talk, it's so horrible and I'm a horrible dad,,, blah blah blah.  I quit working so much and took ~30k pay cut( my own business) to be there more to help out. it's not enough. Even now, when i come home after working 12 hours, she hands me my son to take care of so she can take a bath. . She says she works the same! Furthermore, she is now mad that I mention cutting back  on spending, since I cut my work load to be there more. YOu can't win! You can't win! YOu can't win!

She rants that I am never there for her. But, I've noticed that she will always act out on holidays, her birthday and while anticipating something stressful.Like the  surgery she had this past Friday. Despite my overboard efforts to keep peace, she found a way to go ballistic in the car, punching the dash. .

Man, I wish you the best. But, I feel you can never emotionally meet their needs.   They don't even know.

[formflier]

 

Fellas,

You have the power to change the dynamic... .

You have the power to eliminate the stress of 2 hour phone calls from your life.

While we can't guarantee exactly what the new dynamic will look like... .and how it will all end up... .the key is that you will learn to move forward without "fear" of her rages and tactics.

Eventually they will realize that the tactics aren't working... .and they will move along to something else.

What "something else" is... .remains to be seen.  Very likely it will be better than what you have now.

Every once in a while they may "test" things to see if a boundary still exists... .my wife has recently started text bombing again.  I skim them... and don't engage in text debates about things.

So... .she calls you... pissed.  Validate... .be emotionally supportive.  If she at all backs down or gets better... .stick with it... .validate... .validate validate.

If she moves in wrong direction... .gets more abusive... .accusatory.  Make it a "we" thing... .or a "me" thing.  "I'm not able to continue this conversation right now.  I'll check back in 10 minutes to see if we can talk properly (respectfully)... .etc etc"  

She will call you names... .won't like it.  Repeat cycle.  :)o not accuse her of name calling.

Staying in same room with an abusive person is not a good idea.  They see you and can't calm down.  Excuse yourself... .come back in 10 minutes with a glass of water for her and one for you.  "Test the waters... " so to speak to see if they will talk respectfully about something else.  Leave the original subject alone.(for now)

So... glass of water and "Hey honey... I was thinking about baking the fish for dinner.  Would you rather have that or those burgers we got the other day"

If she takes bait and is nice... .roll with it.  Slightly grumpy... .validate and hang with it.  Abusive... .leave room... .go have dinner and ignore her.

They will try and bait you... .let the "bait" lay on the floor... .don't pick it up.

You guys up for it... .?

I was scared to do it... .I'm glad I did.

Hehe... .I'll save my first extinction burst story for another time... . 

FF

[walbsy7]

Fellas,

You have the power to change the dynamic... .

You have the power to eliminate the stress of 2 hour phone calls from your life.

While we can't guarantee exactly what the new dynamic will look like... .and how it will all end up... .the key is that you will learn to move forward without "fear" of her rages and tactics.

Eventually they will realize that the tactics aren't working... .and they will move along to something else.

What "something else" is... .remains to be seen.  Very likely it will be better than what you have now.

Every once in a while they may "test" things to see if a boundary still exists... .my wife has recently started text bombing again.  I skim them... and don't engage in text debates about things.

So... .she calls you... pissed.  Validate... .be emotionally supportive.  If she at all backs down or gets better... .stick with it... .validate... .validate validate.

If she moves in wrong direction... .gets more abusive... .accusatory.  Make it a "we" thing... .or a "me" thing.  "I'm not able to continue this conversation right now.  I'll check back in 10 minutes to see if we can talk properly (respectfully)... .etc etc"  

She will call you names... .won't like it.  Repeat cycle.  :)o not accuse her of name calling.

Staying in same room with an abusive person is not a good idea.  They see you and can't calm down.  Excuse yourself... .come back in 10 minutes with a glass of water for her and one for you.  "Test the waters... " so to speak to see if they will talk respectfully about something else.  Leave the original subject alone.(for now)

So... glass of water and "Hey honey... I was thinking about baking the fish for dinner.  Would you rather have that or those burgers we got the other day"

If she takes bait and is nice... .roll with it.  Slightly grumpy... .validate and hang with it.  Abusive... .leave room... .go have dinner and ignore her.

They will try and bait you... .let the "bait" lay on the floor... .don't pick it up.

You guys up for it... .?

I was scared to do it... .I'm glad I did.

Hehe... .I'll save my first extinction burst story for another time... . 

FF

I am definitely up to it. I am sure in 45 minutes I will have to exercise leaving temporarily until she calms down. I already warned  her about by boundary about 10 minutes ago when she was yelling on the phone. I told her my boundary, told her how I would act if she doesn't calm down when I get home and hung up. Already feel better

[walbsy7]

I realize I am thread hacking with my problem but it is relevant. I came home and tried to validate her feelings as best I could. She wanted a divorce and keeps saying it. I apologized for the promise i previously made and said it was wrong. She keeps saying I'm not changing and I said my communication was good today. One thing lead to the next and she through the trash all over the house. Threw a few small items and I left. Where am I going? Book store to read some about BPD agajn

[walbsy7]

I made it clear I was not abandoning her and I will come back soon after she has calmed down.