How to let go of Mother's BPD behavior and not let it trigger me...

[Gcnyc]

So my mom is BPD, 3rd party diagnosed by my therapist throughout my life. I had about 10 years of severe physical abuse, verbal, isolation, in a controlling and manipulative enviornnment which pushed me to become desperate and make choices out of wanting to leave asap.

Some people don't know how I can share my house with her for 1.5 months every year during the holidays. It is a sacrifice and it triggers me. I dislike her being here honestly, but wish it was better. Before you say I should cut her off, she also gave me amazing experiences and did 90% of what she did for my benefit until I hit around 13 then she went off the wall and even prevented me from going to college or before that do my homework during HS so I couldn't leave home. She is mentally ill.

My children love her, she babysat them and partially raised them. She loves us. Always depressed from living so far away and seeing us only once a year. I love her and appreciate tons she does. HOWEVER, her conversations and ways of seeing the world piss me off. I don't understand why I can't just say "ah, crazy old lady" and ignore her comments. She hates a book, an author, the cashier, the neighbor is odd, the kids that come over open the fridge too much, my friend has alterior motives, the car was really trying to cut her off, she's not stupid the person in the parking lot was blocking her on purpose, and on and on and on. Nothing is in a gray area, not one accidentially screws up and no one is unaware. It is all purposeful. Guilt trips 24/7. I am also sick, very sick, chronically and biologically sick with many meds, and so she always downplays it or tells me to reduce my stress and I'll get better if not do a full recovery.

So how do I let her conversations about things in negative light, 8 out of 10 topics, stop pissing me off. I want to just let go. If she was some random old lady I'd ignore it, but I also wouldn't hang out with her. She's coming in two weeks. I'd like to be less annoyed by her.

[Flintridge]

Hi Gcnyc,

I had to kind of laugh about some of your mom's complaints because my mom is SO the same way, she criticizes everyone. Especially driving, my goodness! I totally understand, this type of attitude about everything can be SO grating. I think what helps to not eternalize these comments is to remember why your mom says the things she does. I think it's a form of projection, I think these people have so much self hate that it makes them feel better (or does it?) to gripe about everyone else. You can figure that if this is the reason they behave that way, it's really sad, I can't imagine going through life like that being so angry at everything and everyone. When you add compassion to the mix, it's easier to tolerate these outbursts.

You could also try finding something else to do or focus on when she starts behaving this way. Or if need be, leave the room, go to the bathroom. Hang in there, I know it's not easy!

[HappyChappy]

It is all purposeful. Guilt trips 24/7. I am also sick, very sick, chronically and biologically sick with many meds, and so she always downplays it or tells me to reduce my stress and I'll get better if not do a full recovery.

Does sound like you may want to consider if you have PTSD, probably complex PTSD. Because that will also tell you why you get “triggered” and is one of the most common aliments children with a BPD mother would suffer from (along with eating disorders). However that’s a matter for your medical experts, but whether you have this or not, CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) is often recommended for dealing with “triggers”. Here’ you basically have to analyse the triggers and thought behind them and them.  Then update the thoughts behind them.

Very roughly a BPD works on the Paolo’s dog theory. In that you are being triggered on purpose. A BPD may have nagged you or even gently repeated a message when you were young, and when you hear something familiar today it triggers you. So think Vietnam war veteran being triggered by a back firing car. The car isn’t a danger, but it triggered a memory of when bombs were exploding around them, hence a heightened sense of fear. So you basically need to isolate each trigger and then rationalise the panicking thoughts away. So my BPD was physically abusive, but she’s an old woman now, so she can’t over power me. That was one trigger I managed to overcome with rational thought. In the short term, focus on mindfullness to take thoughts away from what triggers you.

CBT does take a long time, as you’re trying to re-wire subconscious thoughts you have for a life time and as yet never challenged properly. So I doubt this will help an imminent visit. I also found I had to go NC whilst I was doing this, as my BPD is so overpowering she laughs in the face of boundaries, it’s all or nothing with her. But the good news is, I got better and my PTSD was very bad, so I see no reason why you can’t mend, just so long as you go in the right direction. Think of you health before your BPD, you can’t help her until you help yourself first and she did say to you “reduce your stress”. PTSD is very sensitive to stress, being stressed makes it play up more. You mentioned your BPD is very stressful. As for you being “less annoying” that won’t ever happen, you BPD will never stop trying to trigger you, you state yourself she does it on purpose. Best of luck.

[HappyChappy]

It is all purposeful. Guilt trips 24/7. I am also sick, very sick, chronically and biologically sick with many meds, and so she always downplays it or tells me to reduce my stress and I'll get better if not do a full recovery.

Does sound like you may want to consider if you have PTSD, probably complex PTSD. Because that will also tell you why you get “triggered” and is one of the most common aliments children with a BPD mother would suffer from (along with eating disorders). However that’s a matter for your medical experts, but whether you have this or not, CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) is often recommended for dealing with “triggers”. Here’ you basically have to analyse the triggers and thought behind them and them.  Then update the thoughts behind them.

Very roughly a BPD works on the Paolo’s dog theory. In that you are being triggered on purpose. A BPD may have nagged you or even gently repeated a message when you were young, and when you hear something familiar today it triggers you. So think Vietnam war veteran being triggered by a back firing car. The car isn’t a danger, but it triggered a memory of when bombs were exploding around them, hence a heightened sense of fear. So you basically need to isolate each trigger and then rationalise the panicking thoughts away. So my BPD was physically abusive, but she’s an old woman now, so she can’t over power me. That was one trigger I managed to overcome with rational thought. In the short term, focus on mindfullness to take thoughts away from what triggers you. But that probably won't be effective enough  if your BPD is living with you. I use to stay out of the house for as long as possible when I was living at home, and have loads of distractions.

CBT does take a long time, as you’re trying to re-wire subconscious thoughts you have for a life time and as yet never challenged properly. So I doubt this will help an imminent visit. I also found I had to go NC whilst I was doing this, as my BPD is so overpowering she laughs in the face of boundaries, it’s all or nothing with her. But the good news is, I got better and my PTSD was very bad, so I see no reason why you can’t mend, just so long as you go in the right direction. Think of you health before your BPD, you can’t help her until you help yourself first and she did say to you “reduce your stress”. PTSD is very sensitive to stress, being stressed makes it play up more. You mentioned your BPD is very stressful. As for you being “less annoying” that won’t ever happen, you BPD will never stop trying to trigger you, you state yourself she does it on purpose. Best of luck.

[never_flinch]

I have similiar frustrations with regards to the outlandish behavior/comments and or/negativity forced upon us by our mothers. My mom uses racially offensive descriptions of people when they piss her off one minute, and the next if they please her she flips faster than a politician in a debate One time, in front of my very dear and close hispanic friend, she commented on a cultural "laziness" she experienced whilst growing up at my adoptive grandparents' farm. When I was in Jr high she explained a slang term for Brazilian nuts to both me and the friend that I had over our house, who happened to be black. I sometimes feel conflicted because when she says this stuff to people nonchalantly "and not out of specific evoked anger towards a person's actions" , I know in my heart of hearts that, she doesn't mean to be offensive or specifically hurt anyone's feelings.

Now, I have no clue if what I do when this happens is right or wrong... .but ever since I was old enough to know better i confronted it head-on. When she made that comment about my hispanic friend, I immediately said in front of everyone that I thought her statement might have come off as sounding extremely racist, and that I knew that's not how she meant it but that maybe she should rephrase... .Unfortunately my friend Raul interjected and said that he wasn't offended by her comment and that it was okay. My feelings on the matter is that not addressing the heart of a situation like that right when it happens is detrimental to taking smaller steps and creating better relations with everyone. But... I am happy to be wrong ... .proof in the pudding, my mom and I right now are in a really dysfunctional fog right now.