My male BPD

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I was in a relationship with a man for seven years who has Borderline Personality Disorder.  I didn't know this until several months ago when I went with him to see his therapist.  I was confused because I knew something wasn't right with him in all of the years that we were together.  My relationship was like a roller coaster ride, not fun at all.  Just a month ago he decided he no longer wanted to be with me for like the 100th time, but this time I was just so done with the madness I decided enough was enough so I agreed to let go.  I began speaking with family members of his and found out that he had cheated on me the entire seven years of our relationship, he has been stalking me throughout the relationship whether we were together or on a break, he reached out to my family friends and made up false stories about me making me out to be this horrible person, he even bad mouthed me to his own family.  He wanted me to need him and when that didn't happen I became his enemy.  He still stalks me even now.  The sad part is that I love him.  What's wrong with me?  Do I want him back, No.  But I do feel lost because I can still remember the good times and that's what hurts the most.  He manipulated me, he lied, he cheated, he was disrespectful, very vindictive, cold, accused me of the things he was doing to me.  He messed with my head.

[Ashamedandangry]

I was in a relationship with a man for seven years who has Borderline Personality Disorder.  I didn't know this until several months ago when I went with him to see his therapist.  I was confused because I knew something wasn't right with him in all of the years that we were together.  My relationship was like a roller coaster ride, not fun at all.  Just a month ago he decided he no longer wanted to be with me for like the 100th time, but this time I was just so done with the madness I decided enough was enough so I agreed to let go.  I began speaking with family members of his and found out that he had cheated on me the entire seven years of our relationship, he has been stalking me throughout the relationship whether we were together or on a break, he reached out to my family friends and made up false stories about me making me out to be this horrible person, he even bad mouthed me to his own family.  He wanted me to need him and when that didn't happen I became his enemy.  He still stalks me even now.  The sad part is that I love him.  What's wrong with me?  Do I want him back, No.  But I do feel lost because I can still remember the good times and that's what hurts the most.  He manipulated me, he lied, he cheated, he was disrespectful, very vindictive, cold, accused me of the things he was doing to me.  He messed with my head.

[Lifewriter16]

Hi Ashamedandangry,

Welcome to the Boards here at BPD Family. I am so glad you have found us.

So many people here will relate to your experiences and how you have been left feeling. What you describe is typical BPD behaviour. I also struggled with remembering the good times and felt I had to leave even though I still loved my BPDbf (now exbf). I, too, felt my sense of reality had been seriously disturbed because he messed with my head. When I arrived here, I was in terrible pain. It helped me to keep posting. I have been coming here daily (and often many times a day) for the last 7 months. Gradually, my pain has been subsiding but I did have months of dreadful, seemingly unbearable pain. But, I'm here to tell you that the pain does lessen. Keep posting. Tell us about your experiences. Tell us how dreadful the pain is when it gets unbearable. Let us be here for you. And then begin to reflect upon who your ex reminds you of in your family of origin and begin to heal those wounds. That healing will bring you freedom and hope for a different kind of future.

Sending you some love... .and give yourself a really big hug,

Lifewriter 

[Ashamedandangry]

Hi lifewriter16:

I appreciate you reaching out to me.  Today was not a good day at all.  I stepped out with my little boy to do what we normally do on a Saturday together, my son loves trains, we went for a ride on the train and then went for pizza at a local pizzeria.  When I reached out to pay the man behind the counter told me the pizza had already been paid for by my husband... .  Husband, I'm not married and I then knew my ex BPD had followed myself and my son, I almost felt my heart stop for a couple of seconds.  I tried my best to not look panicked in front of my son whose autistic.  He senses my feelings.  When I got home I sent an email to my ex as a last resort and threatened to file an order of protection if he didn't stop stalking me.  Of course his response was one of a victim and he began telling me how he has moved on with someone else and how I never loved him.  I became outraged and then sad and then I felt sympathy for this other woman who is his next victim.  Outrage because I did love him and still do, sadness because he is with someone else after a month of he and I not being together and then sympathy for his next victim.  Even now that we are not together I feel as if I'm still on this roller coaster ride, I want off!  I haven't cried much anymore and I don't know what to think about that.  I feel this heaviness in my heart, I have these horrible headaches and my self worth just seems lost.  He acts as though this is a game.  He even said he loved me.  It makes me sick to think that his so called love was the love that he felt I was worthy of.  I just wish I could wake up and forget he ever existed in my life.  I feel as if I will never be free from him. 

[unicorn2014]

I was in a relationship with a man for seven years who has Borderline Personality Disorder.  I didn't know this until several months ago when I went with him to see his therapist.  I was confused because I knew something wasn't right with him in all of the years that we were together.  My relationship was like a roller coaster ride, not fun at all.  Just a month ago he decided he no longer wanted to be with me for like the 100th time, but this time I was just so done with the madness I decided enough was enough so I agreed to let go.  I began speaking with family members of his and found out that he had cheated on me the entire seven years of our relationship, he has been stalking me throughout the relationship whether we were together or on a break, he reached out to my family friends and made up false stories about me making me out to be this horrible person, he even bad mouthed me to his own family.  He wanted me to need him and when that didn't happen I became his enemy.  He still stalks me even now.  The sad part is that I love him.  What's wrong with me?  Do I want him back, No.  But I do feel lost because I can still remember the good times and that's what hurts the most.  He manipulated me, he lied, he cheated, he was disrespectful, very vindictive, cold, accused me of the things he was doing to me.  He messed with my head.

Hi ashamed and angry   and welcome to BPD family! 

Nobody should have to go through an experience like that and I'm sorry you did. 

You will find a community of people here on BPD family who have been where you are at and understand what you are going through.

It is possible to heal from the pain. Thank you for reaching out to us. How much contact do you have with the person with BPD in your life?

[Lifewriter16]

Hi AshamedandAngry,

I'm so sorry to hear that yesterday was such a bad day for you, but I'm glad it motivated you to reach out for help. The feelings you describe can be so overwhelming. Having to suppress your emotions to avoid your child having meltdowns is an added pressure.

I think a legal order to stop your BPDxbf contacting you (and coming within a certain distance of you) could be a good next step. Do you keep a log of your contact? Such a log would be invaluable evidence for the court that hears your case.

I went on the internet when I was finding it difficult to shake off one of my exes. I found a great website. They have a good handbook for victims which identifies some of the particular difficulties that victims face when they have been in a relationship with their stalker. It gives advice about what to include in a stalking log (date, time, location, description of contact, description of your response, witnesses present at the time). It also gives advice on how best to respond to future contact if you wish to bring about a cessation of all contact. It's well worth a read:

https://www.victimsofcrime.org/docs/src/stalking-a-handbook-for-victims.pdf?sfvrsn=2

I'm not surprised that you feel unable to grieve at the moment, you are still having to cope with the fear of repeated, unwanted contact. The heaviness in your heart sounds like a buildup of emotional pain. When you find a safe place, you will begin to shift that pain. In the meantime, don't worry that you can't cry. You will, in time. Do you have anyone that you can talk to? Have you considered contacting a stalking telephone helpline or an organisation that supports victims of crime for advice or direction to other appropriate services? Has there ever been any violence between you and your ex? This could open the door to domestic violence services.

Here's just one of many articles about BPD that you might find interesting. I have taken a wild guess in suggesting it to you, so if it doesn't seem relevant or you find it's too distressing, stop reading:

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a121.htm

There's loads of other articles that might appeal to you. I found this one particularly useful as I felt like I was having withdrawal symptoms when my relationship ended and apparently there's good reason for that:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/breaking-up

Love Lifewriter

[Ashamedandangry]

Unicorn2014:

Thank you for also reaching out to me.  You asked how much contact I have with my exBPD, the reality is I don't have any contact with him at all.  Sending him an email yesterday was the only contact I have had.  He changed his phone number once he left a month ago.  I don't even know where he lives.  The sad part is he still has my number, he knows where I live and knows the places I frequent.  I feel like a prisoner.  I fell asleep last nite thinking about him and woke up this morning with him on my mind.  I don't know how to erase him from my thoughts and my heart.  I am ashamed of myself for having loved him and still do.  I know that there must be something terribly wrong with me for loving someone who has been so horrible to me.  The good never outweighed the bad when it came to him, but I loved him anyway.  I'm having a hard time functioning in my every day life.  He said he will leave me alone and has moved on but I don't believe that he will let me be.  He has been stalking me for years but I didn't know it or at least it didn't dawn on me what I thought were coincidences.  He always managed to show up wherever I was at.  This time he's become smarter.  I haven't seen him at all.  He drives a different car than the one I know of.  He's a former NYPD officer and thinks he's above the law and knows how to be unseen.  I'm so tired.  I feel defeated.

[Ceruleanblue]

Can you get an order of protection? If you can, I'd do so. Are you afraid of him?

I think it's really normal for you to be thinking of him a lot, and grieving the loss of the relationship. I got away from a sociopath, and I knew he was bad news, but that didn't stop me from loving him or grieving the fact that I had to get away from him. Getting away was a very conscious, and hard choice. Especially because it was something my heart didn't want to do, but my brain and logic told me I had to.

You are just feeling the after effects of being involved with someone who put you through the wringer. Try not to be so hard on yourself. Lots of us here have been through it, and it's awful, but it gets better.

Work on healing YOU, and spending time with your son. Lean on family and friends. Get that restraining order if you can, and hard as it is, try not to focus on him too much.

Hugs to you, and keep coming here too for support. 

[unicorn2014]

Unicorn2014:

Thank you for also reaching out to me.  You asked how much contact I have with my exBPD, the reality is I don't have any contact with him at all.  Sending him an email yesterday was the only contact I have had.  He changed his phone number once he left a month ago.  I don't even know where he lives.  The sad part is he still has my number, he knows where I live and knows the places I frequent.  I feel like a prisoner.  I fell asleep last nite thinking about him and woke up this morning with him on my mind.  I don't know how to erase him from my thoughts and my heart.  I am ashamed of myself for having loved him and still do.  I know that there must be something terribly wrong with me for loving someone who has been so horrible to me.  The good never outweighed the bad when it came to him, but I loved him anyway.  I'm having a hard time functioning in my every day life.  He said he will leave me alone and has moved on but I don't believe that he will let me be.  He has been stalking me for years but I didn't know it or at least it didn't dawn on me what I thought were coincidences.  He always managed to show up wherever I was at.  This time he's become smarter.  I haven't seen him at all.  He drives a different car than the one I know of.  He's a former NYPD officer and thinks he's above the law and knows how to be unseen.  I'm so tired.  I feel defeated.

Again, ashamed and angry, I am sorry you are going through this,   and nobody should have to go through this. :'(  Don't beat yourself up for feeling the way you do,   we can't help who we love.   As we get healthier we make healthier choices.   That must be really scary to feel stalked by someone. Do you think getting a restraining order might help you in your situation?