Court Jan 8 For Felony Domestic Assault Against My Husband

[tarantula17]

I need help. i newly married back in july and about a month ago, my husband came to the realization that he has BPD. he had been given an official diagnosis years ago, but didn't believe it.

i couldn't take any more of the physical and emotional abuse he was giving me during his emotional highs, and people threatened to take the kids away if they saw any more of that behavior, so i sent him back to his mom's in north carolina.

i am drowning and so is our family. this stress is eating ua all alive and is super unforgiving to my fibromyalgia. i have no clue what to do other than to reach out for help. I don't want to lose my husband.

help

[Turkish]

Hello tarantula17,



I'm glad you re reaching out for support!

How old are your kids, and who was threatening to take them away? Is he their bio father, or is he the step-dad?

It siunds like you did what you needed to do to keep you and your children safe. Being stuck in a type of limbo regarding what's next sounds very stressful. How much do you know about BPD? The lessons to the right of this board are a good place to start to learn what you're dealing with here. How is the communication like between you, him, and the kids? I hope to hear more and he we can help.

Turkish

[tarantula17]

Hello tarantula17,



I'm glad you re reaching out for support!

How old are your kids, and who was threatening to take them away? Is he their bio father, or is he the step-dad?

It siunds like you did what you needed to do to keep you and your children safe. Being stuck in a type of limbo regarding what's next sounds very stressful. How much do you know about BPD? The lessons to the right of this board are a good place to start to learn what you're dealing with here. How is the communication like between you, him, and the kids? I hope to hear more and he we can help.

Turkish

The children are 10 and 5. They are not biological to my husband. It was my parents not wanting the children to see any more of the abuse. The kids have already been through so much already including homelessness, many moves, my son has seen me out of a severely abusive relationship in my past, etc.

As far as my education about BPD, it is what I can manage to Google. I see many useful things here I will be reading up on, I just feel like there is nothing I can do at the moment to protect my husband where he is at.

He has told me he cheated on me while down there in NC, and I don't know if that is to get back at me for the false belief that I have been unfaithful or what... .but this is tearing me up hardcore. I would never be unfaithful to him and I totally gave up my entire social life to help him feel certain of my devotion. Now I have no social life, my friends wondered where I went and who I became, I am not involved in my ministries like I used to with the community.

It might sound bad, but I am grateful for the terrible communication he gives me. It is like he throws me a bit e, trying to hurt me because he feels I abandoned our marriage in making him go back to his mom's and he refuses to acknowledge any of the physical or emotional attacks on me.

[tarantula17]

I don't know if it is too late, but he and I still had one app of communication left and we spoke for a while before he said he was going to block me. I read an article on validation and am trying that route.

I guess my greatest concern is how not to 'feed' his fears of cheating, rejection and honesty? That was part of my initial frustration, these things he feared were so very unlikely to ever happen.

[Turkish]

I don't know if it is too late, but he and I still had one app of communication left and we spoke for a while before he said he was going to block me. I read an article on validation and am trying that route.

I guess my greatest concern is how not to 'feed' his fears of cheating, rejection and honesty? That was part of my initial frustration, these things he feared were so very unlikely to ever happen.

Validation and the other tools (SET, DEARMAN) as outline in the lessons can help improve a relationship. We can do what we can do on our side to minimize triggering the core fears of a person with BPD. The part we can't control is their reaction.

You've got a lot going on here. Your parents sounded really concerned about the kids witnessing the abuse. It it was a pattern of yelling, screaming, and with any physicality, then they probably made the right call by providing an outside viewpoint of the situation. Maybe this can help provide some perspective:

TOOLS: Domestic Violence Against Women

It's sad that he's retreated to not contacting you. How much contact do you have with his mother? Do you feel that she supportive of the family, or enabling of her son?

T.

[tarantula17]

I don't know if it is too late, but he and I still had one app of communication left and we spoke for a while before he said he was going to block me. I read an article on validation and am trying that route.

I guess my greatest concern is how not to 'feed' his fears of cheating, rejection and honesty? That was part of my initial frustration, these things he feared were so very unlikely to ever happen.

Validation and the other tools (SET, DEARMAN) as outline in the lessons can help improve a relationship. We can do what we can do on our side to minimize triggering the core fears of a person with BPD. The part we can't control is their reaction.

You've got a lot going on here. Your parents sounded really concerned about the kids witnessing the abuse. It it was a pattern of yelling, screaming, and with any physicality, then they probably made the right call by providing an outside viewpoint of the situation. Maybe this can help provide some perspective:

TOOLS: Domestic Violence Against Women

It's sad that he's retreated to not contacting you. How much contact do you have with his mother? Do you feel that she supportive of the family, or enabling of her son?

T.

I finally reached him in communication. He lied about cheating on me, told several of his friends twisted stories in which he had me cheating with several people (and they believed him). This had me in massive emotional turmoil all day Sunday. I tried validating his thoughts and that seems to help immensely. When he would go back to saying things like 'this is your last chance to confess cheating' I would counter with positive conversation - essentially changing the topic after validation.

We are at the point where I am most nervous. After reading the article here on abuse, I realize he does a lot of those things while he is in am emotional high and I do agree with my parents that the kids shouldn't be witnessing that. I am not as strong as I used to be before fibromyalgia, so I do worry about protecting myself. He has physically stood in the way of me leaving a room before. Then the other thing I am concerned about is that when I had, before I knew much about BPD, asked him twice to go back to his mom's twice now. The first time he came back and struggled with the fear that I had cheated on him while he was away, that I only wanted a vacation from him. Now he believes in full-force that I cheated merely because I messaged my daughter's birthfather and told him (he is not a part of her life at all) that he needed to contact Child Support so they would stop sending me letters. His false reality was so twisted, he told people he caught me cheating on him and him calling me out was what led me to leave him because apparently I couldn't take the truth. His wrath was directed towards one of the few friends I have left... .who has been a friend for ten years, is married and has his own family. My husband hacked my social accounts to garrass and threaten my friend's life. Literally our social circle here through church has been destroyed because of my husband's twisted reality and everyone treats me like a monster. These are people I regularly associated and spent time with before my husband and I married and he came here to live.

I needed to see where this root of belief was coming from, so I admit I read my husband's Facebook messages yesterday. There are messages in there of him telling his friends I cheated on him and then responding with how sorry they are, how evil I am. In one he told a member from church I didn't want to go to church and he was just trying to be a spiritual leader... .why wouldn't I want to go to church? Truth behind it is that we had a blowout the night before, I had no sleep and if I am trying to sleep and am woken repeatedly, my cognitive function is seriously off. My stomach too gets very ill - it is the fibromyalgia. He had woken me up four or five times between the time I was able to rest at three in the morning till about eight in the morning. Of course I had gone to church every Sunday before he came, but I was not going in that morning. He had people believing I was all together rejecting my faith and his attempts to be spiritual leader in our home. Some of his friends outright called me an evil presence in his life!

I am sorry this runs on, but I am worried that if I brought him back, since he has been gone already a second time and he openly accuses me if cheating and abandoning him every few sentences in convo, on top of his continued harassment of my friend and his family now, that it will just be worse.

The upside is that he is receiving treatment here that is a lot better than NC and I am willing to do therapy myself and that made him very happy to hear.

[tarantula17]

He has contacted me this morning with fragments of accusation and distrust. I tried m best to diffuse the situation but it snowballed after I said I needed to get off Facebook and rest, I am dealing with a migraine today.

He called me and told me he will be here in four hours to end my life and that of anyone who wronged him while he lived here.

I called housing and put in an order to have our house locks changed.

[Rapt Reader]

It's great that you are having your locks changed, and I'm glad you are being proactive in this scary situation. This link will give you some valuable information on how to protect yourself and keep yourself safe: Safety First. Do you have a safe place to go? Friends, family, co-workers, etc. to go to right now, to remove yourself from your place? If you believe that your husband's threats are credible, would calling the authorities be wise, as far as your own safety and the safety of the others he is thinking of?

This link that Turkish provided, above, would also be very helpful: TOOLS: Domestic Violence Against Women

Please keep us updated, and take care of yourself, tarantula17 

[tarantula17]

I sincerely appreciate the care you are giving in our circumstances. The last post I made came from my emotional walls and personal strengths being temporaily down. My fibromyalgia is terrible on my mind and body, and most days I can keep basic functions in tact but some days I falter.

My husband doesn't recall the death threats. I found out his vehicle wouldn't make it back here due to lack of finances there in NC to get it fixed. I had called a crisis counselor to ask what to do with all that talk scaring me and she had suggested I go to a shelter for a few days. As a homeschooling mom and sick as I was with the migraine/cold, I could not.

That night I was able to read up more on articles posted here on this site. I started practicing techniques suggested when I spoke to him. I notice a massive difference in how he responded and him keeping his emotional high at a somewhat stable level. Last night we actually spoke on the phone and connected, he confessed to saying things a certain way to hurt me the way he was hurting due to me sending him to his mom's. For a little while it sounded like he was able to realize I loved him very much, he was my only love and that the good times we have shared together and as a family were so unique to me that I would not want to share them with anyone else. I felt like a sliver of progress was made.

This morning I realized that I will have to pursue this type of progress on a daily basis as it seems he wakes up with the turmoil all over again the same as the day before.

I talked to my pastor last night. I realize what mu husband says in an emotional high he doesn't mean, however horrible it appears to the average person who doesn't know he is facing this illness, and that I have to develop a thick skin during those times as well as remain a soft place for him to land while he deals with these fears and anxiety. Pastor asked what they could do for me, I asked only that they pray for us, but also when I fall to my knees in defeat on the days I can't take my illness and his on my shoulders... .to remind me that yes, I can.

I have been setting up a sort of plan while my husband is in NC. I spent time talking to my neighbor and will be taking backpacks of clothes and things over there to leave for our children. If I cannot diffuse my husband, the children will be walked over next door for a while so they are not witnesses to whatever happens. I have plans to talk to the police too and see is I can get something to educate them in the basics of BPD so they are more prepared if someone calls them about a situation.

I tried to reach out to some of his friends, but being g Christians, some of them think I am being evil and monstrous going behind his back speaking to them. If I spoke to them in front of or with my husband, he would get very angry, deny any issue with BPD and accuse me of wanting to break up our marriage with the thought that I was rejecting him for who he is.  Any other plans I can make before I go to NC to pick him up and bring him home are welcome. I will alao call the locatioms suggested about the domestic abuse, as I am new to the ways of diffusing the emotional highs and do not expext all my attempts to succeed. I want your blunt advice and experiences, please.

He will continue to make appointments with his psychiatrist and therapist when back.

[Rapt Reader]

Thanks for the update, tarantula17, and I'm so glad you are safe and that things have deescalated between you and your husband 

This morning I realized that I will have to pursue this type of progress on a daily basis as it seems he wakes up with the turmoil all over again the same as the day before.

This is pretty normal, and it takes time--for both of you--to get used to this new way of communicating, and as you become more adept and comfortable with it, things could really reach a new and better place for your relationship. Keep at it; in the end it will pay off 

It sounds like you are really getting your ducks in a row, and taking care of you and your kids, and I'm happy to hear that you do have a support system and places to go when you need them. And don't feel bad about his friends not being able to connect with you regarding your husband's troubles; it's quite normal for others to be suspicious of personality traits that we can see in our spouses, but they have never seen. I probably wouldn't confide in them, myself, if that is the case. Besides, if they are part of your husband's support group, they may eventually see what you do as they are there for him--and if not, then at least they will be there for him if he needs them. 

I do wish you much peace and success with this situation, and when you go to NC to get your husband... .I don't have any personal experience with needing to prepare for a situation like yours, but there are many others on this Board who have had to do so, and getting the benefit of their experiences will really help you 

[anncgrl]

  Welcome to this messageboard Tarantula17. I relate to so much of what you are saying. It would take too long to address every way that I relate in this one post so I will address the one I find most important. It was for me although I had to have a professional convince me of it. That one thing is protecting ourselves from violence. It was almost impossible for me to grasp that violence was in my life and from the father of my son. I was terrified of him but pretended everything was o.k. in order to keep the peace. Finally there came a day when he said that one day my son and I might "wake up dead". My daughter was already at my mom's for the summer. I began seeing a counselor at the YWCA. She gently but firmly walked me out of denial and then taught me how to run away. I don't know what you will ultimately do in your case. I do know having a plan and doing preparation that will make leaving a faster and safer choice will boost your self-confidence and provide a sense of safety that matters a great deal. In my case, I did exactly what the counselor suggested in preparing to run. My husband did not notice a thing. It just looked like I was cleaning up and organizing stuff in the apartment. I was terrified he would find out. I was terrified he would kidnap our son. I felt that he could see me everywhere I went but I took the steps and when the day came to run I was able to follow the plan and run. I am not saying you should leave. I am saying that preparing for that possibility empowers you and frees up your mind and emotions. In my opinion the first priority of any person who is being threatened by another person is to protect themselves. In my case the saga continued for quite some time as my son's father found us and there was a great deal of trauma and violence. The happy ending is that neither my son or I were ultimately hurt and his father fled the state and stayed gone. I believe you will find this message board to be invaluable as you move through your own process. God bless you!

[ambivalentmom]

Good Afternoon,

     I hope everything is going well for you and you are able to get the help you need.  I just had a couple of questions and wanted to see how things were going for you now.

You said he's in NC and that's were his mom is.  Is that where where you guys are from?  Are you near your parents?  I'm thinking maybe talking to them about a plan to get away if necessary (just to have).  Having things at the neighbors' also sounds like a great idea.  The children can be out of the line of fire and the neighbors have a sense of what's going on.

        You are so strong for coming here and thinking of your children.  I was very passive in leaving and I wish I had the strength to talk through what was happening with us at the time.  This site has a lot of resources about this whether you decide to leave or stay.  Please let us know how you are doing.

[tarantula17]

I guess that is the life we live... .things happen so fast, I don't know where a breather or a break is applicable.

December 6th - the day I went to jail for aggravated domestic assault.

My husband was having an episode for a few days and it was NOT GOOD.  That morning he woke up super early and wanted intimacy, but since I was sleeping and he did not wake me - he recieved none and believed I didn't want him anymore.  That I was rejecting him. It spiralled into me waking up to his emotional high, he started raging and for the first time ever, I wouldn't give him the car keys.  The car is in his name, but we had decided while he was in logical and reasonable thinking that if he went into an emotional high again, I would keep them from him.  He has ditched the car twice, almost hit me and the kids on the sidewalk by gassing it towards us, drank and drove, smoked marijuana and drove.  He called the police on me, they came and told me to give the keys back - which I did not, citing 'marital property'.  They said he looked fine even though he was broken down bawling and upset when they got here, and they wrote in their report that the reason he was upset initially was because I denied him intimacy.  They said any guy would be mad.  But they would not listen to me when I told them I was ASLEEP.  It is like getting mad at a woman in a coma for not getting up and giving you a kiss?  I tried to explain to them his emotional high, but they wouldn't listen, they kept telling me they thought I was trying to control him and aggravating the situation.  I was made to leave the house since one of us had to go before the officers would leave.  Of course in the freezing cold morning I just went over to the playground across the street until they left and went back home because my husband would be freaking out that I abandoned him (which he was freaking out).

I got no sleep, but tried.  We tried to get ready for church, but he went in on me with some nasty words as he was still in an emotional high, and I had an anxiety attack.  Threw up and asked him to just step back to give me a breather.  He took it as I wanted to end the marriage, and flew out the door.  When it calmed down for ten minutes, he was back in his emotional state freaking out because I was too sick to go to church.  I have fibromyalgia, as I mentioned previously in this thread, and I was WORN OUT.  He even called a friend and said I was refusing to go to church, making it sound like there was no way in Hell he was dragging me there and I rejected Christianity or something - I just didn't feel well!  It could see it going South, so I sent the children to the neighbor's house.  I had backpacks made up for them and dropped them off over there, planned with my neighbor lady that the kids would go over there when my husband broke down into an emotional rage/high/low.  When I got back, he wouldn't let me pass in the hallway, so I put out my hands to push against his chest to pass by (never put my hands on him before unless it was twice to shove away something he was trying to smother my face with).  He GRABBED MY HANDS AND HELD THEM TO HIS NECK, started making a choking noise.  I was AFRAID!  I clenched my hands shut and tried to step backwards - my arm swelled up quick and he left tiny bruises where his thumbs pressed into my hands.  It was only during my arraignment that I realized scratch marks were left on his neck from my shutting my hands.  When I pulled away he yelled 'Hit me!  Hit me!'  I yelled back 'No!' and so he punched himself in the eye twice.  Since he punched himself the night before while he was on the phone with his mom (who was trying to calm him down), he had already had a bruised and swollen right eye.  This time, the force spurted blood.  Before I could fly past him trying to get outside, he wiped some on my left arm.

I had another anxiety attack outside our other neighbor's house, and the woman came to the door and asked if I was okay.  My husband's fears compelled him to follow me outside and shout at me that I was abandoning him, and then when he saw I was in front of the neighbor's, started accusing me of cheating on him with the neighbor's husband.  I called 911 - Which was an extremely stupid thing to do.  The police from earlier in the morning came and still wouldn't listen to me trying to explain what I needed help with.  At first my husband said I hurt him, and then when he realized they were hauling me off, abandonment issues kicked in and he was begging them to let me go, that I had not hurt him and he hurt himself.  They cuffed me barefoot and arrested me for aggravated domestic assault.  I have never been in trouble with the law before, and have never been in jail before, either.  I was for eleven days when I used what little money we had left to bail myself out (Mom helped by signing).  We were court-ordered to not have contact, so my husband went to North Carolina to stay with his mom so that the kids and I could stay in the house with the children.

Now seriously... .I have no money for a lawyer on January 8th when my court date facing a felony is.  I had to have a conflict judge come in because I used to go to church with the general sessions judge.  I feel like I have to defend my character and innocence, all while maintaining my husband's dignity so they see him as a person, not a disorder.  He already feels so ashamed about the whole issue, and since we have been separated in two different states, his emotional high has not had the opportunity to come down.  He tried a new medication which made him overdose on the pills trying to commit suicide, was stabilized by paramedics while at his mother's house, and has seen a psychiatrist while down there who confirmed the diagnosis of both borderline personality disorder and biopolar.  I need help, advice, something?

If I said we were drowning as a family months ago... .I feel like we're no longer drowning, but the sharks are circling for the final kill.  I could lose our housing, go to prison, lose my marriage, lose my children... .