Did I Just Find Another One

[Confused76]

It's been a long time since I've posted, I do stop in from time to time and read posts.  This tale will be about a new girl that I met, my concerns, and how I've noticed it affected me.

For a general checkup, I have been no contact with the inital uBPDexgf now for over 16 months now.  There have been hiccups from time to time, like when she adds me on random social media sites (i.e. MyFitnessPal), but other then that pretty darn quiet on her end.  She still creeps into my thoughts on occasion, but for the most part I just hope she has found some semblance of happiness and peace.


On to the new girl... .

We met via an online dating site, and she is significantly younger then me (13 years).  I was skeptical of the age at first, but as we talked, we found we had similar interests, goals, and ambitions.  The more we talked the more we both became interested.  Now, I've dated since leaving the last girl, but nothing really serious, but this one really had grabbed my interest (i.e. thought it was something different).  She told me that she had issues with social anxiety (not formally diagnosed) and that she could be really shy.  She said her anxiety could manifest with her flaking and retreating, and sometimes ignoring those she cares about ( ).

After texting for two weeks, we made it to our first date, and had a great time.  It was very casual and comfortable, and we hung out for several hours.  Afterwards she would text me how great a time she had, and that she was really excited to spend more time with me etc... .  We went on another date, and much of the same, and it got a little physical (lite groping in the back of a theater).  Again much of the same texts, and now they started to head toward a little more of a sexual nature (love bombing?).  She now invites me over to her house, implying that I would be spending the night with her.  The night arrives, and we enjoy dinner and a movie on the couch.  She was very shy with any time of kisses at first, yet very physical with her touching of other body parts.  When we finally did kiss, she very quickly lead me to her bedroom.

Now, the sex was great, she made me feel like a king.  However there were some things that set my spidey sense a tingling.  One being, she insisted on bareback due to allergy to latex and being on the pill.  I wasn't quite thinking straight in the moment, and obliged (getting tested next week).  Could we interpret this as being sexually promiscuous and unsafe?  She also said weird things like "Am I tight enough for you?".  She'd also bite her bottom lip and just kinda say "hmm" over and over during.  It was odd, like almost she had regressed in age somewhat?  Anyways, we ended spending the entire weekend together, having sex.  When looking back, it really had moved fast.  We had been talking just short of a month, been on 2 dates, and we were all over each other.

So the next few days, it's all her talking how much she is into me, and making plans for other things to do in the future.  I mean, this woman had really built me up, and that she felt a real spark .  More love bombing?  Anyways, we have plans for her to come to my house the following Friday.  Wednesday comes, and she cancels, but asks if she can come on Sunday (A cancel with a reschedule is fine in my book).  She goes out with her friends on Saturday, and ends up cancelling our Sunday date due to be hungover.  Now, I was not happy about this situation.  I just felt it showed immaturity, and disrespect, but I kept my opinion to myself.  Every one deserves a mulligan from time to time.  Told her to rest and feel better.  She never did apologize for her second cancellation.  Both Monday and Tuesday, the texts felt different.  Not as quick to respond, not prompting as much.  I called her on Tuesday night, and left her a message.  That was the last I have heard from her.

I don't know, she probably doesn't suffer from BPD, but there were some things that made me wonder.  There were other things that were also triggers/similarities from the last uBPDgf, but I tried hard not to compare.  What are the thoughts from the community?

I'd also like to say, when she didn't respond, my anxiety spiked incredibly.  That is typically not like me, and it has made me realized that the effect from the former was deeper then I thought.  It also has caused me to be a little insecure.  The good part is that I see these things, and know that there is more personal work to do.

[Lonely_Astro]

It's been a long time since I've posted, I do stop in from time to time and read posts.  This tale will be about a new girl that I met, my concerns, and how I've noticed it affected me.

For a general checkup, I have been no contact with the inital uBPDexgf now for over 16 months now.  There have been hiccups from time to time, like when she adds me on random social media sites (i.e. MyFitnessPal), but other then that pretty darn quiet on her end.  She still creeps into my thoughts on occasion, but for the most part I just hope she has found some semblance of happiness and peace.


On to the new girl... .

We met via an online dating site, and she is significantly younger then me (13 years).  I was skeptical of the age at first, but as we talked, we found we had similar interests, goals, and ambitions.  The more we talked the more we both became interested.  Now, I've dated since leaving the last girl, but nothing really serious, but this one really had grabbed my interest (i.e. thought it was something different).  She told me that she had issues with social anxiety (not formally diagnosed) and that she could be really shy.  She said her anxiety could manifest with her flaking and retreating, and sometimes ignoring those she cares about ( ).

After texting for two weeks, we made it to our first date, and had a great time.  It was very casual and comfortable, and we hung out for several hours.  Afterwards she would text me how great a time she had, and that she was really excited to spend more time with me etc... .  We went on another date, and much of the same, and it got a little physical (lite groping in the back of a theater).  Again much of the same texts, and now they started to head toward a little more of a sexual nature (love bombing?).  She now invites me over to her house, implying that I would be spending the night with her.  The night arrives, and we enjoy dinner and a movie on the couch.  She was very shy with any time of kisses at first, yet very physical with her touching of other body parts.  When we finally did kiss, she very quickly lead me to her bedroom.

Now, the sex was great, she made me feel like a king.  However there were some things that set my spidey sense a tingling.  One being, she insisted on bareback due to allergy to latex and being on the pill.  I wasn't quite thinking straight in the moment, and obliged (getting tested next week).  Could we interpret this as being sexually promiscuous and unsafe?  She also said weird things like "Am I tight enough for you?".  She'd also bite her bottom lip and just kinda say "hmm" over and over during.  It was odd, like almost she had regressed in age somewhat?  Anyways, we ended spending the entire weekend together, having sex.  When looking back, it really had moved fast.  We had been talking just short of a month, been on 2 dates, and we were all over each other.

So the next few days, it's all her talking how much she is into me, and making plans for other things to do in the future.  I mean, this woman had really built me up, and that she felt a real spark .  More love bombing?  Anyways, we have plans for her to come to my house the following Friday.  Wednesday comes, and she cancels, but asks if she can come on Sunday (A cancel with a reschedule is fine in my book).  She goes out with her friends on Saturday, and ends up cancelling our Sunday date due to be hungover.  Now, I was not happy about this situation.  I just felt it showed immaturity, and disrespect, but I kept my opinion to myself.  Every one deserves a mulligan from time to time.  Told her to rest and feel better.  She never did apologize for her second cancellation.  Both Monday and Tuesday, the texts felt different.  Not as quick to respond, not prompting as much.  I called her on Tuesday night, and left her a message.  That was the last I have heard from her.

I don't know, she probably doesn't suffer from BPD, but there were some things that made me wonder.  There were other things that were also triggers/similarities from the last uBPDgf, but I tried hard not to compare.  What are the thoughts from the community?

I'd also like to say, when she didn't respond, my anxiety spiked incredibly.  That is typically not like me, and it has made me realized that the effect from the former was deeper then I thought.  It also has caused me to be a little insecure.  The good part is that I see these things, and know that there is more personal work to do.

Man, Im not saying she has BPD, but lets be frank:  there are all kinds of  going on here!  Even if its not BPD, she engages in some dangerous behavior (non-protected sex) that is beyond risky.  Im glad you're going to be tested.  That should put your mind at rest.  Provided that all comes back fine, consider yourself lucky and leave the girl be.  It's far to dangerous of a world out there to be risking such things (btw, there are non-latex condoms... .stock some so you don't have that happen again!).

[hurting300]

The question you should be asking is why did you engage in unprotected sex? You should be very careful.

[parisian]

Hey confused, I've just come out of dating my second BPD, and I did not pay enough attention. Plus I forgot there were different 'varieties' of BPD (e.g. Queen vs Waif), and my second one was an inward rager (withdrawn and walking out) rather than screaming.

What I learnt the second time around was this: I did not take the time to deliberately observe behaviours that concerned me as they happened, instead dismissing them on account of thinking she had depression. Had I written down the actions she took and not just dismissed them, I would have realised regardless of whether she had depression or not, her actions were not okay. Had a made deliberate time to reflect every week, I might have picked things up quicker.

I would be a bit concerned based on what you've described including (as others have pointed out):

a)  moving very quickly into unprotected sex (risky behaviour)

b)  moving so fast generally and wanting to see you again so quickly

c)  can't meet a commitment with you because of a hangover

d)  can't apologize

e)  disappears off the face of the earth

f)  trying to make future plans very quickly with you

g)  the child-like regression actions

h)  not returning or responding to your call

i)   your intuition that the tone of her texts had changed

j)   your anxiety increased signficantly (after one BPD relationship, we need to really listen to what our body is telling us)

Even as you say, if she doesn't have BPD, there are a whole buncha red flags and boundary breaches going on there.

It was good of you to be able to reflect on this. What would you do differently when dating again?

[Fr4nz]

It's been a long time since I've posted, I do stop in from time to time and read posts.  This tale will be about a new girl that I met, my concerns, and how I've noticed it affected me.

[... .]

On to the new girl... .

We met via an online dating site, and she is significantly younger then me (13 years).  I was skeptical of the age at first, but as we talked, we found we had similar interests, goals, and ambitions.  The more we talked the more we both became interested.  Now, I've dated since leaving the last girl, but nothing really serious, but this one really had grabbed my interest (i.e. thought it was something different).  She told me that she had issues with social anxiety (not formally diagnosed) and that she could be really shy. She said her anxiety could manifest with her flaking and retreating, and sometimes ignoring those she cares about ( ). (push/pull, fear of engulfement?)

After texting for two weeks, we made it to our first date, and had a great time.  It was very casual and comfortable, and we hung out for several hours.  Afterwards she would text me how great a time she had, and that she was really excited to spend more time with me etc... . We went on another date, and much of the same, and it got a little physical (lite groping in the back of a theater).  Again much of the same texts, and now they started to head toward a little more of a sexual nature (love bombing?).  She now invites me over to her house, implying that I would be spending the night with her.  The night arrives, and we enjoy dinner and a movie on the couch.  She was very shy with any time of kisses at first, yet very physical with her touching of other body parts.  When we finally did kiss, she very quickly lead me to her bedroom.

Now, the sex was great, she made me feel like a king.  However there were some things that set my spidey sense a tingling.  One being, she insisted on bareback due to allergy to latex and being on the pill.  I wasn't quite thinking straight in the moment, and obliged (getting tested next week).  Could we interpret this as being sexually promiscuous and unsafe? (YES!)

She also said weird things like "Am I tight enough for you?".  (This may be an indicator that she had many men... .this is not, per se, a bad thing, but it's common among BPDs... .)

She'd also bite her bottom lip and just kinda say "hmm" over and over during.  It was odd, like almost she had regressed in age somewhat?  Anyways, we ended spending the entire weekend together, having sex.  When looking back, it really had moved fast.  We had been talking just short of a month, been on 2 dates, and we were all over each other.

So the next few days, it's all her talking how much she is into me, and making plans for other things to do in the future. (Love bombing, fusional fantasies, this is a very serious indicator)

I mean, this woman had really built me up, and that she felt a real spark .  More love bombing?  Anyways, we have plans for her to come to my house the following Friday.  Wednesday comes, and she cancels, but asks if she can come on Sunday (A cancel with a reschedule is fine in my book).  She goes out with her friends on Saturday, and ends up cancelling our Sunday date due to be hungover.  Now, I was not happy about this situation.  I just felt it showed immaturity, and disrespect, but I kept my opinion to myself.  Every one deserves a mulligan from time to time.  Told her to rest and feel better.  She never did apologize for her second cancellation.  Both Monday and Tuesday, the texts felt different.  Not as quick to respond, not prompting as much.  I called her on Tuesday night, and left her a message.  That was the last I have heard from her.

(If she's BPD, this is the n-th proof about how much BPDs emotions are, often, extremely intense but very shallow as well.)

Hey Confused,

I've highlighted the parts which IMHO really represent serious indicators that something could be wrong with her... .you don't know her so well and you don't know her past in detail (indeed, the past is usually a GREAT tool for forecasting future patterns/behaviours), so it could be that she's just a very flamboyant - yet emotionally sane - girl.

BUT, your previous BPD experience teached yourself that these relationships are doomed and emotionally draining; moreover, that experience allowed you to build, over the time, an inner "radar" very effective in detecting Cluster B's; so, use it and trust your gut feelings!

I don't know, she probably doesn't suffer from BPD, but there were some things that made me wonder.  There were other things that were also triggers/similarities from the last uBPDgf, but I tried hard not to compare.  What are the thoughts from the community?

I'd also like to say, when she didn't respond, my anxiety spiked incredibly.  That is typically not like me, and it has made me realized that the effect from the former was deeper then I thought.  It also has caused me to be a little insecure.  The good part is that I see these things, and know that there is more personal work to do.

You seem quite attracted to BPD gals, isn't it? :D

I have the same attraction... .so, perhaps you may want to consider to investigate if you have BPD/NPD traits (pay attention, I'm not speaking about having a disorder, I'm speaking about having a personality style with those traits).

[Clearmind]

Honouring our own limits and boundaries whether that be - having protected sex, taking things slowly or whatever they maybe - and voicing those limits/boundaries to our dates and really seeing how the other person takes those limits says more about them than wondering about red flags.

We can send ourselves into a spiral downwards if we continue to second guess another persons actions/illness/mental state - what really matters is knowing who we are, what we stand for, what we are willing to accept or not and most importantly knowing our limits and boundaries and being ok to express them.

From my personal experience in dating a Borderline I had little clue about my limits and boundaries which is why I attracted a Borderline to start with.

So it's awesome you are second guessing your date and maybe consider which of your limits and boundaries you've crossed and why you didn't feel the need to voice them.

Going back some steps. If unprotected sex was a no no how would have voiced this boundary and what would you expect as a reply?

You ask is this being promiscuous and unsafe? - my friend you obliged! She could be saying the same about you!