Just need to share

[bpdmom1]

So I got the book "I don't have to make everything better".   I've read the first couple of chapters and mentioned to my hubby that it isn't a hard read.  He had told our BPDd17 therapist that we got the book so I thought hubby was on board.  Then he mentioned that he might not read it as books put him to sleep.  Now I'm feeling invalidated that he doesn't care just how important I think learning these skills are.  I ended up just putting the book down defeated. 

Then a little later I noticed that my non-BPD d18 was using her BPD sisters charger who has been in RTC for a number of months.  I mentioned that i didn't have issue with her using it, but to return it when she is done before BPD d17 returns home.   I then got this look, and I asked do you think you shouldn't return it? She stated no and then tried to avoid talking and wanted to head to her room.  I felt irritated and I kept pushing for a conservation to get down to what she was feeling and was told she didn't want to talk about BPDd17 coming home if she ever comes home. 

Just venting here, but feeling bad that I didn't handle the situation better as I shouldn't have realized her comment wasn't about the charger, it was about a lot of feelings when BPDd17 was home.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Turkish]

For hubby, "how about an audio book?"

It's understandable that D18 may feel resentful of the attention being paid her sister. We're parents, but still human. We make errors. You're dealing with a tough situation. That, and D18 is also responsible for her feelings. I'd chalk it up to a misstep. D18, though legally and adult, still has a child mind in many respects. That being said, do you try the validation tools on her as well?

[bpdmom1]

Not sure where to get an audio book.  But that might be a good idea for both of us so we can read or listen to it together.

I did't really know what to say to my non-BPD d18 after all this, but I gave her a big hug before she went to bed and just told her that I was sorry for being so irritated.  She has been very much affected by her BPD d17 sister in so many ways.  We've had so many conservations about it and she is in therapy herself.  Her BPD d17 sis has a huge issue with her and is currently hanging on to some distorted truths about being abused by her.  Just the last phone call BPD d17 accused her of taking makeup.  She was a lot more concerned how I was going to handle non-BPD d18 than she was concerned about her makeup being missing.   So, when I saw non-BPD d18 with the charger I felt like that was something else her BPD d17 sis could be upset about.

I'm planning to use the validation skills I learn with her as well.  I've been able to talk with her about difficult feeling a lot easier than BPD d17. 

[AVR1962]

My husband is not a reader of self help material either and I too find it frustrating, there is so much to learn. I have found my husband just doesn't want to deal with "issues" and he doesn't. I have been the one to raise our 5 children (blended family), he has been the provider. Other than that he sisters on the computer or plays games on his phone for hours. Sometimes I will read him things out of books and none of it really seems to impress him. Relationships and communication are simply not nearly as important to husband as they are to me. I have learned to deal with issues myself, or with a counselor or friend, and I have learned to let alot go... .it's just not worth my time and effort.

I have two other daughters besides my BPD daughter 34. The youngest, 18, is much like your 17 year old. She doesn't want to deal with he sister, doesn't care to play her games, basically has nothing to do with her.  have no doubt my 34 year old blames me for this but I don' get between them and do not advise my 18 year old how she should treat her sister or question her feelings about her. Sometimes I wish I was as strong as my 18 year old and could cut people out of my life like she has done with her sister... .there's years of history here and I do not blame my 18 year old for not wanting to be a part of her sister's life. BPD daughter creates trouble and is quite the gossip.