introduction

[swim2]

Hello. I am the parent of a 29 year old daughter with borderline personality disorder. It has been nearly a full decade in reaching this confirmed diagnosis after several misdiagnoses and inappropriate treatment regimens. Most importantly, I now have finally come to accept, through reading (in particular, Valerie Porr's "Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder" that this is real and that my adult child is in constant emotional pain and living with a disability. I previously thought she was simply "lazy," "unmotivated," and "manipulative," and she would overcome her weaknesses, mature, and find a job, fulfilling relationships, and an independent future of her own. I now realize she has a true disorder which is disabling and she may never achieve any of these things. She is intellectually bright with a college degree, but has been out of work for 15 months, had a poor job record prior to that, is currently resolving issues with the law, and has no lasting friendships or relationships. She has had poor compliance with maintaining a relationship with a therapist. It is very sad as a parent. I feel helpless, frustrated, and worried about her future. It is difficult as a parent to balance an understanding of her problems with my desire for her to "get better" and become self-sufficient. I now realize that she will very unlikely "make it" in the world, yet cannot accept that she will be dependent upon us as her parents. It is often difficult for us to cope. It is easy to lose patience, and fall short of having compassion and empathy. I also have an extended family which has no idea that these issues exist. I find myself making excuses as to why she still has not found a job. The family culture that I was brought up in views mental illness as a weakness, not real, and something that one should just "get over," therefore, I do not and cannot reveal or discuss my daughter's actual problems outside the privacy of my home. I am very pleased to have found this support site and look forward to dialogue with others who share these common concerns. I hope to become more compassionate while balancing advocacy for independence and not enabling dependence.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Thursday]

Hi swim2 and welcome

Glad you found us here and glad you've introduced yourself and told us a bit about you and your daughter and your family situation. I'm glad to hear you have a diagnoses... .I think a formal diagnoses can help alleviate a lot of confusion and guilt and the feeling of helplessness we have all experienced.

I'm sure if you have spent any time here you've noticed the right hand side of the screen titled TOOLS- all of these tools are invaluable and when we adopt them they can help us begin to find a way to cope with our pwBPD (person with BPD). Below the TOOLS are the lessons which give us ideas on how to proceed once we learn about the tools.

I'm guessing that your DD lives with you in your home? I'm also guessing that you are not comfortable with this as you may have previously believed that by 29 she would be living on her own?

All things are possible swim... .you just need a place to begin. Sometimes the beginning is to to open a new door of communication with our BPD kids, even the adult ones. And if the new door can't be found, sometimes just identifying our values and setting boundaries and limits on what you will and won't do (assisting vs enabling) can be of tremendous value.

Becoming self-aware (finding out what we are doing is either keeping our kid stuck or possibly even adding negatively to the situation) and becoming of wise-mind (where we learn to approach our interactions with full awareness of our own behavior- both negative and positive) is such an important step.

My pwBPD is my 24 year old step-daughter. We went through some very tough times together and these days things are actually good. She is employed. She no longer lives with her father and me (which is VERY GOOD) and she is sober after a several years long addiction to drugs and alcohol (VERY, VERY GOOD) and I'm happy to report... .she is now at the beginning stages of becoming more self-aware and working on resolving some of her issues- anxiety and OCD are two highlights of these changes. She is finally learning to self-sooth and learning to challenge herself about her compulsions. I'm not saying she is "all better" and maybe she will never be but the changes she has brought about for herself and allowing her greater happiness. From a child who blamed everyone else for everything that went wrong in her life to a woman who can slow herself down and wonder if she is using coping skills to help herself is quite an amazing thing to witness... .she can't do this every time but we are hearing more and more that she "gets it".

And the starting gate for all of this positivity was in using those tools to figure out a better way to communicate with her. And in figuring out our values and our boundaries. And in sticking to the boundaries FIRMLY.

I hope you will come back and read more and share more. There are so many folks here who will have great understanding for you and your difficulties... .some can even give concrete examples of what worked and why... .also many who can share what DIDN"T WORK (and why)... .whichever approach works for you!

Hang in there! Hope to hear from you again!

thursday

[AVR1962]

It is heart breaking and confusing to deal with loved ones with BPD. You have found a very good place for support. Is your daughter in therapy? Has there been a diagnosis, and does she accept it?

My daughter is 34, diagnosed when she was 18. She, like your daughter, has a degree and is very bright intellectually but she too cannot hold a job. Since 15/16 when she took her first job I don't think she has worked more than 6 months at any given place. She has been married twice and unfortunately it seems the men in her life have been more a financial support than love so love relationships have been difficult. My daughter does not really cultivate relationships, people seem to be more what she can gain from them or relationship where she can shine as #1.

How does your daughter do with her father?

[swim2]

Thank you, thursday and AVR1962 for your supportive responses and helpful insights; also the suggestion to use the tools, which I will begin to do. Yes, my daughter does live at home with my husband and I; she would otherwise be homeless as she has been unemployed and has no financial resources. She has just begun therapy with a new person and thus far she feels comfortable with her. She will be seeing her weekly. Her father, my husband, has difficulty dealing with her emotional rollercoaster, lack of follow through on job interviews, etc, and like I, often feels angry and confused. He also is less inclined to gain solid information about the disorder, but I do share with him all that I learn as I go along. The big challenge for him is that as we age and plan a future together in retirement, the worry hangs heavily on what she will do... .can we ever have an independent life together and hope the same for her. As it is, we do not take overnight vacations because of our concerns leaving her home alone: the impulsivity and tendency to engage in risky behaviors or alternately feel vulnerable or abandoned. I look forward to discussions and engaging in the tools. 

[lbjnltx]

Hi swim2,

Glad you are here.

It really helped my daughter remember/use the skills she learned in therapy if I used them too and drew her attention to a skill that could help her cope.  Do you know what kind of therapy your daughter is participating in?  If so, studying up on the coping skills can give you the knowledge you need.

Ironically enough, using these skills helps us too.

It's a win win and these are hard to come by in our families.

[swim2]

Thank you for your response and helpful advice, lbjnltx. My daughter has just begun sessions with a therapist who does DBT. She has kept 2 of the 3 appointments thus far, and feels comfortable with her, so I am hopeful that she will stay with it.

[lbjnltx]

Here are a few basics skills that your daughter will be learning in DBT:

Wisemind

Mindfulness

Making statements in the moment of dysregulation like: I'm feeling overwhelmed right now and need to take some time to get into my wisemind. We can come back together and discuss this again later.

are helpful for diffusing situations by taking a time out, using the skills ourselves and at the same time sending the message to our children/adult children that they have knowledge of the same skill to use themselves.  This is a circular event that is powerful and healthy.

lbj