Taking a long time to find a replacement

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I am very curious as to why my ex has not found a replacement... .there have been many attempts but no cigar.

We broke up around the middle of July. My hand was forced to let her move back into our home in early September. We plan on moving out by December... .but oddly enough she is pushing me to let her move back out of state with me "to be roommates and friends" (not gonna happen)

We have been broken up for a while now and she has been DESPERATELY searching for a replacement on plenty of fish.  She will hang out with the replacement attempts a couple of times and then find something wrong with them and ghost them. She is always comparing them to me and how they do not behave like me... .when we first started dating, I treated her with respect. I got to know her and showed an interest in her as a person rather than an object. We went to movies, dinner, festivals, after a few weeks I brought her around my friends and family. I did not sleep with her until over a month and half into the relationship. I guess I was a different kind of animal compared to what she normally encounters. 4 years is a long relationship for  her - her longest - and the BPD really didn't start to surface until we were 2.5 to 3 years in. Seems like alcohol agitates her symptoms and she has a problem with it. A lot of these guys, I guess, are just taking her for drinks or inviting her over and treating her like a piece of meat, according to her at least.

She is very intent upon sticking close to me, as a friend of course, but if I go out on casual dates for coffee or whatnot, she gets very upset and cries. It is very contradictory behavior because she is quick to point out that she no longer has feelings for me and does not find me attractive anymore.

I guess what I am getting at is this: is it normal for this to happen... .to take over 3 months to not find a replacement? Seems odd to me. I am not quite understanding this whatsoever. It makes me think that if I actually did find someone and move one, she would freak out.

Thoughts? similar experiences? any feedback? insight?

[CharWood]

I am very curious as to why my ex has not found a replacement... .there have been many attempts but no cigar.

We broke up around the middle of July. My hand was forced to let her move back into our home in early September. We plan on moving out by December... .but oddly enough she is pushing me to let her move back out of state with me "to be roommates and friends" (not gonna happen)

We have been broken up for a while now and she has been DESPERATELY searching for a replacement on plenty of fish.  She will hang out with the replacement attempts a couple of times and then find something wrong with them and ghost them. She is always comparing them to me and how they do not behave like me... .when we first started dating, I treated her with respect. I got to know her and showed an interest in her as a person rather than an object. We went to movies, dinner, festivals, after a few weeks I brought her around my friends and family. I did not sleep with her until over a month and half into the relationship. I guess I was a different kind of animal compared to what she normally encounters. 4 years is a long relationship for  her - her longest - and the BPD really didn't start to surface until we were 2.5 to 3 years in. Seems like alcohol agitates her symptoms and she has a problem with it. A lot of these guys, I guess, are just taking her for drinks or inviting her over and treating her like a piece of meat, according to her at least.

She is very intent upon sticking close to me, as a friend of course, but if I go out on casual dates for coffee or whatnot, she gets very upset and cries. It is very contradictory behavior because she is quick to point out that she no longer has feelings for me and does not find me attractive anymore.

I guess what I am getting at is this: is it normal for this to happen... .to take over 3 months to not find a replacement? Seems odd to me. I am not quite understanding this whatsoever. It makes me think that if I actually did find someone and move one, she would freak out.

Thoughts? similar experiences? any feedback? insight?

[OutOfEgypt]

Why find a replacement when she still has you?  She can lament over her stories of loser guys who just want to get down her pants to you, and you will be there for her.  As long as she has you wrapped around her finger, and she can tentatively play it safe like that, she has no desperate need to replace you.

And of course she would freak out if you moved on, but you haven't.  So her abandonment fears aren't being triggered.  She gets to have her cake and eat it, too... .typical BPD.

That's of course not to minimize the fact that online dating sites really *are* full of guys who will hit them up just to get down their pants.  I've talked to a number of women, and they say pretty much from the instant they post pictures they get flooded with messages, many of them pretty inappropriate.  For a woman, it is difficult to find good men on those sites.

But with BPD, it's like swinging on monkey bars.  She's still hung on you, and you're letting her.  But once you start to like it too much, she'll swing to the next bar.  Sorry, but it is not advisable to allow her to stay close to you.  No offense, but it baffles me that people who don't share children with them allow BPD's to stick around, even continuing to feel badly for them, while people who spent years being tortured by them in marriage would do *anything* to get away from them but can't because they share children.

The question you are writing even reveals how enmeshed with her you still are.  If you were truly in the process of moving on, you would be letting go of the "whys" of her behavior.  Not to be cruel, but who cares why she hasn't replaced you?  You can ponder their behaviors forever, and it only serves to delay the fact that disconnection is the only real way to move on from them.  Especially when it comes to leaving a person with BPD, ruminating about their behaviors is part of *our* sickness and refusal to let go of them.

When we've had a relationship with someone who has BPD, it is very easy to focus entirely on them.  Their entire emotional dynamic screams, "Look over here!  Focus on me!"  We are so used to focusing on their feelings, their drama, putting our their fires, analyzing their behaviors, talking about them to others, ruminating about them.  But we overlook our own part of the problem.  We have something like an addiction to a person who demands to consume us.  Until we can look at that in ourselves, we'll be peddling and ruminating and telling others about their latest drama FOREVER.

[CharWood]

She wont have me for long. Only reason she is in the house is because both of our names are on it and I was forced to let her back in the house due to the fact that we both have established residency at the home. I sleep in the master, in the bedroom we once shared together, and she sleeps on a futon in the guest room. I only have until the end of November until I get out and move back out of state. It is just an unpleasant situation at the moment.

I went out on a few dates with someone and was getting to know her, and I came home to find my ex downed a whole bottle of pre-made mai tai and was absolutely wasted waiting up on the couch for me... .so I guess that is a sample of her freaking out... .though again, it has nothing to do with me.

This whole thing is odd to me. Her behavior to me is just out there. At least she has not been trying to recycle me, which is good. But, still I do not know what to expect from her in December when I move out and part ways with her.

[CharWood]

When I leave the house, I will also be blocking her number and on every social media (facebook, etc.) I am beginning to detach from her. But it is difficult to still have to share a home with her. For sure. I am looking forward to the end of next month!

[OutOfEgypt]

Dude, I would say, "I can't imagine."  But I actually can!  I feel for you.  I understand *having* to stay because of residency situations, too.  It took me four months to get my ex-wife out of my house when we tried "one more time" after the divorce and things fell apart.  I found out she was cheating on me again and told her to get out.  She dragged it out for four months.  I had to bribe her, even serve her an eviction notice!  Ugh.  So sorry that you are in that situation.  Not fun.  Please don't take what I said as judgment, especially since there's obviously a lot about your situation that I don't know.  Please take it as just encouragement, from one guy to another, to keep moving forward in the direction you are heading.  What can you expect when you finally do part ways?  Probably lots of trying to drag it out.  Be prepared to have your heart-strings pulled... .a lot... .and for obstacles to be thrown in the path of having things sort out neatly.

[zundertowz]

My ex was single 3 or 4 months before me and a few months after me, during these times she would hang out in bars, sleep with guys then ghost them when she found another.  I guess she was selective in who she would get in a relationship with but not sleep with.  Eventually she will find someone she wants to latch onto and she may ghost you also at that point.  Just my personal experience their all different.

[CharWood]

yeah man, it is tough and it seems like you understand me very well.

I do not take it as judgment. I need to hear things like that so I do not waste any time feeling sorry for her or clinging to hope for her to change. I see something deep down inside of her, a piece of the person she is if you will, that is good. I just think, unfortunately, she is so sick with BPD that she is killing that good part of her. She absolutely refuses to work on anything other than her drinking. She acknowledges her problem with that. But, as far as BPD goes, she is on the fence. One minute she says "I do have it. I need help." the next "there is nothing wrong with me. I am normal. you are the crazy one." BPD is just incredibly complicated and difficult at times to wrap my mind around. obviously, I am not dealing with a rational woman, so I kind of have to remember that each time we speak.

It is just nonsensical to me that she would drag it out when she seems so desperate to find the better man than me out there. you know?

I am very sorry about your situation. Seems like she put you through hell. It is just insane to me that a person would take for granted and throw away the very people in their lives who love them and are good for them... .its almost like my ex gravitates towards bottom-feeders and clowns... .but then realizes they are not me and backs out. She seems to be more attracted to chaos. I do not know how yours was but mine certainly is.

The more worse her behavior gets really, the more I am done. Its like a fire that burns her clean from me pretty much. This whole thing has been incredibly painful but I am happy to finally see a light at the end of the tunnel. I am glad you broke away from your BPDX finally.

[CharWood]

thirdeye: my ex really never had any long lasting relationships other than me. They all lasted a few weeks.  So it is really difficult to say whether anything will stick with her. If past behavior predicts future, I would say the answer is no... .she has recycled (well, I guess I LET her unfortunately) with me once before, though she never physically met anyone, just texted during the time we broke up (1 month, having issues 3 months)... .I think if she met someone stable like me whom she found physically attractive (my ex is pretty shallow), then she would latch onto them... .possibly. But my buddy and I actually found and read her dating profile and laughed so hard because she literally is trying to find someone exactly like me... .listing off all of my personality traits and interests/hobbies... .its looney.

[zundertowz]

Sounds like she is very selective in who she wants to latch onto and is using you as a crutch until then.  If I were you I would hope she finds someone new by the time both of you move, she sounds like she may be a hard one to get away from.  Sounds a little bit like my situation, unfortunately I had to shatter her image of me as the nice guy in order for her to leave me alone and guarantee no more recycle attempts,  That and moving 2000 miles away

[CharWood]

Geezzzzz... .

the scary thing is that I do not know if there is going to be a "then"... .she has only had one other long term relationship aside from me and she is pushing 30. That relationship was only 2 years though and was when she was 20 and 21.  That dude was opposite of me a total beta male pushover and she basically cheated on him the entire time. I put up with a lot from her but I stand my ground and assert myself when she has crossed the line. I do not think anyone else has ever done that with her tbh. My ex never really cheated on me... aside from texting others for a short period of time. By all accounts from her friends and family, I am unique as far as her relationship history goes... .they are all shocked that it lasted so long with her being fairly faithful... .

I have hoped she would find a replacement, yes. But, like I said, no one ever works out for her. I think she may be a hard one to get away from... .but, like I said, it is completely puzzling to me that she seems so desperate to find someone else but is so intent upon clinging to me in some way

Saturday I straight up told her "some day I will have a wife and children and move on. you will no longer be a part of my life in any way. there will be no friendship." she got upset and told me how messed up I am and why cant we be best friends? I just started laughing at her and said its ridiculous.

[Flameheart]

Saturday I straight up told her "some day I will have a wife and children and move on. you will no longer be a part of my life in any way. there will be no friendship." she got upset and told me how messed up I am and why cant we be best friends? I just started laughing at her and said its ridiculous.

While I understand that she probably did a lot of things to hurt you with her behavior and that you're both still living together for the time being, it's better to minimize statements such as that while you're living together. You don't want to make things more unnecessarily awkward than they already are. At this point you've proven your point that you will be moving on, and there isn't much need to bring up old wounds between the both of you. You want to detach from her and go NC in peace. It's less about *proving to her* that you'll be moving on, and more about *proving to yourself* that you'll be moving on.

[CharWood]

I know. It does provoke her. Sometimes I am not perfect. She has hurt me VERY MUCH. And when she makes comments about being in my life someday, I sometimes cannot sit there and bite my tongue. You are right though.

[zundertowz]

I know. It does provoke her. Sometimes I am not perfect. She has hurt me VERY MUCH. And when she makes comments about being in my life someday, I sometimes cannot sit there and bite my tongue. You are right though.

It's tough when your living under the same roof... I lived with my ex for 3 years and who ever can accomplish detaching in peace deserves a gold medal.  I look back on some of my behavior and I wish I handled things differently but we are human beings not robots.

[CharWood]

We are human beings and not robots... .yes, I agree. I sometimes feel like my ex is a robot... .she can be so cold. Icy cold. it is like she is emotionally devoid. Other times, I can see her struggling back tears. It is like she is doing everything she can to pull them back into her eyeballs. She is... stubborn I guess? Or, I am not really sure. But, seems like she can treat me like a stranger and do hurtful destructive things without batting an eyelash. She ruined her life. I do not understand why she cannot see that. But I guess this is all a part of the BPD machine.

There is likely not going to be a peaceful detachment. My ex does nothing in peace and I can really do all I can do. Of course, I wish I handle some things differently. But it is extremely painful to love someone who cannot love you back in the same way... who easily betrays and discards you after so many years. It is... .wow. hurtful. but, the hurt is diminishing. I guess it comes and goes.

I just feel incredibly put down sometimes. If she is looking for someone just like me, then I guess sometimes I wonder why I am not good enough for her. I get a lot of attention, which is whatever. But still, my self esteem has been pretty damaged. The woman I loved is no longer attracted to me for no good reason... .while other women are very attracted to me. logically, you would think that I would be all about that attention... .but I guess I am left feeling so damaged it will take time to heal. Being with a BPD longterm is definitely a mindbang.

[Flameheart]

We are human beings and not robots... .yes, I agree. I sometimes feel like my ex is a robot... .she can be so cold. Icy cold. it is like she is emotionally devoid. Other times, I can see her struggling back tears. It is like she is doing everything she can to pull them back into her eyeballs. She is... stubborn I guess? Or, I am not really sure. But, seems like she can treat me like a stranger and do hurtful destructive things without batting an eyelash. She ruined her life. I do not understand why she cannot see that. But I guess this is all a part of the BPD machine.

There is likely not going to be a peaceful detachment. My ex does nothing in peace and I can really do all I can do. Of course, I wish I handle some things differently. But it is extremely painful to love someone who cannot love you back in the same way... who easily betrays and discards you after so many years. It is... .wow. hurtful. but, the hurt is diminishing. I guess it comes and goes.

I just feel incredibly put down sometimes. If she is looking for someone just like me, then I guess sometimes I wonder why I am not good enough for her. I get a lot of attention, which is whatever. But still, my self esteem has been pretty damaged. The woman I loved is no longer attracted to me for no good reason... .while other women are very attracted to me. logically, you would think that I would be all about that attention... .but I guess I am left feeling so damaged it will take time to heal. Being with a BPD longterm is definitely a mindbang.

Yeah, I'm 100% with you on those sentiments. Her being cold/icy cold was how my BPDex treated me at times. I felt a lot of her emotions, but it was always so different each time, and I felt like it was a battle of control between the two of us. It's tough stuff all around, and it's a life lesson for all of us in that sometimes, things don't always go the way we expect them to. Sometimes we have to leave unhealthy relationships in order to save ourselves from feeling lost or hurt by our loved ones' actions.

[CharWood]

Yep. 100%. We have to leave our BPDs in order to save ourselves. My godmother put it this way to me: She is trying to destroy herself and, if you stick around, she will take you down with her. I realize that deep down this is a deeply broken, damaged, self-loathing person I am dealing with, despite whether or not her behaviors come of as egotistical.  She hates herself. She cannot accept love from anyone until she loves herself and cares enough about herself to help fix her issues.

I kind of wish I ran for the hills in the beginning. But, I was a little blindsided and weakened by the passing of my father, which happened a few months before we started dating. It was very difficult for me considering my mom passed away when I was a small child and I was only 25 when my dad died. I think it was easier for her to latch on to me when I was in a weakened state like that.

The whole thing is just sad. A relationship that should have never happened. But, what is done is done... .and it did.

[JRT]

My ex disappeared well over a year ago and cut me completely off... .I never spoke with her again. I have it on good authority that to date, she has not yet found a replacement and probably will not anytime soon. Mine will not sleep around and she has pretty decently high standards (if I say so myself), she will not go out with just anybody - its a spectrum disorder; they all do different things. Its also important to keep in mind that they fear intimate relationships.

[shatra]

Char wrote----

my ex gravitates towards bottom-feeders and clowns... .but then realizes they are not me and backs out. She seems to be more attracted to chaos. I do not know how yours was but mine certainly is.


------Maybe she feels the bottom ones won't be likely to leave her---whereas a higher-end person might.  SHe is "attracted to chaos"===do u mean in people? Maybe she identifies with the chaos in the other person beccause it reminds her of her own chaos

    But then, with 2 chaotic people it's likely to blow up and end!

[CharWood]

JRT - I agree that my ex fears intimate relationships. Its the engulfment part of BPD. I am starting to understand BPD more and more I think. I know my ex is a young teenager in a 28 year old woman's body... .thus why her emotions are so shallow. It is almost like, if someone with BPD attaches to you in their own way, moreso than with anyone else, they parentify you in a way. I have talked to some others who have actually been in long-term relationships with BPD sufferers and they have shared the same experience of this with me. Unfortunately, my ex's mom is BPD and sleeps around and is absolutely frenetic when it comes to being alone - she has to have someone at all times and usually dates one while having 3 other backup options... my ex had a crazy childhood. So, I think this has something to do with her manifestation of BPD symptoms. She is like her mother, but not nearly as loose or messed up -- she can catch herself after she messes up, whereas her mother cannot.

Shatra: I think  you have something there. She told a mutual friend once before 2 years into the relationship that she doesn't think she can live in my world, that she thinks she will never be good enough for me- I am very stable and come from a good family wheareas her background is quite different. It is hard for me to wrap my mind around this, but perhaps she did think I will leave her - which I ultimately did after she pushed me away with her behavior and dishonesty. She actually chose to move out rather than get therapy - so perhaps it was mutual. But, I did pull out my suitcase and try to leave for the evening when she was drinking about 2 weeks before she left. I have never done this before and she flipped out and yelled "how could you leave me like that! don't ever do that to me again!" so, I think it could have been a trigger. Interesting. Even now, when she talks about us being "friends" and "roommates" and "best friends" in the future and I try to set a boundary and tell her it wont happen, that the idea of us remaining friends after her betrayal and abuse of me is ludicrous, she freaks out and says I am a jerk and I am mean not to want her in my life. So, it is possible she thinks the way you suggested.

As far as the chaos goes... .She seems to be attracted to chaos in people, yes. Because people she has dated in the past are total losers or alcoholics or both and the people she has tried to replace me with and texted behind my back a few times when we were together were lowlifes (like google them and find a mugshot or mugshots kinda low lifes). I think she does identify with chaos because that is the kind of life her BPD mom gave her growing up and she does not know any different. I offered stability. So perhaps that is why she stuck with me so long and stayed so loyal to me throughout our relationship until the very end when she completely betrayed me. I am not sure, but I do know I am the opposite of chaos... and after we broke up she went full speed ahead into chaos (low paying job, in debt again after I helped her work through her debt and pay it off herself over the years, drinking alcohol every day, promiscuous and obsessed with find someone on plenty of fish, having drunken rages and destroying things, etc.) She went a long time with me where she was very put together and stable herself.

It is just hard to figure out.

[JRT]

, if someone with BPD attaches to you in their own way, moreso than with anyone else, they parentify you in a way. [/quote]
Yeah... .I never really thought about this before with my ex, but I can see her thinking of me in some ways as an authority figure or someone that she must, ultimately, rebel against, reject their authority and resent. Even though it is not the environment in which we existed. At the same time, she had serious resentment against her father and refused, for whatever reason, to speak to him directly about her frustrations with him; if at all, muttering them under her breath.

[CharWood]

JRT:

I think the BPD will parentify a long term partner (I know this isn't a real word but it is BPD slang) because that partner is often more stable than their own parent and the BPD finds that to be comforting and attractive in a partner, though they are more drawn to chaos. This, I suppose, is why the BPD tries to maintain the relationship for a long period of time. In my case, my BPD ex went a couple of years having relatively good, coherent, and stable behavior.  She really did everything she could to hold it together, I think. After 4 years though, when we broke up for the second time, she went off the deep end like I have never ever seen her do before. We were broken up for a month once but we have been broken up for going on 3 now. She hasn't really tried to overtly recycle or charm me back into a relationship this time around - I feel I have been painted moreso to black this go around. Furthermore, her mother does not like me so that factors in as well.  Her mother likely does not like me because of a control issue on her end- I have been more of a stable figure in her daughter's life than she could ever be.

BPD is really interesting. We are dealing with a manchild or womanchild when we have a BPD sufferer in our life.

My ex behaves just like her mother when she dysregulates and goes off into BPD land; however, she resents her BPD mom for what she has put her through growing up and how her mother behaves, especially with her unstable relationships and never being faithful to any one person. My ex goes off and behaves like her mom now but after a few days of hanging out with a replacement attempt, ghosts them and almost catches herself... .yet continues to look and rinse and repeat. It is weird.

I really think she does not want to lose me because I am the only stable thing in her life; however, she simultaneously resents me for holding her accountable and has thus painted me to black this time good. Similar to her mom, she resents BPD mom for her nutty bad behavior, however almost emulates her to a degree and wants to please her mom.  She, like your ex, has never really been able to stand up to her mother as well. She does but then takes it back the next day.

I studied psychology in college and in my grad program; so, my ex is almost fascinating to me in a way to observe, even though she is a hurricane wreaking havoc on my life and hurting me more deeply than anyone has ever done. If I could detach myself somehow or numb myself to all of this, she would be a really good study for me in BPD.

[JRT]

I really appreciate your remarks regarding your ex... .she has many similarities to mine and I can easily see that the conclusions that you draw have a parallel with my situation. Mine, however, has been gone for well over a year. Although I had observed that she painted family members and (especially) friends black and split them then painted them white at some point, I suspect that I am permanently black with a combination of 'I REALLY screwed that up' to the extent that I will, never hear from her again. This from a person that had nothing but love and support... .there were no arguments and we were highly compatible. Its a terrible disorder but like you, I find it interesting in a way. I'm really sorry that you have to endure this... .

[once removed]

JRT:

I think the BPD will parentify a long term partner (I know this isn't a real word but it is BPD slang) because that partner is often more stable than their own parent and the BPD finds that to be comforting and attractive in a partner, though they are more drawn to chaos. This, I suppose, is why the BPD tries to maintain the relationship for a long period of time.

I really think she does not want to lose me because I am the only stable thing in her life; however, she simultaneously resents me for holding her accountable and has thus painted me to black this time good.

you are partly correct. a pwBPD does seek a parental figure in an attachment; due to the failure to securely attach to the original parental figure(s). likely, the partner is actually very familiar to the pwBPD compared to the parent on levels the partner cant really see. you enjoy psychology: you may know we all have a "punitive parent" in our psyche, part of our ego. this plays like a loop for the pwBPD. it is the source of much shame. obviously, we take on the parental role, at least mostly unwittingly. in the beginning, we represent freedom, the solution to all problems, fulfillment, and the secure attachment they never achieved. inevitably, as a parental figure, we represent the punitive parent. holding her accountable, as you put it, achieves this self fulfilling prophecy.

PERSPECTIVES: From idealization to devaluation - why we struggle

[valet]

To give you some perspective, it has been almost 9 months since my pwBPD left, and she hasn't found a replacement according to the general consensus idea of the word here.

I used to obsess over this, but it faded away with time. Maybe this is due to the boundaries that I have set, but inevitably it will be up to your ex to make the best decision for herself. If she sees finding someone new as that answer, which is often the case, it is only a matter of time.

Either way, what about you? How do you think that you fit into this puzzle?

[shatra]

JRT wrote--

I never really thought about this before with my ex, but I can see her thinking of me in some ways as an authority figure or someone that she must, ultimately, rebel against, reject their authority and resent.

----True, they react to us as if we are the critical parent who "rejected them"''''  I also find they have introjected the critical parent, so they act toward us as the parent acted towards them

    SO they either treat us as if we are the rejecter, or they reject us as the (introjected) rejecter rejected them

[CharWood]

JRT:

This struck me: "This from a person that had nothing but love and support... .there were no arguments and we were highly compatible." the first year and a half my ex and I were together - we  never argued. not at all. we could usually talk through things very well together and fix them. However, she also did not drink alcohol and there was also not really much interference from her BPD mom at this time. After a couple of years, she began to drink and create arguments... .we had a rough couple of months at one point 2.5 years in and then she began to stabilize again and things were good after we broke up for a month and got back together. Back in May, she began again with the drinking and arguing again and then the mess happened. I was badly hurt and betrayed by someone who I gave nothing but love, support, and patience to... .someone I treated as my family. I am sorry you have to endure this as well. It is heart breaking and incredibly difficult. You may hear from her again. I wouldn't discount it. Just be cautious. If she has a replacement that does not work out, she could very well idealize you and paint you to white all over again and seek you out. It could be a picture or object to trigger a positive memory from the past and then all of a sudden you are the good guy again. My ex has not completely painted me to black - though she tries VERY hard to.  She is very mean and nasty to me at times for no good reason. But, I notice, no matter how many replacement attempts she tries, and there have been many over the past almost 3 months, when she sees it upsets me and I get more distant from her... .she immediately ghosts them. I am from black to white, black to white... .but more black because she will not try to get back into the relationship, something is preventing her - her inability to seek therapy. I think she is deeply confused.


once removed: yes this makes perfect sense. She paints me to black because I hold her accountable and trigger the shame within her. She believes she hates me because she honestly hates herself but is not willing to correct the behavior and own up to it, seek therapy, because it is too painful for her, a fragile person with no self esteem, to take ownership of her illness and issues.

Valet: mine actually left as well... .but only stayed out of the house for about 6 weeks before forcing her way back in. I do not believe she will leave unless I force it to happen in a big way. She has written down places for rent and costs and threatened to leave (which doesn't bother me ), she has threatened to move back out of state in with her mother (which doesn't bother me either), and she has been out with and spoken with a number of replacement attempts since we broke up in mid july. It is very difficult to determine whether or not she is actually sincere about finding one. she openly flings it in my face when she first starts speaking to one, and then, when she finally gets a reaction out of me and sees it hurts and upsets me and I do things like tear up and throw away old pictures and reiterate to her that I need her out of my life, she immediately discards them, yet repeats the same thing over and over... .up until about a week and a half ago. She has stopped trying to find a replacement for the time being, but says she will in the future "start dating and trying to find that person." it is really bewildering to me.

How I fit into this puzzle? I have no idea. She seems intent upon following me wherever I go... .yet simultaneously speaks of moving on. It is very bizarre behavior. It is like, she says she wants to find "the person" for her... .but yet, speaks of us living like roommates for the rest of her life and absolutely gets livid at the idea of me remarrying and having a family and being completely removed from her life. I do not want to be with her or in her life in any way unless she stops drinking and seeks therapy for BPD. period. so, I do plan on moving on with my life, since she is only willing to deal with her drinking and not her BPD. it may be only a matter of time before she finds this new answer to her problems. Or, it may be only a matter of time before she caves in and starts begging me for another go at the relationship. It is hard living in the house with her for another month because I never can tell what I will have to deal with. But, I have a gut feeling that her intent may not have ever been to find someone else, rather because she is emotional and angry and seeking revenge on me for perceived wrongs I have done to her and wants to triangulate to get her way and force me to take therapy off the table. Or, she could seriously have painted me to black and will move on eventually. No telling. I have to focus on what is best for me though and dig myself out of this hole, with or without her.