Tactical Fight Starting

[LArve]

Hi, I've noticed my partner is possibly using a technique i could call  "Tactical Fight Starting" 

This would involve trying to get me to start the fight (baiting me)

I can often see this coming and if something is said i fear is step one to bait me into saying something as step two so the end result of step three (violent outbust) can be achieved... .i tend to modify my step two response making her step 3 impossible... .but this seems to make her even more mad in the end.

My concern is... .This is demonstrating premeditation on my BPD Partner's side. Also any avoidance is simply a deferral.

I can understand things triggering BPD incidents but I dont understand or know how to deal with this 'aftermath period'?

Another example I have been seeing (more accurately: subjected to) is if when we go to bed and I dont take the bait to start an argument then she will pull the covers off me. A very provocative thing to do (and i dont mean pulling them slightly off my feet or whatever... .she knows what she is doing and grabs my corner of the duvet and pulls it right off me intentionally)

I understand such things are common with BPD? I have read there is an intent to get the other person to start the fight so the BPD sufferer can take the role of the victim?

Does anyone have experience of any of  this or any suggestions?

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[IsItHerOrIsItMe]

My uBPDw will at times try and bait me into a fight.  If it's first thing in the morning, or when we're out & about and will be home soon I've been able to tell her directly, you're not going to bait me into a fight, we'll be home soon (or I'm leaving for work soon) and I know you'll stop when you get in front of the kids... .you don't have enough time to get me to fight.

She'll never admit that's what she's trying to do, but it usually quiets her down.  Although she ain't dumb, so all I've done is get her to focus on times she has a few hours to bait me... .

[formflier]

 

I know it seems premeditated... .but I really doubt it.

The fights are a way to relieve stress or fill a dysfunctional need.

You are taking that away... .so they are upping their game to attempt to get you back in line.

See what you can do to move your "exit" to step 1. 

Make it about you... .why you cant engage.


Cover pulling:  I would try to be playful about it.  She jerks covers off... you take of your PJs (yep... stark neekid) and announce you are ready to go a round or two while you remove her covers... .

This seems to be a situation where you can turn a negative into a positive.

Let it be know that you consider cover pulling to be her mating call... .if she denies it... .then ask her to help you understand what she is trying to communicate... .especially when she looks so hot (keep it positive)

FF

[LArve]

Thanks for the input guys very insightful.

It's possibly a facet of passive aggressive behaviour?

Does passive aggressive behaviour go hand in hand with BPD?

How is it best to deal with?

[formflier]

How is it best to deal with?

Yes... .hand in hand.

Not dealing with it is best... .

Think about that for a minute.  It's about mindset.

If you are "dealing with it... "... .then you are expending energy and expecting a result... .and you will be disappointed.

If you don't deal with it... .move on with your life... .don't expend energy on stupid stuff... .and when healthy behavior is exhibited... .pour energy into that.

What happens in a long term situation like that?

FF