Scary situation with my baby

[tm006f]

Last night my uBPD husband got mad at me (I told him in an annoyed tone that I didn't want him to put pepper in my dinner).  Then while we were eating (on the couch) he told me to watch the baby.  I did my best to eat and watch the baby (ten months old) at the same time.  The baby fell down and hit her face on the coffee table (she was not really hurt, had no mark), but my husband was livid.  Thankfully he just walked away.

When he came back, after a bit, I told him (my mistake to justify) that she was okay and she was a baby and babies fall down and it's okay.  He got even more pissed.  I tried to get myself out of the situation by saying the baby needed to go to bed (which was true), but he demanded I give him the baby.  I gave him to her, but she immediately started crying, reaching for me, and calling "mamamama".  I asked him to give her back to I could put her to bed but he refused.  He said that I was a bad mother and didn't know how to take care of her so he was never giving her back.

He went upstairs and started to change her all the while the baby was screaming and visibly upset.  I kept pleading for him to give her back and to think of the baby instead of himself.  I told him that he could yell at me later, but please not to make the baby pay because he was mad at me.  He refused.  He called me stupid, then started screaming "your  please read               |ing mother!  It's her fault that you hate me."  Then he kicked a box and threw her clothes, all the while the baby is on the changing table still crying.

Finally he took her to the bedroom and he handed her over to me but then shoved me.   I told him that was the kind of behavior that previously led to a CPS report being filed against him, which only provoked him more.  He screamed that the whole CPS situation was my fault and that he was going to file a CPS report against me for being a bad mother if I wasn't careful.

I got the baby down and then went downstairs to talk to him.

He told me that I should be scared because he is going to hurt me, not "physically".  He is going to take my baby away "the legal way" and I am never going to see her again.  I better be ready for a "battle" because he is going to fight forever until he has custody and I can never see the baby again.

I was more composed since the baby was out of the situation, so I just let him talk, even though it was obviously incredibly hurtful and scary what he was saying. 

Finally he calmed down when he could see that I wasn't engaging in his drama.

He said that when the baby fell, I should have just had sympathy (e.g. "I know it's scary when the baby falls, I should have paid more attention." instead of trying to "defend myself".

I know there are things I could have done to avoid falling into this situation (not engaged in his initial drama, given sympathy instead of "defending myself" as he said), but it is pretty hard to be perfect all of the time!

What can I do if I am in this type of scary situation again?  I am terrified that our baby is becoming traumatized by all of this, but I am also terrified of what will happen if I try to leave my husband.  Even though I think that a court wouldn't see me as "unfit" because my baby fell and didn't hurt herself, it's scary to think of fighting for custody in a court and the possibility of him being alone with her even for a short time.  He has NEVER in ten months taken sole responsibility for caring for her.  Even if he did not have mental issues, he is simply unprepared to parent by himself.  He has no experience.

Other than practicing methods to avoid getting into dramas, what can I do to get out of a scary situation involving the baby in the future?

Also, is there anyone else out there who can understand how incredibly stressful it is to handle caring for an active baby (I work full time, but only have part-time help, so all afternoons, I care for her myself and "work" as best I can on my own).  I spend so much time saying "no!" "don't touch that!" "don't put that in your mouth!" and it is hard to keep patience.  On top of that, it is sad and really hard to be a new mom and at the same time have my "partner" telling me that I am a "bad mother" and "if he had boobs, he wouldn't need me at all" because he would do everything "better" than me (while at the same time he is barely lifting a finger to parent in ways that he could-he has only fed and changed her diaper less than a handful of times in ten months despite my offering "hey would you like to x" many times).  Please tell me I'm not alone!  How did you get through this?

I feel like I'm already fantasizing about the day my daughter will be an adult and I can explain in a way that she can understand "daddy is mentally ill and I can't take care of him anymore, so I am leaving" and not worry that he will get custody.

Feeling devastated.  :'(

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[ct21218]

I think you have every right to be concerned for your child.  Do you have a safe place that you can go when he's dysregulating?  I also think it would be wise to document this behavior if it happens again, whether it be by calling CPS or the police.

[tm006f]

I have (after learning from this group) started walking away, including leaving the house, when he is dysregulating.  The other day he was escalating (not totally freaking out, but getting there) so I walked out of the house with the baby and told him to calm down.  The problem is when this happens at the baby's bedtime (or after the baby is asleep).  I feel like I can't leave the house with the baby, because I'm trying not to disrupt her routine and help her get her sleep (which is obviously important).  The other problem is that I feel like my husband knows exactly where the line is where he can feel justified that he isn't "hurting" me or the baby and that if I did call the police or CPS, he could just tell them that I was exaggerating things because I'm hysterical.  His therapist previously filed a CPS report after I told her that he had kicked me and pulled my hair while the baby was present.  It was a joke.  It was inconvenient for both of us to have to meet with CPS, but in the end, my husband had NO real consequences whatsoever, which only reinforced that he had done "nothing wrong".  I have since brought it up and he has laughed it off saying that I am making it up that he kicked me.  He thinks that since I didn't have a bruise, it was somehow okay what he did (even though it really did hurt a lot!).  CPS did not require him to do anything and they even told us that there will be no report filed, so even though CPS was notified, there is supposedly no paper trail for the future, because they didn't think this warranted anything.  It was very frustrating.

I did join a NAMI support group and they recommended keeping a journal (in a secret place) so that I have "documentation" even if I am the only one that is seeing it for the time being, so I did start a journal and documented this incident there.

[ct21218]

The journal, with dates and times, is a great idea.  I know that those on the legal board have used diaries in their cases to establish a pattern of behavior.  Are you concerned that he may hurt you?  You said that he has a therapist, does he recognize that his behavior is wrong and is he working to change it?

[Turkish]

tm006f,

It's unfortunate that CPS didn't follow through. Having just gone through an issue with them this past year, which also involved law enforcement, and advice from my T was mixed in, it's hard to see how all of the interlocking pieces fit together.

If there was no criminal case, or imminent danger to your baby, then that is likely why they closed the case. Rest assured, though nothing was punted to law enforcement (I am guessing that is what they meant when they said nothing was filed), there CPS does have a case file, even if they closed it as non-active for now. Ours was closed, and the social worker said that they could reopen it rather easily if something new came up.

Journaling/documenting is good. CPS usually has an anonymous helpline. Maybe you can call to report just his behaviors around the baby. Kicking things and yelling would likely qualify as DV against you if you were in the room. How much moreso against a defenseless child?

I find it odd that his T only reported to CPS, and not the DV towards you to the police. Conflict of interest here?

Joining NAMI is a good thing. Apart from his T, where is your support? Have you thought about calling a local DV hotline for support? The initial calls are anonymous. It's a complicated situation. Rash acts in such situations usually aren't good (unless you have to flee at the moment). Having a safety plan for you and your baby ready to go in case you ever need it might ease the emotional burden just a bit. We have an article here which can help:

Safety First

Turkish