Scared, confused, hurt and lonely...

[confusedshell]

 Hello everyone,

I am in (or might soon not be in) a relationship with a man who I have come to believe has BPD.  We have been together for 2 years... .and it has been a make up break up cycle.  Each break up was brought on by him.  When I met him I knew he was different than any man I had been with before.  He had this amazing charisma, kindness and magnetic pull.  Yet I knew he was tortured... .he had a difficult past.  He is a recovering alcoholic, we have dealt with this throughout our relationship.  He is now 10 months sober and doing amazing in that department. 

He has broken up with me twice and asked for a break twice. Each time was brought about by different yet the same circumstances.  He was scared, he needed space, hes never been alone and sober, doesnt think he wants to be in a relationship.  But each time after some space he came back, I could tell he thought deeply about himself and what he wants out of his life.  Each time I was put on a pedestal and treated as his guiding light, his forever lover, his soulmate.  When things are good, let me tell you... .it is bliss.  We have an amazing dynamic and flow so well together... .its so easy.  But then he flips a switch and doesnt want to be with me anymore... .he continues to say how much he loves me but doesnt know what he wants.  He over and over says how hes never loved anyone like hes loved me and we are destined to be together.  He has never ever put me down and has taken complete ownership of being the diving negative force in our relationship.  He hates himself for repeatedly putting me through this and says I deserve so much better.  We were engaged within our first year... .and then broke up... .and attempted to just start over. 

TODAY

He is in a transition in his life... .new found sobriety (under a year), career changes, independance.  But is also under a large amount of stress right now.  Everything seemed absolutely normal and fine until yesterday.  We spent the night together and it was just another wonderful time with him.  We woke up in the morning and I could feel tension... .the air was tight.  He left for work and within a few hours he sent a message... ."I don't think I want to be in a relationship anymore... ."  again... .completely out of the blue.  We made a promise to communicate before making rash decisions... .and we were both doing great.  Until this... .

I did some research and he has every symptom possible of BPD.  Everything.  We have briefly spoke about the possibility in the past... .but it hit me like a truck last night.  He is sick... .and I don't know if I can continue this rollercoaster anymore.  The hot and cold... .the yes and no.  The I love you but I dont know if I can be with you.  But I see greatness in him, I see the possibility of long term love.  But is that just wishful thinking? I don't know what to do, part of me feels with all my being he is worth the risk of standing by him.  But the other part of me... .its telling me to move on... .but as soon as I think about that this overwhelming anxiety grabs me.  I have never loved anyone so deeply and unconditionally.  I don't understand it myself we are insanely perfect for each other in so many ways.  But maybe it isnt enough?  I don't know what to do... .I am terrified to lose my best friend.  If it ends for real friendship is out of the picture, the love is too strong and it would just be prolonging the pain.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ColdEthyl]

Hello and welcome! I am sorry you found yourself in this position.

Let me start off by saying 1. You are not crazy 2. Everything you said and feel I also have said and felt, along with most of us here.

I'm currently in my 5th year of my relationship with my husband, and it's still the same in some aspects. Sometimes I love him so much it hurts... .and sometimes he pulls away and I'm left feeling empty and confused by it. But, it has improved over the past year since I have been on this site and have put the lessons to practice. The rages have cut down, no more verbal abuse (name calling), and communication has improved!

These relationship ARE hard work. They always will be. My suggestion would be to check out the lessons and decide if this is something YOU want and YOU want to commit to. Please, ask any questions you would like and know you are not alone!

[confusedshell]

I think I put this in the wrong section... .should be in undecided.

Thank you for your reply and I wish you all the luck in the world that you can continue to have a workable and loving relationship with your husband.

My biggest barrier right now is not knowing what to do... .I have gone through all the tools and been reading about BP and BPD relationships all night last night and all of today... my eyes feel like they are bleeding.  I want him to want to work through this with me by his side... .helping and standing with him.  But we are at a point of not talking for awhile... .though we spoke briefly this morning and I finally told him I think he needs to be assessed and why and sent him a link of BP signs.  He fits them all to a giant T! He even agreed... .and acknowledges that it may be the case and is willing to be assessed.  But where does that place me?  He is so cold right now... .yesterday morning was I love you... .today is "have a great day"

[ColdEthyl]

I think I put this in the wrong section... .should be in undecided.

Thank you for your reply and I wish you all the luck in the world that you can continue to have a workable and loving relationship with your husband.

My biggest barrier right now is not knowing what to do... .I have gone through all the tools and been reading about BP and BPD relationships all night last night and all of today... my eyes feel like they are bleeding.  I want him to want to work through this with me by his side... .helping and standing with him.  But we are at a point of not talking for awhile... .though we spoke briefly this morning and I finally told him I think he needs to be assessed and why and sent him a link of BP signs.  He fits them all to a giant T! He even agreed... .and acknowledges that it may be the case and is willing to be assessed.  But where does that place me?  He is so cold right now... .yesterday morning was I love you... .today is "have a great day"

I have a thread I just started earlier today about the same thing. We went from extreme high and happy to extreme low in one afternoon. He's been cold for 2 days now. He actually has not had an episode like this in two years, so it really threw me for a loop.

If you are expecting him to help with this... .you might be disappointed. We are the 'healthy' ones, so we are the ones that have the burden of change. If we change, place boundaries and hold firm, we can see results. I won't lie... .not all pwBPD can or want to change. My husband is self-aware and is actively trying. If he wasn't, I wouldn't be here.

[confusedshell]

Thank you Ethyl    Sorry to hear of your current situation doll.

I am more than willing to do the work, I am open to atleast trying... .hell Ive stuck around for this long it seems crazy to stop now.  He has made amazing progress in so many areas... .but for some reason he keeps faultering in our relationship.  Im scared, scared he doesnt want to work at this and scared he wants to just "take the easy road" and let me go.  He doesnt want to hurt me anymore, and I don't want to hurt anymore either, but I love him... .so freaking much.  I just want to be happy.

[confusedshell]

I don't know what to do right now.  I feel so scared and helpless.  I tried writing out my feelings and it just made me more upset... .this is what I wrote.

Fear.

Hello old friend.

I wish I could say it was nice to see you,

and welcome you back to the same old space.

But I don't want you here anymore.

I don't have the strength for you anymore.

I ask you to leave

Instead of walking back out the door,

You come in uninvited.

You wrap yourself around me in that cold familiar blanket.

It's heavy and rough on my skin.

I feel weak and unable to lift you off of me.

My muscles get tired,

My eyes grow weary.

You are here

And I don't know how to make you leave

We've been here so many times before that it feels like home.

Not the home someone dreams of,

one they were put in by someone else,

A place they never wanted to be.

I think to myself... .

This isn't fair

Why am I here again?

I sink back into the cold.

I sigh deeply.

I never locked the door.

[ColdEthyl]

I just want to be happy.

This is what I want you to read again, because our happiness comes from within ourselves, not from other people. I am talking from a place where I am still trying to learn this myself. I felt exactly the same way you did in the beginning of our relationship. They are intoxicating.

I read your poem, and it's beautiful. It's good for you to get those feelings out. Writing has always helped me sort out my feelings.

Has there been any contact?

[confusedshell]

Thank you hun.  Yes I realized even when I am with him... .I am not 100% happy.  To much fear... .knowing he will crash us again.  So I took a gigantic step for myself... .and I let him go.  We spoke last night and I said everything I wanted to say, and I walked away and am not looking back.  Its over and I need to heal myself.  I can't be part of his vicious cycle of love me leave me alone anymore... .I reached my breaking point.  I am better than this, I deserve more, and I deserve someone who will fight to be with me... .or atleast stand beside me and fight for us.  I am seeing things a lot clearer now and realizing how much he actually damaged me.  How I became addicted to the chaos, the drama, coming out of the lows to exciting highs.  He was an addiction for me. And as happy as I was when things were good... .they were not going to last.  He isnt emotionally ready to be in a relationship and give me what I need.  So thats that... .I needed to walk away.

[ColdEthyl]

Thank you hun.  Yes I realized even when I am with him... .I am not 100% happy.  To much fear... .knowing he will crash us again.  So I took a gigantic step for myself... .and I let him go.  We spoke last night and I said everything I wanted to say, and I walked away and am not looking back.  Its over and I need to heal myself.  I can't be part of his vicious cycle of love me leave me alone anymore... .I reached my breaking point.  I am better than this, I deserve more, and I deserve someone who will fight to be with me... .or atleast stand beside me and fight for us.  I am seeing things a lot clearer now and realizing how much he actually damaged me.  How I became addicted to the chaos, the drama, coming out of the lows to exciting highs.  He was an addiction for me. And as happy as I was when things were good... .they were not going to last.  He isnt emotionally ready to be in a relationship and give me what I need.  So thats that... .I needed to walk away.

I know you are going through a very tough time right now, but I think you made the best call for yourself. pwBPD are never going to be emotionally ready  for a relationship. That's not a bug... .it's a feature.

If you need some support, heading to the leaving board will help. There are people there also trying to recover themselves from BPD relationships, and they will certainly understand how you feel and what you are going through.

/hugs That was not an easy thing for you to do. Good for you on being strong and defending what you want.