Arguing

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hello everyone, second post here. Read the discussion about circular arguments and decided to post about it.

So, all my life my  mother has told me I'm argumentative. I can remember one time when we were walking down the street in my hometown with my dad and she told me and my dad argue so much she can't walk with us.

All my life I've listened to my mother bad mouth my father and its upset me so much i've told him on numerous times to stand up for himself. Mind you when I was a teen my father stood up for my mother and got on my case.

Recently I had an opportunity to talk to my aunt about my dad and she said my dad likes it that my mom is mean to him and that he wants someone to tell him what to do. I thought this was mean of my aunt to say but since she and my father don't get along its not surprising.

How does this affect me? Well, all my life my mother's told me I'm an argumentative person and I've believed her, but what if I'm not? What if that's just her projection on me? Others have told me I'm a peacekeeper, calm, serene, together. What if all my life I believed a lie about me just because my mother said it? What if her telling me I'm argumentative was just her borderline projection?

[unicorn2014]

Hello everyone, second post here. Read the discussion about circular arguments and decided to post about it.

So, all my life my  mother has told me I'm argumentative. I can remember one time when we were walking down the street in my hometown with my dad and she told me and my dad argue so much she can't walk with us.

All my life I've listened to my mother bad mouth my father and its upset me so much i've told him on numerous times to stand up for himself. Mind you when I was a teen my father stood up for my mother and got on my case.

Recently I had an opportunity to talk to my aunt about my dad and she said my dad likes it that my mom is mean to him and that he wants someone to tell him what to do. I thought this was mean of my aunt to say but since she and my father don't get along its not surprising.

How does this affect me? Well, all my life my mother's told me I'm an argumentative person and I've believed her, but what if I'm not? What if that's just her projection on me? Others have told me I'm a peacekeeper, calm, serene, together. What if all my life I believed a lie about me just because my mother said it? What if her telling me I'm argumentative was just her borderline projection?

[Kwamina]

Hi again unicorn2014

Is there any particular reason your aunt and father don't get along? Although your aunt doesn't get along with your father, do you feel like there is any validity in her statements about him? Do you yourself perhaps also feel that he prefers other people telling him what to do?

It could very well be that your mother calling you argumentative was indeed a projection stemming from her disordered mind. Perhaps she felt argumentative herself or was labeled as such by other people. It could be that she couldn't handle the negative thoughts and emotions this caused her so instead projected this label onto you to make herself feel better.

When you look at your mom, would you say she is an argumentative person?

It isn't easy for a child being treated this way by one's own mother. Unfortunately your father contributed to the problems by not standing up for you. How is your relationship with your dad now?

[HappyChappy]

So, all my life my  mother has told me I'm argumentative... .What if her telling me I'm argumentative was just her borderline projection?

You raise a good point, and we do know that BPD project their guilt, so would you say your BPD is argumentative ? But also argumentative is defined by the world not by one person. So really what matters is the censuses of opinion. Many of my BPD opinions were so out of kilter with society, we thought we were discounting them. However, if someone repeats a message regularly over a period of time, subconsciously you start to believe the hype.

As anyone in advertising will tell you, the frequency with which a message is repeated, has far more effect on our belief system than the content of the message. A principle also used by people those that brainwash or are involved in propaganda.  Meaning the answer to your question (are you argumentative) probably lies in your wider circler of contacts outside the family. What I also found, through Therapy was that even when we know something isn’t true consciously, if a BPD as laid doubt in our subconscious, it will cause doubt where there need be no doubt. My friends were forever telling me my BPD was wrong, or offer her trolley, but I always had the nagging doubt. One technique they use is to bring back (or invent) examples from past arguments and remind you at every opportunity. This creates the false impression it's more of an issue than it truely is. Just to re-enforce their point. So ask people outside the influence of your BPD, as they are more likely to be objective. I hope that helps you in your search for the truth.   

[unicorn2014]

Happy Chappy, I am argumentative, however how do I know my mother didn't make me that way?

[unicorn2014]

Hi again unicorn2014

Is there any particular reason your aunt and father don't get along? Although your aunt doesn't get along with your father, do you feel like there is any validity in her statements about him? Do you yourself perhaps also feel that he prefers other people telling him what to do?

My dad has contempt for his half sister. My aunt says my father is mean and she's right. My dad does not like people telling him what to do.

It could very well be that your mother calling you argumentative was indeed a projection stemming from her disordered mind. Perhaps she felt argumentative herself or was labeled as such by other people. It could be that she couldn't handle the negative thoughts and emotions this caused her so instead projected this label onto you to make herself feel better.

When you look at your mom, would you say she is an argumentative person?

My  mom does not listen to other people's points of view.

It isn't easy for a child being treated this way by one's own mother. Unfortunately your father contributed to the problems by not standing up for you. How is your relationship with your dad now?

I get along great with my dad now. I'll write more later. Thank you so much for engaging me. I have added your links to my reading list.

[Kwamina]

I'll write more later. Thank you so much for engaging me. I have added your links to my reading list.

You're welcome

That's ok, write more when you have the time. I'll see you around.

[unicorn2014]

Thank you Kwamina, the very first thing I read in surviving a borderline parent hit me like a ton of bricks. Does your parent make fun of a physical attribute of yours? Yes I remember growing up my mom making fun of me because I had a bigger cup size then her. She always use to brag about how people thought she was a guy. I have a feeling this book is going to be a very emotional read. I think I will try to post something after I finish the first chapter.