Why did I read this book?

[LilMe]

So I love reading books on my phone Kindle!  I can read in the middle of the night when I can't sleep, anywhere I go, anytime; it is great.  Recently I discovered that the library has books I can check out on my Kindle - coolio!  (I can only read free books since I have no income.)

So I read The Verbally Abusive Man:  Can He Change? by Patricia Evans.  Now I feel like crap - very discouraged.  The book explains a lot and makes a lot of sense.  Says that abusers see us non's as their dream person and the trouble starts when we act differently than they expect us to (my tiny paraphrase!).  The book goes on to give suggestions as to how to get the abuse to stop.  She also gives examples of when there is no way to get it to stop.  Yep, my uBPDh meets every single requirement of not being able to change.

I suppose I realized this in my conscious mind, but I think my sub-conscious mind still held on to hope that things might get better.  Now I feel like there is not much hope.  I can't give up any more of myself.  I can't be any better.  I do not engage, argue, confide, express an opinion; nothing anymore.  That is not to say that I cannot and will not improve!  I am definitely a work in progress.

Even before I read the book, I felt I was being slowly crushed down to nothing by his words.  Making fun of me happens multiple times a day and is always followed by 'you have no sense of humor'.  Every single day he tells me I am only here because of the children or he would have thrown me out by now.  Every single day I am told how awful I am and called names.  And on and on, ad nauseam!  How do you validate that?.  All in front of my children.  It is crushing my spirit.

I am having a harder and harder time not believing his words.  When it is repeated day after day it is being hard-wired into my being.  The crazy thing is that when we first met he read Firestone's book Creating a Life of Meaning and Compassion and went on and on about how great it was.  It is about how words spoken by those close to us become tapes in our mind that control us.  Do you think he was just mirroring me?  That book was life changing for me, at the time.

Sorry for ranting!  I just feel like I am not going to make it; physically or mentally.  Staying protects my children from him, but forces me to take it all.  I do not want them to have to endure what I do.  As long as I am here they do not.  Yet they are still being damaged.

So has anyone else been working at this for years with not much improvement?  Any helpful tips for coping when you are mostly isolated?  I read over and over the Lessons and it has helped, but the abuse continues seemingly no matter what I do or do not do.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Rockylove]

     

Might I suggest reading a different book?  Please take good care of yourself and never feel that you can't make changes that will help you and your children.  It IS POSSIBLE!  I can't stress enough that he will continue to mentally drain you if you allow him to.  I know this from experience.  Keep in touch with the group and read the lessons to the right of this board.  You'll find so much comfort and inspiration... .and strength.   

[maxsterling]

This is a very useful post.  The reality is, we all have our own reasons for staying or trying to work on things.  Staying doesn't mean you can't change your mind later on for whatever reason.  Staying doesn't mean you are not allowed to constantly evaluate your relationship status.  There is no shame in changing your mind, or deciding that a relationship is not for you.  It does not mean you failed. 

A while back I posted a topic where I said abuse is inevitable in a BPD relationship.  I still stand by that, even though plenty of people disagreed.  My wife has been abusive, too, verbally and physically.  And it has drained me and changed me emotionally.  I know what you are going through.  While the abuse from my wife has been much lower as of late, it doesn't take much to trigger me back to those real bad times.  And like you, reading a book about abuse only sinks me lower - because the description of the abuser fits my wife to a tee. 

The reality is, I can't change my wife and you can't change your husband.  But both of them can change themselves if they desire.  But you can change yourself.  And that may mean a ton of work with boundaries and not taking things personally.  I've reduced the time I spend with my wife to minimize the abuse.  I've stayed with friends or slept in the spare room with the door locked when she was particularly nasty.  I tune out or leave the room when she goes on a name-calling rant. 

The reality is, if I look at my marriage from the abuse perspective rather than from a mental illness perspective, it's textbook abuse that really can't get much worse. 

[LilMe]

Rockylove-

I am now trying to read a book about George Washington (I adore early American history!) but am having a hard time staying focused. I will definitely stay away from abuse books in the future!

Maxsterling-

Sometimes I have a hard time even reading the posts here - there is so much hurt and pain and abuse. I feel yours too! I guess I am tired of constantly having to evaluate my relationship. I don't even consider it a relationship right now; more of a prisoner/jailer type thing. I am strong and growing; I just have to remind myself of that now and then! I have periods when I can even giggle at the crazy; but other times it crushes my spirit.

[Beacher]

So sorry you are going through this. There is strength in numbers here! Just writing it down helps me. Stay strong

[unicorn2014]

Hi lil me   that sounds really awful  :'(

I've confronted my pwBPD about his verbal abuse time and again.

I'm in recovery for my adult child issues, and standing up for myself is a big deal.

The ironic thing is my pwBPD is also in recovery for being an adult child.

Are you doing any kind of recovery work?

[Notwendy]

I had a different reaction to Patricia Evan's books.

I also felt the shock of realizing that I was at the time, tolerating a certain degree of verbal abuse. Thankfully, it was not everything on the list, but a combination of the ones that I didn't recognize as abuse. Although I was not being called names, or cussed at, the silent treatment, eye rolling, groaning and grunting, stonewalling, were occurring daily.

I didn't recognize these as being abusive, because I tolerated a lot of this from my parents. 

The books opened my eyes, and at first I was shocked. However, Evans also has some good practical advise for taking action to reduce /stop it, as well as putting it in perspective. Her companion book"Controlling People" was very enlightening.

When I showed it to our MC, her concern was that I don't take a victim perspective or lay all the blame for the relationship on my H. I understand that. However, I also didn't want to be in denial. This behavior felt hurtful, and I didn't want to tolerate it, not from my H, not from my mother ( with BPD)

About this time, I saw a slogan for a local domestic violence shelter that said " Love doesn't hurt" . This doesn't mean that we don't get our feelings hurt, but the kind of hurt, where we are either physically or verbally hurt, isn't what I wanted. I thought it came with love because that is how I grew up.

But I get the idea of taking responsibility for my contributions. With co-dependency help and a sponsor, I have become less reactive to verbal insults or triggers. The silent treatment doesn't happen anymore-( thank goodness) because - it no longer works.

All behavior have a payoff- for the one using them and the one reacting to them. I wanted to break the cycle. But first, I had to identify the behavior. While thinking of the person as "sick" is a different model, even people with mental illnesses can have behaviors that work for them, that we may inadvertently reinforce. I wanted to take care of my part in that.

Evan's books helped me identify the behaviors that I didn't want to accept.

[LilMe]

Notwendy - I am almost finished reading Evan's 'Controlling People' book.  It is very helpful! Of all the books I have read, this is the only one I have seriously considered having uBPDh read. Not sure yet if I will or not. I never know what his reaction will be!

Unfortunately in our relationship he regularly does everything on the circle of abuse chart to me. I knew that, but hold out hope that he will wake up and realize the damage he is doing I someday.

Unicorn2015 - He doesn't want me going to a counselor so I just read everything I can and try to be open to change.

Thank you all for being here!

[unicorn2014]

Hi Lil Me, May I ask how it is that he  prevents you from going to a counselor?  When I was a suicidal teenager I paid for my own therapy because my parents didn't want to and then when I was married I went to counseling  without my husband. You might find Al-Anon helpful if there are meetings in your area. I've read one of the behaviors people with BPD engage in is isolating their victim.

[Butterfly12]

Your post is so hauntingly familiar it made me cry.

I'm so sorry.