I finally did it. I left him. Now what...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hey guys... .so here is my story... .

Hello everyone,

I was in a relationship with a man who I have come to believe has BPD.  We had been together for 2 years... .it was a make up break up cycle.  Each break up was brought on by him.  When I met him I knew he was different than any man I had been with before.  He had this amazing charisma, kindness and magnetic pull.  Yet I knew he was tortured... .he had a difficult past.  He is a recovering alcoholic, we have dealt with this throughout our relationship.  He is now 10 months sober and doing amazing in that department.

He had broken up with me twice and asked for a break twice. Each time was brought about by different yet the same circumstances.  He was scared, he needed space, hes never been alone and sober, doesnt think he wants to be in a relationship.  But each time after some space he came back, I could tell he thought deeply about himself and what he wants out of his life.  Each time I was put on a pedestal and treated as his guiding light, his forever lover, his soulmate.  When things were good, let me tell you... .it was bliss.  We have an amazing dynamic and flow so well together... .its so easy.  But then he flips a switch and doesnt want to be with me anymore, hes cold and distant. He continues to say how much he loves me but doesnt know what he wants.  He over and over says how hes never loved anyone like hes loved me and we are destined to be together.  He has never ever put me down and has taken complete ownership of being the diving negative force in our relationship.  He hates himself for repeatedly putting me through this and says I deserve so much better.  We were engaged within our first year... .and then broke up... .and attempted to just start over.

Everything seemed absolutely normal and fine until two days ago. We spent the night together and it was just another wonderful time with him.  We woke up in the morning and I could feel tension... .the air was tight.  He left for work and within a few hours he sent a message... ."I don't think I want to be in a relationship anymore... ."  again... .completely out of the blue.  We made a promise to communicate before making rash decisions... .and we were both doing great.  Until this... .

I did some research and he has every symptom possible of BPD which i wont fully elaborate on... .but they are all there. We have briefly spoke about the possibility in the past... .but it hit me like a truck last night.  He is sick... .and I cannot continue this rollercoaster anymore.  The hot and cold... .the yes and no.  The I love you but I dont know if I can be with you.  But I see greatness in him, I see the possibility of long term love. I have never loved anyone so deeply and unconditionally.  I don't understand it myself we are insanely perfect for each other in so many ways.  But it isnt enough.  

I realized even when I am with him... .I am not 100% happy.  To much fear... .knowing he will crash us again.  So I took a gigantic step for myself... .and I let him go last night.  We spoke and I said everything I wanted to say, and I walked away and am not looking back.  Its over and I need to heal myself.  I can't be part of his vicious cycle of love me leave me alone anymore... .I reached my breaking point.  I am better than this, I deserve more, and I deserve someone who will fight to be with me... .or atleast stand beside me and fight for us.  I am seeing things a lot clearer now and realizing how much he actually damaged me.  How I became addicted to the chaos, the drama, coming out of the lows to exciting highs.  He was an addiction for me. And as happy as I was when things were good... .they were not going to last.  He isnt emotionally ready to be in a relationship and give me what I need.  So thats that... .I needed to walk away.

I need someone who is faithful, keeps promises, is there for me AND my son, and is able to love completely.  He is not capable of a relationship... .he is too immature and broken.  I got this.

[confusedshell]

Hey guys... .so here is my story... .

Hello everyone,

I was in a relationship with a man who I have come to believe has BPD.  We had been together for 2 years... .it was a make up break up cycle.  Each break up was brought on by him.  When I met him I knew he was different than any man I had been with before.  He had this amazing charisma, kindness and magnetic pull.  Yet I knew he was tortured... .he had a difficult past.  He is a recovering alcoholic, we have dealt with this throughout our relationship.  He is now 10 months sober and doing amazing in that department.

He had broken up with me twice and asked for a break twice. Each time was brought about by different yet the same circumstances.  He was scared, he needed space, hes never been alone and sober, doesnt think he wants to be in a relationship.  But each time after some space he came back, I could tell he thought deeply about himself and what he wants out of his life.  Each time I was put on a pedestal and treated as his guiding light, his forever lover, his soulmate.  When things were good, let me tell you... .it was bliss.  We have an amazing dynamic and flow so well together... .its so easy.  But then he flips a switch and doesnt want to be with me anymore, hes cold and distant. He continues to say how much he loves me but doesnt know what he wants.  He over and over says how hes never loved anyone like hes loved me and we are destined to be together.  He has never ever put me down and has taken complete ownership of being the diving negative force in our relationship.  He hates himself for repeatedly putting me through this and says I deserve so much better.  We were engaged within our first year... .and then broke up... .and attempted to just start over.

Everything seemed absolutely normal and fine until two days ago. We spent the night together and it was just another wonderful time with him.  We woke up in the morning and I could feel tension... .the air was tight.  He left for work and within a few hours he sent a message... ."I don't think I want to be in a relationship anymore... ."  again... .completely out of the blue.  We made a promise to communicate before making rash decisions... .and we were both doing great.  Until this... .

I did some research and he has every symptom possible of BPD which i wont fully elaborate on... .but they are all there. We have briefly spoke about the possibility in the past... .but it hit me like a truck last night.  He is sick... .and I cannot continue this rollercoaster anymore.  The hot and cold... .the yes and no.  The I love you but I dont know if I can be with you.  But I see greatness in him, I see the possibility of long term love. I have never loved anyone so deeply and unconditionally.  I don't understand it myself we are insanely perfect for each other in so many ways.  But it isnt enough.  

I realized even when I am with him... .I am not 100% happy.  To much fear... .knowing he will crash us again.  So I took a gigantic step for myself... .and I let him go last night.  We spoke and I said everything I wanted to say, and I walked away and am not looking back.  Its over and I need to heal myself.  I can't be part of his vicious cycle of love me leave me alone anymore... .I reached my breaking point.  I am better than this, I deserve more, and I deserve someone who will fight to be with me... .or atleast stand beside me and fight for us.  I am seeing things a lot clearer now and realizing how much he actually damaged me.  How I became addicted to the chaos, the drama, coming out of the lows to exciting highs.  He was an addiction for me. And as happy as I was when things were good... .they were not going to last.  He isnt emotionally ready to be in a relationship and give me what I need.  So thats that... .I needed to walk away.

I need someone who is faithful, keeps promises, is there for me AND my son, and is able to love completely.  He is not capable of a relationship... .he is too immature and broken.  I got this.

[confusedshell]

But now what... .where do I go from here? I left someone I loved... .and he loved me. I keep thinking of all the heartache over the years and that helps.  But the good memories and the loss of my best friend are creeping in.  I don't know what to do with myself... .

[C.Stein]

But now what... .where do I go from here? I left someone I loved... .and he loved me. I keep thinking of all the heartache over the years and that helps.  But the good memories and the loss of my best friend are creeping in.  I don't know what to do with myself... .

You sound unsure of your decision.  Perhaps a list of reasons for leaving him might help.  Then make a list of reasons you might want to reconcile.  If the reasons to reconcile outweigh the reasons for leaving, then maybe it is time to rethink your decision?

[confusedshell]

No there won't be a reconciliation.  Breaking up and going through the painful grief that goes with it 4 times in 2 years is my breaking point.  I can't do it anymore, and he doesnt want to hurt me anymore.  Of course I still care deeply about him, but he cant be the man I need him to be for me and my son.  I wrote out a list like you mentioned earlier today actually... .and the bad outweigh the good, especially in the emotional weight they carry.  He put me through alot... .I gave it every last ounce of strength I had.  But in the end he needs to work on himself before he can be ready to accept love and love another.  We are both sad, we are losing our best friend. But there is no other avenue anymore, all the paths have been travelled and burned.  We are completely no contact for good... .as we know if we talk we will just end up right back where we were... .again... .and again... .and again.  No more lies, no more deception, no more mistrust, no more heartache.

[Teereese]

Hello Confusedshell,

You are dealing with a lot of emotions in the aftermath.

It is a process and there are ways of working through it for yourself. This site is a great start.

I can relate, as my marriage was 22 years. I saw such potential and greatness in my stbxh. It took me years to come to the realization that I was fighting a losing battle with a sick being. We went to therapy, he went to therapy.

Unless he does some serious work with a competent therapist, he will never be able to have a healthy relationship. He is not willing.

I lost myself throughout the relationship. I allowed myself to be isolated.

I have found renewed interest in past hobbies, reading, working on myself. I have teenagers, so they keep me busy and provide plenty of distraction. I have learned to lean on family and friends. I am enjoying spending time with friends. I am going back to being me.

You are a smart and strong woman.

[C.Stein]

I saw such potential and greatness in my stbxh. It took me years to come to the realization that I was fighting a losing battle with a sick being.

Perhaps this is one of the things that makes it so hard to let it go.  We see the amazing potential in the person, but the BPD just keeps getting in the way of them realizing that potential.