Question about anger

[Neveralone]

Just wondering how many of you have an SO that has bursts of anger when theyre upset. My husband can tell when it is coming on sometimes. Usually He runs off in anger also.  On some posts it seemed that it is not always anger with some. I guess I want to know how many of you experience the outbursts with your SO and how you deal with them? And are there other ways that your SO reacts without anger that I need to look out for?

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[ChangingOfTides]

Well, with my BPD wife anger is the main defense mechanism. It took me some time to really understand that.

I Imagine it like this: that instead of being able to feel really sad, afraid, frustrated, tense or hurt and experience and express just that,

you only have anger as a way to deal with and express these negative emotions. Anger is a protection layer, its the only emotion that gives you strength and it externalises the issues underneath.

It puts the strong negative emotions outside of them, often wrongfully targeted on a person who may not even have (deliberatly) caused these emotions to begin with... .

It often is the the angry child inside that is trying to protect itself... .Looking to the world with only the bad that happened in their childhood as reference... .

[Chilibean13]

Anger is my H. Main and go to emotion. It gets worse when he is anxious. He will be fine or maybe a little high strung and something minor will hit him funny and he blows up.

The thing I'm seeing that works best is asking questions about the exaggerator statements he makes while angry and staying really super calm. When I stay calm I can see his mind searching and switching and trying so hard to get me to react emotionally. Today he even said. "usually you would be crying by now trying to make me feel guilty". I laughed to myself because he was right and it was driving him nuts that he couldn't get any of his reasons to attack me to stick. In fact at one point he just sat down and stopped talking. It was eerie. I just walked into another room and started doing my own thing while he figured out his own crap.

Here's what our arguments look like lately:.

today he says, "Your motivation was to get me to do what you want!"

Me: Doesn't everyone try to get others to do what they want? Isn't that just normal human behavior ?

Him: yeah. I guess so.

Goes on to a new argument:

Him: you just said that so you can make me out to be an a**h***.

Me: When did I call you that?

Him: you didn't say it but you think it

Me: you can read my mind?

Goes on to next argument

[SurfNTurf]

Oh yes, anger is just about the only emotion you will see from them, expressed in various ways that work for them. They will rant, they will rage, they will give you the silent treatment, they will craftily set you up for a disappointment on purpose to get even with some perceived slight. It isn't about you; they would treat any partner this way.

The best I can offer you is to read the lessons, read everything you can about BPD, there are good reads on this site, and good books (see the book reviews thread.) Just let your brain take in the info like a sponge. You don't have to act on any of it, just ponder it a bit. Then little by little, you can do whatever you feel you are able to do to take care of yourself. From this, either (1) their anger won't bother you so much anymore, b/c you get to the point where you feel sorry they are so mentally ill, or (2) you get to the point that you want to exit the relationship, and/or (3) you develop a full life on your own, with or without them.  Take care.