How do I learn to be happy alone?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I don't understand what sets me apart so much from others or I would fix it.  I am college educated, decent looking and earn a good living. I go to therapy, and try to fix my faults.  How do I build a new life being so isolated?

[Beach_Babe]

I don't understand what sets me apart so much from others or I would fix it.  I am college educated, decent looking and earn a good living. I go to therapy, and try to fix my faults.  How do I build a new life being so isolated?

[Turkish]

The traits you list don't sound like you're out of the distibution, nor do they sound isolating in and of themselves. What do you think isolates you, aside from what you said? What do you think you may do to isolate yourself?

[unicorn2014]

Hi beach babe. I don't know your story. How long were you in a r/s with a pwBPD ? When did you break up?

[Beach_Babe]

I feel incapable of dating, making friends. No matter what I do people just reject me, I can't stand it anymore. My ex was obese, disgusting, cruel  and lacking in the most basic manners  (or even hygiene). But the societial shunning is even worse. Im always the person that people  use when there is nothing better (then later drop like a hot potato). Or, I get the Good Samaritian that sees  me as their good deed.  I guess what i'm saying is I attract a lot of dysfunction. It's possible I scare "normal" people away.   If I could figure out how to correct these things I would move forward a lot faster. Ive just become so jaded I shy away from people.

[unicorn2014]

Beach babe have you read the recommended book about loss? I read it as preparation if I decided to leave my relationship with my pwBPD. I decided to stay but I did find that book useful.

How long ago did you leave your r/s?

Did you post much on the leaving board?

[Beach_Babe]

Hi unicorn! We were together 14 years. He dumped me six months ago for another woman.

[unicorn2014]

I am sorry beach babe.

That book was useful. I checked it out of the library. When I dumped my bipolar husband I did a divorce recovery workshop for a year or two. Have you checked to see if anything like that is available in your area? It didn't require that people be married. It sounds like your ex was a bad dumper. I feel for you.

   :'(

[Beach_Babe]

Are you referring to "the journey from abandonment to healing?"

That must have been tough dealing with a bipolar spouse. Was he BPD as well?

[unicorn2014]

Yes that book.

He was an addict and had sociopathic traits. I am beginning to believe he had BPD traits as well. When he is defensive or verbally abusuve I can't tell him apart from my fiancé . In fact he makes my fiancé look healthy.

I just realized tonight he may have been using the whole time we were married. I thought he relapsed when our daughter was 3 but now I'm beginning to think he may have been using the whole time. I have worked a program of recovery around his drug use  for 12 years. It's how I found the strength to divorce him.

[eeks]

I feel incapable of dating, making friends. No matter what I do people just reject me, I can't stand it anymore.

What do you mean by "reject you"?  What specifically do they do that lets you know you're "rejected"?

But the societial shunning is even worse. Im always the person that people  use when there is nothing better (then later drop like a hot potato). Or, I get the Good Samaritian that sees  me as their good deed.  I guess what i'm saying is I attract a lot of dysfunction. It's possible I scare "normal" people away.   If I could figure out how to correct these things I would move forward a lot faster. Ive just become so jaded I shy away from people.

I understand how having hurtful experiences might cause you to shy away from trying again.  I want to help, but one difficulty with your question "how to correct these things" is that we can't see you, can't interact with you.  We can only rely on what you tell us, and... .social interactions are complex and nuanced, and very often people aren't aware of their own actions (I'm guessing that's why they videotape people who are learning public speaking so they can watch themselves).

That said, I am kind of curious, you say you attract dysfunctional people, so do you think it's possible that you meet more "functional" people but you're actually rejecting them and not aware of it?

Also, I think it can't hurt to work on your self-esteem.  You mentioned you are seeing a therapist?  It can take a while, but therapy should be helping with that, and you should feel a relationship of warmth and trust with your therapist, a connection that helps you feel better, even if it's not the same as having friends.

Have you talked to your therapist about these feelings of isolation?  What does he/she say?

[Freeatlast_1]

Beachbabe

I say work on your self esteem, work out, and try to be happy independently of others. People will sense the energy of a confident independent and complete person. You will then attract people who are healthy because you won't accept to be disrespected, lied to, cheated on, and yelled at... .you probably will repel a BPD r/s. I think I was very unhealthy when I attracted my ex. I was codependent... .which is a magnet for BPDs... .

[Suzn]

If I could figure out how to correct these things I would move forward a lot faster. Ive just become so jaded I shy away from people.

I first met my T after my breakup from my exBPDgf. I was codependent which meant I really didn't know how to have healthy relationships and this included friendships. She told me it was best to foster one or two (at the most) friendships into more healthy relationships (friend-wise). My history was to give too much in order for people to like me, I had low self worth. Healthy relationships are reciprocal and if we aren't used to that it takes some practice. I had to learn a balance with give and take. It's really OK not to have an entourage of shallow, unhealthy friendships. If we can't have healthy friendships how can we expect to have other healthy relationships?  

Maybe it's a good time to embrace some of the time you have alone to get to know you. Who are you? What do you like? If you had an afternoon or a day off and could chose what you enjoy doing, alone, what would it be? Asking yourself questions like this often can help you turn your focus inward, getting to know you and setting aside time to do things just for you, alone, can help grow your self worth. Why? Because you took the time, you gave yourself "me" time. Invest in you.