The other side of being in charge of the "house and kids"

[Notwendy]

I have mentioned before that the divisions in roles have been pretty defined from the beginning. I don't mind really, except for the fact that the disconnect in communication makes the division feel wider. Our family has often felt like two entities: H, and "me and kids".

My H works very hard and is the chief wage earner. I am grateful for that. However, he has also taken the position that his "having to work" either gives him more power in the relationship, or that he is alternately the one most dis empowered- the victim of his job, while we get to not work as hard as he does, or we get to do things he can't. If I ever brought up issues, it was " well who works harder" "you get to enjoy the kids and I don't"... .forget the fact that even asking him to wash a dish or change a diaper would result in him being angry.

So, I basically took on the role of parenting the kids. Which over the years has resulted in me being the main person to make plans with the kids, keep up with their activities, homework, school, and other events. I can imagine the dads on this thread thinking what's wrong with that?

Well nothing really, except it just occurred to me that being the middle man between him and the kids can be an enabling position. Now, if he isn't completely informed, or plans change, then he gets to blame me for that. So he gets to be uninvolved and then not responsible for that. And I have been enabling this the whole time. 

  This moment occurred when, a while back, H asked me if there was anything going on at the time with the kids as he was asked to take on a work assignment. At the time. there was nothing and he took on the project. Now, something has come up and he will have to miss it. I literally found myself panicking when I told him- because I feared he would blame me for it. I ticked him off by asking him if he understood that I had no prior knowledge of it. It was my fear talking.

Nothing happened, and it didn't escalate, because I went off to be in another room. I was really anxious. Partly for in the moment. While sitting in the bedroom, I imagined myself crawling under the bed, to hide- something I had not done since I was a kid- and then I recognized that this is what I did, when I knew my mother with BPD was angry with me, and that I had played this out so many times with my H- trying to make his world as calm and not to upset him, just like mom.

We have made a lot of progress, but this tells me I still have work to do on not enabling and feeling responsible for things I can not predict or control, but I can't help but wonder if I will get blamed for that. Thankfully, I have better tools now, but old feelings are hard to change.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[sweetheart]

Notwendy I want to say that I hear what you are saying, and sometimes though the feelings that we experience with our SO belong somewhere else. I know this is true for me.

The sense of wanting to crawl under the bed, is not about your h. It is as you became aware about your relationship with your mother, emotions triggered by to me an ordinary communication with your h. The intensity of what you felt was coming from your past, not the 'here and now.' I know you were aware of this.

What is important to do for many of us, is to separate out what belongs where. Your feelings sound intense and overwhelming in that moment and it is to your relationship with your mother that I would look to process these emotions instead of your h.

Perhaps that powerful sense of enabling was triggered because there were similarities in the incidence with your h, it does not mean that you are or have been enabling him.

You describe in your post fairly typical role division within a family set-up that myself and I suspect many others on here will recognise. This is how many many families live and function together. It does not sound as though anything pathological is going on to me.  

[formflier]

 

Notwendy,

Solid post.     for trying to understand what and "how" you are feeling things.  Now you have the power to "nudge" those feelings and "ways of feeling" if you want to nudge them.

I see huge good things here. 

He asked... .  I think there are lots of guys out there that wouldn't.

Boy... .you may be enabling things between you and your kids.  Might want to define enabling a bit more.  I'm not seeing that as a bad thing.

It is what it is.  Someone has to be the gatekeeper... .and that gatekeeper has to have a "big view" of thew world for the kids to understand that if we spend time on x tonight... .y might suffer tomorrow.

Doesn't mean we can't do x... .just means that the issue needs to be considered.

How do you deal with "who works harder" now? 

I would refuse to discuss that... or simply validate that he does work hard... . 

There is a quote that says "Comparison is the root of unhappiness... " (from memory... .I think I got the gist of it)

Something from my story to relate to this. 

There have been some lovely communications from my wife lately about my disabilities and if I am "able bodied".

Out of nowhere the other day it came up again... .and her point was "stuff happens... you get over it"  "I had to birth 8 kids, it was painful and I'm not the same after it... I learned to move on and so should you... .

I tried to validate that birthing was painful and hard... .and I completely ignored the implication that because she could "move on" from giving birth... .that I should be able to "move on" from any of my disabilities.

I'm sure giving birth was hard.  I was there for all of them.  About passed out a time or two (it was rough on me too... )... .but... at the end of the day... .it's not comparable to anything I have ever experienced... .

Same with "traditional" families. 

The lives of a husband that works and a wife that works as a home maker are not comparable.

Note:  For those that are new to my story... .I've lived both sides.  Currently the stay at home dad... wife is working... .and fair to say I am getting my a$$ handed to me in my attempts to keep the house together.  Being a homemaker is hard stuff... .takes a completely different skillset than working a traditional 40 hour week.

FF

[Notwendy]

I hear what both of you are saying. I understand that the division of labor is a necessity, something that happens in many families. I have really embraced having this role with my kids.

I think the parallel between the feelings with my H and my mother is in the inevitable imperfections of being human, and being held to superhuman standards- blamed for things I could not possibly do or predict.

My response to the comparison part "who works harder" is not from me. It was from my H using this as a power stance. In the past he had belittled me for that. He has recognized this and is trying to change. It is hard to get over the sting of some of the things he has said to me.

I think I should make the distinction between responsibility and blame. I embrace the responsibility of the home and kids, but the enabling part is that, if he doesn't participate in decisions, then when I make them, he can blame me for them when things don't work out, even if they are not under my control. These have at times been irrational.

I think the key issue here is fear. Fear of being blamed for something I had no control over. This was a recurrent theme with my FOO which I carried out in my marriage. The crazy part is that, it seemed normal for so long that I enabled it in my marriage- allowed my H to project his anger and disappointment by blaming me. I need to own that it is my fears from childhood that I play out now. It plays out in our current roles, however, I think even if we didn't have those roles, it would play out in some other way. So I agree with Sweetheart, that the roles are not necessarily different is that the issues in out marriage play out in this framework. My fantasy would be for me to say "honey, I am so sorry this think came up unexpectedly, I did the best I could" and have the response be something like " I know, I'm disappointed but I understand that you did your best" instead of an angry grumble.

It isn't that I can't make a mistake or be "blamed" for something, but with both he and my mother, the "punishment" would be far in excess of the "crime". For instance, asking him to help with the dishes would result in an angry outburst or the ST for days. Likewise, leaving a toy out could also trigger a rage with my mother. It seems that my fear response began with my FOO, but continued in my marriage. My H no longer does this, a result of a lot of hard work, but it's still obvious to me when he is angry.I  had the "flashback" almost like a milder form of PTSD.