please help. i feel like im loosing my mind

[blackorchid]

hi

my unBPDp had a major dysregulation 7 weeks ago. He packed up and left our apartment.  then followed an agonizing month where i was blocked on every platform : cell number and social media.  Since then he has come back a few times to talk at night always when drunk.  He then says it didnt mean anything because he was drunk.

the trigger of the dysregulation was me saying that his dad could not move in and not being a good enough hostess when his dad came to stay.  he told me that i should go and apologize to his family.  I did so relunctantly on wednesday.  On wednesday night he finally started to come round.  he said that i had made him happy that night.  he called me by my pet name. Yesterday we were slowly making steps to be better again.  He wanted us to go away this weekend but i said im working i cant get it off at such short notice.

today i have no idea what has happened. i called him he wasnt happy that i called him.  i messaged him.  he got angry.  reverted back to saying we are finished. leave me alone. i dont want any relationship with you and much more.

this ended up on me once again having my cell number blocked.

:'( :'( :'(

i feel like i am on  a never ending merry go round.  we circle and circle and circle and when he begins to show signs of calming down of being "himself" again he pushes against me so hard and leaves me standing in the cold again.

if  tell him that it upsets me its like he pulls away from me more

i honestly have no idea what to do anymore

is this even BPD or am i clinging to the possibility of him having BPD because I am in fact the insane one who for some unknown reason wont let go of him

i never realised there were so many ways a heart could break

feeling alone and desperate this evening. please people give me your honest advice and help

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[an0ught]

Hi blackorchid,

feeling like out on limb left there hanging and not knowing what to do 

the trigger of the dysregulation was me saying that his dad could not move in and not being a good enough hostess when his dad came to stay.  he told me that i should go and apologize to his family.  I did so relunctantly on wednesday.  On wednesday night he finally started to come round.  he said that i had made him happy that night.  he called me by my pet name. Yesterday we were slowly making steps to be better again.  He wanted us to go away this weekend but i said im working i cant get it off at such short notice.

today i have no idea what has happened. i called him he wasnt happy that i called him.  i messaged him.  he got angry.  reverted back to saying we are finished. leave me alone. i dont want any relationship with you and much more.

He is super sensitive. He suggested something and got rejected. There may have been good reasons from your side but from his point it does not change a bit: He got rejected. Next time you interact with him you may want to validate hurt, rejection, abandonment, him taking initiative and then frustrated etc. and bite your tongue explaining/justifying your rejection. Validation and SET are your friends.

You got more than a BPD problem you got also an alcohol problem. The combination of the two is very hard as alcohol erodes boundaries and can make people also more sensitive. It would be good to seek interaction when he is sober and avoid it when he is drunk. The latter being tricky as he is so rejection sensitive. Weekends may be more problematic than weekdays where he has some external structure that stabilizes him.

i never realised there were so many ways a heart could break

 

Wherever this goes - it will be a long road. Taking good care of yourself is important. Watch the basics like food, sleep and interaction with healthy people.

[AsGoodAsItGets]

Would consider he is seeing someone, BPDs leave onlt when ample supply is avalible, yet the new person probably has strong boundries, why he sees you when drunk.  Good luck healing.  Love is a hard habit to let go even when its toxic.

[babyducks]

Hi blackorchid,

I've read most of your posts here.  I know you have been struggling with this for a while.   You mentioned previously that he has packed and left before.   That is very hard to deal with.

I like what an0ught said about taking care of yourself.  I think what is true for all of us, for any of us, is that living in dysfunctional conditions for a period of time takes a toll.   It wears us down, our self esteem starts to erode.  And we start to question ourselves.  that's a natural reaction to some of things we are exposed to, the rage, the push/pull.

what can be helpful is to invest in our own health to counter balance some of that toll.   eating well, sleeping, exercise, getting professional help if we need it.  and coming here and working on those Lessons.

please people give me your honest advice and help

start small.   very small.   do the one thing today that will make life better for blackorchid.   if's walking around the block for exercise pick that and go ahead and do it.     and then tomorrow pick another small thing that will make life better for blackorchid and do that.  maybe that is working on Lesson 4, reading it, posting about it, what ever works for you.

an0ught was right, this will be a long road.   whatever your bf does or doesn't do,  the best advice I can give you is to encourage you to work on you.   you are worth it. 

'ducks