The silver lining of being a child of a BPD - do you have it ?

[HappyChappy]

A member of staff made a surprising confession to me the other day. He’d refused to deal with an overly aggressive customer (I believe may be NPD), which is his right, but that meant I had to deal with him. So I sent a diplomatic “You’re barred” letter. Then over 3 days he called an e-mailed about 18 times trying to blame my staff. I then sent him evidence of his lies, and said we’d take legal action if he continued.

Anyway this ex-customer comes bursting into our office having upset our receptionist and marches right up to me and leans into me (I’m still seated) full of Alpha male rubbish. After this very large bushy bearded fanatic had ranted at me, I calmed him down, he accepted he was barred and left. Then two colleges start a heated debate as to who had wound this guy up (panic spreads). Here again I calmed them down, it was no one’s fault, receipt said he was angry before he got through the front door.

Several members of staff commented on how how diplomatic and clam I was, but in truth I was physically shaking at the time, and I thought he could smell it. As I get older, my PTSD has gotten worse and he had triggered me. Took me 24 hours to calm down, so I felt anything but in control. Yet my colleagues didn’t seem to notice. I mean they do notice me, they just didn’t notice I was scared (Note to self; buy brown trousers). I had a light bulb momement. Walking on eggs shells with two extremely aggressive BPD/NPS is probably why I can chose the right words and be good in a crisis. If pushed I can be extreamly diplomatic (can't be bothered most days). I note most posters on this forum are  suprisingly diplomatic and unjudmental. High levels of empathy. And the Moderators are pure class in that deparment (Kwamina et al.) I don't know another forum that comes close to that (so well done forum). I was known as the King of the Mexican stand off at school, which is also pretty useful. So I write this to see if anyone else can see a silver lining to the abusive childhoods we endured?

Anyway, back to the confession. He was saying his Dad was alcoholic so he goes to pieces when someone lays on the physical aggression. Yet I though he was Mr Cool. He confessed to me because he thought my BPD mom is also alcoholic. I’m NC so my BPD mom has ranted at my staff a couple of times. Didn’t have the hart to tell him she’s like that sober But light bulb moment #2  I remembered my first girlfriend had an alcoholic Dad, in fact pretty much every close friendships I have had has been with people that have experienced  abuse, either from parents of from prejudice (racism etc... .). But I have been lucky to have excellent relationships outside my FOO, so that's also silver lining.  It’s funny how everything maps together once you discover what BPD is all about. So I was just wondered, can anyone relate to this connection it gives us or to the silver lining ? I'm hearing "Yeah right Happy, have another beer or something". But do I value your oppinion.

[Sarah girl]

I totally agree with you. The insightfulness of the members of this board really stood out to me at first. I've never come across such an articulate, thoughtful and intuitive bunch of people. It's the first time in my confusing life that I explain my experiences and people actually understand exactly what I mean and have lived through the same thing. So glad I found this place.

Yes, there is indeed a silver lining to being the child of a pwBPD. The disconnectedness that is the result of my PTSD is the thing that allows me to stay calm in the tesnsest of situations. People often comment on how "together" I can remain when everything around me is utterly chaotic. It helps a lot at work. I'm the one who has the "difficult conversations" with employees who have professional development issues, for instance. After living with my mom, that's small potatoes.

The sensitivity and empathy developed by dealing with a pwBPD also go a long way. A lot of us had to fend for ourselves so we can be quite self-sufficient and resourceful. I know it's a double-edged sword, but at least there are some redeeming aspects. Thanks for pointing it out!

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Happy,

I can also relate to your thoughts. I had a similar moment this week at work, in which I had to gently lay down the law while on the phone with a client. They came into the office about 10 minutes later, ready to fight. I was deemed the one to deal with the difficult woman. Her SO was basically okay but she was a b****. I remained calm outwardly, that steady deep rooted tree in front of a hurricane type of person who has been repeatedly rude to almost all the office staff. Afterwards my co-worker said, "You handled her so well. I wouldn't have been so nice. You are so calm and kind to them."  To which I replied, "I may look calm on the outside, but inside I'm shaking," and I literally was trembling inside. This type of scenario (strong controlling women) are so triggering for me because they are just like my uBPDm. My T has mentioned that I'll probably always struggle with this type of female to a certain degree.

After the whole scenario played out and I was sitting trying to collect myself and slow my beating heart and flushed skin, I was thinking how there is most definitely a reason why I remain calm in such settings. It is clearly because I was so accustomed to needing to stand there and take the abuse, absorbing the same hurricane force winds of verbal and emotional abuse over and over again and never being allowed to run away. We default into our survival mode, yet to others we are calm and collected. That is indeed a silver lining for us, having the outward grace to calm a raging storm or at least to not add more to the tempest.

Wools

[Kwamina]

Hi CoolChappy

Sounds like you handled this difficult situation very well

Given your history, it is normal to be affected by things like this, the good thing is that you now also have developed new coping mechanisms to help you stay calm and focused. These mechanisms have probably become second nature, you don't even really have to think of activating them, they kick in automatically when needed. We could say this is your crisis mode. Feeling scared is actually a good thing I think, that means that you are fully aware of the potential dangers. Yet you were also able to stay calm and focused, not run away from your fear or act destructively on it but handled the situation in a constructive manner and dealt with the difficult situation as it was Great job and you've also set a great example to your colleagues and also the members here.

I had a light bulb moment last year that I posted about a few times. I was dealing with an extremely difficult boss/colleague at work who's behavior was growing increasingly problematic. And then all of a sudden it hit me, I could clearly identify the FOG in his behavior and recognized his strong NPD traits. From that point on I started applying the techniques I've learned here such as D.E.A.R.M.A.N., J.A.D.E. and B.I.F.F. and surprise, surprise, I found out that this colleague couldn't handle it at all. He is an extremely poor communicator who clearly wasn't used to people standing up to him and was shocked. I experienced it all, verbal initimidation (via e-mail), extinction bursts, victim role etc. but I just maintained my position and kept repeating it over and over again. In the end he realized he couldn't get anywhere with me anymore and made a sort of 'apology' (not heartfelt at all). Another thing that came out of this was that as a result of his antics, his narcissistic, abusive and controlling side was also clearly exposed to others.

Thanks for your kind words about the members of this board. I totally agree with you, I've met a lot of amazing members here who've greatly inspired me, including you HappyChappy! There is a lot of love and understanding here which really helps with coping and healing.

[unicorn2014]

Hi Happy, you are fortunate you didn't develop a personality disorder yourself. I think it has to do with temperament, that determines how well we handle being the child of a parent with a personality disorder and whether or not we develop a personality disorder ourselves. I have yet to find my silver lining yet, as I am just beginning to look at the personality disorder traits in my parents. (Up until very recently it was my partner who got all the attention for BPD behavior.)

[HappyChappy]

I can also relate to your thoughts.

Wools

Me too. You are obviously a Larma of great integrity, you're not the Dalie Larma are you ?

Hi CoolChappy

loved your story about your Narky boss, always good to know these acronmys work in real life.

I totally agree with you... .I know it's a double-edged sword, but at least there are some redeeming aspects. Thanks for pointing it out!

Got me thinking, the double edge sword can mean as good as we are at being diplomatic and tolerant to this sort of nonsense, we also need to remember to pull the plug on it before it becomes too abusive. I read that diplomatic teachers that try to be fair to their Narky students, burn out much faster (i.e. fall ill or leave) than the no nonsence, autocratic (i.e. essentialy more Narky) teachers. Same is true in most forms of people managment.

[GreenGlit]

Hi Happy,

I love to see threads like this! Sometimes I think we need to talk more about how our lives are good, since relationships with BPD people can really get us down in the dumps sometimes and obscure the many happy things going on.

I do relate to your idea of handling difficult situations with diplomacy and having high levels of empathy. As a child of a uBPD mother, I was constantly putting aside my emotional needs and being super vigilant of my mother's needs. I became a master of hiding my feelings and doing whatever I needed to do to stop her raging. While this led me to have some difficult adolescent and college years, I have found that as an adult, I am very self-aware, but more than that I have a pretty awesome ability to read other people. My husband always seems to be amazed when I'm able to so accurately predict a friend's behavior, or how I'm able to diffuse awkward or tense situations with grace. I think it is largely because I did something similar with my mother every day of my life.

I also have found that some of my closest relationships are with people who come from abusive backgrounds. My husband had an alcoholic father. My best friend had a physically abusive father. Go figure. I guess we can understand each other!

I think survivors have a special ability to live their life with purpose. I grew up in a chaotic house, and every day I spend with my peaceful husband, I'm immensely grateful. Every discussion I have with a friend that doesn't involve yelling, I'm so happy that I have been able to build some tranquility in my life. I had a lot of happiness taken away from me as a child, so I work very hard to make as many moments of my life happy and peaceful as possible. My husband has a similar outlook and I think this is what makes us so compatible. He asked me one day, ":)o you think other couples love each other as much as we do? It's hard to believe." I think the answer is "yes," but the quality of love is different. When we spend time together, in the back of our minds are those sad and dark memories of days we spent sad, crying, and alone - and it makes these bright days much brighter. I have to say, I'm very grateful for that.

[Charlie3236]

Soo true! As difficult as it is sometimes, we are truly blessed with so much! Thank you for pointing out the positive, I don't see a lot of that.

[HappyChappy]

Soo true! As difficult as it is sometimes, we are truly blessed with so much! Thank you for pointing out the positive, I don't see a lot of that.

You just reminded me, we BPD children are also very agreable. There's a Monty Python comedy sketch about paying to argue with someone. I wonder if a BPD would pay for arguments ?