Do BPDs Ever Split Amicably?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Has anyone ever had an easy divorce with a BPD?

[KaishaMikasa]

Has anyone ever had an easy divorce with a BPD?

[Turkish]

We weren't married. We had two small children. I owned the house. It was 4 months before she could move out comfortably. She was in another r/s. As tough as it was, especially with she phoning it in" as a mom to then D1 and S3, I made it due to a number of factors:

1. Support and advice here.

2. Support from the couples' counselor she abandoned me to after one joint appointment (she lied to him about cutting off the affair).

3. Mixing both Leaving and Staying lessons to minimize conflict. If you're pursuing divorce, you'll have a r/s with your kids' mom for the next 17 years, parenting.

I prepared for the worst, but as maddening as my Ex painted me grey, then later white (based a lot, I think, that I didn't stoop to her level, of emotional immaturity in public), I viewed it as business: the business of getting her out with minimal difficulty. Though not legally required to, I paid her "severence" seed money. I made the down payment on her new car, having lost money on the down for the SUV I bought her as I later found out she was already cheating.

I "let" her pursue her r/s as I planned. I convinced her to sign the custody stipulation, which was fair, months after she didn't want to sign anything. With children, trust nothing they say. Protect yoursellf; protect the kids. Through all of this, I had to divorce myself emotionally from the drama and look at it as business. Validating her as needed, even while silently screaming inside. I also spent a lot of money going to the T. In part for me, partly to document,.and later to document that I was doing so for the kids (my Ex used to talk about the "divorcred moms" from which she got advice... .no effort to seek objective, professional help).

All in all, don't assume that you may be able to "handle" her, though you may be able to some extent. Take a look at the lessons here. Prepare for the worst, but don't telegraph anything.

Document everything. Your wife has called the police before, even if nothing came of it against you...

[ForeverDad]

Generally not.  However, everyone is different, even pwBPD, so it's hard to predict precisely what may happen and to what extent.  Most who arrive here have an exceedingly hard time of it.  Whether that's the true percentage, it's hard to say.  Perhaps it is with the worst behaviors that people desperately seek knowledge and help?

In most cases we have to end the relationship totally.  If there are shared children then there will have to be some contact but be sure to have strong boundaries.  If we want Closure, we generally have to Gift ourselves Closure rather than getting it from the Ex.

[livednlearned]

Bill Eddy says there are three levels of PD:

generally cooperative, not dangerous

not cooperative, not dangerous,

not cooperative, dangerous

Some people here had a moderate level of anguish during their divorce (usually expressed as delays), while others had harrowing and horrific experiences. If your spouse is the "generally cooperative, not dangerous" type, you may be more or less pleasantly surprised that your divorce is low-conflict. Not that it will be any easier emotionally, but you won't have false allegations and whatnot.

Eddy also says that not all BPDs are high-conflict people (HCPs), although all HCPs have a personality disorder. What classifies someone as HCP is a person who has a PD, makes false allegations, recruits negative advocates, and is a persuasive blamer. These are the people that keep many of us on these boards busy   

Also, like turkish mentioned, your own skills can minimize the conflict. There is a sweet spot between passive and aggressive known as assertive approach, and that means having good boundaries, using effective communication skills, and approaching the divorce with a solution mindset. That's tough to do when you're reeling from turbulent feelings, and may be worn down and depressed from years of abuse.

How would you characterize your spouse?

[KaishaMikasa]

Not cooperative not usually dangerous.  However a blame storm snd smear campaign are possible.  I negotiate for a living and a win win would be nice.

[scraps66]

"amicable" certainly means something different to a BPD.

[enlighten me]

In a way I guess that under all the hurt I was feeling the split with my exgf was amicable. She seems to think that we are still friends.

I never outed her on her behaviour and she puts it down to that we just didn't work out. In a way we didn't work out but it had more to do with her behaviour and treatment of me. I think her tone will change if I ever confront her over her cheating and abuse. As it stands now she thinks she got away with it and that Im non the wiser.

I suppose it comes down to whether you can keep calm through it and let their behaviour wash over you.

[letmeout]

That was a very smart move! I made the mistake of outing my ex on his behavior and he has sought revenge ever since, including an ongoing smear campaign that never ends.

[SamwizeGamgee]

My yet untried strategy is to keep things as simple as possible.  I'm still selecting a lawyer, but, my instructions will be basically "no reasonable offer refused" - like selling a car fast.  If she wants to blame and accuse me, so be it.  I'll fight for the kids, but not for ego.  I think the biggest hurdle for me will be to convince my uBPDw that this is for real.  I separated (moved to the basement) in MAy, and I have been getting better and better, so that makes it feel like the marriage is better too.  So, I might have a hard time getting the point of finality across, without which, there won't be any progress.

I can always prepare for hostile and be surprised by amicable.

[livednlearned]

Sometimes it's the legal system itself that makes things harder than they need to be. Partly because the courts figure that people will just do what they're ordered to do. Which doesn't work with someone who is BPD.

So you have to apply some skills, like making sure that any type of non-compliance has a consequence. An example might be that the court order says if one of the parties does not comply, and the other party must return to court, then the non-complying party must pay legal fees. That way you don't leave it to chance that the judge will award legal fees. The judge, just like the non-complying party, will have to honor the legal document that says these are the terms of this order.

Little things like that.

And also making sure you are assertive with your lawyer. That might mean telling your lawyer to not allow any delays under any circumstances. Lots of lawyers end up being double booked, and they need to be collegial with other lawyers to help accommodate their schedules. They wheel and deal court dates all the time, and that can be really bad for us, especially if we have BPD exes who are using obstruction and delay to stay negatively engaged. The last thing you need is a lawyer who is contributing to a slipping schedule.

[KaishaMikasa]

Took an early flight home and she was not home.  Smelled like Booz when she got here and she said it will be amicable and I keep the house and the kids.  She was going to leave but was so depressed when she found out that my family and that the kids were texting me about her ___ty behavior.  She said she was not seeing anyone but admitted she was flirting with the old boyfriend.  She is staying tonight as I feel she could out s gun in her mouth tonight if she left on her own.  I know I am a sucker.  Here's the thing when I look at what she is saying she is saying she has no social life and has met only 3 people and made "social notes" on her phone.  She is seriously depressed and doesn't understand that others see her behavior as crap.

[Turkish]

It's sad to see people self-destruct so. Is she at the point where she can accept help? If she's that depressed, the worry is about you and the kids, but her as well, also because it affects you and the kids. The communication skills in Lesson 3 of the Staying tools can help. There are also the suicide ideation protocols which can be accessed by the read Emergency button at the bottom of this thread. You sound on point here, but the situation sounds really unstable. Alcohol certainly complicates matters. 

[KaishaMikasa]

Now she has left and is texting me saying I need to set my family straight on th story.  Be because she is being looked at unfairly.  Reminded here that she was pursuing an old boyfriend and actually been texting him before and after sex with me!  She has gone from weepy victim to angry queen.

[Turkish]

I wasn't in the pickle you are in,.but I had to live with her for over 4 months while she conducted a r/s with another guy from our home. We had then S3 and D1. I survived by compartmemtalizing. I did what I had to do legally, did not repay evil for evil by copying her not so subtle devaluations of me on FB , and to her friends and family. As tough as it was, I used the staying lessons to reduce conflict, and the leaving tools to detach (privately).

You've got a let of collateral here. Despite what she's doing, what's the best, logical course?

[ForeverDad]

Her comments are an insight into her thinking.  As for guns and other weapons, it would be smart to remove them and keep them secured elsewhere.

We who are in the relationships are not qualified (as would professionals such as emergency responders or mental health experts would be, neutral trained evaluators) to decide whether suicidal comments are (1) real musings or (2) manipulative efforts to bend us into certain paths.  Your spouse sounds like she could be suicidal at times but not now as the 'queen', whether she is suicidal or manipulating, it sounds like she needs professional or experienced help.  Often such efforts are rebuffed and even retaliated against so you highest priority may very well turn out to be: protect yourself and the children... .from either her actions or her allegations and retaliations.