Did I praise instead of validate via text

[formflier]

Sometimes I wonder if backstory matters... .but I'll give a bit to try to put into context.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=285343.0

above is current issue on her mind.

About a year ago my father in law decided, with my wife, that she skid steer needed work (it did) and that they would remove some components and get them rebuilt.

I said I was fine with that as long as father in law was going to be around to put it all back together.  I could help but since I was not able to take it apart... .I was reluctant to agree to being able to put it back together. (I would have been available to take apart in about a week... .if my memory serves me right)

I'm a big gearhead... .love working on stuff... .I've never removed this component before... .and wouldn't be afraid to tackle it... .but I am terrified of walking up to a box of parts and being expected to put something back together.  Terrified is a bit strong... .but... .it would take 2-3 times longer than if I had been one doing dissasembly.

Well... they take it apart and get it rebuilt.  And for about a year I've been hearing that he would be back "next trip" to do this.  I found skid steer parts in various places in the garage.  Father in law has explained in great detail his plan to put it back together... .plan makes sense.

Every time he comes in... I express readiness to work... .other stuff has come up.  Usually surrounding my wife or her mom stomping around and demanding things.

We are moving... skid steer can't move because dissambled... .I was told as much as a week ago that FIL would never touch it again... .to he was coming to put it together.

My expectation is that we will move and a skid steer will be sitting behind our house (semi-rural area) by the garage.  I'm fine with that.  I wish it were different... .but don't give it much thought.






ff wife: Hey... .My dad is just going to go ahead and drive Lisa back to tn and stay there... .He was planning on your help to put the skid steer back together but we now are back to not knowing if I am even leaving to take this job so... .its probably for the best. 8:19 AM

Me: I don't understand how you leaving and the skid steer are linked... .I'm ready to work on it. Would rather discuss this in person than via text 8:21 AM

Me: this is hard stuff to work through... I appreciate you efforts towards compromise. I'm confident we can work something out 8:22 AM

[formflier]

 

FF wife: I understand you don't understand... .But my dad was staying until I leave Tuesday night or Wednesday... .He was going to help u while here... .Now that I may not be going he will be heading back to his house to get some of his work done 8:36 AM

Me: that's his decision to make... I'm available to start working on it immediately. If he was planning on staying until Wed... .that is great... I'm able to work with him for couple days 8:40 AM

Me: I really appreciate his help on this. 8:40 AM

ff wife: Now there is no reason for him to stay. I wasn't starting a discussion with you abt it... .just relaying info he has decided 8:40 AM

Me: thank you for the information... .I appreciate it 8:41 AM

[formflier]

 

FYI

This morning I was "told" they had been planning "all along" to leave tomorrow.

[formflier]

ff wife: You are so welcome! 8:43 AM

My plan is to leave this alone and not bring up skidsteers or other issues unless she bring s them up.

I suppose I will hear once again that the skidsteer being broke is "my fault"... .I'm fine with her believing this...

Sigh... .

Anyone see a chance to validate that I missed... .I realize it won't fix anything... .  My goal is to soothe what I can... .be firm on what matters to me... without being provocative or drawing a line in the sand.

FF

[unicorn2014]

That's really tough.

One of my boundaries for myself which I violated this weekend is I will not deal with emotional issues in text. If I get an emotionally laden text I'll make a phone call. I'm trying to get to the point where I don't feel the need to react to emotionally laden texts at all, in other words to ignore them. If my fiancé needs to talk to me he can pick up the phone.

Now my pwBPD told me the reason he texts me instead of talks to me is because I interrupt him. I don't know if your pwBPD has told you the same thing? I also know in your case you need to get something done as opposed to validate a feeling.

I have to admit, I don't even know what a skid steer is. I will look it up.

[formflier]

 

www.machinerytrader.com/list/list.aspx?manu=bobcat&mdlgrp=763

That is what I have... .very handy when it runs.

It was running when wife and father in law cooked up plan to disassemble and get rebuilt.  It did need it... .but it ran.

You could use it for 10-15 minutes at a pop before odd noises started coming out of a gearbox.

I asked some mechanics that I trusted if I was making it worse by continuing to use it... .the answer is no.

If the gearbox failed... .the answer is to rebuild it... .

So... .wife and daughter decide to help... .and the machine has not moved in over a year.  There have been times when jobs I spent a long time on... would have went faster.  And... yep... you guess it... I got yelled at because stuff was going slow...

FF

[flourdust]

That's really tough.

One of my boundaries for myself which I violated this weekend is I will not deal with emotional issues in text. If I get an emotionally laden text I'll make a phone call. I'm trying to get to the point where I don't feel the need to react to emotionally laden texts at all, in other words to ignore them. If my fiancé needs to talk to me he can pick up the phone.

Now my pwBPD told me the reason he texts me instead of talks to me is because I interrupt him. I don't know if your pwBPD has told you the same thing? I also know in your case you need to get something done as opposed to validate a feeling.

I interrupt my pwBPD all the time. I am a serial interrupter.

If she hasn't said anything, but she's thinking about saying something, and I speak -- that's interrupting.

If she's been monologuing for ten minutes, and she stops talking, and a few seconds later I start to speak -- that's interrupting.

If she asks me a question, and I start to answer it -- that's interrupting.

If I say something, pause for a moment, then start to say something else -- yep, you guessed it -- interrupting!

She's talked about having a signal for when we're allowed to speak. Like red and green lights at a debate. I have a feeling that my green light would never be on.

[flourdust]

www.machinerytrader.com/list/list.aspx?manu=bobcat&mdlgrp=763

That is what I have... .very handy when it runs.

It was running when wife and father in law cooked up plan to disassemble and get rebuilt.  It did need it... .but it ran.

You could use it for 10-15 minutes at a pop before odd noises started coming out of a gearbox.

I asked some mechanics that I trusted if I was making it worse by continuing to use it... .the answer is no.

If the gearbox failed... .the answer is to rebuild it... .

So... .wife and daughter decide to help... .and the machine has not moved in over a year.  There have been times when jobs I spent a long time on... would have went faster.  And... yep... you guess it... I got yelled at because stuff was going slow...

Have you considered getting some mulch and flower seeds? If it won't run, it looks like it would make a lovely planter. You could have a bet with yourself to see if it gets fixed before the buds bloom.

[formflier]

 

Interrupting.

The "talking stick" works great... .because soon the pwBPD hate it... .it's reality.

The best on is a "sand timer".  Flip it over and let the sand flow... when the sand stops... person hushes... .it's the other person's turn.

Quick story:  Interrupting and accuracy of BPD "time estimates"  was involved with me finding out about BPD.

This happen in MC.  Wife talked for several minutes straight... .I talked for a few seconds... .wife interrupted me.  I complained to MC... .wife claimed that I had been monologing and wouldn't let her speak.

MC got very stern.  We both hushed... .she gave a bit of a lecture about how "in here" we will speak the truth.  My wife started yammering a bit.  MC got her hushed.  MC calmly explained that mrs ff spoke for xx minutes without being interrupted at all, FF spoke for xx seconds before being interrupted by Mrs FF.  MC said she had a stopwatch and was timing the interaction.

Wife wigged out... .danced around and left the room... said she would never be back.  I stayed... .heard about BPD.

FF

[unicorn2014]

That's really tough.

One of my boundaries for myself which I violated this weekend is I will not deal with emotional issues in text. If I get an emotionally laden text I'll make a phone call. I'm trying to get to the point where I don't feel the need to react to emotionally laden texts at all, in other words to ignore them. If my fiancé needs to talk to me he can pick up the phone.

Now my pwBPD told me the reason he texts me instead of talks to me is because I interrupt him. I don't know if your pwBPD has told you the same thing? I also know in your case you need to get something done as opposed to validate a feeling.

I interrupt my pwBPD all the time. I am a serial interrupter.

If she hasn't said anything, but she's thinking about saying something, and I speak -- that's interrupting.

If she's been monologuing for ten minutes, and she stops talking, and a few seconds later I start to speak -- that's interrupting.

If she asks me a question, and I start to answer it -- that's interrupting.

If I say something, pause for a moment, then start to say something else -- yep, you guessed it -- interrupting!

She's talked about having a signal for when we're allowed to speak. Like red and green lights at a debate. I have a feeling that my green light would never be on.

Wow flour dust, that sounds rough. My pwBPD is not that symptomatic. Usually what happens is I don't have patience for him so I cut him off. Often we both talk at the same time. This happens when we're angry. Perhaps I should start a separate thread on it. I'm trying to work my way through the validation lessons myself. Thank you for sharing.  

[unicorn2014]

Interrupting.

The "talking stick" works great... .because soon the pwBPD hate it... .it's reality.

The best on is a "sand timer".  Flip it over and let the sand flow... when the sand stops... person hushes... .it's the other person's turn.

Quick story:  Interrupting and accuracy of BPD "time estimates"  was involved with me finding out about BPD.

This happen in MC.  Wife talked for several minutes straight... .I talked for a few seconds... .wife interrupted me.  I complained to MC... .wife claimed that I had been monologing and wouldn't let her speak.

MC got very stern.  We both hushed... .she gave a bit of a lecture about how "in here" we will speak the truth.  My wife started yammering a bit.  MC got her hushed.  MC calmly explained that mrs ff spoke for xx minutes without being interrupted at all, FF spoke for xx seconds before being interrupted by Mrs FF.  MC said she had a stopwatch and was timing the interaction.

Wife wigged out... .danced around and left the room... said she would never be back.  I stayed... .heard about BPD.

FF

Wow, thanks, the next time my pwBPD accused me of interrupting I will give him a sand timer. How long does one of those last? I will time him on my phone. He once told me he will count to 5 and if I can be quiet then he won't hang up on me. We had some really good fights this weekend all stemming from that email he sent me. I'm sure there's a lesson in there somewhere. I'm sure it has to do with validation although he says he doesn't need or want validating. Very frustrating! Thanks for addressing my comment on your thread!

[formflier]

 

Remember my comments about big picture... .and small picture?  In another thread I believe.

Here is the "big question"... .

Why fight at all?

FF

[unicorn2014]

Hi form flier, thank you for your input. I will be starting several threads this morning: on boundaries, on circular arguments. I also will be looking through the lessons on the coping board about arguing. Finally I will need to start reading the co parenting board about my former partner, he exhibits some symptoms of BPD although he's been diagnosed bipolar and is a substance abuser. Thank you for letting me borrow your thread. 

[formflier]

 

You are welcome to borrow my thread anytime... .it's all good info.

I'm curious about your answer to the question... .why fight at all?

I struggled with that question for a while... .important to have a clear answer about YOU.

FF

[unicorn2014]

Hi form flier, to answer your question I will need to start a thread about circular arguments regarding what happened Saturday. There was another argument I had blocked out and it just came back to me. I will also need to scan the coping lessons for argument.