Should I try to resusuitate, feeling weak and missing her

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

some help advice would be great as I'm still thinking constantly about my loss and been feeling suicidal this week,total despair and loneliness... my BPD exgf discarded me and replaced me 4 months ago and had no remorse and rubbed her new relationship in my face instantly after ending our 4 year relationship, I caught her out havng cheated with her work friend and I left out house and moved into my folks, she begged me back the first day I was gone but once I tried to work things out she just went no contact and said she is in love with my replacement and has no desire what so ever to get back with me, a month went by and I contacted her to say hi, she said it was really nice to hear from me and that she would love it if we could be friends, I said ok but then she just ignored me and wouldn't want to talk to me or hook up, (I stupidly thought I might be able to win her back as I loved/love her deeply despite all the cruel things she has done) I'm now aware of BPD and it all makes perfect sense, all these stories on this board are so close to my 4 year relationship, some stories are word for word accurate to her behaviour... i always thought she was bipolar and in the early stages of the relationship I tried to talk her into therapy after seeing her self harm and have episodes, she never followed thru tho, moods were very random I never knew what I was gonna get one day to the next but when it was great it was wonderful, we were so close and best friends/soul mates lovers... upon catching her cheating she told me she didn't see me as a lover and only a friend... all of this was strange because only days before she told me we should have kids soon and start a family, so... im 4 months out and cant stop thinking about her, for some crazy reason I still love her and miss her deeply, but she is in love with her work mate she said the last night we spoke, I was very hurt and said some horrid things to her out of hurt and still being in shock and trauma, and she blocked me on all online networks and blocked my phone number, I'm still haunted by the sudden cruel ending, he seems happy in her new life without me and I'm still 24/7 thinking about all my dreams and our future that was ripped away from me, and all the places we went together and memories we shared, we only hung out with eachother... now I'm feeling lonely whist she is on a high getting attention from anywhere she can get it, she is even trying to hook up with with her ex who she was with before me which was a violent relationship, she got him locked up for attempted murder after he punched her for cheating on him and being devious, that's what he told me but she told me he was paranoid and violent, anyway her I am wondering if I should email her as that's the only means left on contacting her, its foolish but I miss her, I don't know what I'm wanting out of emailing her really, its just still effecting me badly having lost 4 years and a future we had in the making, was so sudden sad

[Rickybee]

some help advice would be great as I'm still thinking constantly about my loss and been feeling suicidal this week,total despair and loneliness... my BPD exgf discarded me and replaced me 4 months ago and had no remorse and rubbed her new relationship in my face instantly after ending our 4 year relationship, I caught her out havng cheated with her work friend and I left out house and moved into my folks, she begged me back the first day I was gone but once I tried to work things out she just went no contact and said she is in love with my replacement and has no desire what so ever to get back with me, a month went by and I contacted her to say hi, she said it was really nice to hear from me and that she would love it if we could be friends, I said ok but then she just ignored me and wouldn't want to talk to me or hook up, (I stupidly thought I might be able to win her back as I loved/love her deeply despite all the cruel things she has done) I'm now aware of BPD and it all makes perfect sense, all these stories on this board are so close to my 4 year relationship, some stories are word for word accurate to her behaviour... i always thought she was bipolar and in the early stages of the relationship I tried to talk her into therapy after seeing her self harm and have episodes, she never followed thru tho, moods were very random I never knew what I was gonna get one day to the next but when it was great it was wonderful, we were so close and best friends/soul mates lovers... upon catching her cheating she told me she didn't see me as a lover and only a friend... all of this was strange because only days before she told me we should have kids soon and start a family, so... im 4 months out and cant stop thinking about her, for some crazy reason I still love her and miss her deeply, but she is in love with her work mate she said the last night we spoke, I was very hurt and said some horrid things to her out of hurt and still being in shock and trauma, and she blocked me on all online networks and blocked my phone number, I'm still haunted by the sudden cruel ending, he seems happy in her new life without me and I'm still 24/7 thinking about all my dreams and our future that was ripped away from me, and all the places we went together and memories we shared, we only hung out with eachother... now I'm feeling lonely whist she is on a high getting attention from anywhere she can get it, she is even trying to hook up with with her ex who she was with before me which was a violent relationship, she got him locked up for attempted murder after he punched her for cheating on him and being devious, that's what he told me but she told me he was paranoid and violent, anyway her I am wondering if I should email her as that's the only means left on contacting her, its foolish but I miss her, I don't know what I'm wanting out of emailing her really, its just still effecting me badly having lost 4 years and a future we had in the making, was so sudden sad

[Skip]

... .anyway her I am wondering if I should email her as that's the only means left on contacting her, its foolish but I miss her, I don't know what I'm wanting out of emailing her really, its just still effecting me badly having lost 4 years and a future we had in the making, was so sudden sad... .

It sounds like she is pretty hard on men; both you and the others... .

When they walk away from us, its not so much an issue of No Contact - it's whether we want to resuscitate the relationship or we want help from the ex in healing. I think both paths will be fraught with rejection an diaapointment.

When she says "being friends" that probably means incidental contact - holiday greetings, etc.  You have the holidays coming up and you can make some benign contact.

The bigger issue, I think, is letting go of her (for now) and getting enough emotional distance to be able to make sense of what happened and what you can learn about her and yourself.

People that ride over us and move one can really break us down.  All the hurt your feeling is the loss of something that was really important to you.  It's really hard and it hurts.

We're here for you.

[andintothefire]

It's not worth it. I feel the same things sometimes because she doesn't completely close the door and makes suggestions that "something could happen between us in the future," but if someone discards you, devalues you, and replaces you overnight then why would you have any trust for something in the future? It feels good to think about all the seemingly intense and romantic things she may have said in the past (even very recently), but actions speak louder than words. You may hold out for another high in the future, but the low will be even lower the next time around (believe me). If you feel like self-harming then call somebody/friend/hotline/doctor and get some help ASAP.

[cosmonaut]

These are really hard questions and, unfortunately, there are no clear answers.  I too have been at the point where I realized I was hopelessly lost and had no idea what was going on or what to do anymore.  It's a hard place to be - one filled with anxiety and confusion.  And of course, a lot of pain.  I know you want to find your way back home as soon as you can.  What I've come to believe, however, is that we sort of have to spend some in the wilderness.  Taking the first path we come across isn't likely to take us where we want to go.  We have to first get our bearings and then strike out in the direction we have determined home to be.  So, take a deep breath and realize that for a while you are going to be on your own in the wilderness, but eventually you will emerge a stronger man with a crystal clear destination.

Spending some time alone gives us the chance to gain some perspective.  We can take in the lay of the land.  I can't tell you what it looks like for you, but I'll give you a brief survey of what I've seen.  Maybe you will find it helpful in your own journey.  I can see much of why my relationship failed and much of it was what I was doing.  I think my ex had very good reason to leave me, and she made the right decision to do so.  In my ignorance, I had hurt her so many times.  So often she had felt unheard and misunderstood.  Too many times I had become frustrated and annoyed rather than empathetic and calm.  I spent so much time trying to fix her and not nearly enough time nurturing her to grow into her own.  I told her so often that I loved her when she so badly wanted me to show it with patience and understanding.

What I've come to realize is that I wasn't remotely ready for a relationship with a partner with BPD.  Relationships involving BPD are immensely difficult.  They absolutely require a partner who can provide stability and calm.  Someone who can be a rock within the raging sea.  Someone with incredibly empathy and emotional intelligence.  I didn't measure up when I was with my ex, and I can see that so clearly now.  If you want to rebuild your relationship then you will have to become this sort of man.  It's a challenging task, and even still there is no guarantee of success.  We must always remember that we are forming a relationship with a partner who is disordered.  But by becoming this sort of a man you can give your relationship the best possible foundation.

For now, make yourself at home in the wild.  Rushing after your ex before you are ready will only result in more pain and disappointment for both of you.  Spend some time alone.  I don't mean to become a hermit, but don't date.  Learn to be comfortable with yourself first.  To depend on yourself for your own emotional care.  To resolve your own issues and fix your own shortcomings.  Then you can decide where you are going, and what's more you'll be ready when you get there.