The Final Cut

[C.Stein]

Well, I broke down and sent a text to my ex yesterday to let her know her website was offline.  I also said I missed her, which I do more than I will ever care to admit.

This morning I got an email from her for the first time since she discarded me even though I had sent her several over the past month.  She kindly asked me to not text/call her any more because she had moved on ... .to another guy!  I am sure this happened within a month, two at most after the final discard (which was about 3 months ago).  

It felt like my heart exploded reading that email.  I certainly never expected she would move on so quickly.  It was the final cut ... .the final stab and twist of the knife into my shattered heart and psyche.  I don't think she intended to hurt me with this email, but it did and badly.  I guess I have been holding onto some hope that maybe things might work out and the knowledge that she is with another man now has devastated me.  The bridge has been completely burned to the ground.

I don't know if she physically cheated on me during our relationship, I would hope not and she said she never did, but I am relatively certain she at least emotionally cheated on me with the new guy and perhaps others during our relationship.  She apparently was talking to everyone this year except for the one person she should have been talking to ... .ME!

My gut instinct earlier this year told me something was up but I ignored it because I was so emotionally numb and depressed.  I can't say I am surprised because I had become very withdrawn and distant this year both emotionally and physically after she betrayed my trust.  She ignored the pain I was feeling and just let me drift expecting me to get over it on my own.  She never acknowledged the pain or damage she had done to me, didn't attempt to discuss it, nor did she show any remorse or concern for my feelings.  The final nail had been driven halfway into the coffin and I had hoped she would pull it out but she never did.

In retrospect I should have talked to her about what I was going through but I felt she needed to finally step up and show she could empathize and care for me and my emotional well being if our relationship had any hope of succeeding.  Knowing now that she is almost certainly suffering from BPD, my withdrawal must have been very hard on her.  As a result I am now carrying around an enormous amount of guilt and remorse with regard to that.  I expect she interpreted my withdrawal as abandonment rather than what it really was ... .a desperate cry for help.  For some reason I am regretting the decision to remain silent in spite of everything that happened.

So by all appearances while I am slowly dying emotionally she was starting to line up the next guy in the event our relationship completely failed ... .which it did when she just gave up and discarded me this summer.  We did briefly kinda get back together after that and I started having some hope again, however I left it up to her to dictate how the reconcile would go since she was the one who ended it (for the second time).  As it turns out she apparently expected me to make all the effort and when I didn't do what she thought I should have done she got angry with me.  

She has been obsessed with wanting a child lately and given the doubts and fears I had with respect to her and the kind of marriage/family we might have, I couldn't give her any promises in that regard at this time.  There were health concerns also, but those were minor in comparison.  I think this was the only reason she had been keeping me around, not because she really loved me but because she believed I would fulfil that need for family/child one day,  Sad thing is, despite my not feeling a driving need to carry on my family line, I would have built a family with her.  All she had to do was help me build the type of relationship I (and she) needed to feel secure and safe.  To build a relationship based on love, trust, honesty and respect.  One that would provide a child with a secure and healthy home and environment in which to grow into a well adjusted adult.  Once she believed I couldn't fill that need I no longer had any value to her.  The final discard and request that I not contact her any more came via text in early August.  

Over the course of our relationship she repeatedly did things that hurt me and pushed me away.  It wasn't anything near as bad as what you see many on this forum have experienced, but bad enough to erode the relationship and cause a great deal of instability.   The betrayal of trust at the beginning of this year was a month long deception that involved numerous lies, both indirect and directly to me.  What baffles me to this day is the thing she deceived me about was superficial and there was no good reason to lie about it.  To her credit she did come clean on her own which was the only reason I didn't end the relationship right then.   Biggest problem was she didn't feel she had lied/deceived me and she got extremely angry with how I initially acted.  In an instant she had become a stranger to me and I didn't feel emotionally close to her any more.  I didn't get angry with her I just didn't know how to act at all towards her at that moment in time.  Not long after the disclosure, and in spite of talking to her about this, she deceived me again.  That time I don't think she even realized she was deceiving me, which has far wider implications.  I believe it was at that point I emotionally crashed and shut down completely.

I don't think she understood what this did to me.  The one thing that had been carrying me through all the other hurtful things she had done was the belief she had always been honest with me.  When she betrayed my trust by deceiving me it called into question every gut instinct I had during our relationship that something wasn't right, that she wasn't being completely honest with me.  Unfortunately there were quite a few of these gut instincts ... .and every time I gave her the benefit of the doubt.

I just can't seem to wrap my head around how someone who claimed she had never loved someone as deeply as she loved me, that I was her future and if it wasn't me it would be no one, could so easily and quickly move on to the next guy, especially at a time in her life when she really can't afford to have distractions.  BPD or not it simply boggles my mind!  I fear this woman is headed down a road that will bring her nothing but immense sadness, pain and despair.

I guess I should be thankful that I have been spared what might have been a lifetime of emotional turmoil and pain, but for some reason I'm having huge regrets.  I can't help thinking I could have done something to save our relationship and that maybe all of my doubts and concerns about her were not that serious.  Perhaps I am just being blind and stupid?

[cloudten]

 

I know you are hurting... .I am waiting for this day myself. As much as I think I couldn't possibly hurt anymore, I know that day when he has moved on and I am stuck here isn't far off. He may have moved on already... .probably has... .its been nearly a month.

There is nothing you could have done differently to change the outcome for the better. You did the best you could. Thinking you have the ability to go back and fix something will keep you stuck... .it is part of the guilt that comes after a breakup (even healthy breakups).

What are you doing to take care of yourself today?

If you are anything like me... .this all seems overwhelming. Go easy on yourself.    Post as you need to.

[C.Stein]

Thank you for your kind words cloudten.  When the final discard happened I was still in an emotionally numb state and just tired of always being in a state of anxiety and doubt.  I wasn't happy that it was over, but I seemed at the time powerless to take the steps to try and fix it.

What she needed from me was a promise to build a family and I simply couldn't give that to her given the problems I was having with her and our relationship.

The realization that it was over didn't really hit me until about a week before my birthday at which point about 6 weeks had passed NC.  I slowly began to feel anxious again, started missing her a lot, started feeling a lot of pain.  When my BD came and went without hearing from her it broke my heart because I knew then it was really over.  Ever since my BD I have been a complete mess.  I can't seem to find the motivation or desire to do anything.  I suspect there may be some PTSD and obviously some extreme depression going on here.  

It is truly disturbing how deeply I have been impacted by this and I really don't know or understand why.  Perhaps it is because I shared a dream of a future and family with her that I have had since I was a teen.  She was the only person I have ever shared that dream with.  Over the course of our relationship she systematically destroyed us and me with her behaviour.  It took nearly 40 years to find someone to share that dream with and now she is gone taking that dream with her.  She was the one and I know deep down she was my last chance at making that dream a reality.  

I know that sounds all doom and gloom but after nearly 50 years walking on this earth and many broken hearts I have nothing left to give.  I opened myself completely to her, more than I ever had with anyone, in spite of the voice inside of me saying it was too dangerous.  I should have not ignored the red flags that were present right from the beginning, but I gave her the benefit of the doubt.

I was starting to come to terms with the loss, but today it seems like all the progress I had made is gone.  I know I need to pick myself up and stop the pity parade, it is just so damned hard given the final cut.

[cloudten]

I know how it feels to want the ex to contact you, and then they don't.  But how would you feel if she did? Then you have a whole new problem.

I can certainly understand being uncertain of children. I found myself in the same boat with my ex. I didn't want to bring children into a relationship that was so incredibly volatile. From what I have read about pwBPD, they can potentially really screw up their children. I would never want to bring a child willfully into a relationship that could torment them the rest of their lives and cause their own hardships. I simply couldn't be so selfish.  It sounds like you made a good decision in that regard.

I believe you are at the bottom of the barrel right now. I think she was not your last chance... .it simply feels that way. It truly does hurt when we open up ourselves and that person proceeds to destroy us. I know it hurts! Its okay to hurt.

I want to send you hope... .and that is so hard to do here, especially when I struggle myself.

It is important to go easy on yourself. You are going to have good days and bad days. Right now you might have more bad days. Right now, you are grieving the lost dreams... .that is totally normal. It's okay to be sad about losing dreams. Every time you think of the good times, you do need to remember- force yourself to remember- the bad times. Sometimes it helps coming here and reading what other people go through.

Speaking for myself, I have definitely been through PTSD. My hair has fallen out, the works. It is getting a little bit easier. Depression- I highly recommend seeing a therapist and a doctor. It might take a little medication for a short time to at least get you back on track and out of the depression.

Fill your diary with activities. Rekindle those friendships you put aside for her.

You might feel like you have nothing left to give. Right now, that very well may be true. But I don't think you should lose hope. I think you are in a very low stage of your grieving process. I think it does get better over time... .the general trend will be upward.

But if you focus on what you could have done differently, or if you focus on what you lost... .you will be stuck.

When you feel the need to contact her, you need to have a list of about 10 activities that you must do before you actually contact her (exercise, read a book, walk the dog, take a shower, call a friend, etc.).  I think you'll find before you get done with those activities, you won't want to contact her anymore. Sometimes, for me not to contact him or write something nasty, i just need to go to bed.

It is so hard... .just so so so hard.

I don't think it's ever to late to make your dreams come true with a healthy person... .the dream may have to change... .but it's never too late.

[OnceConfused]

CS:

I understand your feeling as you are going the stage of shocked and awed right now. But trust me, time is the best healer out there as 11 years ago I lost my wife to a car accident, then 1 yr later I ran into the crazy web of BPD and guess what, I am happily married for the past 7 years now. So it is hard to see the sun while you are in the middle of the storm.

Some of the things you can do to expedite that healing process:

1. The 13th century Persian poet , Rumi, said it well, "WOund is the crack where light enters your soul" . Look at this not as a failure nor a victory, look at it simply as a lesson from God. Look at everyone who have entered your life as a teacher. So you will have to ask yourself, what kind of lesson that my xwife or xso taught me? This way you will walk away not as a victim of her but really a victor of your own weaknesses. The lesson I learned after my wife's death was that I did not know HOW TO LOVE, HOW TO SUSTAIN A LOVING R.S. The lesson I learned from the xBPDgf was I would not let anyone who enter my life, carrying hatred, anger and negativity.

In order to know how to love, I read and read and one of the books out there is the five love languages by dr gary chapman. Then I read books from Dr. Wayne Dyer about spirituality and Staying on the Path. His words of wisdom helped me see beyond my attachment to the xBPDgf and her craziness.

2. Prepare an inventory list of your r.s. : a list of the positive things and negative things about it. This will help you see things more clearly as to why you should or should not be with her.

3. A friend of mine posed to me this question, "how do you see yourself being with her for the next 5, 10, 20 years ? Happy or upset all the time?" That question helped me see beyond my clinging to the xBPDgf as I cannot see me being happy or relax around her for the next 5 , 10 or the rest of my life.

4. The Taos said , "you gain by losing ... .". Is that true that you have lost something valuable or you have actually gained a new life?  I think you have actually gained here, not lost.

5. You are only 50  yo. Yes, you still have a lot of good life left, I lost my wife when I was 50 as well. But to me her death presented not the demise of my journey but the fertilizer for my next journey. I took up yoga and became a certified yoga teacher. I took up Tango and became a quite proficient argentine tango dancer. Instead of blaming God or the at-fault driver, I am grateful because my wife died instantly, I am grateful because she left me with 3 young beautiful and smart daughters. As you can see, there are much to be thankful for , instead of being sad.

So what can you be thankful for ? ... .

Good luck in your next journey. Trust me, It is all good.

Namaste

[C.Stein]

I know how it feels to want the ex to contact you, and then they don't.  But how would you feel if she did? Then you have a whole new problem.

She did contact me this morning via email as a result of my text yesterday to inform me about her new relationship and asked me to not call or text her any more.   This is the reason for my massive setback.  I am finding it exceptionally difficult to rationalize how someone who claimed to have a profound and deep love for me, a once in a life time connection, could move on so quickly.  The only reason I can come up with is she never really loved me at all.  She only loved the dream I shared with her and when that was gone in her mind I was nothing more than a piece of trash that needed to be throw away.  I had bonded with her on a much deeper level than anyone from my past, and I had believed she felt the same.  Perhaps it is the knowledge that it was a lie is what I am having the hardest time accepting.

I can certainly understand being uncertain of children. I found myself in the same boat with my ex. I didn't want to bring children into a relationship that was so incredibly volatile. From what I have read about pwBPD, they can potentially really screw up their children. I would never want to bring a child willfully into a relationship that could torment them the rest of their lives and cause their own hardships. I simply couldn't be so selfish.  It sounds like you made a good decision in that regard.

I understand her desire to have children and a family and at one point in our relationship I was ready and willing to go down that road with her.  I warned her in my "closure" email, which she probably never read, that she is so obsessed with this desire for a family and child that she has forgotten what it takes to provide a healthy environment for that child to grow (i.e. building a strong, healthy and stable relationship).  The only thing she was concerned with and talked about this year was family and child.  She was completely ignoring or just couldn't see what I was going through or the damage she had done to our relationship.

I think she will push this new guy towards marriage quickly just like she did with me in the beginning.  I knew better than to jump into something like marriage so quickly.  It takes time to develop trust and stability in a relationship, it's not something that can be rushed.

I completely agree with you that bringing a child into an unstable relationship is selfish at best.  Add in someone who had demonstrated to me during our relationship that she may not have the emotional heath and stability needed for raising a child just makes it all that much worse.  I really do believe she is a good person at her core and could be a great mother and wife, but not without some serious work on herself.  I had hoped she could believe in and be that person with some help and support from me.  I believe she did recognized at least some of the undesirable traits and behaviours in herself, and she expressed a willingness to work on them, but she just couldn't keep them under control.  I also let her cross boundaries that I had set in the beginning of the relationship with regard to these traits and behaviour which didn't help.

I believe you are at the bottom of the barrel right now. I think she was not your last chance... .it simply feels that way. It truly does hurt when we open up ourselves and that person proceeds to destroy us. I know it hurts! Its okay to hurt.

Oh, I have most certainly hit rock bottom and it honestly has destroyed me.  I wanted so much to believe in her and a future with her.

I want to send you hope... .and that is so hard to do here, especially when I struggle myself.

It is important to go easy on yourself. You are going to have good days and bad days. Right now you might have more bad days. Right now, you are grieving the lost dreams... .that is totally normal. It's okay to be sad about losing dreams. Every time you think of the good times, you do need to remember- force yourself to remember- the bad times. Sometimes it helps coming here and reading what other people go through.

Yes, I try to remember how I was feeling before she discarded me.  How disappointed and broken I was because she couldn't find a way to treat me with honesty and respect.  It is hard because all I seem to think of are the good times and parts of her that I miss dearly.  I'm trying to have hope, but today it is unbelievably difficult.  I'm here a broken and defeated mess while she has just gone on like I never existed.

Speaking for myself, I have definitely been through PTSD. My hair has fallen out, the works. It is getting a little bit easier. Depression- I highly recommend seeing a therapist and a doctor. It might take a little medication for a short time to at least get you back on track and out of the depression.

I'm sorry to hear that ... .I wouldn't wish this pain on my worst enemy.

You might feel like you have nothing left to give. Right now, that very well may be true. But I don't think you should lose hope. I think you are in a very low stage of your grieving process. I think it does get better over time... .the general trend will be upward.

But if you focus on what you could have done differently, or if you focus on what you lost... .you will be stuck.

I am certainly stuck and have been for a while.

When you feel the need to contact her, you need to have a list of about 10 activities that you must do before you actually contact her (exercise, read a book, walk the dog, take a shower, call a friend, etc.).  I think you'll find before you get done with those activities, you won't want to contact her anymore. Sometimes, for me not to contact him or write something nasty, i just need to go to bed.

I will respect her wishes and I won't contact her.  It is unlikely I will ever hear from her again.  Once she discards and detaches like this, it is not likely she will look back ... .and she said as much in her email.

I don't think it's ever to late to make your dreams come true with a healthy person... .the dream may have to change... .but it's never too late.

Thank you for your caring, support and kind words.  I wish she could have shown me even a morsel of the caring you have shown for a stranger ... .but she couldn't.  No apologies, concern, caring, remorse ... .nothing.  She has however been courteous to me and I do appreciate that.

I know it will get better with time, but I doubt I will ever truly heal from this.

[C.Stein]

So it is hard to see the sun while you are in the middle of the storm.

You couldn't be more right.

Since I discovered BPD and the very good chance she is suffering from it, I have done a lot of research, reading and self examination to try and better understand myself, my ex and our relationship.  I have identified parts of myself that I hadn't previously given much thought to.  These parts, particularly my white knight tendencies, make me vulnerable to woman like my ex.  While this isn't necessarily a bad thing, it becomes unhealthy when I am taken advantage of and I allow my boundaries to be violated.  This is on me.  If I had known about the BPD in the beginning the relationship would have either taken a much different course or I would have just kept it on a friendly basis.

Some of the things you can do to expedite that healing process:

1. The 13th century Persian poet , Rumi, said it well, "WOund is the crack where light enters your soul" . Look at this not as a failure nor a victory, look at it simply as a lesson from God. Look at everyone who have entered your life as a teacher. So you will have to ask yourself, what kind of lesson that my xwife or xso taught me? This way you will walk away not as a victim of her but really a victor of your own weaknesses. The lesson I learned after my wife's death was that I did not know HOW TO LOVE, HOW TO SUSTAIN A LOVING R.S. The lesson I learned from the xBPDgf was I would not let anyone who enter my life, carrying hatred, anger and negativity.

In order to know how to love, I read and read and one of the books out there is the five love languages by dr gary chapman. Then I read books from Dr. Wayne Dyer about spirituality and Staying on the Path. His words of wisdom helped me see beyond my attachment to the xBPDgf and her craziness.

2. Prepare an inventory list of your r.s. : a list of the positive things and negative things about it. This will help you see things more clearly as to why you should or should not be with her.

3. A friend of mine posed to me this question, "how do you see yourself being with her for the next 5, 10, 20 years ? Happy or upset all the time?" That question helped me see beyond my clinging to the xBPDgf as I cannot see me being happy or relax around her for the next 5 , 10 or the rest of my life.

4. The Taos said , "you gain by losing ... .". Is that true that you have lost something valuable or you have actually gained a new life?  I think you have actually gained here, not lost.

5. You are only 50  yo. Yes, you still have a lot of good life left, I lost my wife when I was 50 as well. But to me her death presented not the demise of my journey but the fertilizer for my next journey. I took up yoga and became a certified yoga teacher. I took up Tango and became a quite proficient argentine tango dancer. Instead of blaming God or the at-fault driver, I am grateful because my wife died instantly, I am grateful because she left me with 3 young beautiful and smart daughters. As you can see, there are much to be thankful for , instead of being sad.

Some of these I have already done and it does help.  I have thought long and hard and played dozens of scenarios in my head concerning what a future with her would entail during our relationship and post discard.  Most of the scenarios did not have a good outcome, but the love I had developed for her thought it was at least worth a try.  She does have some amazing qualities and I thought we could overcome the negative aspects of her personality together, but she kept slipping back into old habits.  Granted there were conditions in our relationship that were difficult for her, especially with BPD, but that doesn't excuse the dishonesty or lack of respect.  One of her go to excuses for her behaviour was "you met me at the worst time".  Worst time or not, there are things you just don't do to people, especially the ones you love.

So what can you be thankful for ? ... .

Until today I was struggling between feeling thankful that I was spared a lifetime of emotional pain, anxiety and stress, and with wanting to reconcile because I still had belief in her and a little hope that we could repair the damage.  

With the announcement today I feel nothing but great sadness, guilt and remorse.  I guess at this point I am thankful I didn't drop dead from a heart attack today ... .at least not yet.

Good luck in your next journey. Trust me, It is all good.

Thank you OC for your advice and support.

[Should I stay or...]

Hi C.Stein,

I’m sorry for the angst over the loss of your love... .

It seems by what you have written however,  that you have been in control of your own destiny all along? I, as well as you, was in a relationship with a Bp partner who had placed demands, expectations on the relationship; a marriage, a child? Mine had been married and already had two children from her previous marriage. She expressed the desire to marry again. Her desire to remarry was the hinge pin of our demise.

Earlier, in our 5 year relationship, I was so willing to do so, I had purchased a beautiful engagement ring and had it in my pocket on so many occasions ready to ask for her hand.

However, I had been married before and knew the caveats of being in an unhealthy relationship and didn’t want to enter into another marriage without knowing that we would be sustainable. And you know, as well as I, that these relationships are unstable. The most consist thing about being in a relationship with a Bp is the inconsistency. I wanted permanency and so did you! You were in control all along and you didn’t acquiesce into a broken promise.

You chose the better path for your future, it may not feel like it now, but it is…. we suffer the immediate pain but that pain subsides the alternatives would have been everlasting.

Believe in your gut.

Should

[C.Stein]

However, I had been married before and knew the caveats of being in an unhealthy relationship and didn’t want to enter into another marriage without knowing that we would be sustainable. And you know, as well as I, that these relationships are unstable. The most consist thing about being in a relationship with a Bp is the inconsistency. I wanted permanency and so did you! You were in control all along and you didn’t acquiesce into a broken promise.

Yes, well put.  I wanted to know we had a sustainable  and permanent future together without the dishonesty, disrespect ... .etc.  To be honest, I never felt secure and stable in the relationship, and I told her as much in my "closure" email.  You are right in that by not making a promise based on emotions and a desire to hold on to her,  I wisely made one based on logic and rationality.  I did control my destiny ... .and in some ways the eventual outcome of the relationship.  I can't tell you how many times since the discard that I have almost crossed that boundary.

You chose the better path for your future, it may not feel like it now, but it is…. we suffer the immediate pain but that pain subsides the alternatives would have been everlasting.

I believe you may be correct.  If I could just get rid of the "what if ... ." and the "maybe if I did ... ."  I might be able to really convince myself this is all for the best.

Thank you for your thoughts and support.

[cloudten]

Thinking you have the ability to go back and fix something will keep you stuck and is part of the guilt following the breakup.

Nothing you could have done would have changed the outcome. Nothing you could have said would have changed the outcome.  It is my firm belief that these relationships are doomed before they start. Their disfunction is bigger than the relationship.

If you keep living in the "what ifs" and "if onlys" you are going to stay stuck. Somehow, you have to internalize the fact that you did the best you could... .you did everything you could... .to make the relationship work.  You did everything you could with and for a mentally ill person. It didn't work. But you tried. Yes it is sad, but there is nothing else you could have done better or different to change the outcome for the better.

Hugs... .it does get better. Once you realize that you were powerless to improving the relationship, it really is freeing and the healing process starts.

[C.Stein]

I am stuck, but I know there was probably nothing I could have done to change the outcome and it is pointless to engage in speculation now.  If I had done things differently, perhaps it would have been better ... .or worse.  It is hard to say because we never lived together and we didn't spend extended periods of time with each other.

I am admittedly feeling a bit angry today after realizing I was lied to on several occasions about my replacement while we were still together.  It leaves me wondering if there was any honesty and truth in our relationship.  It is very difficult to discover the person you loved with all your heart has likely been more dishonest with you than honest.   I feel dirty and used.

[cloudten]

I think it is completely appropriate to feel angry and used (abused). You aren't crazy or wrong for feeling the way you do. When you have moments where you miss her and think on the good times, you need to force the bad times back to the forefront, because that is what reality was. Reality was she lied, she probably cheated, and she made you feel dirty and used. That is what you need to remember, because that is what reality actually was and is.

I'm sorry for everything you have been through. I know it hurts. Processing all of this, just as you are, is part of healing, recovery, and moving onward.

[Notsurewhattothinkofthis]

CS:

I understand your feeling as you are going the stage of shocked and awed right now. But trust me, time is the best healer out there as 11 years ago I lost my wife to a car accident, then 1 yr later I ran into the crazy web of BPD and guess what, I am happily married for the past 7 years now. So it is hard to see the sun while you are in the middle of the storm.

Some of the things you can do to expedite that healing process:

1. The 13th century Persian poet , Rumi, said it well, "WOund is the crack where light enters your soul" . Look at this not as a failure nor a victory, look at it simply as a lesson from God. Look at everyone who have entered your life as a teacher. So you will have to ask yourself, what kind of lesson that my xwife or xso taught me? This way you will walk away not as a victim of her but really a victor of your own weaknesses. The lesson I learned after my wife's death was that I did not know HOW TO LOVE, HOW TO SUSTAIN A LOVING R.S. The lesson I learned from the xBPDgf was I would not let anyone who enter my life, carrying hatred, anger and negativity.

In order to know how to love, I read and read and one of the books out there is the five love languages by dr gary chapman. Then I read books from Dr. Wayne Dyer about spirituality and Staying on the Path. His words of wisdom helped me see beyond my attachment to the xBPDgf and her craziness.

2. Prepare an inventory list of your r.s. : a list of the positive things and negative things about it. This will help you see things more clearly as to why you should or should not be with her.

3. A friend of mine posed to me this question, "how do you see yourself being with her for the next 5, 10, 20 years ? Happy or upset all the time?" That question helped me see beyond my clinging to the xBPDgf as I cannot see me being happy or relax around her for the next 5 , 10 or the rest of my life.

4. The Taos said , "you gain by losing ... .". Is that true that you have lost something valuable or you have actually gained a new life?  I think you have actually gained here, not lost.

5. You are only 50  yo. Yes, you still have a lot of good life left, I lost my wife when I was 50 as well. But to me her death presented not the demise of my journey but the fertilizer for my next journey. I took up yoga and became a certified yoga teacher. I took up Tango and became a quite proficient argentine tango dancer. Instead of blaming God or the at-fault driver, I am grateful because my wife died instantly, I am grateful because she left me with 3 young beautiful and smart daughters. As you can see, there are much to be thankful for , instead of being sad.

So what can you be thankful for ? ... .

Good luck in your next journey. Trust me, It is all good.

Namaste

OnceConfused,

These are words of Wisdom. You inspire me !

[C.Stein]

I think it is completely appropriate to feel angry and used (abused). You aren't crazy or wrong for feeling the way you do. When you have moments where you miss her and think on the good times, you need to force the bad times back to the forefront, because that is what reality was. Reality was she lied, she probably cheated, and she made you feel dirty and used. That is what you need to remember, because that is what reality actually was and is.

I can't seem to think about anything other than what she said in her email yesterday. so I let some of my thoughts spill out onto "paper".  I am debating on whether I should send it to her or not as a final communication.  It is a cold, hard, raw truth that perhaps she needs to hear.  She wouldn't take it well and it would hurt her, that is if she even read it.  I also included an I'm dead to you now and never contact me again, not that she would anyway.  Seems a little to final.

Up to this point I have tried to be very kind and caring in my communications with her but after yesterdays revelation I'm not feeling so caring.   I am angry given the likelihood of the additional lies and infidelity.  Perhaps this is just lashing out and it will serve no good purpose other than making me feel marginally better knowing she might "hear" me.  I'm not a vindictive person so it remains as a draft right now.

[cloudten]

I think you should just write her the letter and never send it. It won't do any good anyway. Just another reason for her to paint you black.

I know you want to lash out and talk back... .but you need to cut that thread... .completely. Would it make you feel better to have the final word? What if she responds?

I know you think it might make you feel better... .but it won't... .you'll either regret sending it or you'll regret her response.

I know you are hurt... .I am hurt for you... .but keeping communication open will only hurt you further.

[C.Stein]

I've drafted it but have not sent it.  Toned it down quite a bit.  It's not really about lashing out any more, I just want to be heard.  I want her to know what she did to me, how much she has disappointed me and hurt me and how much being in a relationship with her has damaged/impacted me.   I replied to her email from Monday right after I got it but I kept it courteous and short without too much emotion.

It is highly unlikely she would reply.   She may not even read it, which is a good possibility.   She has not responded to any email (4 of them) I have sent to her over the past month.  I doubt this one would be any different.

Would I feel better?  Probably not much, but I might find some peace within knowing there was a chance she might hear me.  The finality of the I'm dead to you at the end of it is perhaps a way for me to entirely let go of her ... .I don't really know.  I feel very sad when I read it.   It has been a real struggle dealing with these emotions.

[Freeatlast_1]

[I guess I should be thankful that I have been spared what might have been a lifetime of emotional turmoil and pain, but for some reason I'm having huge regrets.]

That's exactly how I feel. I am enjoying the fact that I'm free, not anxious, I actually feel healthy. But the fact of missing my ex is really sickening me when I think of it. I try my best to keep busy I forget her completely, but it's so hard because I feel so brainwashed, tricked, or scammed or whatever you want to call it. I know my ex loves me, as much as she knows how to love, which is not much. I think her love for me was more of a selfish motive, she loved the way she felt when she was with me. She felt safe, secure, and very loved. And when she felt I got a little busy with work, and didn't have all the time to smother her, she decided to walk out, not knowing how much that would affect her, which apparently effected her. Although she texted me that she is not with anybody, I will choose not to believe that. The problem with pwBPD is that the brainwashing is so bad, that Life without them is horrible for quite a long time, until your body defense mechanisms kick in, and you start coping And accepting. But the trauma was so bad that it takes a long time. I guess all I can say is we have to hang in there until we pay our dues in time, and maybe the next woman would be kinder in the future, or we should just choose wisely. But I say don't be very baffled by what happened, just be glad that you know what's going on in terms of her illness, and that you can justify a lot of her actions now.

[C.Stein]

Yes, perhaps that is true.  She liked the way she felt with me and when I distanced myself from her she went and found someone else to make her feel good about herself.   The knowledge that someone is there for her instead of me is crippling, especially knowing it started before we ended things.  I know I shouldn't feel responsible, she is an adult who freely choose to get emotionally close to someone else rather than fix our relationship.  Yet here I am still feeling an enormous amount of guilt that I wasn't there for her in the way she needed me to be this year.  

I am having a terrible time letting her go.  I feel like she is still a part of me and it's killing me knowing she is with another man and is gone forever.  Perhaps this is why I haven't sent the final email yet.  I guess I am not ready to let her go even though she has completely let me go, and quite easily it appears.  The email will irrevocably cut all ties with her forever.  At this point the door is still open and she might contact me if she needs something from me.  If I send the email and she actually reads it that door will be shut forever and she will never contact me again, that much I am sure of.

The coldness she has displayed towards me post discard has been incredibly difficult to deal with.  She hasn't shown a speck of concern or feelings for me.  The best she could do was to thank me for being her friend and for all the things I had done for her ... .that's it.  The email on Monday ... .thanks for all your caring and concern for my well being.  It's like we never shared anything special together and that really hurts bad.

A couple of days before she discarded me I was having chest pains due to the anxiety and stress.  We were supposed to meet up but she found a way to misinterpret me, then got really angry and started in with the threats to break up if I didn't go talk to her.   I told her about it at the time and asked her to stop her angry texts unless it was her intent to put me in the ground.  She did stop, however she didn't even ask or show concern for my health when I saw her couple days later and still hasn't to this day.  The intermittent chest pains had actually been occurring for a while to, most of this year.  They popped up again this week after discovering she had "moved on".

I am just so unbelievably hurt and conflicted.

[OnceConfused]

The knowledge that someone is there for her instead of me is crippling

If you truly love her, you should be very happy for her for her happiness, no matter who she is with. Isn't that true ?. 

It is hard to let go because that is the crux of our suffering as Buddha saw it. But you must, my friend if you want to continue on your life journey. BY the way, I think she is DONE with you.

You cannot sit there and think of all the good times you have had with her and hope to let go. That does not happen. You have to actively seek ways to detach :

1. Whenever your mind drifts back to her, quickly pull out your list of negatives of your r.s so you can affirm why you left.

2. Take a long walk, enjoy the beauty of the Falls.

3. Research as to what you can do or learn in the community. Take a class in spanish, find dancing class, go to a outdoor cafe to watch people, meet up with friends you have lost contact ... .

There is so much to live for . No One person cannot make or break your journey, only you can do it.

[C.Stein]

If you truly love her, you should be very happy for her for her happiness, no matter who she is with. Isn't that true ?.

Yes, it is true and I do want her to find happiness.  Yet at the same time, having experience that "happiness" with her myself, I know what she is feeling right now is not a real happiness and this makes me very sad.

It is hard to let go because that is the crux of our suffering as Buddha saw it. But you must, my friend if you want to continue on your life journey. BY the way, I think she is DONE with you.

I am trying hard to make sense of all the emotions I am feeling.  My mind is a chaotic mess right now and it has been difficult detaching from my own emotions so I can observe them objectively and let them go.

You cannot sit there and think of all the good times you have had with her and hope to let go.

You are absolutely correct. It's not just the good times, although those are the most difficult to deal with.  It is also what is happening now and the loss of the future I had hoped to experience and share with her.   When I find myself thinking of what I miss and lost, I try to remember the feelings I was experiencing prior to her discarding me and what I don't miss.  It has been difficult to see and remember those feelings through the pain of loss, but it does help.

[C.Stein]

You know, it just occurred to me how utterly disappointed I am that she was not the person I thought, or maybe hoped, she was.  In the beginning she was very honest and up front about her past mistakes and that she had learned from them.   I believed her, gave her every benefit of the doubt on numerous occasions, but over time she repeated every single mistake she had made in the past.

How does one deal with finding out the love of your life is essentially a stranger?

[Freeatlast_1]

CSTEIN I have to agree with onceconfused. I have felt that I have grown a lot after the break up. A lot of these emotions that we feel, I think stem from selfishness, and physical and emotional addiction. I don't think love, true love, plays a roll here. I know this for myself, sometimes when I feel detached from her physically, I don't miss her as much. Sometimes I long for her, because I feel addicted to her, like a drug. We had enormous passion when we were intimate, and also we had a lot of emotions exchanged, laughing, crying, etc. so I feel a lot of my longing is addictive in nature,whether I am addicted to the emotional connection, the physical connection or HER. To me true love is wanting the persons happiness before yours. Sometimes, when my addictions are at bay, I do feel that I wish her happiness, and peace of mind. I do want her to be happy with whoever she dates. Yes,I admit, I do get jealous when I think of her with others. But I still feel that jealousy in this context is very immature but indeed human. I think it takes a human being to be on a higher level spiritually to be able to disconnect from their physical and emotional reactions. Sometimes spiritual maturity develops in time, other times it may not. I guess my point is if you truly love her, just let her go and be happy. If you feel that you do not truly love her, and you might be addicted to her, then maybe that is something to be resolved.

[C.Stein]

I do hope she finds happiness, but as you probably know, happiness comes from within.  So I don't so much hope she finds happiness, but rather she can find a way to be at peace with herself and love herself.  To stop hating herself, to make some positive changes within so she can grow to love herself and find real happiness.  Only then will she find happiness and be able to feel real love.

So yes, I do love her, and perhaps this is one reason why I am having a hard time with this.  I know she is not going to find it because she is doing what she always has.  She is avoiding looking inward and instead has latched onto someone else to supply her personal happiness and love.  She is both a sponge and a mirror and until that changes she will never be truly happy or feel true love.  This breaks my heart because I know where she is headed on this new path and the sadness it will bring.  

Is there some addictive response going on with me?  I suppose yes, I do mourn the loss of the bond we shared at one time and the dream we shared.  What I miss the most however is her friendship.

[C.Stein]

Well, doing better than last week.  Still can't shake this feeling I am still connected to her, that she is still a part of my life.  It really is disconcerting to say the least.  The wet eyes are still there almost constantly, getting pretty tired of that.

It has been difficult dealing with the mess of emotions raging inside of my head.  I have been trying hard to quiet the storm and bring my anxiety levels down so I can at least focus on something tangible, both in my head and in life.

One of the most difficult things for me right now is dealing with the guilt, remorse and regret.  I know it is a pointless exercise, but I can't help but wonder if I had known about the BPD if things would have been much different.

I guess what I can't reconcile is to what extent I caused the hurtful behavior?   To what extent is she really emotionally damaged (BPD)?

Was her behaviour something that could have been avoided or would it just have manifested itself in a different way at a different time?   

If I had been more nurturing and understanding would the behavior have been close to non-existent?  If she does suffer from BPD she is high functioning.

Are things like dishonesty and lack of empathy inherent to her nature or a result of BPD ... .or is there no difference?  She is the disorder and the disorder is her?

Just struggling to understand it all, particularly my part in it all.  What aspects of my personality and behavior contributed to the relationship imploding? 

I already know some of them, but to what degree?  Certainly some of my reactions were understandable and even normal.  Then others were well ... .seemingly disordered. 

This has left me confused to some extent because I do not know what is truly a part of me and what may have been a result of exposure to her behavior.