Dealing with my mother

[Ronald Binge]

Hello everyone,

I am a fifty year old male living in Ireland and am my father's full time carer.  My mother, I believe, is uBPD though will never seek a diagnosis of that, or anything, and it is a struggle to get time to myself.  My father is in respite care this week and I am travelling to my girlfriend in Scotland tomorrow.

My mother has made strenuous attempts to control me and my brother all our lives.  He left home at 19, and moved permanently to London, where he married, has a successful career and a teenage family.  I had been less successful in breaking the ties and up until now struggled to maintain relationships with women in the face of my mother's overwhelming and constant criticism of the women in my life. Noone was ever good enough for me, and my partner has been the subject of my mother's anger, directed at me and never to her face, as my mother is an utter coward with everyone in public and is verbally abusive to me.  Of course, this verbal abuse is all my fault. Allegedly.  Challenge her and she will react with more vitriol from her endless store. 

Only for my father being so ill, I would have never come back after a year away in 2011-12, and when my father dies I will leave.  But for now I have to bear the brunt of my mother's grudges, rages, bad temper and periodic quietness. Needless to say I was browbeaten a decade ago into property investment which will take another two years to move out from negative equity. 

I feel, rightly or wrongly, that my mother invented me purely as insurance for her old age and I was brought up dealing with her unpredictable bitterness and was shoehorned into a peace keeper role in my family. 

[Turkish]

Hello RB,



It sounds like your brother escaped the unhealthy dynamic by detaching completely. It shows a let of loyalty (not to mention fortitude) to return to your parents' home to fulfill the duty of heling out. It must be maddening that no one you are ever with is good enough for your mother. If you live there, it may be hard to assert boundaries, but you have a right to do so. Do you find yourself getting into arguments with her about the women in your life, or do you let her rant until she gets tired? We have tools here which can help you whatever the situation or dynamic.

I hope to hear more and how we can help.

Turkish

[Ronald Binge]

I let her rant out but she will demand a reply and then switch to crying or endless pitiful "God help me", "what have I done to deserve this" comments. Last night she alleged that my g/f was the mother of her disabled brother. When I said calmly that my g/f would have to have been six years of age to have had him, and I would appreciate no more of that, my mother said that I always had been a great man and now I was so nasty to her, whatever had come over me.

I made excuses and left the room. An hour later, I came back, and it was as if nothing had happened.

[Confused#2]

Hi R Binge!

I sorry things are so hard for you. I wish I could offer a good solution. It sounds like you have some good instincts to not engage your mother when she is ranting. Just know that you are a good man and it is unfortunate that she does not appreciate the son who is helping her. I was soo scared I would be caretaking my mother when she got older that, like your brother, I left when I was young and never returned during her life. It is a hard path whether you stay or leave. Again, you are doing such a great thing for your father. I hope he appreciates it even though your mother can not see what a great person you are.

[Turkish]

I let her rant out but she will demand a reply and then switch to crying or endless pitiful "God help me", "what have I done to deserve this" comments. Last night she alleged that my g/f was the mother of her disabled brother. When I said calmly that my g/f would have to have been six years of age to have had him, and I would appreciate no more of that, my mother said that I always had been a great man and now I was so nasty to her, whatever had come over me.

I made excuses and left the room. An hour later, I came back, and it was as if nothing had happened.

This sounds like delusional thinking. Has she always exhibited this, or do you think it might have to do with age now?

There is a book, Understanding The Borderline Mother, which many members here find useful. See the book review here, and the quote link below will take you to the full workshop discussing the different types of mothers as defined by Lawson:

Borderline Personality Disorder can manifest itself in mutliple ways. In her book, Understanding The Borderline Mother, Dr. Christine Lawson describes four role types which BPD is exemplified by:

~the Waif,

~the Hermit,

~the Queen, and

~the Witch.

The Queen is controlling, the Witch is sadistic, the Hermit is fearful, and the Waif is helpless.  Each requires a different approach. Don't let the Queen get the upper hand; be wary even of accepting gifts because it engenders expectations. Don't internalize the Hermit's fears or become limited by them. Don't allow yourself to be alone with the Witch; maintain distance for your own emotional and physical safety. And with the Waif, don't get pulled into her crises and sense of victimization; "pay attention to your own tendencies to want to rescue her, which just feeds the dynamic.

This workshop is about identifying the BPD types and ways to cope such as:

Being Firm But Sensitive - Personal validation, which is important in any situation, is essential with a borderline parent. Express your awareness of their emotions even as you set boundaries.

Trust Yourself - Many children of borderline parents say they felt crazy growing up. They experience a lot of inconsistencies—an action or statement that earned praise one day would touch off a three-day, stony silent treatment the next—as well as sudden outbursts and overreactions.  They never learn to trust their own judgment or feelings. An important element of recovery is to accept that you're not crazy"

Trust Others -  People who've survived a borderline parent most frequently suffer from feelings of worthlessness, fear of abandonment, and fear of people in general because these adult children received "such mixed messages—you're a great person one day and you're horrible the next" — there's a certain mistrust of people because you're always afraid they're going to hurt you.

Defend Your Boundaries  - Children of borderline parents are often forced to act as the parent themselves— it's often like a child raising a child.  The children grow up very quickly in many ways and can act as caretaker for everyone, often at the expense of taking care of themselves.  An important part of recovery is to set limits for the parent, set them for other people and learn to put yourself first.

[AmMovingForward]

I completely understand.

It's all about my mother,  too, always has been. I don't know about you, but terrible guilt sets in when I ignore her, so I'll be the first to text her, sometimes she responds, sometimes she doesn't. I texted her yesterday and she has yet to respond, but she will when she feels like it, probably tomorrow.

A friend's mother passed away last week. My mother and her mother are about the same age. As I was driving today, I started thinking about her passing too, and when that day comes. I don't usually get sad, but today I did. For I know my mother will never be the mother I really needed in life, she's never going to turn into that loving and caring woman I so desperately needed to provide guidance as a young woman, one who was supportive, structured, and stable. I had quite the opposite mother growing up, and was envious of the mother's who didn't rage and criticize, who's mood towards you changed on a daily basis, but my mother did the best she could at that time, and that's what you've got to be mindful of

I've turned into my mother, now as I'm getting older,  ruining relationships left and right. Pushing those who want to get close away, while disgustedly yearning to be with those who have wounds similar to mine, who don't want me too close either. For those unhealthy people feel confortable and familiar, while those healthy relationships don't, so here I know the difference, so I choose to be alone. As painful as it is.


It'll be over one day,  and I'll never have those experiences women my age usually have experienced,  and that makes me very sad. But I know my mother was abused as a young girl, so I have forgiven her for her shortcomings. Me and my mother could've had so many great experiences together,  we're very similar,  but she would never let me get that close.

I love my mother,  but at the same time, I hate her.

Your first step in accepting this whole situation is forgiveness. Realize your mother had to go through her own crappie going on, for you see it's a cycle. It doesn't make it hurt any less, but you'll have a lot less anger,  and more peace, and that is the goal after all.

[Ronald Binge]

Yes, I have Understanding the Borderline Mother. It's been useful. My mother is a Queen with Witch tendencies, and her bad mindedness is a form of delusional thinking she has always had. She believes she can read minds and uses her religious beliefs as an excuse to self justify. Recently she has been hallucinating mute people but believes it is her blood pressure.

[Ronald Binge]

Does anyone else get their mother muttering under their breath? It's barely audible but it seems to be either prayers or highly critical remarks about others - but I've never been able to fully decipher it.