Just broke up.

[Lotus1976]

I've been dating a man for 8 months whom has treated me like a queen. He is thoughtful and kind and very helpful. He is basically everything I've ever hoped and dreamed I would find. We are very close ... .At least I thought.

I'm ashamed to say he has had ' melt downs ' about every 6 weeks. Usually the smallest of things trigger it. He changes into another person and it results in verbal attacks, accusations, using things against me. He goes from thinking I'm the best woman on the planet to hating me and pushing me away. It lasts for days but he is always the victim.

I was planning on marrying him and spending my life with him. We've been getting along very well ( like heaven really) and I thought we were REALLY doing good until 3 or 4 days ago. I chicken - pecked my neighbor and her husband goodbye after we all had drinks. The next thing I know I'm being called a slut and a b___ ... .Then I endured two days of hurtful texts with no real apology... .Barely acknowledged it was even said. He always ignores me and wants me to beg him back but I ended it instead.

My heart is broken in half. I feel intuitively and in my heart AND mind he is a very good person. I KNOW he has a personality disorder. His whole being changes and he loses control of his emotions and mouth... .

I don't know what to do. I truly love him but how would I ever forget being called those names? I also know it'll happen again. How long do these episodes last and what causes them? He said he felt ignored? It was really weird. Please help.

I've ended things and I blocked him just because my mind knows this is not gonna get better.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[unicorn2014]

Hi Lotus1976 and welcome to the staying board.   I'm sorry you went through that, it sounds really rough, and it could be  a BPD behavior he's engaging in called splitting.

I noticed that you said you broke up with him and blocked him.

Were you hoping to get back together with him?

[Lotus1976]

I guess the only way I would consider getting back with him is if he whole heartedly admitted he has a real issue and put himself in therapy immediately. I didn't even get a sincere apology. It's like he doesn't know what he says or does... .But he justify it and blows it off. His feelings are obviously real to him. It makes me sad. Like I said, I really do love him. I know he is a good person and not faking the niceness. It's obvious he cannot control these outbursts. Yet, I will not put myself in harms way again. It's gonna be hard to get back when I've blocked him. I don't want to receive hurtful texts, rejection texts or the " hope you're doing good" texts. I think if it's meant to be, it'll be. I just know I'm not trying to repair anything. My plan is to try to move forward.

If I did want to get back, I don't even know how that would look? Me reaching out ? No. The name calling and hurtful words was too much for me this time around. 

Thank you for writing me.

[Kc12]

Lotus1976,

I feel exactly the same as you. Do you feel like you could ever forgive and forget after time? Everyone tells me time heals all wounds.  My dBPDx did give me a genuine apology but I've yet to respond and I probably won't. I don't know when I will be ready or if I ever will be. I agree with you when you say 'if it's meant to be, it'll be', my friend told me that if me and my ex were destined to be together, we'll find our way back to each other one day. I'm a romantic at heart, I love that notion. Who knows what will happen in the future?

I hope you find your happy ending, whether it is your ex or not.

[unicorn2014]

I guess the only way I would consider getting back with him is if he whole heartedly admitted he has a real issue and put himself in therapy immediately. I didn't even get a sincere apology. It's like he doesn't know what he says or does... .But he justify it and blows it off. His feelings are obviously real to him. It makes me sad. Like I said, I really do love him. I know he is a good person and not faking the niceness. It's obvious he cannot control these outbursts. Yet, I will not put myself in harms way again. It's gonna be hard to get back when I've blocked him. I don't want to receive hurtful texts, rejection texts or the " hope you're doing good" texts. I think if it's meant to be, it'll be. I just know I'm not trying to repair anything. My plan is to try to move forward.

If I did want to get back, I don't even know how that would look? Me reaching out ? No. The name calling and hurtful words was too much for me this time around. 

Thank you for writing me.

You're welcome lotus. Can you please help me to understand why you're posting on the staying board? I'm a little confused by the nature of your post and how to help you based on it. Thank you 

[sweet tooth]

Lotus, I'm new to this but want to offer my insights. I recommend that you wait a few days and rethink the situation when you are in a less emotional state. That way you will be making a life altering decision with a logical mind.

Are you familiar with what happens to our brains when we are angry or upset? Our normal state is referred to as our "mammal brain." Mammals are the most highly evolved of the animal kingdom, and they are capable of reasoning. The "monkey brain" takes over when we are upset. The monkey is still capable of thinking, but not nearly as rationally as a human. Our base, negative emotions are known as the "reptilian brain." Reptiles are prehistoric animals. When we feel negative emotions, our inner reptile takes over. That's when we act impulsively and say things we regret later on.

By waiting a few days you will allow the fully rational, evolved part of your brain take over and look at the situation in a clear way. It sounds like you really love this man. I don't think that you would be in this particular forum if you truly wanted the relationship to end.

I highly recommend that you attempt communicating with him and possibly suggest marriage/relationship counseling for the two of you. In my opinion, when you love somebody it's worth exhausting all possible ways to save the relationship before throwing in the towel. However, you have to do what's best for you. I had to cut contact with people I cared about (mostly friends) because they became toxic. It can be very difficult to sacrifice somebody we care about for our own safety and well being. I wish you peace and happiness in the

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Triune_brain

[sweet tooth]

Also, Lotus, I've been seeing a woman on and off for about 7 months. There are times when she'll flat out ignore me for days or weeks. I'm currently in one of those episodes. I haven't heard from her in over 3 weeks. I understand what you're going through. I care about this woman greatly. When she has her head on straight everything is great. When she doesn't, I'm miserable. At what point do you say, "enough is enough?" It's a tough call. It makes it harder when the person acts differently at different times. If the person was ALWAYS difficult, insensitive, abusive, etc, it would be easy to dump them and move on. You hear me?

[C.Stein]

If the person was ALWAYS difficult, insensitive, abusive, etc, it would be easy to dump them and move on. You hear me?

This is so very true. 

[Lotus1976]

Thank you so much everyone. Yes I truly love him. I'm

On day 7 today after his blow up. I'm having anxiety... .Questioning if blocking him was the right thing to do. I'm still confused. I'm not fully done on my heart and that's why I'm posting in the Staying board.

I'm going on a three day retreat In another state this weekend. When I return I should be thinking more clearly. I just don't know if blocking him was wise. I just didn't want to obsess on him calling Orr not calling and not caring.

[Lotus1976]

Also, Lotus, I've been seeing a woman on and off for about 7 months. There are times when she'll flat out ignore me for days or weeks. I'm currently in one of those episodes. I haven't heard from her in over 3 weeks. I understand what you're going through. I care about this woman greatly. When she has her head on straight everything is great. When she doesn't, I'm miserable. At what point do you say, "enough is enough?" It's a tough call. It makes it harder when the person acts differently at different times. If the person was ALWAYS difficult, insensitive, abusive, etc, it would be easy to dump them and move on. You hear me?

Trying to decide if these episodes wipe out the good times... .

[unicorn2014]

 

Thank you so much everyone. Yes I truly love him. I'm

On day 7 today after his blow up. I'm having anxiety... .Questioning if blocking him was the right thing to do. I'm still confused. I'm not fully done on my heart and that's why I'm posting in the Staying board.

Lotus, I want to applaud your strength. I could only block my partner for a few hours at a time. I hope that your time away will give you the clarity you need. Thank you for answering my question. You sound like you are very rational and clear and I am sure the time away will give you the answers you need.   I wish I had your strength to do what you're doing.

[Lotus1976]

Also, Lotus,  At what point do you say, "enough is enough?" It's a tough call. It makes it harder when the person acts differently at different times. If the person was ALWAYS difficult, insensitive, abusive, etc, it would be easy to dump them and move on. You hear me?

Trying to decide if these episodes wipe out the good times... .

It's hard to trust the good times, the sweet comments or promises when you know the next episode is right around the corner.  that's where I am. Just kind of numb.