After some time out to heal, has anyone gone back to BPDX? Successful?

[Kc12]

Hi everyone!

I was just wondering: after taking time apart to heal from your BPDX, have you ever tried again? Was it successful?


I have been reading these boards for a while and consider my dBPDx to seem quite tame in comparison to what I've read. I mean some stories on here I cannot resonate with at all (physical violence, police getting involved, stalking), it appears that perhaps my ex is high functioning and is no way on the same level as some of your exes!


My story:  My ex boyfriend (22) warned me before we dated that he had BPD. We were friends for 2 years before getting close.  He didn't want a relationship because he was happy being single. We became friends with benefits and I convinced him to try make the relationship work. I (also 22), have never dated. He was my first kiss, first relationship, first sexual experience and it was the first time I truly felt comfortable around someone- I even felt more comfortable around him than my family or friends.

The first 2 months were great, but as this was my first relationship, it was so intense. He told me he loved me within a week and within a month we were discussing children and marriage. My ex was on medication for BPD, anti depressants and saw the doctor weekly. Everything was amazing until about 4 months in. He would get so angry for the littlest things, he was constantly accusing me of wanting to date other people. He never trusted me with my phone and would always ask what I was doing.  He hated that I went to see my friends, in the end, I ended up depressed and cutting off all my friends and family. I spent most of my time alone in my room.

After 6 months, I called time on it. I myself suffer from body dysmorphia, anxiety and mild depression prior to being with him, it only intensified my illnesses after 6 months with him. I myself am so confused. We've been broken up for 2 months and 4 days NC. I admit I strung him along in the last 2 months, replying to texts/emails/ telling him I loved him and wanted to be with him, but I was so confused, I didn't know what I wanted. A month after the break up, I took him back. We texted for a few days and met up a week later. That was when I realised I couldn't do it. I was changing my mind every hour; yes I want to be with you I know that, no I'm still hurting I can't do this. I was so confused. I apologised for leading him on and left. Finally last Friday, I told him I didn't want to get back together. I didn't feel the same way and I didn't feel like we could try again. I really just didn't know what to say. This was the response I received;

Clearly you don't want me to contact you anymore so I'll say everything I need to and I'll never contact you again. I wish I could hate you. I wish I had no feelings towards you at all but the truth is I love you more than I ever though possible. I'm sorry for ever hurting you. I wish you all the happiness, o genuinely mean that. My regret is that I wasn't the one to make you happy. If I could leave some words advice it would be I wish you could see how brilliant you are, what an amazing person you are. Don't let your insecurities stop you from living your life, you'll do great thing, I know it. Take care of yourself X

Now, with a lot of stories I read, the BPDX is usually unresponsive/painting is black/ doesn't see what went wrong but when I broke up with my ex, he genuinely was sorry. I told him to wait for me to heal (at the time I thought I could get over the hurt) and we could try again. In that time, he kept contacting me everyday (I was on LC) but he also sought psychological help. He began therapy and new meds, and explained he was trying so hard to make this work for us. I have received countless emails and texts about how he understands what he has done and things will be next time round. The truth is, I can see from how mature and understanding he is that he is making the effort to change. Never once since our break up has he said one mean thing to me, it's all been love and caring, making sure I'm ok etc.

Right now, I'm hurting. I'm hurting from how depressed I've become (I am seeing a therapist), I'm hurting from how he involved my family so now they disapprove of her (he told my brother how he didn't want a relationship and only wanted to have sex with me which my parents then found out), I'm overwhelmed by how quickly our relationship got in such a short space of time.

I did not reply to the response: I don't know what to make of it. He has not rebounded and is trying to get his life back on track. 

I suppose my Q is, am I not wanting to be with him now because I'm still hurting? Maybe I will feel differently once the pain has gone and I feel healed? I don't hate him, I still care deeply for him. I'm so confused I don't know anything anymore. Has anybody taken time out, NC, and got back with their BPDX and has it worked?

Can anyone help me understand my feelings? I don't know if I just need more time to heal or if I can never get over the hurt. I'm so confused. I'm trying to focus on reconnecting with friends, getting back into my hobbies and looking for a new job. I know I'm a very sensitive person, I am very reliant on my parents (who I live with) and this relationship was the best thing I've ever experienced. Compared to some leavers on here, I consider myself lucky.

I don't plan to make contact, not for a while. I know he still loves me. I do not know how I feel, all I know now is I am hurting. I just wanted your thoughts because right now, I don't even know what is up and what is down!

Thanks guys!


EDIT: He never cheated/was for most of the time loving with occasional mood swings/always surprised me with gifts and love notes. Been diagnosed with BPD for 2 years.

[OnceConfused]

May I use this classic line from the LOVE STORY movie of 1970s.

"Love means never to say you are sorry".

To me, BPD can say "i am sorry, you are the best for me , ... ." but the truth is in the pudding. Does BPD know what they have done to you? . He wishes you all the happiness but does he know that he has given you not new highs in the r.s. but too many new lows. You became depressed, not elated, and you became lonely in your room.

You mentioned he said after the break up that he was trying so hard to make it work for both of you. Again what he did with new med and counseling were for him, not for you.

I am also surprised that he indicated that is your insecurities that stopped you from living your life. No mention of what he added to that insecurities with his behaviors. Since you are not in his life anymore, so he can begin the white painting phase with you.

Of course, you can go back and give it another try. But I am afraid you will get right back to where you are today - lonely and NC. You both have to see your weaknesses and work on them so that you can give him new highs and he you.

Are you working with a T to understand your obstacles to your happiness and growth?

Is he working with a T to understand his behaviors as well?

[Kc12]

Thanks for your reply OnceConfused!

Unfortunately I wish I could say he didn't but he is fully aware of his actions and is genuinely sorry and wanting it to work. I'm just at a stage where I don't know if I will ever be able to forgive and forget. I suppose only time will tell.

With regards to the insecurities comment, I am suffering with physical issues which prevents me from being confident and makes me depressed so I can only assume he means that. But yes, you're right, there wasn't any mention of how he affected me living my life too- didn't see it like that, thank you!

I am working with a T on my insecurities (maybe I'm too sensitive?) and he is too.

I suppose only time will tell (and hopefully heal). For now, I have no intention of recycling. I am too hurt to even consider it right now, but after reading some of the stories of other leavers, I feel like maybe I was too weak because he wasn't anywhere as severe as some dBPDX I've read on here. He was extremely caring and thoughtful of my insecurities and started helping me overcome them, maybe I was too sensitive to his mood swings and wasn't supportive for him as he was to me.

Anyway, thanks again OnceConfused! You've made me see things differently! I'm still very confused about what I should do in the future, but for now NC is my only option.

[OnceConfused]

your journey to betterment of you should be a lone journey with impartial supporters like your T. This way your progress can be truly assessed and encouraged. Stay NC and work on your weaknesses with your T and with your own reading.

No one is perfect in this world. So don't feel like you have to be perfect in order to be loved or appreciated.  Find your positives and do more of it. Look for affirmation in what you do everyday, and not so much in what others may or may not tell you. Find your authentic self and you will find peace and love.

[Waddams]

Re: After some time out to heal, has anyone gone back to BPDX? Successful?

Define successfully first.  What does that look like?

In terms of the BPD accepting responsibility for themselves, getting help, healing, not abusing us, not spending out of control, and generally being able to live long term in a sane, calm, responsible manner with BPD drama and walking on egg shells being a thing of the past?  Maybe some have.  Between this site and another I'm a member of, I don't know of a single story where it has actually happened.

I know of stories were the non- stays, and things get temporarily better in some ways, then backslide, and go back and forth.  Maybe it gets tolerable for the specific person with the BPD.  I still never get the impression of long term normalcy and stability from their stories.  I see really things aren't as bad as other alternatives could be, such as a divorce, court and kid custody issues, etc.  

Being young, not married, no kids - and knowing you both have issues where you have a strong propensity to trigger each other, how do you think re-engaging with him will turn out?

[Kc12]

OnceConfused, thank you. I really appreciate your wise words. Your last post has definitely given me food for thought. All the best to you!

Waddams, thanks for your response!

Yes exactly as you said! For a BPD and their ex to have a somewhat 'normal' relationship without all the BPD drama. Thanks for sharing your insight with me, after reading a lot of these boards I have assumed the likelihood of a recycled relationship being 'successful' is quite slim. Maybe I had hoped to be an exception because my situation isn't as difficult but yet still equally challenging. I have no expectations. I only hope that NC will help me see clearer than my current state of mind. Who knows what the future holds, right?

[ct21218]

I have been back together with mine for a little over a year.  He had been inpatient for addiction issues for a number of months and then he relapsed and almost died.  This time he got serious about getting sober and we both have been reAlly transparent about finances, which was a big trigger to our fights.  There have still been occasional arguments, but they are much shorter and we've been able to talk through things.  I also had to do significant work on myself and boundaries.  We both have overspent on occasion, but nothing like before where he would gamble his entire paycheck.  He is fairly stable at his job, whereas before he'd quit over minor issues.

[Kc12]

ct21218- that's great! It's lovely hearing that it is possible!

How long did you take some time apart before trying again?

[EaglesJuju]

Hi Kc12,

I am back with my mine. We have been apart physically for about a year now. There have been quite a few periods throughout the year where he did not want to communicate with me. The last stint was about three months. I honestly thought I would never hear from him again.

During the last period of NC, he made incredible changes, stopped using substances, started focusing on therapy, and became more stable. He has apologized and taken responsibility for his past behavior that was hurtful. He acknowledges his disorder and is determined to make changes. 

We have been talking daily for a month now and things have been really great. It has not been this great since the beginning of our relationship. Our communication has been awesome and him and I have been able to discuss anything even feelings. For a very long time anything feeling related was triggering. He has never been this supportive or understanding.

I do think a lot of the positive changes in our relationship can be attributed to both of our work in therapy.  I know there tends to be a lot of pessimism with the potential of having a normal or healthy relationship with a pwBPD, but my relationship is actually moving closer towards that goal. 

[ct21218]

ct21218- that's great! It's lovely hearing that it is possible!

How long did you take some time apart before trying again?

From the time I left the marriage to the time he got out of the hospital was about 2 and a half years.  We did speak over that time period, but it was awhile before i noticed a change.

[shatra]

kc wrote

I wish you all the happiness, o genuinely mean that. My regret is that I wasn't the one to make you happy

-----I have heard pwBPD say that... .to me that sounds like a final goodbye, like he is wishing you happiness and realizes it's not him who can make you happy but someone else can bring you happiness... .but a pwBPD saying that could mean that it's not the final goodbye. THey said goodbye and good luck as if they are leaving permanently and then they contact you later... .

[Kc12]

EaglesJuju- thanks for your response!

I'm so happy for you! That's great that you managed to patch things up, I don't doubt it's been difficult but I'm really glad to hear it's going well. I think you're right, if both parties work with a T through their issues it can make a huge difference if both were to try again. Thank you for sharing your story, it's given me some sort of hope for the future if I ever decide what I want once these confused and hurt feelings have cleared! All the best to you,

[Kc12]

Shatra- thanks for your thoughts! I was thinking exactly the same thing... .I suppose only time will tell. I have no intention of breaking NC so unless he contacts me- maybe I've had a lucky escape!