About to jump from LC to NC

[Lonely_Astro]

Hey All,

So I've been pretty LC with my pwBPD.  I'm getting ready to make the jump from LC to NC.  I know this is pretty person-to-person specific, but how would you suggest going about it?  I'm considering just ghosting out of her life, but I struggle with the idea of sending that last text message.  You know the one: that sums it all up (in a mixture of nice and not so nice way), doses out some reality, and basically just get a release and closure (for myself) on how it's all ended.  Honestly, I don't think she "feels" it's over.  During one of our exchanges today she said that I seemed fine and then suddenly wasn't (after I didn't reply to her text message within oh 15 mins or so).  She gave me a barrage of text within a span of 5 minutes (it seems that it activated her fear of abandonment).  So, I have to get the point across somehow that I'm leaving her life.

I wouldn't be sending the text in an attempt to manipulate her.  My thought on it was to send it and then block her number (so I wouldn't be tempted to read a response, if one came, thus continuing a 'relationship' with her... .no that ship has sailed).  She has agreed to see me face to face several times over the past few days (at her request that we "needed to talk", which she has broken our meeting each time (one excuse after another), so I can see that I'm not going to get that face to face closure that I wanted.  We have LC during the day and don't really talk about relationship stuff.  She said today that she would see me tomorrow, but I fully expect her to break that appointment as well.

So... .with all that said, what would you do?  Right now, it seems like I've been painted mostly black by her (she's 'bread crumbing' for the most part).  Ive been replaced (my hunch) or at the very least, devalued.  Now is the perfect time for me to slip out to heal and work on myself... .the question is how to go about it?

[valet]

I get that urge. It can be freeing to go no contact.

The first question that I'd ask myself is 'Is she a positive presence in my life, or negative one?'.

If you plan on doing this, you really have to mean it for yourself. If this is to be your permanent boundary, then it must be held. How do you think it might be play out in the future if you are painted white and she tries to reach out in some way?

[Lonely_Astro]

I get that urge. It can be freeing to go no contact.

The first question that I'd ask myself is 'Is she a positive presence in my life, or negative one?'.

If you plan on doing this, you really have to mean it for yourself. If this is to be your permanent boundary, then it must be held. How do you think it might be play out in the future if you are painted white and she tries to reach out in some way?

Is she a positive person in my life?  Short answer: no. The past several months have been very bad for me with her ST/passive aggressive behavior.  She's definitely slipped back into her disorder. So, leaving isn't something I want to do, but it's something I have to do.  Perhaps when all this started again, I set my expectations and boundaries to high. We talked at length about those expectations and she promised she understood and agreed to them. Now here we are, with those promises broken and it's simply just time for me to heal and move on.

She may or may not ever paint me fully white again. It doesn't really matter if she does because I know it's only a matter of time before I'm black again. I simply can't be in a one sided relationship that doesn't experience growth. As an example, it's ok for her to go days or even weeks without seeing me and barely speaking to her. But, if I don't respond to a text from her within 10mins, she freaks out. She has slowly sunk into deregulation over the past several months to the point that I'm exhausted. I just can't go on, for my own mental health.

Leaving her hurts because I do truly love her (at least the version of her I know so intimately). However that "her" just doesn't seem to exist anymore. Sometimes I get breadcrumbs from her and she fully believes that's all I need to keep a 'relationship' going. She also gives me the impression that I should be grateful to get those crumbs from her and I have no right to be upset over it. That is exactly how she acts when she's found someone new (past experiences) and simply doesn't want to close the door on me (safety net). So she'll blame her behavior on 'life events' and justify her abuse of me via that proxy.  In reality, the cold stark reality, is she has discarded/devalued/replaced me. It's manipulation and abuse; it has to stop.

Do I ever intend to have a 3rd go around with her?  No. I can say with all my heart that I gave it my best shot and it was a relationship that just didn't work out.  When I think of her, it will be bittersweet: the good times were great times. The abuse, not so much.

That's why I want to send the 'goodby text'. To get it all off my chest and to make it crystal clear that the door has closed. Her pride/ narcissistism will not allow her to contact me after I say what I need to say.  She'll blame all of that on me, which is ok. After all, I survived her various rages (she's an internal type) before. The difference between her last one with me is I won't be around to be punished by it. It sounds selfish when I say it like that, but there comes a time I must stand up for myself and say "enough is enough. Goodbye and here's why," if that makes sense at all.

[valet]

It sounds like the goodbye text would be for you, then.

I get the breadcrumbs idea. My pwBPD did the same until we started to have more substantial conversations. Obviously, your situation is different, and from what I'm reading you're ready to move on.

Relationships and friendships don't always work it. I think it's nice of you to give her that closure as well.

[Lonely_Astro]

It sounds like the goodbye text would be for you, then.

I get the breadcrumbs idea. My pwBPD did the same until we started to have more substantial conversations. Obviously, your situation is different, and from what I'm reading you're ready to move on.

Relationships and friendships don't always work it. I think it's nice of you to give her that closure as well.

Yes, I'm fully going into it that the text (it's lengthy) is fully for me.

We've had LC today and it's simply not going well. Yesterday she agreed to meet with me today (she said last Friday we "needed to talk" and then ignored me the entire weekend), so I fully expect her to break seeing me tonight. She'll find some excuse - which I fully suspect will be blamed on my 'bad attitude' as what contact I've had with her today she's already pointed out I'm in a bad mood and she expects an argument. Bit of a side topic on that, I was being neutral in my responses to her and she said I was being hurtful in my comments (not sure how, but ok). I told her I wasn't intending to be hurtful, that I wanted an amicable conversation with her tonight at which point she stated that "nothing was ever amicable" between us. Well, excuse me. I'm pretty sure you have to actually talk to each other to have an argument, but welcome to BPD. After all, she once abused me for 3 days because she had a dream I slept with a friend of hers that I had met once (that she introduced me to). Yeah, I was punished over a dream. There's been other arguments we've had I wasn't even part of because the argument took place in her head. It's this sort of distortion and abuse that has caused me to leave.

Rant off now. I don't fully understand the breadcrumbs other than its a manpulation technique. I'm so over this childish, abusive behavior. I'm debating whether I even want to attempt to see her tonight or just send my text (block her number after) and just move on with my life. Life's just to short to keep dealing with this crazy BS.

[Skip]

I'm so over this childish, abusive behavior. I'm debating whether I even want to attempt to see her tonight or just send my text (block her number after) and just move on with my life. Life's just to short to keep dealing with this crazy BS.

I don't know that I sending a long text with a goodbye and then blocking her number is a mature move.

I know how you feel and this is getting your frustration out and taking control of the situation... .or is it?

She is obliviously avoiding the meeting. She (anyone) is not likely to read a long negative text, let alone be persuaded by it. Asking someone to communicate more and then blocking communication, opens you up to a lot of "my crazy ex" criticism.  And if you block the phone, you will be wondering... .

Is it enough to just stop pursuing her?  Let her take the lead?  Expect that will likely be the end of it except for some breadcrumbs that you don't need to jump for.

Going out with a bang nails the door shut and sometimes we need to do that. But if we don't, stepping down is often enough.

[Lonely_Astro]

I'm so over this childish, abusive behavior. I'm debating whether I even want to attempt to see her tonight or just send my text (block her number after) and just move on with my life. Life's just to short to keep dealing with this crazy BS.

I don't know that I sending a long text with a goodbye and then blocking her number is a mature move.

I know how you feel and this is getting your frustration out and taking control of the situation... .or is it?

She is obliviously avoiding the meeting. She (anyone) is not likely to read a long negative text, let alone be persuaded by it. Asking someone to communicate more and then blocking communication, opens you up to a lot of "my crazy ex" criticism.  And if you block the phone, you will be wondering... .

Is it enough to just stop pursuing her?  Let her take the lead?  Expect that will likely be the end of it except for some breadcrumbs that you don't need to jump for.

Going out with a bang nails the door shut and sometimes we need to do that. But if we don't, stepping down is often enough.

Thanks, Skip.

Maybe I need to clarify what I mean about meeting vs. text. I fully plan to discuss what I wrote in person, if that meeting were to take place.  In the event that it doesn't, that's where the text comes in. Blocking the number is preventative on my part, not a measure of maturity. If she were to reply to it, I would read it. I know I would, blocking her helps me stay the course of my decision. I'm not struggling with leaving, which is why I am in this section of the forum and not the 'deciding' section.

What's in the text isn't fully negative, but there are parts that are unfiltered reality. It may be nailing the door shut, as you put it, but I feel that's the way it must be done (for the both of us). With all that said, I may never send the text. I may simply choose to step down, I posted here simply because I'm undecided on how to go NC (without any semblance of closure). I know that the best letters are those that aren't sent, but I'm torn on whether to simply ghost out or swan song.  Either way, the relationship is ending, it's just going about it is the question.

[C.Stein]

What's in the text isn't fully negative, but there are parts that are unfiltered reality.

I'm currently struggling with the same thing.  :)o I send the final goodbye, which has the same characteristics as yours, or just let it go.  Certainly I have a wish to be heard and she may or may not read it ... .but it would be a gesture of finality on my part as the email closes the door forever without question.  That door is probably already closed forever on her part, but I am struggling to close my door.  I am emotionally uncertain if I want to close it forever as I do still love her deeply, but logically I know the door should be nailed shut.    

I guess the question is, is the email (text in your case) the best/only way to achieve that?

[Skip]

A long explanation or text at the end will create more drama.

You could use words designed to end the drama... .

I really wanted to say this face to face, but we can't seem to get our schedules to align. I don't feel that we are good as a couple and I need to move on. We had some great times and I will remember them fondly.

Starting Friday, I'd like to make a complete break for a 5-6 weeks. After that, we can certainly stay in casual contact to whatever level is comfortable.

This give her room to respond (to which you can respond with, I hear you).  Makes it clear.  :)oesn't create any targets.

I know you feel "unheard". It's a terrible helpless feeling. But you most likely can't land any meaningful words at this point in the relationship.  Let's face it, it's one reason you are leaving.

I think most people would read an emotional ending and one where you want to the other person to save the relationship.  The less emotional ending, usually say more.

There is a great Cranberries song that says it all in the title, "No need to argue anymore"

This is just one opinion. If saying your piece is really important.  If you can't end it without breaking a few dishes, that is your reality and you should do it.

[Lonely_Astro]

I wanted to give an update to how this is unfolding:

I decided to take Skip's advice and follow what he said. I was waiting for an in person conversation (if it didn't come, I was going to text what Skip had suggested), which did take place... .sort of. She did agree to meet me for lunch, but she spent the majority of it talking about DBT, what was happening with her mom, her pending divorce, and car troubles. I chose to listen. I'm not really sure why.

Anyway, during that conversation, she said something that was extremely hurtful to me and further solidified my decision of NC. She told me I could "either ride out the storm of ST or walk away" and she also said that "[me] and my child were just to much" for her "right now". That was it for me. She made it sound like I had hoodwinked her. News flash: I had a kid when all this started, that's not new. I also noticed she seemed to continuely attempt to triangulate me with her (ex)husband by making various comments that (I felt) were said to elicit an emotional response from me. I truly believe that she's attempting to reconciliate (aka recycle) him, hence why all of a sudden I'm not worthy of her time/affection.

I did get a chance to say how hurt I was over various things. She said sorry (I felt it was superficial- she always says "I know" when she's dismissing what you're saying and that's how the apology was given "I know, I'm sorry".  After we left lunch, nothing (I literally mean nothing) changed. So, I stewed on being totally invalidated myself all night. The next morning, I got off to a rough start at work and she happened to be a part of that (work related). So almost immediately an argument ensued via text between her and I. During that, I told her that I didn't appreciate how her comments about my child and I from the day before had been said and it had hurt my feelings. She attempted to gaslight me, which I told her not to do that (as nicely as I could). I told her if I had misunderstood what she had said for her to please communicate what she meant to help me better understand. Her response: nada. Never awknowledged it.  I had extremely LC for the remainder of the work day after that.

Just as I was about to go home, I had to go to her department for an item. While in there, I acknowledged her and asked if she had any weekend plans (this was on Friday). She said she had to go get her car worked on (she had told me no less than 4 times about how her cars radio is messed up - it's like she's forgotten she's told me the story) and that was it. After that, I told everyone in the department to have a good weekend and I left work.

As I was leaving, I sent her a text saying that I hoped the car was fine and I wished for her to have a good weekend. She never replied. So, Saturday, I decided that could be the nicest way for me to say goodbye to her. It's now late Saturday night and I've had NC with her today. Today was day #1. I plan to not reach out to her again. I'm not 100% sure what I will do if she contacts me (I doubt she will, honestly). I just realized how badly she's really treating me just isn't worth it. When she brought my kid into it, it crossed a line for me (as strange as that may sound).

Anyway, I'm still having rumination issues. What if DBT does make her "better"?  Will I have missed out on the greatness she is capable of?  Or, did I truly dodge a bullet in the long run?  I miss the good times, but I don't know if I really had any true good times with her or the illusion of... .*sigh*. This is what I went through with her 4 years ago and I'm back to step #1. Oh well, the longest journey begins with the first step... .

[Skip]

I sent her a text saying that I hoped the car was fine and I wished for her to have a good weekend. She never replied. So, Saturday, I decided that could be the nicest way for me to say goodbye to her. It's now late Saturday night and I've had NC with her today. Today was day #1.

You handled this well.

~ Maybe she is trying to rekindle - in that case you are out.

~ Maybe she is greiving - which is something she has to do on her own and you can't help her - in this case you have given her space.

~ And you have given yourself space to rethink this without sabotaging any future options.

You have seeded multiple directions at the same time - there are options for everyone.

With her being overwhelmed (and you said she gets that way) and you being hurt, and with a high stressor like a divorce proceeding - space is a rehabilitatve thing. You will both go through stages of emotions during the sepration and get a clearer idea about what makes sense for you.

I'd suggest opening up a discussion on undecided and talk through what is going on and what makes sense for you.