6 weeks out of a relationship with a borderline ex

[vertigoflash]

Hi everyone-- not 100% sure how to write this, but I wll briefly outline what brought me here.

I am a woman and broke up recently with a woman who has a lot of BPD traits.  We were together for 2.5 years, and because a lot of our relationship was marred by outside stress it was difficult to separate what was external from what was disordered.  I'm well aware of my own weakness for being a helper, and how I am drawn to people who enjoy depending on others.

Long story short, after all of the external chaos, after not being able to speak up about my needs without catastrophic consequences (ie, this was quickly discouraged), after I feel putting up with a lot and generally being unhappy, I broke it off.  She'd had a history of having poor boundaries with exes-- husband still lived with her when we started dating, and she finalized the divorce and got him out while we were together (stress); she still talked to an ex who it emerged still had feelings for her, and kept doing so even when I told her it made me uncomfortable in light of the situation with the ex husband, etc.  The last straw was when I discovered a flirtation with a male friend who she'd reassured me was just a friend.  He was texting her rather explictly, and she was doing nothing to discourage it.  After 2 years of telling her how uncomfortable these interactions made me, I didn't have any try left in me. 

There were other things-- I hated how she talked to me; I was constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop, even when we were getting along well; the criticism and hypersensitivity to things I said or did, or that others said or did; the fact that she didn't get along with my friends and would be hypersensitive to any perceived slight, and on and on and on.  We were in couples counseling.  The counselor was the one who pointed out the BPD.

I broke up with her, couchsurfed with kind friends/coworkers for the better part of a month, and found a place.  Most of my stuff is here now, but she's hanging on to the things I missed when packing.  The latest is that she's joined a group that I run on FB for queer people in my industry, which contains colleagues, and holds social events every so often.  I want to remove her from the group but I'm also wary of setting her off when she knows where and when the next event is.  I think she's still in a lot of pain and I don't know the best way to put down boundaries.  I suspect she doesn't like the idea that I have new friends or might potentially meet romantic partners. 

Leaving was the hardest thing I've ever done, I feel.  The guilt for one, the logistics for another.  Emotionally, I hate that I feel like I am still fending her off.  Energetically, I feel gaunt.  Even though I'm delighted to have my mental space back, I'll be relieved when all is said and done-- but I don't know when that will be. 

Anyway-- that's my story.  Would love to hear from you guys if you have any thoughts!

[Lucky Jim]

Hey vertigo, Welcome!  You have come to a great place though it seems like you should be posting on the Leaving Board, rather than Undecided, unless you actually are undecided.  What makes you think that your Ex has BPD?  In any event, I think you are on the right path, so keep doing what you're doing.  Whether your Ex joins your FB group is not something over which you have much if any control, so I would be inclined to let it go.  Just keep moving forward.  I predict you will find greater happiness in the days ahead.

LuckyJim

[vertigoflash]

Whoops you're right-- this ended up in the wrong forum.  I hope it is okay if I repost in the right one!

To answer your question, I had my suspicions, but it was our couples counselor who had that assessment. 

Technically I can remove her from the group-- anyway we'll see what happens.  Facebook is horrible when it comes to privacy, so either I have to keep my footprint really small or block her entirely.  Thanks Lucky Jim!