Silent Treatment Got Me Down

[Depression = 72% of members]

I got a couple of text messages saying some pretty sad things a few days ago, then a phone call asking me to help find some real therapy for him.  So, stupidly, I thought he was self-aware enough to mean it, and, despite telling him it is over, I do want him to get help if he needs it.  I wanted to make a humane gesture as I would for anyone else. 

I stopped by his house and talked to him about what he's been thinking/feeling, where he could find help (I know people who can help him), and what he thinks he might want to really work on.  Of course, it turned into gaslighting/blaming attempts and avoidance of the issue, so I listened, validated (even the insults he leveled at me), and bowed out after an hour or so.  I refuse to escalate with him; it's pointless.  Now he's giving me the silent treatment.  No expression of "I don't want to talk to you again" or "Leave me alone" ... .Simply nothing.  And I suppose it should be a blessing, except I know that the next time he's in a crisis, he'll get back in touch.  And I, being an empath, will probably respond.  But why, oh WHY, does the silent treatment have me down again?  I don't really WANT the contact and yet ... .this silent treatment is making me feel bad!

[Creativum]

I got a couple of text messages saying some pretty sad things a few days ago, then a phone call asking me to help find some real therapy for him.  So, stupidly, I thought he was self-aware enough to mean it, and, despite telling him it is over, I do want him to get help if he needs it.  I wanted to make a humane gesture as I would for anyone else. 

I stopped by his house and talked to him about what he's been thinking/feeling, where he could find help (I know people who can help him), and what he thinks he might want to really work on.  Of course, it turned into gaslighting/blaming attempts and avoidance of the issue, so I listened, validated (even the insults he leveled at me), and bowed out after an hour or so.  I refuse to escalate with him; it's pointless.  Now he's giving me the silent treatment.  No expression of "I don't want to talk to you again" or "Leave me alone" ... .Simply nothing.  And I suppose it should be a blessing, except I know that the next time he's in a crisis, he'll get back in touch.  And I, being an empath, will probably respond.  But why, oh WHY, does the silent treatment have me down again?  I don't really WANT the contact and yet ... .this silent treatment is making me feel bad!

[Learning Fast]

I swear that the ST is like death by a thousand cuts (as well as ungodly frustrating).  On this site somewhere it is described as a form of emotional abuse according to some experts.  Quite frankly as it should be.

I texted my ex about a week and a half ago about something that she needed to know as she would have been completely blindsided and colossally embarrassed had I not told her.  This was not an attempt to rekindle anything---just a well meaning "heads up".  Any gratitude or thank you?  Nope---just "I'm fine".  Then she followed up with another text a few days later about an all together completely different "safe" topic.  I replied "Have fun!" and haven't heard since.  I suspect you haven't heard from him as you changed the rules of the game by refusing to escalate and opting to leave.  They really can't stand losing control especially if they are used to getting their way (think 6 year old behavior!)

I'm learning to wean myself from the impact of the ST by leaving further contact up to her (unless it is an emergency as our daughters are best friends).  My response of "Have fun!" wasn't mean or spiteful but basically benign.  If she wants to contact me, she'll contact me.  And I'll respond in a timely and appropriate manner.  If she doesn't, she won't.  I simply don't believe the healthy response is to succumb to the whims of someone who emotionally is 6 years old.

[once removed]

hey creativum 

why do you think being an empath requires that you respond?

[Creativum]

hey creativum 

why do you think being an empath requires that you respond?

I don't think that, I guess.  It's just something I'd have a difficult time *not* doing.  In my line of work, if you don't respond, you lose your license, so it's really just this idea that it's my duty to respond when someone is experiencing a crisis.  But, then again, he's not legally my responsibility so ... .Ugh.

[once removed]

i understand. it is natural to see a struggling person and want to help.

a strong sense of empathy is a good trait. like any trait, it can cross unhealthy lines.

empaths can practice good boundaries, and still be true to themselves. empathy does not require action. in fact, sometimes it is the most loving thing we can do not to act, or react, and not enable.

BOUNDARIES - Living our values 

to your original post: it sounds like you did a great job not escalating and using validation. i think, however, some of the terminology youre using to describe behaviors may be confusing you and your situation, ie "gaslighting" and silent treatment. it sounds like things got pretty heated for an hour or so, he leveled off insults, blamed, etc, and now you havent spoken since. is that silent treatment? a cooling off period in that situation seems reasonable to me for both parties.

whats bothering you the most about the whole interaction?