What's the best way to react when they go cold/disappear?

[sweet tooth]

My friend/girlfriend becomes overwhelmed when we get too close. She disappears without telling me and won't respond to texts. I decided not to chase her anymore. She always comes back as if nothing ever happened.

How do you cope during these times? It's been over 3 weeks since I've heard from her and it's driving me crazy. I decided to set a boundary about it if/when she contacts me again. I'm going to tell her she needs to tell me when she feels overwhelmed rather than just blow me off.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[babyducks]

hi sweet tooth,

How are you doing today with the silent treatment?   Did you know that the Silent treatment is considered a form of verbal/emotional abuse?   Really.   It is.   You can read more at this link


BPD BEHAVIORS: Silent treatment - verbal abuse.


That's why it's driving you crazy.  because emotional abuse takes the joy and vitality out of life through the distortions of reality, because the abuser’s response does not coincide with the sender’s communication.

I decided to set a boundary about it if/when she contacts me again. I'm going to tell her she needs to tell me when she feels overwhelmed rather than just blow me off.

boundaries are good things.  I am all in favor of boundaries    they are great stuff for us.

Have you thought about how you are going to communicate this to her?    Have you practiced a SET?   Or a DEARMAN?   I am going with the idea that you want the best possible chance of success.   If so it would be a good idea to put some thought into how to deliver your message.

Which does she respond to better?   SET or Validation?

'ducks

[sweet tooth]

hi sweet tooth,

How are you doing today with the silent treatment?   :)id you know that the Silent treatment is considered a form of verbal/emotional abuse?   Really.   It is.   You can read more at this link


BPD BEHAVIORS: Silent treatment - verbal abuse.


That's why it's driving you crazy.  because emotional abuse takes the joy and vitality out of life through the distortions of reality, because the abuser’s response does not coincide with the sender’s communication.

I decided to set a boundary about it if/when she contacts me again. I'm going to tell her she needs to tell me when she feels overwhelmed rather than just blow me off.

boundaries are good things.  I am all in favor of boundaries    they are great stuff for us.

Have you thought about how you are going to communicate this to her?    Have you practiced a SET?   Or a DEARMAN?   I am going with the idea that you want the best possible chance of success.   If so it would be a good idea to put some thought into how to deliver your message.

Which does she respond to better?   SET or Validation?

'ducks

Ducks, I'm afraid that I don't know what SET or Validation are. Please educate me.

My therapist told me that I'm being abused. However, we both agree that her intent is not intentional malevolence. My friends and family are concerned about the situation because they see how it's affecting me.

[babyducks]

Sure thing sweet tooth.

SET is a communication tool based on Support, Empathy, and Truth.    It's a way of forming a message that will increase the chances of opening lines of communication and the likelihood of having your message received.

A very rough SET would look like this:

Support:  You've been away for three weeks and of course that is your decision to make if that is what you want.

Empathy:  I can understand why you might want to feel free to contact me when you feel  comfortable.

Truth: I need to have  more consistency in our relationship.  I need to hear from your regularly because I feel XYZ when I don't.

Validation is also a communication tool that is used to connect with a pwBPD.  It takes some practice.   It sounds simple but most of us will tell you it is deceptive.   It does not mean agreeing with what's been said or done.   It's not a You are right and I am wrong kind of conversation.   For me a validating conversation would look like this:

Partner:  I have had the worst freaking day at work.  those people are jerks.

Me:   You look like you had a really bad day.   What's going on?

Partner:   The Boss took my job away from me and gave it to someone else who he said was going to be faster.

Me:   Dang.  That would have ticked me off too.   I am sure you were doing the best you could.   

Notice I am not explaining why the Boss would want the job done faster or that she shouldn't be upset or that I will make chocolate cake to make her feel better.  All I am saying is that it's valid that she is annoyed. 

There is a lot more in the Lessons.  They are in the box on the right hand side of the screen.

'ducks