I'm hated it seems

[StewartLove]

Tonight she blew up again. Some teens drove by in the dark and dropped off tobacco products to her. I saw her take them and hide them I'm her shirt. I finally got her to pull it out. I wouldn't give them back to her so she lost it. Tried to destroy the house again. At least she didn't attack me this time.

She reminded me of how much she hated me. I've been listening to people say it isn't true and how she doesn't mean it. I've had professionals say it's just her illness talking. But it never goes away. When she is getting her way she is simi pleasant to me but always hates me and will always admitting it.I can't remember the last time I heard her say she loves me. We are talking years.

She showed me a cake design she wanted for her bday but I didn't have the time. So we got her an oversized cupcake with balloons and stuff on it. I'm standing there smiling holding it out to her and she says "I don't want that piece of ****. That's not what I asked for!" And stomped off with her nose in the air. I got her an iPhone for her bday and it wasn't the new iPhone 6. She told me to take the piece of **** Back and get the better one.

I didn't of course but this is my life. I feel so bad for saying this but I don't like her. Every time I hear her walking out of her room my stomach turns to knots bc I antisipate her wrath.

My parents baby her and think she is innocent. They keep trying to talk me into letting her stay with them. I'm a good mom. I don't smoke or drink. I'm educated and give her everything she needs. I'm Calm with her and patient with her. When she tells me to go f****** die my response is "I love you anyways".

My life is miserable bc I can't do anything right by her. My son wants to me to punish her and he claims I'm not doing my job. My husband wants to protect me but can only do so much. I can't stand his.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Turkish]

Hi StewartLove,

"It's just the illness talking." *sigh* There may be a smidgeon of truth there, but it seems invslidating, not empathizing with life on the ground. Her grandparents also sound like they are enabling.

Have you had a chance to look at the lessons and suggested reading at the top of the board?

Have you had a chance to read up on validation?

Communication using validation. What it is; how to do it

Validation doesn't mean accepting or enabling; it's letting the other person know that we hear them: their frustrations and even pain.

Her pain is thinking that you don't love her, from her distorted world-view. Your actions, no matter how correct, demonstrate this to her.

Validating her frustration that she hates you  (her truth), may lessen conflict. Stating your truth,."I love you no matter what" may seem invalidating to her regardless of its truth.

She's emotionally limited. Meet her on her level. Maybe something like, "You're very angry right now Daughter. I'd be angry too if my mom had taken away the tobacco."

Support, Empathy. Wait for a response. The Truth portion of that statement might have to wait for what she says in response. At least you've validated that she is angry at you... In the moment of her rage, she probably isn't open to the words, "I love you." That's not what she is feeling at the moment. No matter how hurtful it is to hear the words, "I don't love you," or "I hate you," validating the feeling may open up a line of communication.

[llbee814]

I'm sorry you're going through this.   I  know how awful it is to experience these scenarios.  You don't say your daughter's age,  but I am figuring teens.   Sounds like she's got you feeling as if you are between a rock and a hard place.   I have been there myself.   I see where you have been attacked,  also.  I have also been there.  Tough times, very tough times.  Strong boundaries  are called for here when there is violence involved.   Especially when there are other siblings involved  and you do make mention of a son.  I agree that the  lessons on here are imperative to master.  That may be a difficult task to accomplish until you have some breathing space.  Perhaps your parents  having her stay temporarily might help you to get a handle on a plan of action to help you to be able to help her.  Just a thought for something that seems available to you to explore  short term.  Also may have the added benefit of your parents getting a look at what the reality of living with her is like, because it won't take long for her to show her true colors.  Good luck whichever route you choose.  Blessings,   

[StewartLove]

Thank you both for your reply.

I know she needs discipline but how do you discipline her?  The only thing she cares about is her cell phone. Take that away and she will violently attack me. Then I have my son coming to protect me from her because she is stronger and taller than me. Then I have to worry about my son hurting her and getting into trouble because he is stronger and bigger than the both of us and she doesn't give up. My husband works two jobs and is usually only home on the weekends but if he was home he is step-dad and couldn't do much because she cries child abuse. Her biological father tried to physically prevent her from jumping out of a moving car and throwing a rage in the backseat. That lead to children services investigating. It was dropped but still... .it took awhile and all those people and interviews... .

She only visits her friends on the weekend. She could go without visiting them as long as she had her phone. She wouldn't care to be grounded from them. She doesn't care about the tv or video games or the computer. Only the phone. We don't give the kids allowance, they get what they want usually with good behavior. If she wants something and hasn't had good behavior we tell her know and she goes off yelling about it but gets over it. She gets money for birthdays from relatives and is good about saving her money and buying what she wants.

Last several times I took the phone I ended up with busted out windows in the house, me covered in bruises and bleeding from scratches all over my arms and chest. I wasn't able to use my arm for a few days afterwards. She is 16 years old. Is it really worth the fight? When I say fight I mean holding my ground and keeping the phone while trying to block her attacks and blows. I don't hit my kids and don't believe in physical discipline. My father was to physical with me and my siblings and promised to never to do that to my kids. Now people tell me that's where I went wrong.

I'm hurting, feel alone, lost, can't find the right answers. All day I've been feeling a panic attack coming on. I've been able to hold it back so far but I feel it right under my skin just waiting to come out. This isn't fair to my son or my husband. It's not fair to me. But there is nothing I can do I feel.

[Kate4queen]

I hate to say this, but with this level of violence going on in your home you must all be feeling terrified. I've been there. I lived in such fear trying to keep everyone happy, stop my DH from confronting my son in case he accidentally hurt him, stop my eldest son punching his brother out, stop my BPD son threatening me with a kitchen knife... .

But I went to a therapist and she helped me decide what was acceptable to me in my own home and she told me to stick to my rules, and if my son touched me again I was to call the police. I did. It was against all my instincts but you know what? it made other people aware of the problem and helped my son get help.

Sometimes you have to stop the circle of violence because if you don't-what will your DD do next? This is all over her phone? What happens when she wants something even more addicting?

You're a good person and a good mother, don't forget that you deserve to be treated appropriately. If your DD can't see that, then you all need help.

[StewartLove]

Thank you.

My husband did call the police on her the last time she attacked me. She spent 10 days in juvi jail. She has calmed down since then, and by calm I mean she hasn't touched me yet. Although I haven't tried to take her phone away either.  I agree. I deserve to feel safe in my own home. We all do.

I just wish there was a better way... .

[lbjnltx]

I am glad to hear that your husband is willing to protect you from being physically harmed.  There must be consequences (hopefully beneficial ones) to curb future violence.  Going into juvenile detention is a consequence though perhaps not the most beneficial for your daughter's future mental health.  Sometimes it is out of our hands what consequences come.

Depending on what resources are available in your area having a Safety Plan and knowing what will happen before a crisis occurs is beneficial.

Some of this may not be an option and some it may.  Please have a look and see what is usable to help your family:

Crisis Safety Plan:  When a family member has BPD