A Poem for my BPD Sister

[genny867]

Your words have no meaning

They're as hollow as your soul

Your actions, now they have meaning

Neither have any power over me, only you

[Kwamina]

Hi genny867,

Did anything in particular perhaps happen recently that led you to write this poem?

One aspect of your poem seems to suggest to me that you realize that your sister's words are coming from a disordered mind and aren't a reflection of who you really are at all. Would you say this is an accurate assessment?

In the poem you talk about your sister's words and actions and you say that 'Neither have any power over me, only you'. In what ways do you feel your sister has power over you?

[genny867]

Hi Kwamina,

It's been an ongoing thing with her, but I have received a lot of help and support and usually am able to ignore her and remain unaffected.

When our mom had to go to the ER by ambulance the other day (she is undergoing chemo for Acute Myeloid Leukemia and it has left her very weak and prone to infections). I called family members to let them know, including my sister. She didn't answer, so I left a message letting her know what was happening and said she could meet us at the hospital. Her husband works as an x-ray tech at this hospital, and he popped in briefly to check on my mom. Afterwards he called my sister to let her know, but there wasn't any new info because we were still waiting on the doctor and her nurse to come in. My phone began ringing, Unknown Caller, and I knew it was my sister. I didn't pick up the 2x the number called because I knew she had the information, and I wanted to stay with my mom who was very, very sick. When I was asked to take care of some paperwork and I stepped outside. Immediately a nurse at the desk asked if anyone could speak to a distraught family member who wanted an update on my mom's condition because no one was answering their cell phone. I finished the paperwork and took the call. . As soon as I said hello, she begins screaming and demanding to know what was going on and why mom was in the hospital. I calmly tell her that I assumed her husband would have called her and started to tell her mom's condition. She continues yelling that he did call and tell her but she wanted to know WHY mom was taken to the hospital. I tried explaining our mom's condition again, but she screamed she KNEW that but what she didn't know was WHY she was taken to the hospital ... .she's dying anyway. I could hear the sneer in her voice as she said those last three words and I felt sick to my stomach. My sister continued screaming at me that this is what hospice is for and wanted to argue about decisions that were being made about her care. She demanded to know why she wasn’t being consulted and I was calling all the shots and in charge. She was getting more and more wound up, screaming louder and louder, I could see a nurse going into my mom's room, and I just wanted to get in there ... .the ER was very busy at the time, there were people all around the nurse's station, paramedics, doctors, nurses, patients on gurneys in the hall. I noticed it had gotten very quiet, when I looked up everyone was staring and I realized they could hear her. I managed to stay calm and told my sister in a firm, calm voice that I was not going to argue with her about this right now. These aren’t my decisions, they’re mom's decisions, SHE’S in charge and I am being supportive of her. Good-bye. She was screaming so loud as I hung up the phone, I was so embarrassed.  I went back to my mom's room and continued ignoring the calls and texts till my mom had stabilized and sleeping.

The poem was the result of listening to her voice mails and text messages she sent while I waited for my mom to be admitted to the hospital. Her messages were just as horrible as her earlier phone call, but when I put them all to paper to try and figure out where things went wrong, I was even more confused. I came here and read some helpful things and realized she was merely projecting herself on to me.

I sent her the following message in response to the voicemails she had left.

Genny:

I’m not picking up because I don’t want to upset mom and I don’t want to leave her. She has pneumonia on top of the things I already told you. You know she hasn’t been in hospice for several weeks and she’s getting chemotherapy. She is being admitted so she can better fight the infection. I didn’t want to argue with you on the nurse’s station phone of a busy ER. Interesting how in your voicemail the only thing you talk about is you. Mom is making her own decisions and we are honoring her request.

BPD Sis:

Well it’s very clear that snap decisions are being made without thought of the actual consequences to mom. Since I’m not asked about anything, ever, poor decisions are being made over and over, since you seem to feel you are so much more important, qualified and capable you don’t seem to be doing much but hiding from me!

Genny:

These are mom’s decisions not mine.

BPD Sis:

And she is getting great support and advice! Run her into the ground Genny, hold her hand all the way and make sure no one interferes with your plans, like you always play the game…

BPD Sis:

Same excuses same story…

BPD Sis:

Same insensitive selfish bull___ that I get from you all the time. You think you know what’s best for everyone’s life and you think you are in charge of everyone’s life, you are the most power hunger self-centered egocentric misinformed person I have ever known.  You have cut me out of everyone’s lives and you are just ruthless enough to do it when mom is dying. You really are a piece of work!

BPD Sis:

I’m supporting my mom. That is all.

BPD Sis:

Yea you just keep telling yourself and everyone else that, I wonder if you really have told yourself that enough that you actually believe it now.

My mom signed off of hospice against everyone's advice, found a new doctor and began more aggressively treating her cancer. This is my mom's life, and even if I don't agree with all her decisions, I will stay by her side and support her no matter what path she chooses.

Since my mom's diagnosis a few months ago, my sister has done her best to make it all about her. It's sickening, but I let it slide off, I don't want to waste my energy on her. I keep her informed if there are any changes, but she usually doesn't take my calls. She is upset that my parent's made me the executor of the estate, and that my mom's husband and myself are authorized to make medical decisions for her if need be. When we do talk, my sister wants to know how long I think mom will last and how much money she will get.

The ending of the poem states that her words and actions have no power over me. This is true, but ... .how do I deal with her during this time? My mother's nurse has already told me that my sister upset my mom when she called, and again when she came by to visit. Apparently my sister put on quite a show when the doctor came by, and the nurse had to ask her to leave the room. She told me it was a very awkward situation and that my mom was very embarrassed.

What do I do with all this? I have to keep myself together for my mom, but with my sister's sideshow going on, it can be tough.

[Kwamina]

Hi genny867

I am very sorry that your mom is so sick. That's an extremely tough situation to be dealing with and your sister's behavior unfortunately only adds more stress.

Your sister's behavior is very unpleasant and abusive. We have some tools here that I think might help you deal with her:

Dealing with hostile communications - BIFF: Brief, Informative, Friendly (well not unfriendly), Firm

How to stop circular arguments: Don't J.A.D.E. = Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain

Assert yourself - D.E.A.R.M.A.N.

[genny867]

Thank you for the great advice Kwamina! All these methods are great, although it can be hard to stay on track when I feel so worn down. I plan on printing these out so I can read them during a "timeout" to get myself back on track and shake things off. I am also keeping a record of her behavior. Thankfully I have been able to block her number for calls and texts, emails as well. My mother's husband has experienced some of my sister's behaviors in the past, but not at this level. My sister routinely cuts people out of her life if they upset her, prior to my mom's illness, she hadn't spoken to any of us for almost two years. He is feeling overwhelmed so I will be sharing this information with him as well. He's a smart guy, and is already realizing that there is no reasoning with her. I'm encouraging him to not placate her and to stand up to her, as I believe if she is not able to get her needs met with her current methods, she'll have no choice but to change tactics. Thankfully the nurses caring for my mom have been very understanding. Honestly, my sister seems so anxious to hasten mom's death and get her money, I am worried that she might do something. I noticed she has been bringing many items into the room, and with the neutropenic precautions, I find myself questioning if she may try to purposefully expose my mom with contaminated items. I know that sounds paranoid, and it makes me sick to even think that way, but there are reasons. About 5 years ago, she showed me a lock box that had vials of medication she said she had lifted from the hospital she worked at before she was fired (the same hospital mom is in now). The reason she showed me was because if she committed suicide, she planned on injecting these medications into her son who has cerebral palsy (she overdosed while pregnant with him), because if she died there would be no one to care for him. My sister has made many suicide threats and attempts during the last 35 years. So I don't take these threats seriously, but since it involved her son I picked up the vials and saw they were lidocaine and didn't think that would kill him. I have no idea where she actually keeps this lock box now, or if she even has these items any longer. I've shared this information with my therapist, and she agreed that it is highly unlikely she would do anything, but it was important to record these type of incidents. There are apparently a lot of calls with CPS concerning her son, and she lost custody of her youngest daughter because of her mental health issues. I'm not sure how she still has custody of her son, and that worries me, too. About a year ago when I wouldn't allow her to adopt my grandson after his mother's suicide. She was furious and did her best to try and make my life even harder, but I'm pretty much immune to her bs by now. The family hadn't heard anything from her for a few months afterwards (I love the silent treatment!) until I got a call from my mom. My sister told mom that I had called the police and said that she was going to commit suicide and how embarrassed she was because it all went down in her driveway in front of her neighbors as they were getting ready to go to the zoo. Truth is, I did not call the police, I was at work and had no idea who might have called. It did seem strange that the police would tell her who the person that called was ... .I honestly think she made the whole thing up. How can I protect my mom?

Oh yes, and thank you for letting me vent! I feel I can't talk to about this stuff to "normal" people, because they really can't understand

[Kwamina]

Hi again genny867

How is your mother doing now? Any more developments with your sister?

I plan on printing these out so I can read them during a "timeout" to get myself back on track and shake things off.

That sounds like a great plan I do this too, prepare myself as best as I can during the 'calm' periods, so I will be able to properly respond (almost like second nature) in the not so calm moments. During times of crisis etc. it's often hard to think and stay calm and it can really help then when you've prepared yourself and know what to do in these situations.

About a year ago when I wouldn't allow her to adopt my grandson after his mother's suicide. She was furious and did her best to try and make my life even harder, but I'm pretty much immune to her bs by now. The family hadn't heard anything from her for a few months afterwards (I love the silent treatment!) until I got a call from my mom. My sister told mom that I had called the police and said that she was going to commit suicide and how embarrassed she was because it all went down in her driveway in front of her neighbors as they were getting ready to go to the zoo. Truth is, I did not call the police, I was at work and had no idea who might have called. It did seem strange that the police would tell her who the person that called was ... .I honestly think she made the whole thing up. How can I protect my mom?

A lot has happened in your life. I am very sorry you lost your grandson's mother in such a tragic way, that must have been very difficult for all of you. How is your grandson dealing with the loss of his mother?

Your sister's behavior is quite concerning indeed, also the story about injecting her son with medications, that's very disturbing.

Oh yes, and thank you for letting me vent! I feel I can't talk to about this stuff to "normal" people, because they really can't understand

I am glad that you are able to get your story out here. That's what I like about this place too, that the people actually understand what we are talking about because they've had similar experiences.

Take care and I encourage you to keep posting

[genny867]

Hi Kwamina,

Yes, I do my best to gather everything up during the calm periods. Since my mom is in hospice, we have bereavement counseling available, and will be utilizing this service to help with my mom. It's so hard to conceive of someone treating someone like this as they are dying, so cruel. I've let my mom know I understand how hard it is on her, but also that I am on the receiving end of a lot of abuse, and I just can't handle it anymore. I am at peace with the fact that my sister will not get better until she is willing to get help, although it saddens me. I can't even imagine how my mother must feel. Hopefully the counseling can help ... .maybe even bridge the gap between my mother and sister for a short time. Hope is all I have.

My grandson is only 2-1/2, so the questions haven't started about his mother. Before he was adopted (open), his adoptive mother made inquiries with a counselor that specializes in this situation. We both agree that we won't hide things from him, but only answer questions, very specifically, when asked. If I could somehow shield him from his mother's suicide, I would, but I know that isn't the way. His adoptive family is wonderful, and is an extension to our own family. His mom has offered to help with my mother, as has my sister and brother-in-law. My mom cried when she found out, because she thought we had no family to lean on.

Thank you so much for your words of encouragement <3

[genny867]

So mom took a turn for the worse Saturday, and died early Sunday morning. I repeatedly asked if she wanted BPD sister to be called and she said no each time. When she lost consciousness, I asked her husband if BPD sister should be called, he said no. We called her after mom died and she came over, spent about 5 minutes with the body before she started in about money and how she had been so wronged.

When I spoke to the hospice bereavement counselor afterwards, I mentioned I didn't know how we were going to include her in funeral arrangements, let alone the funeral itself. He made a very astute observation, and it has freed me from my guilt about not reaching out to her. He pointed out that we were continuing to expend our energy trying to make someone happy that was impossible to satisfy. When I was asked what it was that I wanted, I told him peace for my mother. He encouraged me to take care of myself, and to stop taking care of my sister. She is a grown woman, and is responsible for herself. Nothing I do will change her attitude or actions and I'm not going to try any longer.

In the end, I took care of my mom. Her husband and I protected and preserved her dignity by excluding my BPD sister from her last moments, and I no longer feel guilty about it at all. Her husband shared that during her last visit with my mom, my BPD sister did nothing but complain about her own problems and continued to pressure mom for money. When my mom refused, she began screaming at her.

With my mother gone, I no longer feel the need to have anything to do with my sister. My mother is free of her and so am I.

[Eyeamme]

I am so sorry for your loss. I am glad that you could come to the conclusion (you don't have to take care of your sister) in peace.

[Kwamina]

Hi genny867

I am saddened by this news of your mother's passing. She was very sick and weak for quite some time now, but even then it's never easy to lose a loved one. She was your mother and I am very sorry for your loss.

Your sister's continued abusive behavior is very unpleasant but it is what it is. You indeed cannot control her and aren't responsible for her behavior. She has BPD but she's still an adult and responsible for her own behavior.

You did the best you could to navigate this difficult and stressful situation. I am glad that you feel you've been able to protect and preserve your mother's dignity in those last moments.

Take care as your mourn the loss of your mother and know that we are here to support you in this difficult time