Should I stay or should I go

[marie1057]

I have been feeling hopeless lately. Yes I go to the gym, attend a yoga and mindfulness class, cook healthy meals, clean, and go through each day, however my uBPD24 son is not doing any better. I am a trigger for him. His constant unrelenting anger towards me is wearing me down. I have a therapist. She suggests I get my own apt. My husband works alot, drinks enough to notice on the weekends and can engage my son in a civil conversation as long as I am not in the room. They drink beer together and watch football, eat and talk. They do not do things together outside the home because my son won't go anywhere.  The moment I enter the room the horrible look of anger returns to my son's face and he retreats to the basement. I believe  I am the healthiest emotionally of the three of us. I just want him to come up out of the basement and when I am not around he will. He will open up to my husband sometimes. Most of the time he doesn't share what he is thinking. I have begged him to see someone and that just provokes more anger.  I am willing to move out if it will save him. Him leaving is not an option financially.  I think how can someone be so isolated and angry ALL the time.  I have been in therapy a year and there has been no change in him. I validate, show kindness, give him space, find fun things to do with my family, go out to dinner with my husband. Therapy has helped me from staying in bed depressed.  All the while my son is home and stuck. He hasn't let a person hug him in a year. How do you live without any touch at all. He won't even see a medical doctor or dentist.  Even with the daily practice of mindfulness, the stress is too much. I feel it with migraines, neck pain and upset stomach. I will leave him with his father if it will help him. Does anybody have an opinion?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Turkish]

That's odd that he won't let anyone touch them. It reminds me of Berne's research which started with animal mothers "stroking" their children, and that both animals and humans do require "strokes" (physical, verbal, emotional) to survive, or they wither.

Have you breached the subject with your husband yet?

I con understand your concern and anxiety about your son, but husband-wife is the primary relationship. That works better, of course, if your husband thinks so, too.

[esmaine]

This reminds me of my daughter back at the begining, she stayed indoors for almost 2 years, when she did finally venture out thats when the chaos started.  I feel your frustration as I too used to try all kinds of things to coax her out only to be greeted by angry outbursts, she was losing weight raplidly at this time also but thats another story.

In answer to your question if it were me I would stay for now but live your life independently, dont make yourself sick, theres comes a point when we have exhausted all options and have to wait for that person to hopefully reach out for help and as much as we would like to we cannot force it upon them unless of course in extreme circumstamces.

How old is your son?

[lbjnltx]

Moving out won't save him or you.  Wherever we go, there we are.

Keep taking care of yourself and work on radically accepting that your son is mentally ill and you don't have the power to change that.  We can only work on what we have the power to change, ourselves. Through our strength we can present opportunities that promote healing for our adult children and we cannot orchestrate the outcome.

Our efforts are best directed inward to grow in health and strength. 

lbj

[Kate4queen]

My BPD son treated my husband like this. I was the favored one and my husband was treated with unrelenting cruelty and hatred. I wasn't even fully aware of the extent of it because I was so busy trying to save all my relationships-with my husband, my son, my other children... .so I totally feel for you.

What can you do? I know for me and my husband we had to present a united front and together tell my son what our expectations were for him if he wanted to continue to live in our house. We had to go into that discussion knowing that our son would react violently to any change in the power balance and knowing that we might have to watch him walk out or call the police if he became violent and make him leave.

You sound like an amazing person much like my husband who put up with this terrible splitting because he loved me and didn't think it would be right to walk away. When I too became the bad person for my son, the scales fell from my eyes and I suddenly saw my son in a completely different light-it sounds stupid but it was the truth, but experiencing that hatred at full blast? Made me lock shoulders with my husband and sort out a new way for us to live with or without our son.

I think you need to stop taking all the burden on you, get your husband to stand with you or if he's not prepared to do that, then I think you need to consider your options. You can't let them define you and ruin your mental health as well.

[marie1057]

Thanks everyone for the replies. U know I have come to realize once again that my son isn't the only problem in my life. I have been married over 25 years and I have been through hell and back with my husband. However as long as I handle everything,  don't rock the boat or ask him to help make a decision about our son, my husband can be okay to live with especially now that he is older. He was a terror to live with all the early years.  I sat him down and discussed our son and he is so far in denial and I believe it's because he is BPD himself. Then he goes behind my back and I hear him tell my son your mother thinks you have mental health issues but she is the one who is crazy. We argue and the old crazy making has begun. Husband says son and I will live together. You need to get out. He says I am taking off work tomorrow to take you off the bank account and you won't see a dime of my retirement. I just sat there floored. No wonder son has so many problems. I have been the glue that held everything together all these years. They can't get maintenance done on a car, do the taxes, pay the bills on time, schedule house repairs, keep the house clean or do anything for themselves. 

So what do I do now?  Finding a place to live on just my retirement will be near impossible. I don't want to rush into anything. I wanted us to be a United force to help my son become independent. Perhaps Dad Needs son to stay dependent. Gonna be hard to sleep tonight. My head is splitting with a migraine.

[esmaine]

Do you have any other family or friends that could accommodate you for a few days just to give yourself some space to think clearly.

My heart goes out to you, it doesn't sound like your husband is ready or will ever be ready to acknowledge there's a problem and provide you with the support you desperately need.

You really need to think about putting yourself first and looking after your own needs first. Easier said than done but how much longer can you carry on like this. You can still be supportive  for your son if or when he's ready to be helped but think of yourself first for now