Moved across the country husband's huge fight with BPD mom before we left:(

[MiserableDaughter]

Hello all! Update for all of you. So it's done! I moved out to California with my husband and 3 year old son... .Across the country from my uBPD mom and enDad. I had to stay with them for two weeks prior to our move since between houses and my husband traveled back to CA for work... .Anyways he flew in for a day or two so we could fly back together and stayed with my folks also for a day...

So he noticed and I know that my son is at his absolute worst behavior when at my parents. My mom lets him scratch, bite, stay glued to TV and iPad etc. And if I told him no TV for bad behavior, she would go and whisper in his ear that she would give it to him later. Multiple times. When I was trying to get Him to behave she would gesture him to come to her. Lie know she does this with the excuse that "all grandparents do it." She let him stay awake until 1am every night because it was easier for her since I had to work in day and they were watching him, because he woke up later... .

Anyways, I tolerated all of it because I knew we are moving far away anyways so it's temporary. As I mentioned my husband only came for a day. We all went out for dinner and my son was massively misbehaving. Wouldn't eat. Was throwing food etc. When we tried to tell him to stop, my mom kept saying just come to grandma! We told her few times to stop and just ignore him since he started howling at this point Only because we said he needs to sit down and eat as opposed to jumping on his chair. But then she was making faces at him. My Husband saw it and absolutely lost it... .

I mean, he LOST it. First he said, we are trying to teach him something! Can you just stop? Then my mom pushed her plate and started crying saying "what did I do? He's always doing this with me! Always insults me!" Then my dad chimes in how my husband is so disrespectful etc. and they are older so should respect them. I guess because my husband had so much pent up from years, he let it allllllllll out. He literally was pointing a finger in my dad's face saying "you have ruined our marriage! You insulted my family! " he wouldn't stop. Kept going in a very threatening way. And my parents started their drama. Mom with her "he wants me to die!" And dad actually says "why don't u take a knife and kill me right now? I want to die!" And my husband says "enough drama . Always drama! Here let me help u!" And literally hands my dad a fork! I tried to hold him back and he was completely ignoring and saying everything under the son to them as they continued their drama! My husband said that he never wanted anything to do with them again blah blah. They walked out of restaurant, and best thing was we all had to go in same car to their house cause we were staying there's for night.

Literally my worst nightmare. The night before we left to move! Couldn't he shut up and ignore it for a few more hours? We would have been home free! He knows they are crazy! That's WHY we were moving! But no, he had to let it alllllllllll out right before we left and that too so so horribly ! I took him outside and I got so pissrd at him ! I was like you KNOW she is nuts! That's why we are moving! I wanted to leave on a positive note! We were almost home free? What is wrong with you? We are going for a new beginning and this is how you start?

So then he felt awful and said he'd fix it and grovel. So he did. Went and apologized and groveled saying he was overstressed  with moving work coming back and forth etc. and he said he was very rude and shouldn't have been. And in return my parents kept going about how they had never done any wrong. And my dad kept going about how my mom is soo great and loving and generous blah blah. Basically my husband had to agree with everything just to tide it over before we left. Essentially, my parents dismissed any fault they have ever had in causing so much trauma, ruining years of my marriage etc. so they were happy.

It was my worst nightmare and so very dramatic with dying, threats of heart attacks etc. worst thing I've seen between them.the night before our morning flight to move across the country.

They said they were over it because he apologized etc. yeah right. Will come back to haunt me. He had to swallow his pride big time and grovel to the people who have messed us up for years. Lovely. So here I am in CA... .Woo hoo.

[Sarah girl]

So glad you finally got away!      Congrats on your move! Only good things will come of this. The worst is now behind you. I'm sorry you had to go through that traumatic scene. It was the last thing you and your husband needed. The drama will blow over. Yes, they'll probably throw the incident in your face once in a while, but now, you're halfway accross the country and there's only so much damage they can do. Our moms can be the same person. Everything you described about her conduct with your son and the way she undermines your parenting is absolutely identical to what my mom does   . Absolutely infuriating. I have severy limited my mom's contact with my kids because of her stupid stunts.

So your husband got mad. Maybe it wasn't the ideal response, but I kind of understand where he's coming from. It's not the end of the world. Poor guy was probably carrying it inside him for a while. I'm sure the same thing will happen between my husband and mom one day. The closer we get to my due date, the more tension there is in the air.

I don't think that your parents will ever admit wrongdoing or responsibility. Even though it was hard for your husband to have to apologize, it was probably the most effective thing to do. So if they do bring up the incident, you can shut it down and tell them that it's water under the bridge - SO apologized, end of story.

Look at it this way: your worst nightmare came true and you survived. It's all out there now, so you don't have to live in fearful anticipation anymore. It might not feel like progress now, but you have broken free on so many levels and can now move on with YOUR life! Go treat yourself to something great - you totally deserve it.

[MiserableDaughter]

I suppose with a positive spin, I did survive my worst nightmare! I have to admit, being this far away, I feel the black cloud lifting away ! I have never felt like I can breathe in my life ! I feel like I can! I've never felt quite so free and it feels... .Weird. And I feel kind

Of guilty about it! Like they are probably so sad I'm

Gone and I'm feeling good... , and I so love the town home we rented! Totally my dream

Place! It's weird because we own two houses back home... .One giant 4000 square foot one with a pool, jacuzzi and the works... .And I've never felt comfortable there or have felt like its home. And yet this new townhomr, less than half the size of my house feels like home! Like I want to decorate it and really make it home! I've never felt like that! It's such an unknown feeling ! The feeling of taking a complete breath... .

[Kwamina]

Hi MiserableDaughter

I had been thinking about how things were going with you so thanks for this update.

A lot has happened in your life recently, I too like the positive spin Sarah girl has given to things though

I can totally understand and relate to that feeling of finally being able to breath and how strange it feels to be 'free'. Concerning the feelings of guilt, I often think of something from the work of Pete Walker who has written extensively about adults who were raised in abusive environments, perhaps you will find this helpful too:

"Feeling guilty does not mean I am guilty. I refuse to make my decisions and choices from guilt; sometimes I need to feel the guilt and do it anyway. In the inevitable instance when I inadvertently hurt someone, I will apologize, make amends, and let go of my guilt. I will not apologize over and over. I am no longer a victim. I will not accept unfair blame. Guilt is sometimes camouflaged fear. – “I am afraid, but I am not guilty or in danger”."

I am glad you like your new home and are able to take a complete breath now

[Harri]

Hi MD!  I have been thinking about you and your move.  Congratulations!  I am glad that you love your new home and feel so free.  The situation with your parents that last night with them is unfortunate but, like Sarah girl and Kwamina, I see nothing but positives there.  You did survive.  So did your husband.  While your parents got upset and did their usual, they got to hear some truths that both you and your husband have been holding in and hiding from them.  Certain things have needed to be said for a long long time.  Not for your parents benefit and certainly not for them to change, as we know that is not going to happen, but for the two of you to speak out and take a stand for your selves and stop hiding from the truth and protecting your parents from the consequences of their own behavior.

One of the concerns I have about you and your situation is that the same dynamic will continue even with the distance and get bad again when you move back.  (If I remember correctly, you said this move was temporary and you plan to move back near them in a couple of years.)  How would you feel about using the blow up as a stepping stone to more change?  Even though your husband apologized, there has been a change in the status quo of his behavior with them and I see that as a good thing.  Your husband blowing up was not, IMO, a bad thing at all.  Quite the opposite in fact.  Granted it is not good to lose your temper, but it is far far worse to keep holding all that in.  Look at all the damage doing that has done to the both of you and the impact it has already has on your son.  I think your husband deserves a bit of a celebration to be honest with you.  I say good for him! 

Distance is good, but it will do nothing if you continue to do the same thing over and over---> essentially rescuing them from the consequences of their own poor and damaging (to you and your family) behaviors.  Please, as you settle in and begin to breath more freely, think about how you can change how you interact with them and how you can build off the step your husband took that last evening with them.   You know how they behave so you can predict and plan how to respond in various situations that are sure to come up.  Being prepared can limit the amount of blow-ups too.  Use this wonderful freedom you have to set limits and boundaries.  You have already take the hardest step.  The rest won't be easy but it will be easier.

In the meantime, enjoyyour new home and life.  I am so very happy for you all.   

[Panda39]

Your husband blowing up was not, IMO, a bad thing at all.  Quite the opposite in fact.  Granted it is not good to lose your temper, but it is far far worse to keep holding all that in.  Look at all the damage doing that has done to the both of you and the impact it has already has on your son.  I think your husband deserves a bit of a celebration to be honest with you.  I say good for him! 

I absolutely agree with Harri, stuffing your feelings is never good.  Could your husband have handled things a little better yes but he is allowed to have and express his feelings. As are you.  He also was setting a boundary regarding your mother's behavior regarding your son.  Boundary setting is an excellent tool we talk about often on these boards.

If as Harri said your move is temporary you might while there is some separation from your parents start thinking about what boundaries you'd like to have and how you might accomplish them.

I'm so glad to hear you are enjoying your new home.  Here's hoping with some distance you come out of the FOG... .I'm not sure how you do that in San Francisco though?

Take Care,

Panda39

[MiserableDaughter]

Thank you. I guess it was a good thing in that even my husband seems to have felt some relief and seems to be more amenable to listening too. I took my son to a movie today and as we watched, my mind drifted to again thinking why I was across the country. I started flash backing to every holiday... .Every possible occasion that became about my mother. Everything from my graduation, to my son being born, to even his birthday parties! Somehow, mom would find a reason to be offended and ruin the occasions. I remember my law school graduation. Should have been such s great time but instead my mom sat with that miserable face because she was upset due to lack of attention from me or something. She had one of her drones (her best friend, the neediest person on the planet) telling me "you know how much your mom loves you?) I can't think of one occasion she didn't taint for me. So much that I'm not left with any good memories.

So why did I leave? I left because I couldn't stay. I was in a rut for a very very very long time. It ate away at my sanity. I couldn't enjoy anything because if today was a good day, tomorrow could be a terrible one depending on what mom got upset about. I lived on a roller coaster. I could never relax and breathe. I was afraid to truly enjoy my moments because she could ruin them the next day. I was always stuck between my husband and her... .Always afraid of the fights that could ensue. I wasn't living. I was only distracting myself. Constantly finding time fillers and projects so I didn't have to focus on the real problem... .My life.

So I left for my own survival. I would have withered away completely in that stupid dance. This will be my first thanksgiving ever away from my parents... .Those forced and uncomfortable meals out of obligation though I wanted to be celebrating with my closest friends... .This year I will be visiting some very healthy and normal family out on the west coast and I am very excited! I know my folks will be miserable but my brother and his wife will be with them.

We may move back in two years. Housing is ridiculous. If I find that I have better maintained boundaries and have healed enough for my mom to not affect me as much I will move back. No clue what happens. For now, I needed to live because my life had been sucked out for too damn long.

[Panda39]

Thank you. I guess it was a good thing in that even my husband seems to have felt some relief and seems to be more amenable to listening too. I took my son to a movie today and as we watched, my mind drifted to again thinking why I was across the country. I started flash backing to every holiday... .Every possible occasion that became about my mother. Everything from my graduation, to my son being born, to even his birthday parties! Somehow, mom would find a reason to be offended and ruin the occasions. I remember my law school graduation. Should have been such s great time but instead my mom sat with that miserable face because she was upset due to lack of attention from me or something. She had one of her drones (her best friend, the neediest person on the planet) telling me "you know how much your mom loves you?) I can't think of one occasion she didn't taint for me. So much that I'm not left with any good memories.

It sounds like you had some time to process your thoughts that you weren't able to do before because of your mom's constant bombardment with new things.  Definitely sounds to me like you are beginning to decompress.

 

So why did I leave? I left because I couldn't stay. I was in a rut for a very very very long time. It ate away at my sanity. I couldn't enjoy anything because if today was a good day, tomorrow could be a terrible one depending on what mom got upset about. I lived on a roller coaster. I could never relax and breathe. I was afraid to truly enjoy my moments because she could ruin them the next day.

Yes we've all experienced the proverbial "waiting for the other shoe to drop".   (and sometimes we get hit in the side of the head with it too  )

I was always stuck between my husband and her... .

This is a really hard place to be... .those pesky dysfunctional triangles.   I know you've been here awhile so you might have seen this information already but I'll attach it just in case.  It might be something to work on... .How do you take yourself out of the triangle?

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108440.0

Always afraid of the fights that could ensue. I wasn't living. I was only distracting myself. Constantly finding time fillers and projects so I didn't have to focus on the real problem... .My life.

This is a good realization... .have you been thinking about what you want to do going forward?  I know you and your husband have been struggling is Marriage Counseling part of the plan?  Now would be the perfect time to focus on the two of you and become a stronger team.

This will be my first thanksgiving ever away from my parents... .Those forced and uncomfortable meals out of obligation though I wanted to be celebrating with my closest friends... .

What do you think stopped you?  How do you think you could change this in the future?

This is within your power to change. 

This year I will be visiting some very healthy and normal family out on the west coast and I am very excited!

Enjoy the day!

I know my folks will be miserable but my brother and his wife will be with them.

Do you recognize in this statement that your parents will be miserable with you or without you (or your brother and his wife) so rather than being miserable with them, how about in the future you do Thanksgiving with friends and have a nice time and let the miserable be miserable by themselves.  Remember you can't change someone else or what they do, you can only change yourself and what you do.

Take Care,

Panda39