She's Leaving (again).

[Cole]

This morning, BPD/bipolar wife announced she accepted a job out of state last week and is moving out next week. For those following the drama, she did this a couple months ago and was back 31 hours later.    

She had a major breakdown last week and was referred to the partial hospitalization program, which lasted 1 hour before she signed out AMA. She is, at least, continuing to take her meds and see her T.

This week she has been very affectionate, flirtatious, and loving, referring to me as her husband quite often. She has been stuck to me like glue when I am home and calls and texts me at work. She has even been bringing sex up a lot, talking about how great our sex life used to be. Last night, she said she was glad she quit her new second shift job (another story in itself) so she could be home with me and the kids in the evening. Yet, now she plans to move out and be gone all the time. We ordered pizza last night from a new place and she made a point of putting them in her phone for next time, even though she apparently will be gone next week. Makes no sense.    

This morning, she was going on about how she is jealous of all the other women in our family who are married and know their husbands love them. How she wishes she was not crazy. She has such low self esteem that she cannot accept I love her, no matter how hard I try to show her.

She has said many times over she does not want a divorce and does not know how she will live without me. Yet, she says she has to leave because she is so guilty over how she has treated me and the kids. She blames herself for our son's Autism based on an affair she had when he was 3.

So, I get to go through this craziness again. Right now, she is out of state taking her pre-employment drug screening and signing her apartment lease (at least that is her plan). Maybe she will change her mind. Maybe she will move out and come back the next day. Maybe she will leave and not come back. Who knows? I just know I cannot take much more of this.  

     

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ColdEthyl]

I am so so sorry, Cole.  I know you have been doing everything humanly possible to show your wife how much you love her. Your actions scream that.

[Cole]

I am so so sorry, Cole.  I know you have been doing everything humanly possible to show your wife how much you love her. Your actions scream that.

Thank you, CE. The sad thing is she is planning to walk away from her husband, children, and home not because she wants to, but because she feels we would be better off without her. Core shame is a big issue here.   

[ColdEthyl]

I am so so sorry, Cole.  I know you have been doing everything humanly possible to show your wife how much you love her. Your actions scream that.

Thank you, CE. The sad thing is she is planning to walk away from her husband, children, and home not because she wants to, but because she feels we would be better off without her. Core shame is a big issue here.   

In the back of my head, I'm always concerned about this with my husband. He is always saying how I deserve better, the kids deserve better, if I was smart I would dump him, etc.

How is the communication right now? Is there some way you can show her how much she means? Like... .make a scrap book of all the memories of her and the kids... .her doing things for them like teaching them how to walk, or holding their hand, etc?

[AsGoodAsItGets]

So so, sorry, your story really made me cry.  I hope good things for you.  With this illness all we can do is be loving and hope.

[Cole]

How is the communication right now? Is there some way you can show her how much she means? Like... .make a scrap book of all the memories of her and the kids... .her doing things for them like teaching them how to walk, or holding their hand, etc?

That is the bizarre part. Communication has been great this week, except having not told me until today that she took an out of state job last week.  

She has been talking a lot about when the kids were little and the happy times we have had together.

[ColdEthyl]

Maybe you can show her this. Ask her to reconsider. What was her response when you said you didn't want her to leave and the family does need her?

[ColdEthyl]

Maybe you can show her this. Ask her to reconsider. What was her response when you said you didn't want her to leave and the family does need her?

Ehh... .that'd not going to work unless you are an ant Let me see if I can figure out a way to share that

[ColdEthyl]

i732.photobucket.com/albums/ww325/NightmaidenBOD/12219620_10104434987511279_1569395664599798852_n.jpg this link should work

[Cole]

She just called and went off about how someone in my family said something snotty to her... .15 years ago. Then she screamed over and over about how she has ruined my life. Finally got her calmed down then she hung up.

Really wish she would go far enough to get an involuntary commitment, she needs more help than she is willing to admit.     

[ColdEthyl]

She just called and went off about how someone in my family said something snotty to her... .15 years ago. Then she screamed over and over about how she has ruined my life. Finally got her calmed down then she hung up.

Really wish she would go far enough to get an involuntary commitment, she needs more help than she is willing to admit.     

*sighs* I am so sorry, dear. Yeah... .it sounds a bit more like Max's wife (no offense, Max! <3) where the BPD is pretty strong. She's kind of tying your hands here, hun. You can only do so much. Did she put the deposit down and everything?

[Cole]

*sighs* I am so sorry, dear. Yeah... .it sounds a bit more like Max's wife (no offense, Max! <3) where the BPD is pretty strong. She's kind of tying your hands here, hun. You can only do so much. Did she put the deposit down and everything?

No. She called back again and now the apartment she was moving into next week is suddenly not available until the 20th. I doubt they would rent her an apartment based on the fact that she is going to have a job in the future; I don't see her passing a rental app without a job. No money has been taken out of our account, the check book is right here in my desk, and she has no other source of money, so I don't even know how she was going to put down a deposit.  I doubt there is much truth to what she is saying.

When she called back, she started in again about how much I mean to her and went back and forth between not deserving to be married to me and wanting out because I don't respect her. Then she blamed all our problems on my mother. Yesterday she blamed the wife of an acquaintance I have not seen since 2005, last week she blamed it all on our autistic son, and before that on her mom.   

I am not even sure where she is right now, but when/if she returns I am going to try to get her to go back the the emergency room and push for intake. I am worried she is losing touch with reality. 

[ColdEthyl]

Yeah it sounds like her mind is really grasping at straws trying to fond something to pin her agony on. How heartbreaking for you and the kids  I hope she comes back soon and you can get her in. Is she medicated?

[sweetheart]

Hello cole,

I have some alarm bells going off reading this. You're wife sounds very unwell and I think you are doing the right thing in trying to get her back to the hospital. It sounds like that is very much where she needs to be right now.

Given what has been going on for her recently this would not be the time for her to be making any life changing decisions, about work, accommodation etc.

I suggest that you maybe contact the hospital program that assessed her and express your concerns and ask for their advice about getting her into hospital or assessed again for in-patient care. Failing that do u have a family doctor or T that knows your situation?

Try and coax her to come back, is she contactable?

[formflier]

I am not even sure where she is right now, but when/if she returns I am going to try to get her to go back the the emergency room and push for intake. I am worried she is losing touch with reality. 

Cole,

 

Hang in there dude. 

Do you think there is "enough" to make the intake stick?  As I look at the story I think it will be close.

The "fear" I have is that there will not be enough for them to hold her... .then she bolts because of what you are trying to do to her.

How can you figure out what the intake people "need" to keep her?  We want to make sure, as best as possible, that any "action" you take nudges the trajectory in a good direction. 

Your story reminds me of one of my best Navy buds.  This was way before I knew about BPD or any of  that.  His wife kept taking off and he was such a good loyal guy... .and kept taking her back. 

He was not the kind of guy to make idle threats.  He had enough.  She proposed another "leaving" time and the one and only time he ever proposed a consequence  was this time.  He told her that if she left she was leaving for good and he would never take her back.

She indicated it was important enough that she would risk that.  Next day she got a uhaul and a couple friends and loaded a few things.  My buddy got some beer in a cooler, sat on the front porch and watched them load. 

She spoke to him before driving off.  He was pleasant but firm in saying that if she drove away he would never take her back.  She drove away.  She tried to come back a while later.  He said no.  They divorced and he had a stable home for the kids, her home was usually chaotic.  Both kids are grown now and turned out ok.  My buddy stayed single for a while and focused on kids.  After kids got off to college he got into a r/s with a great gal, they married and seem truly happy.  The first wife that left has had a string of failed r/s.

I tell you this because you seem like a "solid guy" that would get along good with me and my Navy buds.

I'm very concerned about the trajectory that your wife is on but I really have the sense that YOU will be ok. 

Really trying to think through anything we may have missed in your story.  Any idea what your wife "gets" from this leaving and coming back. 

Hang in there man!

FF

[Cole]

Sorry for the delayed response; been a little hectic around here. Thanks to all, particularly FF for your support.

FF, We are right where your Navy bud was. I made it very clear that she has two options:

1. Return to the partial hospitalization program or in patient. I will go to MC with her and work on us when she is better.

2. Move. Divorce papers will be delivered by month's end.

In typical BPD fashion, she claims I am being a control freak and will not meet her half way (half way = she does whatever she wants and I take her back when she changes her mind.) 

[Cole]

Yeah it sounds like her mind is really grasping at straws trying to fond something to pin her agony on. How heartbreaking for you and the kids  I hope she comes back soon and you can get her in. Is she medicated?

Failing that do u have a family doctor or T that knows your situation?

Yes, she is medicated and doers take them as directed. Her T, her psychiatrist, our family doctor, and the doctor who examined her when she was in the ER week before last have all tried to get her to go back to the partial hospitalization program or seek in-patient care. (She went to partial hospitalization for about 1 hour then signed out AMA.) 

As a former police officer, I know what it takes to involuntarily commit someone. I had to do it a few times. She is really messed up, but has not threatened to hurt herself or anyone else. Not much anyone can do at this point but try to talk her into going back.   

[formflier]

 

Can you meet her halfway and file for separation instead of divorce.  Separation that involves full custody of kids (for you).

Perhaps that could be a wakeup call that she needs and put her in the situation of "fighting" to get her family back.

If she will fight you in court... why would she not complete a program (inpatient) to get better.

Note:  Laws in your state may not make a difference on divorce and separation... .some states do.

pwBPD will get the "burn" of being excluded from family.  They may try to blame you for it... .but if you create a pathway back to the family... .that is "through" the inpatient program... .maybe... .just maybe.

Yes... .advice is to not back down.  I would see meeting her halfway (legal separation) not as backing down.

Are you guys in MC.

Does her P know about her antics?

OK... .last thought for now.  You know this from your police days.   If you separate from her... .get custody... .that will increase stress.

How will that affect her behavior?

What do you think chances are that the new behavior will rise to the level of involuntary commitment?

FF

[Cole]

We do not have legal separation in our state.

Her idea of half way is she moves out and spends her time running around her home town trying to relive high school while I raise the kids and hold down the fort. Her new job will barely pay living expenses, so she thinks I will pay all the kids expenses, her insurance and medical bills, etc... .when I ask who pays to break her lease agreement if she decides to move back, she changes the topic and goes on a rage over whatever comes to mind.

As for what she thinks she will get from moving, she has no answer.

[formflier]

 

Have you talked to your lawyer about a "post-nuptial" agreement.

You agree to her terms about moving and all of that... and one of your terms is "verifiable treatment"... basically did she attend... .I suppose there could be a clause about "following directions" but that would be really open to interpretation.

Chances are low that she would sign but that's about the only other thing I could see that is between where you are and filing divorce.

FF

[formflier]

 

Oh yeah... .was thinking about your situation during  my walk I just took... .

Couple questions

Do you know what you wife's "core wound" is?  For instance... .my wife was a twin, they didn't know whey were having twins until she came out.   Her twin is a boy and she has an older sister.

Basically... .she was not wanted and not needed.  Parents already had a boy and girl.

Everything was given to the older girl... .my wife worked for all she had (school clothes, cars, paying for school books).  The brother was not allowed to make any decisions for himself... .mom told him everything to do.

So... .it turns out I got the "pick of the litter" because she is much higher functioning than brother or sister.  This is because she had to figure things out for herself.

But, anytime she perceives I "don't want her"... .or that I "value" someone else more than her... .KABOOM!

FF

[Cole]

Oh yeah... .was thinking about your situation during  my walk I just took... .

Couple questions

Do you know what you wife's "core wound" is?  For instance... .my wife was a twin, they didn't know whey were having twins until she came out.   Her twin is a boy and she has an older sister.

Basically... .she was not wanted and not needed.  Parents already had a boy and girl.

Everything was given to the older girl... .my wife worked for all she had (school clothes, cars, paying for school books).  The brother was not allowed to make any decisions for himself... .mom told him everything to do.

So... .it turns out I got the "pick of the litter" because she is much higher functioning than brother or sister.  This is because she had to figure things out for herself.

But, anytime she perceives I "don't want her"... .or that I "value" someone else more than her... .KABOOM!

FF

Core wound depends on what day you ask her. There seem to be plenty of them, mostly things that a non would forget about the next day and move on. They can be as big as her dad not sticking up for her when her mom was cruel to her to little things like innocent comments made by someone years or decades ago that only she remembers. 

Perceiving that I value someone/something else more than her is a recurring theme for me, too. It has been my job, the property, my mother, her family, and a host of other things. Even a girlfriend I have not seen ore heard from since 1988; W would not have even known about her is she had not looked in an old yearbook.

During the day today, she has been constantly texting me and calling just to hear my voice. Either she is insecure at the moment and needs me or she is playing her manipulation game so I will agree to stay married while she runs off again. Will find out when I get home. I am standing firm on this boundary. I am done with the run away from home game.  

[AsGoodAsItGets]

Good luck.  Boundries are the the forks in the road of life.

[Cole]

Good luck.  Boundries are the the forks in the road of life.

Well stated.

She left today. Said this is not what she wants, that she loves me, and is not sure this is the right thing to do.

I stood firm that this is the end. I am not playing this game again. If she would rather run away and chase after a $10.00 hour job than work on holding her marriage and family together, then that is her decision.

Moving to the leaving board. 

[formflier]

 

Cole,

Hang in there man... .!

 

FF

[Cole]

Cole,

Hang in there man... .!

 

FF

Thanks for the support, FF. This would have been much easier if we had not just had three wonderful days together. We talked, did things with the kids, and were very close physically. I thought she would change her mind, stay, and go to the partial hospitalization program all her doctors want her to go to. Then we could try M/C.

In the end she did leave, and I have to enforce this boundary. It will be N/C unless it has to do with co-parenting the kids from here on out.

[ColdEthyl]

I'm so sorry it came down to this, Cole. You did everything you could... .we all saw how hard you fought and worked on your marriage. *hugs*