Hi todayistheday
Panda39 has given you some great advice!
Now that I am out of the house, she is not as mean to me, in fact she's kind of nice to me a lot of the time.
Well kind of nice is at least kind of an improvement
She's been raging on him since Tuesday because he got himself a sandwich at McDonalds and didn't her get one. AFTER HE ASKED if she wanted anything and she said no. Once I told him he could talk about it if he wanted to, he poured his heart out.
This reminds me of something from our article/workshop about validation where an example is giving about how even when the other person says no, the person can still get mad because you 'should' have known that it really was 'yes'. It's difficult dealing with situations like this. I am sorry your dad is still going through this.
I am so sad for him. I wish I could do more than just listen. At his age,he is not going to get counseling. Even if he did, she would find out and rage on him about that, thereby negating any good it did him.
Sometimes listening and showing that you care is the best thing you can do for another person. The fact that you listened to him, just might have given him the strength to get through that difficult day. I totally understand your desire for wanting to do more for your dad, yet by listening to him and showing that you care, you might be doing more for him than you realize.
This is how good a man he is. He said that he would have left her years ago if she'd had a job and could have taken care of herself. But he won't leave her. He made a commitment to take care of her and is going to do so the best way he can.
He made a commitment and whether it is right or wrong, I do respect his choice and loyalty. Your mother is disordered and your dad does realize that, and within this context he's trying to make the best of things. He made a commitment out of a sense of duty, knowing full and well the consequences for him, yet he still chose to do it and that is something I respect and understand. It is unfortunate though that his choice is taking such a huge toll on him.
I just wish I could help him more. He's a good person and he's miserable and it's not fair. (I know, the only fair has a ferris wheel in the middle). My heart sometimes just aches for him. I don't even know how to express how deeply I feel for him here. My eyes are watering a bit as I type this.
From everything you say it becomes clear how much you care about your dad. Caring from afar is sometimes all we can do, but like I said before, the fact that he knows you care and are there for him might be a greater gift to him than you realize. A listening ear and some kind words can work wonders.
I don't know if this is emotional incest in the strictest term. For one thing, I put myself there, he doesn't demand it of me. Given his personality, he'd stop if I asked him to. I'm not going to do that. He will have no other outlet if I'm not there for him. And the nBPD Dad, not uBPD.
I think there are various ways to look at things. As we get older and educate ourselves about BPD we can then make choices to be there for our loved ones. Choices that are not the result of fear, obligation, guilt, emotional incest etc., but choices that are the result of our love and personal sense of duty. When you see someone hurting I see it as a positive thing if you try to help that person, while at the same time keeping certain boundaries in place and protecting our own well-being. We are living in an imperfect reality with a lot of challenges as a result of our disordered family-members. Within that context I think you are doing the best you can and are navigating yourself through these challenges.
Take care
