Mother in law problems and she is visiting for Thanksgiving.

[aaf17]

I have recently been reading up about borderline personality disorder and it describes my mother in law perfectly.  She is extremely emotional and shames my husband whenever he disagrees with her.  She is going to be visiting for Thanksgiving and I am not looking forward to all of her comments.   Whenever I leave the room I can hear her whispering about me, or when we go out to dinner she will start crying for no reason and only look at me.  I am so sick of it I just started to act like nothing is wrong and then as soon as I leave the room she says things like, 'I don't want to make her mad'. Which makes me mad, I only have so much patience.  One of the last visits she told my husband that my daughter was going to get brain damage because I put her in her baby swing too much.  Any advice on how to deal with her comments and outbursts?  Her oldest son won't even speak to her or let her see his kids, and the rest of the family thinks he is the crazy one. 

[Kwamina]

Hi aaf17

The way your mother in law behaves does sound rather unpleasant indeed. Quite difficult to handle those emotional outbursts.

Has she always behaved this way since you were married? And do you know how she behaved when your husband was growing up?

The comment she made about your daughter is not a pleasant thing to be hearing at all coming from a grandmother. How would you describe the relationship she has with your son? You say that she shames him, but are the two of them close? Does your husband also believe she has a personality disorder?

Take care and welcome to bpdfamily

[aaf17]

She has been this way, but not towards me.  She used to act like this to her oldest son and wife who has no contact now, but she would always play it off like it was his fault.  My husband says that he never really got any attention when he was a kid, mostly because he has three brothers.  He didn't see anything wrong with the way she was treating him till I started to point it out, which I am sure is why she is acting this way towards me.  He always said that she would get really mad and rip up their school pictures and then cry.  They had six dogs growing up, because his mom would take them to get one from the shelter and then after a year she would get sick of it and take it to get put to sleep while they were in school so they would get home and the dog would be gone.  No warning or anything.  She put the oldest brother's dog to sleep and he hurried and went to get it back but it was too late.  Now his family laughs about it.  (excluding the brother, of course, because he doesn't contact them anymore.)  It's just so twisted.  I can't even enjoy being with his family because they just act like there is nothing wrong with what she says or does. 

My husband is a very forgiving person, more like his dad and lets things go when it comes to his mom.  She will yell at him on the phone and hang up for no reason, and he says its just what she does.  She will intentionally not call him when he is promoted or during anything exciting for him if she feels he has disagreed with her about something.  He says maybe she forgot, but when he asks her she tells him directly that she knows he was promoted and she didn't like the way he talked to her the day before.  It is so petty and the way she says it is so nasty.  It's hard to hear someone talk to him like that, especially his own mother.  She shames him about his weight, his job, what he knows.  It's ongoing and he says she is crazy but I don't think he thinks she has a personality disorder.  Mostly because he is unfamiliar with psych.  His oldest brother tried to get her to go to therapy with him so she could see her grandchildren but she stopped going after two visits and then told the entire family everything her son said in therapy, which everyone knows is supposed to be confidential. 

If it were my way I wouldn't talk to her at all but she insists on calling, texting and stalking me on social media.  Is there a way to politely tell my husband that other than holidays and visits I don't want to talk to her, he can talk to her alone?  I can't even enjoy my daughter's first holidays because I know how dramatic it is going to get. I dread every visit.   

[Kwamina]

Hi aaf17,

That story about what she did to those dogs is heartbreaking :'(

We have some resources here about boundaries and communication techniques that I think can be helpful to you. Helpful in your interactions with your MIL but also for talking to your husband. Setting and enforcing/defending firm boundaries is very important when dealing with someone with BPD, this to protect your own well-being:

Setting Boundaries and Setting Limits

The communication techniques can help you express and assert yourself in a way that minimizes the likelihood of (further) conflict while maximizing the likelihood of you speaking your truth and getting through to the other person. These structured communication techniques can also help you stay more calm yourself.

Communication Skills - Validation

Express yourself: S.E.T. --> Support, Empathy, Truth

Assert yourself: D.E.A.R.M.A.N. --> Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, Stay Mindful, Appear Confident, Negotiate

I hope you will find this helpful.

[LepoqueModerne]

Hi aaf17,

Sounds like you've really gone through a difficult time with your MIL. All those critical comments, talking about you behind your back, talking badly about your husband and general vilification can be so hurtful. Sounds like you're not the only one who has suffered at her hands (along with those poor dogs!) I've been there too and my heart goes out to you  

Are you able to talk to your husband about how your mother in law makes you feel? How does your husband deal with it when his mother talks badly about you?

I ask this because in my experience, it was very hard not having my husband stand up for me when his mother was bad-mouthing me. I found Susan Forward's book "Toxic In-laws" a wonderful starting place for learning how to communicate with my husband and set boundaries.

We also ended up going to couples counseling (after many years of misery and, like you, extra stress around holidays and family events). We worked out exactly what our boundaries were going to be around many aspects of our lives, holidays included. Do you think you would be able to work on defining boundaries together, either with a third party or together with the help of resources on this site?

Arriving at a place where we could remain strong as a couple has certainly helped enormously. It was a long bumpy road to get there! Things are still messy and far from perfect (it hasn't changed the way my uBPD MIL behaves one bit!) but changing US has certainly made things much more manageable.

[aaf17]

Hi, thanks for your advice.  It is very frustrating when my husband doesn't stand up for me.  It makes me feel like he is taking her side.  Sounds silly, but makes things a lot worse.  I did try to talk to him about this problem tonight and it started a huge fight.  He tells me I am the one with the problem and the one being mean.  He says he can't remember her saying any of the things I refer to him about.  All I asked him to do was to talk to his mother in private and leave me out of the conversation.  He is constantly putting me on speaker phone and telling her I am there, which puts me on the spot.  I don't want to talk to her.  She refuses to leave me alone tho.  She will call, text and email me if I don't respond, which makes it more frustrating when he puts me on speaker and leaves me feeling cornered.  She lives all the way across the country, why is she ruining my marriage?  I will look into the book you recommended.  My husband would never agree to counseling and if he did, he would turn around and tell his mother all about it.  Honestly, I feel like the only way to get away from her is to divorce him. 

[LepoqueModerne]

Hi aaf17. It certainly doesn't sound silly. I could have easily written your exact post! I know I felt very unheard, discouraged and powerless. And fighting with your husband over your MIL is certainly not a fun place to be. My MIL is a pretty classic Queen BPD. She lives an ocean away and was still able to wreak havoc on our lives and bring our relationship to the brink! Glad you're giving the Susan Forward book a try- hope you're able to find something in there that speaks to you and works for your particular situation.

If you don't think your husband will join you in counseling you can always consider the option of going for yourself. I know change happened for me when I took back what I was in control of- my thoughts, my behaviours, my reactions.

Sorry you have to go through this tough situation! 

[aaf17]

Thanks LepoqueModerne, I am waiting to buy the book till after the weekend.  I wanted to buy it this past weekend online, but I am worried that it will get here while my in laws are here and they would have a breakdown.  I am still going to search a few bookstores in town to double check tho, because I would rather read a little before I have to deal with people.