So hard letting go

[Itstopsnow]

My relationship with my ex BF was stormy almost from the start. He was 32 and leaving the priesthood. I was 4 years older. I found him to be very sweet, innocent, with a little social awkwardness. He was very into me and into a commitment with me right from the start. It made me feel wonderful. He called me beautiful names, we spent everyday together literally . He stayed over all the time. He was my life. I did everything I could to help him. I enjoyed our time together. We traveled so much. Not picking up on the impulsive nature of traveling and spending so much money which neither of us really had. I spent so much money on him. And in his defense he spent all he was making too. He went through 4 career changes and was very nasty to me when we fought, which turned out to be daily after a while. We broke up in August. In that time we still haven't stopped fully talking or seeing each other. He's dating a girl now and says she's not very pretty Bc he has low self esteem and living home with family he feels he can't get a good looking girl. So he claims she's heavy and below average. I don't know what to believe from him. He lies so much now. I feel like I never knew him. He even said to me the other day that he's been out of the priesthood 3 years. I had to correct him and tell him it's been only one year and 4 months. He lies so much he's starting to believe his lies. He tells me he only went on 4 dates with this girl but I know he's lying and he thinks he has an STD from oral sex. He is getting checked. He claims he hasn't had Sex with her yet. Which is another lie. I should just go no contact! I'm in therapy . My therapist thinks maybe I'm missing my mom. Who died when I was 18. I think she might have been borderline too. This man wasn't a great boyfriend to me. I mean we did have a lot of fun, but we did whenever he wanted to do, and he would belittle me and put me down during every fight, And now I can't trust him anymore. At least when we dated I did trust him, Bc he was always with me. He had no friends. But now since our final break up on August 28th . I feel he crossed a line to being a totally different guy. I'm trying to date now too. But he won't tell me his real feelings for her. I am very up front with him regarding my dating experience. He tells me he's not that into her, she's overweight, not a great personality, but then why is he with her? I asked him if he's emotionally bonding with her, and he won't tell me. I just want to know so I can protect myself from further hurt. He won't leave her so that makes me believe he is into more than he is saying. I know he's got abandonment issues. But I feel like he's trying to be manipulative . Telling me he loves me and wants to see me. Then we hang out and go away over night and he gets so nasty with me . Threatening to leave me in AC when we did an overnight and threatening the same when we stayed in philly  . Threatening to spit in my face again and wanted to throw water on me. There was almost no talking him down from that. I thank God he didn't. But I feel he has almost gotten worse not better. I should just walk away . Why am I still hanging on. When he clearly doesn't love me in a healthy way. Please anyone help me! Can anyone relate or tell me what they think of him or this situation

[OnceConfused]

can you write down the reasons why you feel you want to get back with him?

If you get back to him, what makes you think you will be happy ?

[Itstopsnow]

I don't know why I want him back so bad. I was never fully happy, it was always some level of drama. He called me stupid and retarded. I spent the bulk of my money on us when we dated and felt with his mood swings. But I am very attached and loved his attention. He filled a huge void in me. And we did laugh a lot together. But it was so one sided . I'm so addicted to him. We would talk and text everyday so many times a day and see each other all the time. At first it was overwhelming but I got used to it. I feel like I'm not a person without him. That's how emeshed we were. I admired many qualities in him and I guess believed his put downs. I feel so broken . This is a much worse situation then I had when I was his girlfriend . Because now he's dating and still knows he has me.