mixed feelings

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Last night I had a dream about my BPDex.  I dreamt that I was still very much in love with him, and that I didn't want to leave his side. Near the end of the dream, he gets on a new bike and rode away. With no regard for me.

It's been a year since we broke up, and 8 months NC.  Today I was telling a friend of mine about the dream, and she gave me an update on my BPDex.  It seems like he's moved again, made new friends, got a new job.  It's like he has a six month cycle, with girlfriends, jobs and apartments. Having known him for four years now, this is really a cycle that just keeps going on and on and on.  And to be honest, I felt so sad.  It's not any way to live a life.  I've realized that everyone close to him has probably gotten the same treatment as I got.  I also find this total lack of stability and anything constant in his life to be incredibly frightening.   Like someone walking through life with absolutely no bearings... .he's lost.  And every person he finds and latches on to is yet another buoy that sinks under his weight... .and still he refuses to learn how to swim.  I'm sad because I think he's actually a good person... .but he's totally lost at sea.  I wish there were solutions to this,  and I guess, I know there are.  I guess I wish he would learn how to swim.  It's hard to know people you care about are suffering. And who knows, maybe he's really happy to be starting out again, and he'll have a new girlfriend again, and yadi yadi yadi - and I'm wasting my time with feeling sad. But I can't fathom the life that he lives. It's completely unstable and changing, all the time... .  I don't know how he does it. I've met lots of people with BPD traits, and they at least manage to keep their friends, jobs and apartments.  I believe that he has moved 10 times in 4 years.

[caughtnreleased]

Last night I had a dream about my BPDex.  I dreamt that I was still very much in love with him, and that I didn't want to leave his side. Near the end of the dream, he gets on a new bike and rode away. With no regard for me.

It's been a year since we broke up, and 8 months NC.  Today I was telling a friend of mine about the dream, and she gave me an update on my BPDex.  It seems like he's moved again, made new friends, got a new job.  It's like he has a six month cycle, with girlfriends, jobs and apartments. Having known him for four years now, this is really a cycle that just keeps going on and on and on.  And to be honest, I felt so sad.  It's not any way to live a life.  I've realized that everyone close to him has probably gotten the same treatment as I got.  I also find this total lack of stability and anything constant in his life to be incredibly frightening.   Like someone walking through life with absolutely no bearings... .he's lost.  And every person he finds and latches on to is yet another buoy that sinks under his weight... .and still he refuses to learn how to swim.  I'm sad because I think he's actually a good person... .but he's totally lost at sea.  I wish there were solutions to this,  and I guess, I know there are.  I guess I wish he would learn how to swim.  It's hard to know people you care about are suffering. And who knows, maybe he's really happy to be starting out again, and he'll have a new girlfriend again, and yadi yadi yadi - and I'm wasting my time with feeling sad. But I can't fathom the life that he lives. It's completely unstable and changing, all the time... .  I don't know how he does it. I've met lots of people with BPD traits, and they at least manage to keep their friends, jobs and apartments.  I believe that he has moved 10 times in 4 years.

[caughtnreleased]

Does the behaviour I have described sound like BPD? It seems like he just ejects people from his life because he is too sensitive to any kind of disagreement.