New contact with the ex - and with myself

[rickdeckard]

Two days ago the ex emailed me. It was unexpected.

I'd had one or two contacts with her since we split in January of '14, they were brief and, well, silly things about her using fake FB profiles to message me (obviously I was not happy about that).

This new email made me jump when I saw the name, and a bunch of feelings came up.

It was apologetic, how she regretted hurting me, how I was the only man that ever truly loved her, she has been working on herself, realizes she has been manipulated by replacement, didn't expect a response, knew she wouldn't get one. Yeah, I know - I'm not the first person to have gotten one of these.

My first reply was a very angry one - I didn't send it

My second reply was "I'm here for you, etc" - I didn't send it

My third reply was that she was wrong, I would reply. But not right now. I did send that one.

Then I sent another, asking why she suddenly decided to contact me. Nothing accusational or mean, I was curious.

Then I typed up two more, one very lovey, another very mean. Didn't send either.

Yes, I see how messed up that is. Not done yet... .

I waited a day and sent a longer email. Not pages long. Just with some detail. Mostly nice, but with a jab in it about replacement - she dumped me for him, and is now complaining.

Today I woke up thinking about that. About the resentment that caused me to poke sticks at her. About how toxic it is to carry that resentment. I realized that I have de-humanized her in my head, she has become some kind of bogeyman, associated mainly with the bad things that happened. And my knee jerk reaction is to respond to that evil, bad person I have made her into, rather than the actual human she is.

Realizing this was a big wake up. Some seriously bad thinking on my part, very black and white. Something I really, really need to work on. And look closer at myself and see what else I am thinking of in this way.

I did send one more email, apologizing and basically stating the above. And thanking her for contacting me because it made me realize these things about myself.

It's good to be reminded that we need to stay mindful of our thoughts.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey rick, It sounds to me like you are encouraging her, on one level, while resenting her, on another level.  Why all the gyrations?  If it's over, let it go.  If you want to recycle, suggest you think hard before you jump back in the soup.   LJ

[eeks]

I waited a day and sent a longer email. Not pages long. Just with some detail. Mostly nice, but with a jab in it about replacement - she dumped me for him, and is now complaining.

Today I woke up thinking about that. About the resentment that caused me to poke sticks at her. About how toxic it is to carry that resentment. I realized that I have de-humanized her in my head, she has become some kind of bogeyman, associated mainly with the bad things that happened. And my knee jerk reaction is to respond to that evil, bad person I have made her into, rather than the actual human she is.

Realizing this was a big wake up. Some seriously bad thinking on my part, very black and white. Something I really, really need to work on. And look closer at myself and see what else I am thinking of in this way.

I did send one more email, apologizing and basically stating the above. And thanking her for contacting me because it made me realize these things about myself.

It's good to be reminded that we need to stay mindful of our thoughts.

Hi rickdeckard,

Welcome to the Personal Inventory board! 

Maybe you're comparing yourself to a perceived ideal of not getting emotionally triggered this way to be motivated to write these emails at all, but I don't think it's "messed up" to draft a bunch of emails that you don't send.  "Sleep on it" or "walk away (from the computer, phone etc.)" can be a useful strategy. 

That sounds like it was an important realization for you, noticing that feelings of resentment and pain caused you to cast your ex as an "evil bogeyman".

It seems to me that when people are feeling intense hurt as the result of relationship conflict, rejection or breakup, a common way of trying to avoid or reduce that pain is either blaming themselves or blaming their partner. 

In my view, one of the antidotes to that is self-empathy.  Really honestly facing, feeling and processing the pain that you feel.  It's hard, so no wonder people habitually blame instead!  It can also be difficult to learn on your own, sometimes it takes working with a therapist who works directly with emotional awareness and empathy (in my experience finding a therapist who can do this is hit-and-miss). 

[Circle]

Deckard,

Sounds like you've got some good words from members.

Inspiring to read about your self awareness.

Well, one thing is for sure; you know you're human, not android.



-C

[pallavirajsinghani]

Replies in themselves are Pandora's Box... .the lid is off, the genie is out... .that in itself is an opening for being recycled.

So, NC is really the way to go.

All these emails that you have drafted or want to draft... .draft them and post them here.  This is a method of "journaling" your emotions.  It's a way of processing them and glean valuable insights from them, just as you did.  Except, post them here... .do not send... .just a suggestion for the future.

The healthy mind over time, tends to forget the bad stuff and only remember the good stuff.  This is a trick of the memory whereby one can lead an emotionally healthy life... .so right now, the false nostalgia, the fantasy of "what could have been" is about to bite you hard.

You are about to give in to being recycled... .

[rickdeckard]

Hey rick, It sounds to me like you are encouraging her, on one level, while resenting her, on another level.  Why all the gyrations?  If it's over, let it go.  If you want to recycle, suggest you think hard before you jump back in the soup.   LJ

Hey, LJ!

I'm really not trying to encourage a recycle. It is is over. I want to make peace with her and myself, get this war in my head to stop - it seems to be going on for her as well.

The resentment is now at full stop, done and over with. This is something I had to clear in order to move on, it's been damaging me and holding me back... .'hating the ex' had become part of me... .so unhealthy... .

[rickdeckard]

Deckard,

Sounds like you've got some good words from members.

Inspiring to read about your self awareness.

Well, one thing is for sure; you know you're human, not android.



-C

I have passed the voight-kampff several times. But it always feels good to get some feedback

[rickdeckard]

The ex is not pwBPD. She has dementia, caused by a terminal genetic disorder (HD). 40 years old... .and rapidly dying/losing it.

I have moved on. But I'm going to be her friend as much as possible. We share a quarter century together on and off.

There's no recycles upcoming or anything like that. But we love each other in a certain way... .familiarity. Or maybe something else. I dunno.

I live my own life now. She lives hers. Friends... .kinda. Not enemies anymore.

Peace between us.