Emotions change

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi,

+ 3 weeks N/C with my exBPDgf and I observe that there's a change in my mood. At the very beginning of N/C I was sad, depressed, I missed her alot . Now, days after days I'm less sad but more angry and frustrated. I'm always thinking about her karma, hoping that wheel is going to turn... .that life is gonna be hard for her, that her future will be as tough as she has been with me! It is very hard to manage because I'm spending alot of energy on something I unfortunetaly have no control on. I dont know where I am in the healing process and how long it is going to last but I dont think I'm moving forward  3 weeks N/C is not long but when you are fighting against yourself all the time it's exhausting!

[tribalmart]

Hi,

+ 3 weeks N/C with my exBPDgf and I observe that there's a change in my mood. At the very beginning of N/C I was sad, depressed, I missed her alot . Now, days after days I'm less sad but more angry and frustrated. I'm always thinking about her karma, hoping that wheel is going to turn... .that life is gonna be hard for her, that her future will be as tough as she has been with me! It is very hard to manage because I'm spending alot of energy on something I unfortunetaly have no control on. I dont know where I am in the healing process and how long it is going to last but I dont think I'm moving forward  3 weeks N/C is not long but when you are fighting against yourself all the time it's exhausting!

[hopealways]

I'm 3.5 months NC, and while all my anxiety is gone, I do feel sad often and miss her often.  When this happens I think of the bad times and horrible person she was and it puts me back on track. It is a process: 2 steps forward 1 step back. But time will heal.

[C.Stein]

I'm all over the place and still a mess at 4 months since final discard.

[Schermarhorn]

5 Months since breakup, 2 Months NC.

Still thinking about her a lot, my emotions change daily between wanting her back, hating her, feeling sorry for her, and frustration.

[C.Stein]

Still thinking about her a lot, my emotions change daily between wanting her back, hating her, feeling sorry for her, and frustration.

Add guilt, remorse and regret onto that list and that pretty much sums me up.

[Schermarhorn]

Still thinking about her a lot, my emotions change daily between wanting her back, hating her, feeling sorry for her, and frustration.

Add guilt, remorse and regret onto that list and that pretty much sums me up.

Yeah, I forgot those.

[tribalmart]

After reading your comments I understand that the journey can be long... .maybe I must be more patient and less demanding to myself... .

[once removed]

After reading your comments I understand that the journey can be long... .maybe I must be more patient and less demanding to myself... .

i definitely think thats what the discussion illustrates, tribalmart. this is a process, a complex one. detachment, grieving, none of it is linears. dont be hard on yourself either, it sounds to me like youre making a lot of progress in a very short time. it may not always seem like it right now, but the changes you describe are progress, even if every stage is intense.

i would say at the one year mark id pretty much detached and processed. five months, six months, werent pretty.

[Hopeful83]

i would say at the one year mark id pretty much detached and processed. five months, six months, werent pretty.

That's somewhat comforting to hear, once removed. I'm five months in and on some days I feel that the pain is worse than it was at the beginning. But I think I'm just feeling everything more now because I'm no longer numb or in shock. That initial adrenaline rush kept me going for a good few months I reckon.

[C.Stein]

But I think I'm just feeling everything more now because I'm no longer numb or in shock. That initial adrenaline rush kept me going for a good few months I reckon.

I think that was my case to.  Initially I didn't really feel much at all.  I was still emotionally numb, a state I had been in for a while.  It took a good 4-5 weeks before I started really feeling the loss.  At this point, emotional numbness is almost preferable.

[Hopeful83]

But I think I'm just feeling everything more now because I'm no longer numb or in shock. That initial adrenaline rush kept me going for a good few months I reckon.

I think that was my case to.  Initially I didn't really feel much at all.  I was still emotionally numb, a state I had been in for a while.  It took a good 4-5 weeks before I started really feeling the loss.  At this point, emotional numbness is almost preferable.

I was mildly euphoric at the beginning. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, and I was talking with friends and family until 4am. My logical self knew that the whole thing was absurd, so it's like a survival instinct set in - not sure if that makes sense? Then I crashed... .badly. Couldn't get out of bed, didn't want to do a thing etc. I'm now somewhere in between and it's a struggle. At least when you resign yourself to doing nothing you don't have to make any effort. Now it's hard to do the smallest thing, but I still push through... .

[once removed]

That's somewhat comforting to hear, once removed. I'm five months in and on some days I feel that the pain is worse than it was at the beginning. But I think I'm just feeling everything more now because I'm no longer numb or in shock. That initial adrenaline rush kept me going for a good few months I reckon.

part of it was that i had all these visions of the future and how much better it was going to be, how my life would bloom. it didnt. it was an extremely dark time and i was mostly alone for it. maybe id have healed faster otherwise. i felt intensely isolated, and the discouragement of seemingly no results for the very little i was capable of achieving really weighed on me.

we cant forget that this is complex stuff that our bodies and psyches are going through. for example, extended adrenaline takes a serious toll on the body. numbness is a reaction to trauma. eventually, that pain is going to break through the numbness.

looking back two things helped me invaluably. i learned to radically accept what i was going through. that it was bigger than i could get my head around. that it was going to impact me. that it might even be the hardest thing i will ever go through. and most of all, that it was okay. i put so much energy into changing it, beginning with telling myself what i was feeling was wrong, that there was something wrong with me, that my very grief was wrong. i tried in vain to paint her black. i tried to learn about her as if i could change her. i tried to learn about myself as if i could change just by reading psychology. i tried to hope my way to a better future. on the other hand i learned to radically accept, even take for granted, that one day, at some point, i would not only be okay, i would be better.

and then there is mindfulness. when we are in the midst of grief and trauma it turns our entire world upside down. the world around us looks very different. nothing makes sense. everything feels bad. what feels like it should feel good feels hollow and empty. its basically impossible to see the bigger picture. to see our progress. to see, that truly, at least in many ways, feeling worse is a sign of progress. when i was able to accept (without judgment) where i was, what i was going through, i also gained some idea of what to expect. i started to see what i was experiencing as what it was: a response to trauma, and very painful detachment. in other words, what i was going through, for me, was normal. personally i thought of it like symptoms; like a headache.

think about it. most pain is delayed. you burn yourself on a frying pan. theres a shock, but theres a split second there where pain doesnt fully register. in that split second, before you feel it, you know and expect what is coming. youre not surprised as you feel the pain, youre not surprised as it progresses. it sucks. it hurts. you react, but you dont think something is wrong with you. an hour later it blisters. theres a decent chance it scars. all the natural result of a burn. you put luke warm water on it (and/or aloe vera). the pain doesnt immediately go away. but you know that eventually it will heal, and it does. i promise .

[joeramabeme]

I am 3 months since she moved out and 2 weeks NC.  My feelings have been all over the place for 3 months.  Starting with very sad and wondering what I did that was so bad then ranging to I hate her for all the manipulation and bashing. 

Presently trying to center myself in me; who am I and how do I want to be in the world - even when working with someone with a PD.  My answer is that I am a loving sincerely caring guy and that needs to be part of how I allow myself to think and behave.  Still in progress!

[tribalmart]

Once removed, GREAT testimonial!... it's full of hope and encouraging! I feel pain, but I know there's something wrong with me... .there's so many "why?" I'm going trough an healing process but I have also started a deep introspection. My ex BPDgf is ill, in my mind there's no doubt about it! but by staying in a such toxic r/s now I can tell you that I must change alot of thing in my life (boosting self esteem, stoping being that nice guy or the rescuer, never omit red flags from the very start of a r/s) There's something I deeply think about :

"Tell me who you love, I'm gonna tell you who you are"

[Hopeful83]

think about it. most pain is delayed. you burn yourself on a frying pan. theres a shock, but theres a split second there where pain doesnt fully register. in that split second, before you feel it, you know and expect what is coming. youre not surprised as you feel the pain, youre not surprised as it progresses. it sucks. it hurts. you react, but you dont think something is wrong with you. an hour later it blisters. theres a decent chance it scars. all the natural result of a burn. you put luke warm water on it (and/or aloe vera). the pain doesnt immediately go away. but you know that eventually it will heal, and it does. i promise .

I love this. Thank you. I think that's what's happened with me - the numb part lasted quite a while. Now the real grieving is taking place. And that's okay - I'm learning to sit with it and take each day as it comes.

[C.Stein]

I love this. Thank you. I think that's what's happened with me - the numb part lasted quite a while. Now the real grieving is taking place. And that's okay - I'm learning to sit with it and take each day as it comes.

Were you feeling numb during your relationship?  Were you numb and relieved when it was over?

[Hopeful83]

I love this. Thank you. I think that's what's happened with me - the numb part lasted quite a while. Now the real grieving is taking place. And that's okay - I'm learning to sit with it and take each day as it comes.

Were you feeling numb during your relationship?  Were you numb and relieved when it was over?

Hey C.Stein,

As much as I'd like to say that I was numb during the relationship, I wasn't. We had a very up and down relationship - in tune with his outbursts of rage, which would occur on a weekly/fortnightly basis. He was like a pressure cooker that would build and build and then blow, which would be followed by a more relaxed and 'happy' him.

I don't think I was numb, because I still felt the highs of our relationship very strongly, but I guess I was numb to his rages. Up until a couple of weeks before we ended, though, we were in a very good place - or so I thought.

And I wasn't relieved. I'm still not relieved, although everyone says I should be. 

[C.Stein]

And I wasn't relieved. I'm still not relieved, although everyone says I should be. 

What were you feeling at the end?

[tribalmart]

I still dont know how to filter that rage and anger inside of me? Raging because :

-she abused of my ''good nature''

-felt no empathy

-was a pathological liar/cheater

-she is soo different in the intimacy she's not the same with friends and family A DOUBLE-FACED PERSON!

-she seems to feel very good for the moment with her rebound and I'm going trough an hard time!

Any advice to manage that storm inside of me?

[joeramabeme]

I still dont know how to filter that rage and anger inside of me? Raging because :

-she abused of my ''good nature''

-felt no empathy

-was a pathological liar/cheater

-she is soo different in the intimacy she's not the same with friends and family A DOUBLE-FACED PERSON!

-she seems to feel very good for the moment with her rebound and I'm going trough an hard time!

Any advice to manage that storm inside of me?

That's a tough one, no magic words to offer.  All I know from my own experience is that I simply cannot understand how someone can exhibit all those dynamics, I have no point of reference - it just seems bizarre.

What makes it so hard is not that my pwBPD has these undesirable traits but that there is another side to her that is loving and kind - else why would I miss her.  I fell in love with the "good" side and tried to minimize and explain away all the other qualities believing she would eventually "see" it or that the behaviors were about some ulterior desire that I would eventually address. 

Now that it is all over I have no idea how to internalize seeing just the one side - in the same way I could not see it when I was with her.  Very confounding, angering, hurtful and more.   

Why did I stay so long knowing all this about her and worst yet why am I missing her so deeply?  I suspect that part of the answer is not about her at all, and that is the piece I am trying to focus on and this seems to help minimize the emotional toxic stew that boils just under my calm demeanor.

I feel for you - hang in and keep posting.

Do you think there are other things about the RS you miss that are not really about her but about what she represented?

[tribalmart]

You know, I think alot about that quote :

Tell me who you love, I'm gonna tell you who you are

My ex BPD gf was beautiful (a dream come true), at 1st sight looks shy and low profile... .she can be soo sweet and careful. This is the good side. But she cheated, she lied and expert to manipulate. This is the dark side.

-Her beauty boosted my self-esteem (I tought to myself: I'm still able to catch gorgeous woman a bit younger... im 38 shes 30)

-If gave her alot of chances even after lying and cheating because of a lack of self-confidence (fear of not having another one like that again (beauty)

-Putting her on a pedesal (if you put a woman on a pedestal, you automatically put yourself above her)

-sexual addiction is related to anxiety (Im talking for myself) and also to self esteem (desire to perform)

-being the rescuer also boost self-esteem... .being the nice guy too... .but BPD abuse of this "good nature"

No one with self-respect and self-confidence will stay in a such toxic r/s... .thats why im telling you that being with her for so long (2 years) reflect my own pain... .something there a long time before I met her maybe from my very childhood. You can learn alot about yourself trough this journey and also if you have a deep introspection

[C.Stein]

Now that it is all over I have no idea how to internalize seeing just the one side - in the same way I could not see it when I was with her.  Very confounding, angering, hurtful and more.  

Why did I stay so long knowing all this about her and worst yet why am I missing her so deeply?  I suspect that part of the answer is not about her at all, and that is the piece I am trying to focus on and this seems to help minimize the emotional toxic stew that boils just under my calm demeanor.

Exactly.  I also saw the potential, the truly wonderful person she could be.  It is so very hard to reconcile the behavior and actions that undermine that good person I fell in love with.  However in the back of my mind there was always the doubt that the dark side of her would win the hand when the chips were down.  Unfortunately that dark side of her was more powerful than the good.  In the critical times when the good needed to shine the dark side came forward, destroying me and eventually the relationship.

[Hopeful83]

And I wasn't relieved. I'm still not relieved, although everyone says I should be. 

What were you feeling at the end?

Shock and disbelief. It fell apart very, very quickly at what I thought was a high point in our relationship, so I guess I didn't accept it for a long time. Even though I went NC I kept secretly thinking "he'll come to his senses." In a way he did me a favour by getting engaged so quickly - it made ME come to my senses.