Is this normal?

[Hopeful83]

  guys,

Nothing big, but I'm a bit confused about something and wondering if anyone else has experienced this with their BPD ex.

We broke up five months back, he got engaged to the replacement less than two months after. Reasons I suspect are a combination of BPD traits (the breakup was VERY unexpected) and his batsh*t crazy racist family not wanting me to marry him.

The thing I find pretty bizarre is the fact that I've had four separate friends of mine tell me the same thing - they've seen his current profile pic on FB and that of his new replacement (both of them of course have photos with each other) and they've all said the exact same thing to me: he looks miserable. Now the reason I find this weird is a) beneath he's saying how happy he is in the form of cheesy quotations from crappy movies and b) he's engaged! Shouldn't he be beaming with happiness?

And yes, I had asked them to look. The first friend wanted to see the replacement so I told her to go ahead and have a look but not to tell me if there are any updates on whether he's married yet or not etc. And she said woah he looks so miserable. I thought maybe she was telling me to make me feel better (although I asked her not to) so I then asked some other friends to also have a look and they all said the same thing without knowing what the other had said.

I looked back over the first pictures we took together and he looks absolutely fantastic. He's relaxed, happy and handsome. Now he looks like some other person. And I'm not just saying this to make myself feel better - in the two pictures that I did have the misfortune of seeing accidentally a few months back he looked utterly odd, like someone else. And he had a very fake smile plastered on his face.

What happens to him now and whether he's happy or not has no effect on my life - I'm moving forward and working on myself the way I should. But I did find this perplexing - if he was to be believed, he should be a picture of happiness right now. And he's not - in any of the photos that he's posted. And yet when we first got together he looked fantastic. In fact he looked great in 99 per cent of photos we took together.

Just wondered if anyone else has noticed the same? From my experience when I see a new couple posting their first photos together they always look so happy/relaxed/content. So this is a bit surprising to me.

Hopeful

[cloudten]

The pictures I have happened upon from mutual friends (now blocked because I don't want to stumble on any more photos if I don't have to)... .he looks AWFUL. He's puffy and gained weight. He's got huge bags under his eyes... .he hasn't cut his beard or his hair... .and he looks awful.  One of his last texts to me was a picture his aunt recently gave him of us 3 years ago.  We were so seemingly happy... .and younger. I certainly looked happier. So did he.

I think as he gets older his illness is actually getting worse. I think it is taking a physical toll on him.

I think he will be engaged in the next month or two. I don't know if he has a girlfriend or not (I'm sure he does)... .but I know it will break my heart. My T yells at me for this... .but I can't help it. I wished things could have been different. It will break my heart to know he is with someone else... .and be even more painful to see them together.

He also always has a very fake smile. I have only seen him have a real smile once, and it was a beautiful moment.

[C.Stein]

I wished things could have been different. It will break my heart to know he is with someone else... .and be even more painful to see them together.

:'(  I know exactly how you are feeling.  It does break my heart knowing my ex is with someone else.  I so wish things could have been different.  I still feel so attached to her.  It's really weird and I can't understand why I can't shake this feeling.

[cloudten]

I had a psychiatrist cop friend tell me that its Battered Woman [People] Syndrome... .it's a lot like PTSD... .with the element of returning to the abusive partner. I looked it up... .and it sure does describe me.

[rosesarered777]

Sounds about right. My ex seemed to be happier in photos I took of her when we first started dating 6 years ago than photos I have seen with her mother in the last 1-2 years. She absolutely refuses to have any photos taken of her now that she has gained tremendous weight from drinking. My last photo of her is from 1-2 years ago... as such.

I guess they eventually attach to someone despite how miserable it makes them? They definitely do not like to feel engulfed...

Yes, BP2 gets worse in time WITHOUT adequate medication... so that makes sense too.

[Hopeful83]

Sounds about right. My ex seemed to be happier in photos I took of her when we first started dating 6 years ago than photos I have seen with her mother in the last 1-2 years. She absolutely refuses to have any photos taken of her now that she has gained tremendous weight from drinking. My last photo of her is from 1-2 years ago... as such.

I guess they eventually attach to someone despite how miserable it makes them? They definitely do not like to feel engulfed...

Yes, BP2 gets worse in time WITHOUT adequate medication... so that makes sense too.

Maybe it's just a fluke that we've noticed the same thing, but I cannot help but wonder if there's something in this. Thing is, when I look at photos we took together in May before he went home he looks great - relaxed, healthy, happy. Himself - or the person who I knew for those three years, at least. Now he looks like an entirely different person - and not happy at all.

I guess you could be right - they may just attach to anyone if the circumstances demand it?

You'd think I'd be happy to see him miserable, but I'm not. It also goes to show that there's A LOT more going on than what meets the eye in some of these situations.