Starting to think I'm too damaged for relationships

[cleverusername]

So it's been almost a year and a half since my relationship with my uBPDx ended, and I thought I was doing a lot better now but... .I don't know. I'm attracting and going on dates way more girls than I ever have before, but I kind of feel like I may still be too messed up to really let myself love someone. I think I'm just way too afraid of putting myself out there and getting hurt again.

A little backstory of what's gone on over the past year and half. After my breakup with my uBPDx (my first ever relationship) at the beginning of last August I was devastated, but tried to get back into online dating and ended up meeting a girl I was really into in November. We ended up only going on 3 dates and then she just disappeared. I know 3 dates isn't much, but we texted a lot over the course of over a month, and I thought things were going well. We had planned for a fourth date and she was still initiating conversation with me up until the time she just stopped responding. It didn't help that she was pretty easily the best looking girl I'd ever dated, and I really liked her personality. So I was hurt pretty badly again for the second time in 4 months. I think that was where I just lost the ability to get emotionally attached. Actually, I remember telling myself that I would never let myself get hurt like that again... .

Anyway, I dated another girl for 5 months at the beginning of this year, but between not being compatible and my whole state of mind I never really cared much for her and felt basically nothing when it ended. I met another girl at the end of August and dated her for 2 months, and while I did care a lot more about her, the entire time I really wasn't sure I saw a future with her due to us being in drastically different places in life. When it ended I cried because she was hurt, and because I lost her from my life completely when I really would have liked to stay friends, but I got over it very quickly.

What made me post this was that I thought about the "3 dates girl" today for the first time in a long time. I decided to look her up on Facebook, not thinking it would get to me, but it did. I'm basically in the beginning stages of dating 3 girls right now (which honestly is making me feel like a jerk, even though multi-dating seems to be pretty normal these days). It just has me thinking about how I used to feel when I met someone I really liked, and how I don't think I'm capable of feeling that way anymore. I could go on a great date with a girl I'm really attracted to, and then go home and go right back to swiping on Tinder like nothing happened. It's like I've turned heartless... .

Anyway, I guess I'm just looking for some input from others who have had similar experiences and would like to offer some advice. Thanks guys.

[cloudten]

Well, I can relate from the standpoint of I feel too damaged for relationships. I had a friend say something to me that made a lot of sense and has made me stop dating for a while. He said "if you are putting yourself out there as available and capable of a relationship, you are lying and wasting people's time."  I took it to heart. He is totally right. Not only am I wasting their time, but I'm wasting my own.  Its not fair to anyone to come across as ready and available. Mentally and emotionally I am simply not available for a relationship any time soon.

That is when I decided to start dating myself. Frankly I love it. I do exactly what I want to do. If I want to see friends, I see friends. If I want to go to my favorite restaurant- table for 1.  If I want to go to a movie- I go alone or with platonic friends. I am not putting the pressure on myself to date... .and I am not letting any of my friends pressure me either. When it is right for me, I am sure it will happen pretty easily.

Right now I am focusing on myself... .because if I dive right into another relationship- I know I have too much baggage to be capable of a decent, healthy relationship.

So- what are you doing to take care of yourself? What are you doing to heal so that you are strong enough to recognize red flags and not get hurt again?

[Lucky Jim]

Everyone recovers at his/her own pace.  It's not a race.  If you don't feel right about dating yet, then don't do it.  Suggest you listen more to your gut feelings about whether you are ready to date.

LuckyJim

[cleverusername]

Well, I can relate from the standpoint of I feel too damaged for relationships. I had a friend say something to me that made a lot of sense and has made me stop dating for a while. He said "if you are putting yourself out there as available and capable of a relationship, you are lying and wasting people's time."  I took it to heart. He is totally right. Not only am I wasting their time, but I'm wasting my own.  Its not fair to anyone to come across as ready and available. Mentally and emotionally I am simply not available for a relationship any time soon.

That is when I decided to start dating myself. Frankly I love it. I do exactly what I want to do. If I want to see friends, I see friends. If I want to go to my favorite restaurant- table for 1.  If I want to go to a movie- I go alone or with platonic friends. I am not putting the pressure on myself to date... .and I am not letting any of my friends pressure me either. When it is right for me, I am sure it will happen pretty easily.

Right now I am focusing on myself... .because if I dive right into another relationship- I know I have too much baggage to be capable of a decent, healthy relationship.

So- what are you doing to take care of yourself? What are you doing to heal so that you are strong enough to recognize red flags and not get hurt again?

I agree with what you're saying about "dating myself." I guess the thing this, I feel like I've been doing that my entire life. Honestly, I love it. I'm the type of person who is very comfortable with, and really NEEDS alone time. It's something that honestly makes me wonder if a long-term relationship or marriage is something I could do, because it seems to me that that sort of relationship causes one to lose the majority of that alone time, that "dating myself" time. But maybe I feel that way because my only real relationship was with my uBPDx and she tried, and pretty much succeeded, at taking a lot of my alone time away from me, when maybe that doesn't have to be the case.

Really, I think that due to how little dating experience I have at 28 years old I'm kind of still experimenting and trying to figure out if serious relationships are even right for me. And that makes me think that I need to try them out, and the sooner the better since I'm not getting any younger. I've done the dating myself thing for a loong time and I know I like it, but would a LTR be better or more fulfilling for me?

I should also mention that even though I was bummed when I posted the original post to this thread, I pretty quickly got over feeling down about the girl I dated last year. I'm now thinking that I'm probably not too damaged for relationships, but I am terrible at making decisions and dating three girls is starting to make me feel like a bad person (even though it is early since I've only been on 6 dates with them in total). But at the same time, so far I like all of them for different reasons and feel that it's too early to reject any of them. Ugh, I just wish I had more experience with this stuff at my age, because it's really expected that I would... .

[eeks]

I should also mention that even though I was bummed when I posted the original post to this thread, I pretty quickly got over feeling down about the girl I dated last year. I'm now thinking that I'm probably not too damaged for relationships, but I am terrible at making decisions and dating three girls is starting to make me feel like a bad person (even though it is early since I've only been on 6 dates with them in total). But at the same time, so far I like all of them for different reasons and feel that it's too early to reject any of them. Ugh, I just wish I had more experience with this stuff at my age, because it's really expected that I would... .

Hi cleverusername, 

Can you say more about why you feel bad about dating 3 girls?  To me, there's a huge difference between dating multiple people to avoid emotional intimacy or be sneaky, vs. doing what you say you're doing, taking your time to get to know them. 

In my view, what you are doing is OK, as long as you are honest with them about it.  Not in a "disclaimer" type way to avoid empathizing with their potential disappointment down the line, "well I told you I was dating a few women so you shouldn't be surprised I said I don't want to date you anymore," but as an indicator of what you are looking for.  For example, "I don't take relationships lightly, and so I am dating multiple women right now, I think it takes time to get to know a person, and I don't want to rush into commitment" or whatever is true for you. 

I feel sometimes like I am a broken record about adult attachment style and relationships... .but I recently read another book on the subject, Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, and their take on dating is really unique yet down-to-earth.  They give the example in the book of a 40 year old woman who wanted to get married and have children, and was currently single.  They told her to be up front with men she met about that.  And they said that it's true that she will scare some of them off, but that's fine, because she's getting rid of the ones who won't be able to meet her needs in a relationship!  That is not an "oh well, it wasn't meant to be" attempt at self-soothing, but rather an honest, objective appraisal of yourself, what's important to you in a relationship, and is this person I just met capable of meeting those needs? 

What's such a breath of fresh air for me about this approach is that it's saying "No, honesty and candor in dating is a good thing!" as opposed to the other types of dating advice out there that seem to advise people make themselves into what they think the other person wants.

[cloudten]

Dating is really hard in the first place... .don't be too hard on yourself. It sounds like you're still dusting yourself off, and not quite ready to be back in the saddle.

It is entirely okay to decide to be alone for now, for a while, or forever. I have a cousin who refuses to be anything but single... .and that is okay. It is a life he has chosen. I am on the border of choosing that for myself. Don't let society or family tell you what to do. Don't let your family pressure you into a relationship for the sake of giving them grandchildren. They made their choices in life. Your life is for you to live... .make your own choices that are best for you.

I will tell you this- I was married to a non before ending that and getting involved with my BPDx. Relationships and marriage absolutely take away that alone time. It is just the nature of it- and not a phenomenon you only experienced with the BPD. That's why people choose it- so they don't have to come home to an empty house and a cat every night. As humans, we are designed to require companionship. Some of us need it more than others. BPDs need it so badly they do anything for it and then destroy it.

When you enter into a healthy LTR with someone who is healthy, and you are healthy, you respect each other's needs for individuality and alone time, and time for hobbies, etc. I think it's normal to lose a little bit of time doing it though- opting instead for time together.

I guess what it depends on is how much time do you want to yourself. Every night? if it's a lot of alone time, maybe you are okay casually dating or staying single.

[cosmonaut]

I understand.  I don't have any desire to date.  Absolutely nothing.  I too feel like I'm too damaged at this point.  I don't know if that will ever change.  I think I might just be done.  It's never really ended for me with my ex.  I still love her, and that won't work to date anyone else.  I can't lead anyone else on telling them how they are the love of my life and I love them with all my heart when it's simply not true.  That's not fair to them, and I won't do it.

I'm sure my ex doesn't understand the harm she's done, and I don't think she meant to do it.  The fact remains, however, that she left very little behind.  I've turned down a number of women interested in going out.  I know I've hurt someone I really do care about - an old friend from HS - who has been very patient and persistent in trying to start something.  But I can't.  I've tried to explain how this isn't rejecting her; this is me caring about her.  That this is me refusing to lead her on.  I hope she can understand, but I'm not sure does.  I feel really guilty about it for some reason.  I suppose because I've been so hurt, I don't want to ever hurt anyone else like this.

I feel terribly lonely, and there are times when I feel such jealousy for those who are happily married or otherwise coupled.  At times the loneliness is acute.  I'd rather be alone, though, than to live a lie.  I never expected to have children, and I am ok with that.  Still, I never thought I'd grow old alone.  I never saw that coming.  Funny how life works out like that sometimes.  I thought once I was one of the luckiest men in the world.  And for a brief shining moment I truly was.  But I never imagined it would be so short.  I wish I'd known that at the time.  Wish I'd told her more often how much I love her.  Wish I'd tried to savor every precious moment.  Wish I'd listened more and fixed less.  Wish I'd accepted more and judged less.  I'd give anything - everything I own - do go back in time and do it.

I don't have any advice, but I empathize so much.  I know how you feel.  I know it hurts like nothing else ever can.

[cloudten]

I understand.  I don't have any desire to date.  Absolutely nothing.  I too feel like I'm too damaged at this point.  I don't know if that will ever change.  I think I might just be done.  It's never really ended for me with my ex.  I still love her, and that won't work to date anyone else.  I can't lead anyone else on telling them how they are the love of my life and I love them with all my heart when it's simply not true.  That's not fair to them, and I won't do it.

I'm sure my ex doesn't understand the harm she's done, and I don't think she meant to do it.  The fact remains, however, that she left very little behind.  I've turned down a number of women interested in going out.  I know I've hurt someone I really do care about - an old friend from HS - who has been very patient and persistent in trying to start something.  But I can't.  I've tried to explain how this isn't rejecting her; this is me caring about her.  That this is me refusing to lead her on.  I hope she can understand, but I'm not sure does.  I feel really guilty about it for some reason.  I suppose because I've been so hurt, I don't want to ever hurt anyone else like this.

I feel terribly lonely, and there are times when I feel such jealousy for those who are happily married or otherwise coupled.  At times the loneliness is acute.  I'd rather be alone, though, than to live a lie.  I never expected to have children, and I am ok with that.  Still, I never thought I'd grow old alone.  I never saw that coming.  Funny how life works out like that sometimes.  I thought once I was one of the luckiest men in the world.  And for a brief shining moment I truly was.  But I never imagined it would be so short.  I wish I'd known that at the time.  Wish I'd told her more often how much I love her.  Wish I'd tried to savor every precious moment.  Wish I'd listened more and fixed less.  Wish I'd accepted more and judged less.  I'd give anything - everything I own - do go back in time and do it.

I don't have any advice, but I empathize so much.  I know how you feel.  I know it hurts like nothing else ever can.

Well said 

I know how much it hurts.